pretend you're alive...lovedrug is ungodly good
I love that we're in that time of year when everyone gets all nostalgic about the last 9 months of their lives and reflects on the good times, the lessons learned, and the friendships strengthened in an attempt to close out this latest chapter of their lives. My freshman year, I was the queen of nostalgia. I knew that I would never live in New Hampshire again and that I would probably lose the tight bond that I formed w/ my loves out there. They had taken such good care of my heart and had helped me to grow so much, that it was only right to reflect on what we'd all been through together.
Last year was the greatest year of my life. I couldn't explain the love or joy that I felt constantly, so I reflected upon that as my 10 best friends and I moved out of the dorms and I moved to Europe for the summer. I just couldn't let the serenity and perfection of those memories be forgotten by the movement of life. And, I could not go without thanking my loves for the life they'd allow me to live.
This year, however. I just don't care. I don't feel like anything is changing. I'm ending the single worst year of my entire life (and by year, I mean in school terms...dear god, I don't want to be ruled by school years anymore!). I've had mono and an upper-respiratory infection for over two months. Before that, I was sick in other ways. I have had mental breakdowns all semester. I have cysts on my ovaries (eww). My heart has been ripped to shreds repeatedly. I've lost friendships. I'm basically failing all of my classes this semester. I let myself down more times than I can count. I hated who I became. I digressed as a person. This semester alone has been a culmination of all the bad things that I've been spared from the rest of my life happening. They were stored up until this past October or so and then let lose to ruin my heart.
I won't be moving out anytime soon. I'm not ending a chapter in my life. Next week, when everyone starts a brand new summer, I'll still be living at 1141 with my six roommates...though Kristi will be in Greece for awhile. I'll still be working at Pizza house. I'll still be getting ready to start classes at MSU. I'll still hate MSU and think it's an awful school.
But internally, things have been changing so much lately. I get it. I know what I want to become, not career-wise, but life-wise. I don't want to be driven by worldly parameters anymore. I don't want to be striving for a false American dream. I've always felt that wya, but now I finally get what that means. I finally feel like I'm actually living my life in the moment. I'm finally alive and it's amazing. My move to Colorado will be the pinnacle of this all. It's the most irresponsible move of my entire life...outwardly that is. I'm putting off school, and in turn my "real life" (aka career) to do something that I want to do. Wow, why doesn't everyone just stop and do that?!? I don't understand why people view it as "wrong" to do something that they're passionate about. I don't care if I'm in school for a little longer, and I don't care if I've stopped following the beaten path. This is my life. This is it. It's all I have. I'm done wasting it on things that I'm not passionate about. I want to be an impassioned person. That doesn't mean sucking it up right now doing things that I hate so that eventually I can do something that I want. That means embracing my youth, embracing the fact that I can be crazy and I can make mistakes right now like I'll never be able to again in my life. It means loving without restrictions, laughing to no end, and waking up in the morning knowing that I'll love my day.
It's time for me to surround myself with things that I want rather than things I'm told I need. I love this.
Please, allow yourselves to really live for once. And I don't mean to just feel that you're productive and kicking. That doesn't cut it. Really, L-I-V-E. It's so urgent. For once in you're life you're being given the chance to just be. And you (in a universal sense) just keep passing it up because you're too busy planning for "your future". What if that future doesn't bring you happiness. Live now. This may be your only chance to do it. I never want to look back and wish that I had lived harder in my youth. I pray the same is true for all of you.
Wow, this is so disorganized and so rambly, but I care not. I love.
Love you
Last year was the greatest year of my life. I couldn't explain the love or joy that I felt constantly, so I reflected upon that as my 10 best friends and I moved out of the dorms and I moved to Europe for the summer. I just couldn't let the serenity and perfection of those memories be forgotten by the movement of life. And, I could not go without thanking my loves for the life they'd allow me to live.
This year, however. I just don't care. I don't feel like anything is changing. I'm ending the single worst year of my entire life (and by year, I mean in school terms...dear god, I don't want to be ruled by school years anymore!). I've had mono and an upper-respiratory infection for over two months. Before that, I was sick in other ways. I have had mental breakdowns all semester. I have cysts on my ovaries (eww). My heart has been ripped to shreds repeatedly. I've lost friendships. I'm basically failing all of my classes this semester. I let myself down more times than I can count. I hated who I became. I digressed as a person. This semester alone has been a culmination of all the bad things that I've been spared from the rest of my life happening. They were stored up until this past October or so and then let lose to ruin my heart.
I won't be moving out anytime soon. I'm not ending a chapter in my life. Next week, when everyone starts a brand new summer, I'll still be living at 1141 with my six roommates...though Kristi will be in Greece for awhile. I'll still be working at Pizza house. I'll still be getting ready to start classes at MSU. I'll still hate MSU and think it's an awful school.
But internally, things have been changing so much lately. I get it. I know what I want to become, not career-wise, but life-wise. I don't want to be driven by worldly parameters anymore. I don't want to be striving for a false American dream. I've always felt that wya, but now I finally get what that means. I finally feel like I'm actually living my life in the moment. I'm finally alive and it's amazing. My move to Colorado will be the pinnacle of this all. It's the most irresponsible move of my entire life...outwardly that is. I'm putting off school, and in turn my "real life" (aka career) to do something that I want to do. Wow, why doesn't everyone just stop and do that?!? I don't understand why people view it as "wrong" to do something that they're passionate about. I don't care if I'm in school for a little longer, and I don't care if I've stopped following the beaten path. This is my life. This is it. It's all I have. I'm done wasting it on things that I'm not passionate about. I want to be an impassioned person. That doesn't mean sucking it up right now doing things that I hate so that eventually I can do something that I want. That means embracing my youth, embracing the fact that I can be crazy and I can make mistakes right now like I'll never be able to again in my life. It means loving without restrictions, laughing to no end, and waking up in the morning knowing that I'll love my day.
It's time for me to surround myself with things that I want rather than things I'm told I need. I love this.
Please, allow yourselves to really live for once. And I don't mean to just feel that you're productive and kicking. That doesn't cut it. Really, L-I-V-E. It's so urgent. For once in you're life you're being given the chance to just be. And you (in a universal sense) just keep passing it up because you're too busy planning for "your future". What if that future doesn't bring you happiness. Live now. This may be your only chance to do it. I never want to look back and wish that I had lived harder in my youth. I pray the same is true for all of you.
Wow, this is so disorganized and so rambly, but I care not. I love.
Love you