Wake Up
“Something filled up my heart with nothing. Someone told me not to cry.”
Lately I feel like there’s nothing to say. I often find myself at a loss for words or making small talk to keep social situations from being awkward. All the while never really saying a thing. The reason I do this is primarily because if I didn’t say anything, I don’t think anyone would understand. I don’t believe anyone would really wonder about what I’m thinking. Most would just see me as the quiet kid. I would seemingly have no thoughts on anything, when truthfully I have too many thoughts on everything. I just don’t know where to begin.
I wonder a lot about what I’m doing at school. I know that I’m happy with my major, and I’m happy with where I am and the people I’m there with, there’s just unfortunate circumstances that have led me to fall behind. So now although I feel determined to get more done, I’m finding it hard to take care of the ever growing list of things to do. I think too much and I forget small things. I also let tasks become so tremendous that they seem impossible to complete. My stress from one class then starts to boil over to other work, and it negatively affects those classes as well. I know this isn’t the way to do things, and I’m working on these problems everyday, but I can only get so far as the work keeps coming. All I want at this point is to be able to start this semester over in design and just do what I can to stay on track from the beginning. Obviously this is impossible, but it would be nice.
Another thing that I find I think about a lot is the state of the nation. Or more the future of it and my future in it. I’m not anti-American by any means. I love this country and all of the freedoms that it lets me enjoy on a daily basis, I would fight to protect it against anyone with intentions to change it, but sometimes I question things. We’re not living in the fabled America of old. Of course our ideals are the same, and we all want a piece of our American dream, but we’re living in a different world than our parents and grandparents grew up in. There’s a lot to be unsure of. As young people we’ve inherited a lot of baggage to carry. Baggage we didn’t have any part in creating. Sometimes it’s a hard thing to accept. Sometimes you look around at everything and everyone and you think, “there has to be a better way.” I want to be somewhere where people aren’t over the simple pleasures in life; a place where standards haven’t turned kids into expert test taking young adults. It’s these dreams that often find me half-jokingly talking about moving to England, France, and Sweden. On the other hand, I hope to someday accomplish the same things my parents have. And I would love to be able to say I went through the same things they did to make those things happen.
Finally, I’m going home to Long Island for spring break in two weeks. I can’t wait to see everybody and spend some much-needed time with my family. I’m sure there will be food, fun, and of course, some memorable, dare I say, “broments” from the couple days that John and I will see each other. I’ll probably put in a little time at the knavery, and maybe I’ll even be able to catch up on some design work in the peace and quiet of my own bedroom. There’s no place like home.