FIC: Closer to the Heart - Chapter 12
Title: Closer to the Heart
Chapter 12: In the in Between Time
Rating: PG-13 or R?
Warnings: Language, mental breakdown.
Summary: Hello, Mr. Fan. I'd like you to meet my friend…
A/N: Okay, so, no part of this chapter is set during an episode. I had a lot to work in and no wiggle room in 'Lies my Parents Told Me.' As such, this chapter falls between 'Storyteller' and 'LMPTM.' In my head, this is one day before 'LMPTM'. I wanted to put this in with the episode, but I just couldn't make it work. Enjoy it anyway!
:::
Another round of training exercises had been completed. The sun hung low in the California sky and the potential Slayers made their way inside 1630 Revello Drive, exhausted, but exhilarated at the same time. Buffy watched the girls filing in through the back door as she struggled with a difficult decision. The time was now.
"Hey, Kennedy," Buffy called as the potential Slayers shuffled off. "Hang back a sec."
"What do you need?" Kennedy asked with a slight trace of frustration.
"Just a chat," Buffy prefaced. She watched the last of the girls disappear into the house. "I've, uh, noticed you kinda checkin' out Willow."
"What's it to you?" Kennedy challenged.
"Just curious," Buffy said with a shrug.
"What, are you gay?" asked the brunette doubtfully.
"That's not really here or there," Buffy replied. "It's not like I'm hitting on you. Just talking, okay?"
"So does the Slayer Army have don't ask, don't tell policy?" Kennedy questioned.
"I'm bi, if you care," said Buffy shortly.
"Wait, really?" Kennedy's eyes swept the blonde's body.
"Don't give me that look," Buffy told her.
"What look?"
"That - that was practically a come hither look," said the Slayer.
"Man, you didn't even ping my gay-dar," Kennedy noted.
"Still not hitting on you," Buffy clarified.
"Really? That's why you started the conversation with 'I've been watching you watch other women'? You seriously gonna tell me you're not interested?"
"I'm not," Buffy defended.
"God, what is with the women in this town?" Kennedy complained. "I mean Willow spends all her time crying over some loser girl who won't even give her the time of day and she still won't let me in. You come up to me with this mixed signal crap. And the only one who's interested is Vi and I can't get her to make a fucking move." Kennedy paused and drew a breath. "Oh, and now you're going all deer-in-the-headlights on me. That's nice."
"Kennedy," Buffy said softly, a distant and painful look in her eyes. "She - she cries?"
"Willow?" Kennedy verified. "Yeah. I could've sworn you were there in that basement the other day."
"But - I-I thought that was just…" Buffy trailed off.
"That's pretty much what she's like every night," Kennedy told her. "You're her best friend and you didn't know that? Guess you guys aren't as close as you thought."
"Every night…" Buffy blinked slowly. "And it's about - about her girlfriend?"
"If 'girlfriend' is the word you wanna use for it. I lean toward 'insensitive bitch,' personally," the brunette said scathingly. "I probably shouldn't have said anything," she realized. "That's her business."
"How do you know what she's crying about?" Buffy prompted.
"I didn't at first," Kennedy explained. "After she told me about her girlfriend, I asked her though. Hey, do you know who it is?" she added suddenly. "'Cause I think it might be Anya. There seems to be a little tension there, you know. And there's the whole left-at-the-altar thing; that's probably enough to make any girl want to experiment."
"I think you need to get your gay-dar fixed," Buffy replied listlessly.
"Come on, who else could it be?"
"I need to go." Buffy walked slowly toward the back door.
"Hey, wait." Kennedy grabbed the Slayer's arm. "We were talking, weren't we? What happened?"
"Let go of my arm," Buffy told the potential Slayer.
"Hey, come on. What's up?"
"Let go," Buffy said again.
"Is something wrong? Why does nobody ever talk about it? First Willow, now…" Kennedy's eyes widened. "Oh shit!"
"No," said Buffy weakly, unsure of what she was saying no to.
"Oh - but that means - oh God - when I said - I didn't mean…sarcasm!" she tried. "I was being, um, ironic or something."
"I'm gonna punch you if you don't let go of my arm."
"Buffy, I didn't realize. I'm sorry," Kennedy said quietly. "If you need an ear-"
CRACK!
Kennedy fell backwards onto the ground, clutching her jaw.
"Fuck!" she exclaimed, springing quickly to her feet. "Fuck! Shit!"
Buffy paid no attention, now continuing her uninterrupted walk into the house.
:::
"Kennedy, what happened?" exclaimed Vi as her fellow potential Slayer came into the kitchen.
"Tray-neen as-i-den," Kennedy said thickly through her rapidly swelling jaw.
"We were done with training…weren't we?" Vi's eyes widened, wondering if she'd missed some additional instruction.
"Estra," Kennedy tried. "Wid-" she paused in frustration at her aching jaw. "Wid Bubby."
"And she hit you?"
"As-i-den," Kennedy repeated.
"I'll get you some ice," offered Vi helpfully.
"Urgh," Kennedy groaned painfully.
:::
Buffy stared at the door. Why was she even thinking this? She should be going to Willow. All she had to do was reach out with her thoughts. But she stared at the door instead. Behind the door was the stairs. Down the stairs was the basement. In the basement was Spike.
I feel like I'm worse than anyone.
She wasn't even sure what she wanted. Part of her wanted something to hit. Part of her wanted to be punished. Spike probably wouldn't punish her though…even if she begged for it. What good was a soul? She could hit him though. He wouldn't stop her. However, each passing second lessened her desire to hit something.
Honestly, I'm beneath them. My friends, my boyfriends, my girlfriend. I feel like I'm not worthy of their love.
Willow cried. Willow cried every night. And it was her fault. What kind of girlfriend was she? What kind of sick person made the love of their life cry every night? Now she understood why Willow had reacted so strongly over the Kennedy issue. She realized that Willow had probably been crying on Spike's shoulder. And Xander must have known too. He had been trying to tell her without telling her - like he had done before with Riley… Of course Willow would tell Xander how she felt. Xander, Spike, Kennedy, and probably Dawn too. Everybody, but her. Willow wouldn't come to her because Willow thought she was being insensitive.
I have all this power.
Fucking Slayer. Buffy had never asked to be the fucking Slayer. Buffy just wanted to live her life, make friends, fall in love…and the fucking Slayer wouldn't let her. And those stupid, prattling, little girls were jealous of her.
I didn't ask for it. I don't deserve it. It's like…I wanted to be punished.
"Buffy?"
Dawn. Buffy recognized the voice. Dawn was watching Buffy stare at the door.
"Dawn," Buffy said tonelessly.
"Buffy, are you okay?" the teen sounded concerned.
"No." Damn. The truth wasn't the right answer to that question.
"Buffy, what's wrong?"
"I…" What?
"Buffy." Dawn stood between her and the door.
"I need to go to my room," Buffy stated.
"Okay…"
What was it? Loud voice. Something about a loud voice. Damn. What was it?
"Help," Buffy said softly.
"Buffy, you're scaring me," the teen pleaded.
"Help," Buffy repeated. Oh, damn. Loud voice. "Help." Still not loud.
"Buffy, I don't know what's wrong." Dawn was stressed. One more casualty to the Slayer.
"Please help," Buffy tried desperately. "I-I can't be loud, but please help."
"I'll help you, Buffy," Dawn assured her. "Just tell me what you need."
"I need…" What did she need? "I need to go to my room."
"Okay," Dawn said again. She placed both hands on Buffy's shoulders and tried to turn her body.
"Work with me, Buffy," Dawn instructed.
"Willow," Buffy lamented tenderly.
"Do you want me to get Willow?" Dawn asked her.
"No." And yes.
"Buffy, what happened?" The teen continued to push fruitlessly against the Slayer's shoulders.
"Willow." Why couldn't she say it in her head?
"Did Willow do something? Is this a spell gone wrong?"
"No."
"I'm gonna go get Xander," Dawn offered.
"Don't leave," Buffy begged. "I can't."
"You can't what, Buffy?" Dawn prompted gently. "Move?"
"Just…" Don't let me go down there. "I…" Want to be punished. "Please, I need to go to my room."
"I'm trying," Dawn insisted.
"They'll see," Buffy realized. It was all for nothing if they saw now. "Please, they can't see."
"Buffy, I don't understand."
"No one does," she commented sadly. "Please, I don't want them to see."
"Don't want who to see what?"
"Them," Buffy explained. "Me." Why didn't Dawn understand? "I need to go to my room."
"Buffy, I'm not strong enough," Dawn told her. "Let me get Xander. Or Spike."
"No!" There was the loud voice. "Help! I-I need to be strong. Slayer."
"Buffy, I don't know how to help you."
"Led be," said another voice from the doorway.
"No," Buffy pleaded. "Don't look."
"What's going on?" Another voice.
"Bi, change dis ice blease."
"Kennedy, what happened to your face?" Dawn asked.
"I did," Buffy supplied.
"Bubby, led be helb you."
"She keeps saying she needs to go to her room."
"I'b goddid."
"Don't look," Buffy said again.
"Dawn, keeb Bi busy," Kennedy instructed as she pulled Buffy's arm over her shoulder and began dragging her toward the stairs.
"Don't look."
"Who, be? Your secred's sabe wid be."
"I should've knocked you out." Her feet thumped against each stair.
"I geddid, Bubby. Don' worry aboud whad I see." Thumping stopped. No more stairs. "Albos' dere."
"I hit your face."
"Really? I diddin nodice." Kennedy's weight shifted. She was opening the door.
"I need help."
"Do you wan' be do ged Willow?"
What was the answer? Damn it. What was the answer? She had to get this one right.
"I need more time." How much time did she have?
"Okay. Wan' be do sday wid you?"
"You're not supposed to see."
"I'b sorry."
"Can I blame you?"
"Ib you wan' do."
"I can't. I'm trying, but I can't."
"Dry nod do blabe yourselb, Bubby. … I'b sorry I called you a bisch."
"I am a bitch. … Why are you looking?"
"Because I'b nod scared."
"You're one of them."
"I won' d-tell theb."
"I hit your face."
"We cobered thad."
"I'm a bitch."
"No you're nod - not. Willow understands that. Bubby - dabbit still can't do ebbs…or ibbs. You should talk to Willow."
"I'm a bitch."
"Stob that. … Dabbit, bees too. Well, not bees - too bany bees - but bees. Dabbit. You know what I bean, right?"
"I hit your face."
"I'b gonna hit yours ib you don't stob that."
"Hit me."
"… No."
"I'm a bitch."
"No."
"I hit your face."
"I don't care."
"She's gonna bring your ice soon."
"Dabbit."
"I - need help."
"You ready to talk to Willow?"
"I don't know." Was the time out already?
"What about Dawn?"
:::
"Kennedy said you wanted to talk to me," Dawn said softly as she entered the room. Buffy was lying on the bed and did not turn toward the teen.
"Hi, Dawn," Buffy said quietly.
"Are you okay?" the teen questioned fearfully.
"No," Buffy sighed. "But I'm trying."
"Can you tell me what happened?" She sat cross-legged on the foot of the bed.
"I'm a bitch," Buffy supplied.
"Why do you think that?" Dawn asked her quietly.
"Because it's true."
"Don't say that," Dawn insisted.
"Oh. I'm sorry. I-I should lie."
"No," Dawn countered. "Buffy, you're not a bitch, okay? You're my sister and I love you."
"Don't," Buffy advised.
"Buffy…why can't you tell me what happened?"
"I already did," replied Buffy in confusion. "I'm a bitch, try to keep up."
"Stop calling yourself that," Dawn protested.
"But I am," Buffy answered simply.
"Buffy, I want you to get better. What do you need?"
"I need Willow," Buffy said promptly.
"I can go get her," Dawn suggested.
"Not yet," Buffy cautioned. "I'm not ready yet. I'll get her when I'm ready."
"Was it something with Willow?"
"I'm a bitch."
"Stop it!" Dawn screeched. "I don't like seeing you this way."
"I'm trying to be the other way," said Buffy. "I forgot how though."
"Buffy…"
"Thank you, by the way," Buffy said warmly.
"For what?"
"For stopping me," Buffy clarified.
"What d'you mean?" Dawn asked, mystified.
"You helped me," Buffy said kindly. "You helped me like I asked, even though I wasn't loud."
"Kennedy helped you," Dawn corrected her.
"Kennedy carried me up the stairs," Buffy stated. "You're the one who helped me. I'm glad you got the message. I was trying to be loud, but it wasn't working."
"What do you mean, loud?"
"A cry for help is when you say 'help' in a loud voice," Buffy responded.
"I think it works in a soft voice too."
"Tested and proven," Buffy agreed. "You helped me. Thank you, Dawn."
"I still don't know what I helped you with, but you're welcome."
"I-I was staring at the door," Buffy explained.
"I kinda noticed that actually," said Dawn. "So, did the door call you a bitch?"
"Doors can't talk, Dawnie," Buffy reminded her.
"So why were you staring at the door?"
"I wanted to be punished," Buffy said quietly. "Want," she corrected. "I want to be punished."
"What do you think you need to be punished for?"
"I'm a bitch."
Dawn pressed her palm against her forehead and sighed.
:::
"Hey, what happened to your face?" Willow asked as she entered the kitchen. Kennedy was seated at the counter, tossing her ice pack from hand to hand.
"That one's getting old," Kennedy said with a roll of her eyes.
"Seriously though, what happened?" Willow pressed.
"I bade a bistake…God dabbit."
Willow giggled.
"A mistake, huh? Because, you know, so many people get massive bruises on purpose."
"Oh by God, that's hilarious," Kennedy replied sarcastically, pressing the ice to her face again.
"So what kind of mistake?" Willow questioned, pulling a jug of apple juice from the fridge.
"Willow, I'b sorry," Kennedy prefaced.
"Sorry?" Willow moved to the cabinet for a glass.
"You need to talk to Bubby," Kennedy told her.
"Did she say she needed something?" Willow replied casually.
"Willow…she needs you," Kennedy told her softly.
"I - what d'you mean?"
"Willow," Kennedy turned the witch's hand before she could overfill her glass. "You should really go talk to her."
"No, you shouldn't," Dawn countered as she came into the room.
"Dawn, you don't understand," Kennedy argued.
"And you do?" Dawn challenged.
"Not - combletely, but more than you."
"Enlighten me then," Dawn requested.
"No," Kennedy answered flatly with a half-glance at Willow.
"Someone tell me what's going on!" Willow and Dawn demanded at the same time. They looked at each other and then at Kennedy.
"My libs are sealed," Kennedy told them.
"Dawn," Willow said gently, "what's happening?"
"I don't know." The teen sighed in frustration. "I-it's Buffy." Willow paled. "She's - well, she seems sort of - crazy. But, like, lucid or something."
"Steb ub combared to what I saw," Kennedy noted.
"What the hell happened?" Willow asked urgently.
"She needs you," Dawn supplied. "Just not yet. She said she'll get you when she's ready."
"I don't think you should wait," said Kennedy.
"What happened?" Willow repeated slowly. Then she froze, listening.
:::
*Willow,* Buffy thought tentatively.
*I'm here,* Willow assured her quickly.
*Willow, honey, I'm so sorry,* Buffy conveyed.
*You don't have anything to be sorry for,* Willow replied.
*Please forgive me,* Buffy requested.
*You haven't done anything wrong,* Willow asserted.
*Yes I have. I have and I don't know how to make it better, but I'm still sorry.*
*Buffy, what's going on?*
*I'm sorry and I need you, Willow.*
*Your room?* the witch questioned.
*Yes. Please, I need you. I'm so sorry.*
*I'll be right there.*
:::
"Willow, you still with us?" Kennedy waved a hand in front of the witch's face.
"She's ready," Willow replied, getting up to leave the kitchen.
"Where are you going?" Dawn questioned in confusion. "Kennedy, do you know what this is?" She gestured toward Willow's retreating back.
"Search me," said Kennedy with a shrug.
"Tell me what's going on," Dawn demanded again. "Please," she added quietly.
"It's not my secret to tell, Dawn," Kennedy informed her. "I already told one more person than I should hab - dammit. Oh, hey, M's. When did those come back?"
"Fine, you don't have to tell me specifics, just tell me something," Dawn pleaded.
"I told Buf - ow - I told Bubby something."
"You didn't call her a bitch, did you?"
"Um…not on burbose," Kennedy answered. "And I told her I was sorry. And I guess she's still saying it, but that's not what did it," she assured the teen quickly. "What I told her was - something about Willow."
"What about Willow?"
"Not mine to tell," Kennedy repeated. "But, um, she feels - ow - bad about it."
"Did Willow cheat on her?" Dawn blurted out. "Oh - wait - um...pretend I didn't say that."
"It's okay," Kennedy assured her. "I know."
"You do? Since when?"
"Right about the time I called Willow's girlf - ow."
"You called Willow's girlfriend a bitch," Dawn supplied.
"Yeah, that," Kennedy admitted.
"So why did you say it?"
"I didn't know it was Bubby," Kennedy said softly.
"And that would have made a difference?"
"Yeah. I mean, I would hab used nicer words and…I can sort of - ow - understand why. They both make a lot more sense now. I mean, I think Bubby's doing it wrong and so is Willow. They're both being bretty stubid about things, but I can see where they're coming from - ow. And I understand why Willow thinks she needs to…well, not mine to tell."
"Well, I still don't understand," Dawn pointed out. "What made Buffy go crazy?"
"She's blaming herself - ow. Fucking effs - ow!" Dawn raised her eyebrows. "Um, sorry about the language."
"Like I care," Dawn dismissed. "So, she's blaming herself?" Kennedy nodded. "You told her she was being a bitch to Willow and she believes it."
"Sounds kinda bad when you but it that way," said Kennedy. "I mean, I guess it's sorta my - bad, but I didn't mean to. And I really don't know what just happened with Willow."
"She's ready," Dawn realized.
"What?"
"Buffy, she's ready," Dawn explained. "She said she'd get Willow when she was ready."
"And Willow just knows?"
"Apparently," said the teen with a shrug.
"Damn, I neber had a chance," Kennedy noted.
"What?"
"Pretend I didn't say that," Kennedy amended quickly.
"You've been putting the moves on Willow?" Dawn questioned.
"Doesn't matter. Like I said, I neber had a chance."
"What about Vi?" Dawn demanded.
"I can't decide if - ow - if I'm interested in Bi," Kennedy replied levelly.
"Why not? What's she doing wrong?"
Kennedy pondered Dawn for a moment.
"You'll go straight to her with it," Kennedy observed.
"So?"
"Ib she can't f - ow - figure - ow - it out on her own, then I don't want her."
"But she likes you," Dawn argued. "You know she likes you."
"I like her too," Kennedy answered plainly.
"Then why the hell aren't you two making out right now?" said Dawn in frustration.
"Well, there's the big bruise on my ffface." She winced as she said it. "Making out would be kinda di - hard with that. And liking each other isn't exactly enough - ow. Tell her she's got what it takes, but she just has to bring it."
"Fine," Dawn decided to drop the topic. "There's something I still don't understand though. Do you know why Buffy was staring at the basement door?"
"Nope," Kennedy replied. "I think some of - ow - the girls are down there. Maybe she wanted to kill them."
"Oh, don't joke about that," Dawn said quietly.
"What?"
"There was - this one time. This demon made her crazy."
"And she went on a killing spree?"
"No. She, uh, tried though. Me, Xander, Willow…"
"Oh… Surely that wasn't it though," Kennedy reasoned. "And I think Spike's telling them war stories anyway, so-"
"Spike!" Dawn exclaimed. "Oh my God! … I shouldn't have left her alone." She turned as if she was about to run back up to Buffy's room.
"Hey," Kennedy called. "She's with Willow now."
"Oh - right," said Dawn, turning back again.
"So…Spike?"
"Not mine to tell," Dawn answered.
:::
"Hey," Willow said softly.
"Willow!" Buffy was seated on the edge of her bed, facing the door and rocking in place.
*I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.*
Willow quickly shut and locked the door behind her before hurrying to the bed and putting her arms around Buffy.
"Buffy, what happened?" Willow asked gently.
*Please, I'm so sorry.*
"You can talk to me," Willow encouraged her.
*I'm having trouble with the talking. Thinking's easier. I don't think the words are coming out right when I talk.*
"Yeah," Willow sighed. "Dawn said you sounded kinda - crazy."
*Why would she say that?* Buffy questioned. *I told you the words aren't coming out right.*
"I'm here for you, Buffy," Willow told her firmly. "I love you."
"Don't." Buffy pulled out of the witch's embrace, scrambling toward the headboard.
"Buffy, what's wrong?" Willow moved closer.
"Don't," Buffy said again.
"Don't what?" Willow prompted.
*Don't love me,* Buffy thought.
"Buffy, that's the one thing I can't do for you." Her arms encircled the blonde once more.
*Please don't.*
"I love you, Buffy."
*It hurts.*
"I can't stop loving you, Buffy."
*You should hate me.*
"I love you."
And the tears finally came. Rapidly, one after another, the tears raced down Buffy's face, running from the prison they had finally escaped. Buffy made no sound, no sobs escaped her, but the tears didn't care. Even though Buffy had hurt Willow, the witch still loved her.
"Buffy, can you tell me what's wrong?" Willow brought her hand up to Buffy's face, wiping away each tear as it came.
"I - I was talking to - and - I'm a - and… Hang on, I need to think."
"Okay, sweetie," Willow offered. "Take your time."
*I was talking to Kennedy.*
"Oh?" And then, "Oh!" Willow exclaimed. "Buffy, I know she's been flirting and stuff, but you didn't need to beat her up."
"No," Buffy said quickly. "Willow, that's not - that's not why I hit her."
*I'm guessing you've seen her face, then?* Buffy asked.
"Buffy, you don't need to feel this bad about one punch," Willow said consolingly.
*I don't feel bad about hitting her,* Buffy informed the witch.
"In that case, why did you hit her?"
*She wouldn't let go of my arm,* Buffy answered. *She took that punch.*
"Maybe you should start from the beginning," the witch suggested.
*Okay,* thought Buffy. *I was talking to Kennedy. The other girls had already gone in. I was gonna confront her about the whole hitting-on-you thing.*
"Was?" Willow questioned.
*We got kinda sidetracked,* Buffy explained. *She misinterpreted - I told her I noticed her checking you out - she thought I was making a pass at her. When I told her I wasn't, she started ranting.*
"Ranting?"
*About the girls in this town. She said she couldn't get Vi to make a move. And she said I was giving her mixed signals. … And you - you won't let her in even though - even though you cry every night…*
"Oh, Buffy, no," Willow said quickly, understanding at last. "Buffy, please don't blame yourself."
*I'm so sorry.*
"Buffy, it's not your fault," Willow assured her.
*It is my fault.*
"No, Buffy," Willow insisted.
*You should hate me. Why don't you hate me?*
"Because I love you, dummy," Willow responded through tears of her own. "I'm not angry with you. I cry because I love you and I miss you and I wanna be with you."
*And because I push you away.*
"You're trying to do what you think is best, Buffy," Willow said reassuringly. "And yeah, it hurts to be away from you, but I don't blame you."
"I'm a bitch," Buffy said flatly.
"You're not a bitch, Buffy."
"I am," Buffy insisted. "Willow, I hurt you and I hate myself."
"Don't," Willow said firmly. "You didn't hurt me, Buffy."
"You don't have to lie to me."
"You didn't hurt me," Willow repeated. "Just because it hurts doesn't mean that you hurt me."
"You should be with Kennedy."
"What?" Willow demanded.
"I'm a bad girlfriend," Buffy explained. "You deserve someone better."
"There isn't anyone better, Buffy," Willow told her. "You're the best person for me."
"It's wrong," Buffy defended. "I'm wrong for you. You shouldn't have to suffer for loving me. That's not how it's supposed to be."
"There is no 'supposed to be'," Willow argued. "Love's not a 'supposed to be' thing; it's an 'is' thing. I love you, Buffy. I won't give up on us…"
"You should…I'm bad."
"You're not."
"I don't want you to hurt. I'm not worth your tears."
"That's my call," said Willow plainly. "I wouldn't know how to stop loving you even if I wanted to… And more importantly, I don't want to. Buffy, if - if you want us to be - over…"
"I don't," Buffy answered. "I love you, but I'm not right for you… I just think you should be happy."
"You make me happy, Buffy. Sometimes I hurt, but you're the one who helps me with that."
"No, I'm an insensitive bitch."
"Buffy, I don't give a damn what Kennedy told you," Willow countered. "You are not a bitch. And you're not insensitive either. I'm the one who didn't tell you how I feel."
"Hypocrite."
"What?"
"You're blaming yourself," Buffy pointed out.
"Okay," Willow conceded. "But you're still not insensitive. You didn't know I was hurting."
"But I should have," Buffy argued. "I should have realized it when we were together."
"But I'm happy when we're together," said Willow. "Just being close to you makes all the pain go away."
"Really?"
"Really, Buffy. It's that sense that - that if I can just touch you - just once, then everything will be okay. For both of us."
"I like that," Buffy commented. "It's really pretty."
"I stole it from Kennedy," Willow admitted. "But it really is how I feel."
"Kennedy's pretty good with the words."
"Until someone punches her in the face," Willow noted.
"Yeah," Buffy sighed. "I think she told me not to blabe myselb."
"Smart girl," said Willow.
"I'm a dummy," Buffy announced.
"Sometimes," Willow answered.
"You're a dummy, too."
"Frequently."
Buffy began stroking Willow's hair.
"I still feel really terrible, Will," Buffy said gently.
"I wish you didn't," Willow offered, "but I understand why you do."
"God, when she told me…" Buffy shook her head sadly. "It was like something - Willow, it broke my heart," she finished shakily.
"I can make it better," Willow said softly, "if you'll let me."
"Let you?"
"All you have to do is accept it." They looked into each other's eyes. "I love you, Buffy." Buffy inhaled sharply. "Better?"
"Getting there," Buffy answered.
"Give it time."
"I love you too."
"I know you do," Willow assured her. "Really, I do. I know you would never hurt me."
"Finish it."
"What?"
"Your sentence," Buffy clarified. "Finish it."
"O-on purpose," Willow admitted quietly.
"Trust goes both ways, remember?" said Buffy. "I don't wanna have to keep asking this, Will… Why didn't you tell me?"
"Well, I had this crazy idea that you might blame yourself," Willow pointed out. "And it's not that I think you're insensitive - I know you're very sensitive and I wasn't sure how to tell you without hurting you. And you know I hate it when you worry over me. A-and I didn't - I thought you might change your mind, but it would be out of guilt."
"So if I asked you to move into my room right now…"
"I'd say you should think it over," Willow replied. "Make sure it's because you really want it and not because you feel guilty. I don't wanna be the type of person who would guilt trip you into anything."
"I still wish you would have told me how you feel," Buffy said gently. "You put so much energy into trying to spare me from worrying, but it ends up with you doing all the worrying and I don't want that. I mean, if we have to worry, we should at least be sharing it."
"You already have so much to worry about, Buffy," said Willow.
"I'm the Slayer, Will. I have superhuman capacity for worrying. You shouldn't have to do it alone. Let me help you," she insisted. "Tell me what you worry about."
"A lot of it is stuff that I shouldn't even worry about."
"Tell me," Buffy repeated.
"Promise you won't feel guilty?"
"No."
"Buffy…I don't want this to hurt you," Willow said meekly.
"I want you to tell me, Will," Buffy assured her. "It's hurting you and I want to help you."
"I-I'm ashamed of how I feel, Buffy," Willow began. "Because you tell me - you tell me that I don't need to worry and I worry anyway."
"You don't want me to blame myself and I don't want you to worry," Buffy responded. "Let's skip to the part where we get over that and talk to each other anyway."
"Okay," Willow agreed. "Can I start small though?"
"Of course you can."
"Sometimes I worry about Spike," said Willow.
"And that's your small worry?" Buffy questioned.
"Less and less over time," Willow explained. "And also less by comparison. At first - when you wouldn't tell him about us - it bothered me… It was like you were keeping us in separate boxes or something. Like you couldn't love me while you were with Spike. It took me a while to get past that."
"I'm sorry," Buffy offered quietly.
"And also - it really bugs me when he calls you 'pet' and 'luv' and stuff. I know it's just how he talks, but it gets to me…"
"Believe me, if I could stop him I would," Buffy pledged. "And you can call me that stuff too, if you want."
"Not in front of the potentials," Willow pointed out.
"Oh…"
"And I wouldn't want to use Spike's words anyway."
"Stop that," Buffy countered.
"What?"
"You just tried to gloss over one of your worries, Will."
"Oh…" Willow frowned. "Buffy, I - I know it hurts you when I bring it up."
"We decided to skip that part, remember?"
"I just - I wanna support you, Buffy."
"Willow, I don't need Support-O-Gal," said Buffy. "I need my girlfriend."
"Part of it," Willow began, "well, i-it felt like my opinion didn't matter. Like it was something where you couldn't trust me because I'm not the Slayer."
"I'm sorry."
"A-and the other part - the worse part… I-it feels - when I'm not with you - it feels like you're ashamed of us - of me."
Buffy closed her eyes and sighed deeply, fighting more tears.
"I wish I didn't feel like that," Willow vowed, "but I do."
"I was afraid of that," Buffy admitted. "I want you to know that I'm not ashamed of you - or us. I love you, Willow."
"I kinda figured that out. There was a little while there when - I wasn't really sure."
"You could've told me… You should have told me. I really wish you would've come to me - instead of…"
"I didn't go to Kennedy," said Willow. "I mean, she sleeps in my room and she kinda caught me at it - but it's not like I opened up to her or anything."
"And - and Spike?"
"I'm sorry…" Willow offered. "I was looking for someone to talk to by then."
"And was Spike your first choice?"
"Um…" Willow hedged.
"Um?"
"M-my first choice…" Willow stammered. "I - might've talked to - Mr. Gordo."
Buffy giggled briefly. Willow was glad to hear the sound.
"I love you, Willow." Buffy kissed her girlfriend's cheek.
"I love you too," said Willow softly.
"I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could come to me."
"Buffy, I knew I could come to you," Willow contradicted. "But I also knew it would hurt you."
"It hurts because it's so hard for me to say no to you, Will," Buffy informed her. "If you had ever pushed - just a little bit harder, I would've caved in."
"But…Buffy, that's part of the problem," Willow contested. "I feel like - like I'm in the way. I'm in the Slayer's way."
"Well, the Slayer's not here right now," Buffy responded.
"What?" Willow's brow furrowed as she contemplated her girlfriend.
"We'll get back to that," Buffy assured her dismissively.
"But - but…" Willow spluttered. "Buffy, I know that it's important to you. I don't wanna stop you from doing your job."
"No," Buffy stated firmly. "Willow, that's what The First told you. Am I the only one who thinks that evil beings might just maybe lie to us?"
"I know it can lie…but it can also use the truth. A-and it told me that after I found out it wasn't - wasn't what it said it was. And more than that - it's the feeling I get from you, Buffy."
"I…" Buffy's eyes welled with more tears.
"You talk about feeling divided and it makes me worry…" Willow looked timidly into Buffy's eyes. "Does the Slayer love me?"
"Of course the Slayer loves you," said Buffy, trying to keep her voice firm, in spite of more tears. "I'm divided, but - not like that," Buffy tried to explain. "I love you, Will," she emphasized.
"Do you ever wish you didn't?" Willow inquired quietly.
"Never," Buffy assured her. "I had my chance to be less human, remember?"
"Does the Slayer wish she didn't love me?"
"That's not how it works," said Buffy, attempting to clarify the matter. "I. Love. You." She paused after each word for emphasis. "It doesn't matter what I'm doing or - what state of mind I'm in. The only thing I wish for - is you."
"I…" Willow swallowed once as her eyes began to water. "That's - what I hoped for. I just - there was so long that I didn't know. And I was so afraid because I couldn't just trust you."
"I understand that," said Buffy gently. "Believe, me if there's one person who understands trust issues, it's me."
"I felt so alone."
"I'm so sorry," Buffy vowed, softly kissing Willow's forehead. "If there's anything I can do… I wanna make it up to you."
"Just love me," said Willow simply.
"I do."
"That's all I need. I understand now that you care and it makes all the difference in the world."
"I'm glad."
"It was hard," Willow continued. "It was hard to understand because - your actions didn't really match your words."
"Willow, I lied to you."
Buffy let the sentence hang heavily in the air for a moment. Willow stiffened in her arms.
"What?"
"Well, I didn't tell you the whole truth," Buffy qualified. "When I - when I said we should be private. When I said the girls needed the Slayer. Every time I tell you I'm afraid to let go." She sighed, shifting slightly. "That's not the whole truth."
Willow grabbed one of Buffy's hands and kissed it gently.
"So tell me the whole truth," she requested.
"I guess I - I actually started with my smallest worry," Buffy admitted. "A-and you never pushed it so - I didn't tell you the rest. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," said Willow soothingly. "Talk to me, Buffy."
"It's - it's less about the girls needing a leader. I mean, they do need one and they're afraid - but more than that…"
"You're afraid."
Buffy nodded.
"Do you know what you're afraid of?" the witch prompted.
"Some of it," said Buffy. "I mean, I don't want them to see that - that I have weaknesses. I want them to think - that I'm untouchable. No hate, no fear…no love. Just cold, impersonal justice. I don't want them to doubt me. Giles already does."
"Giles does?" Willow questioned.
"He thinks I'm blind about Spike. He said my - my feelings color my judgment."
"Well, between you and me, Giles is kinda dumb sometimes too," Willow pointed out.
"But if he can doubt me, then I know those girls can doubt me," Buffy reasoned. "That's why - part of why - I'm afraid to let them know who I really am. What if they don't like fallible, human Buffy? What if they can't trust me?"
"Can you trust them?" countered Willow. "I know that it's scary, Buffy. And sometimes trust can end in a lot of pain. But do you remember the other part? How it can also be really wonderful?"
"I haven't forgotten," Buffy pledged. "It's not all sunshine and puppies though."
"No, it isn't," Willow agreed. "But isn't the alternative even worse?"
"I know," Buffy sighed. "It all makes sense on paper - but it's so much harder to put into action."
"Especially in a house full of strangers," Willow acknowledged. "I understand where you're coming from. I think most people want to come across as infallible. But you really don't have to carry it all alone though. Even if it's what you think they want, that doesn't mean you have to do it."
"There's something else," said Buffy. "Something else that - I haven't told you."
"What is it, Buffy?" Willow stroked the back of Buffy's hand in an affectionate and supportive gesture.
"When I - sometimes - when I fall asleep…" Buffy began. "I have - dreams."
"Prophecy dreams?" asked Willow.
"No." Buffy shook her head. "I don't really know what they are - which is kinda the problem - but I know they're not prophecy dreams. I dream about…" Taking a deep breath, she willed herself to say it aloud. "I dream about my mom."
"Oh, Buffy," said Willow sympathetically.
"And she - she tells me - pretty much what you just said," Buffy confessed. "That I need to rest - that I don't have to let everyone else control my life - and I don't know," said Buffy desperately. "I don't know what it is. If it's The First, then I should probably do the opposite - unless it knows that's what I'll do and so it says the opposite. And if it's not The First - if it's her - then it's probably really important advice. And if it's just my own - my own subconscious, then I don't know what the hell to do. And if-"
"Ignore it," Willow interrupted. "Ignore it," she repeated at a glance from Buffy. "Don't let it affect your decisions. Pretend like it didn't even happen and just make your choices based on what you think is best, not on anything else."
"Once again, on paper it spells G-O-O-D and in my head it spells H-U-H."
"Give it time," said Willow reassuringly. "Not all of your decisions have to be made right away."
"I want you to move into my room, Will," Buffy stated plainly. "I don't wanna put it off."
"And I want you to think it over," Willow countered calmly. "I need to know that it's not about guilt."
"How long?"
"Until you know, Buffy. Until you know that it's what you really feel is the best thing to do. Bring it up again when you know that."
"Willow, I need you to stay," said Buffy. "I can't be away from you tonight."
"I'll stay tonight," Willow pledged. "But we're making an excuse. I'm not gonna let this situation pressure you into something you might not want."
"What excuse?" Buffy questioned.
*Dawn,* Willow thought to both Buffy and her sister.
There was a pause as they waited for a reply.
*Holy crap!* answered the teen.
*Didn't mean to scare you,* Willow offered in apology.
*You owe me a new shirt,* Dawn retorted. *I was drinking that apple juice you left out.*
*Run it through the machine,* thought Willow dismissively.
*Fine… I'm guessing there's a reason you're in my head,* prompted Dawn.
*Wanted to let you know that we're not coming down tonight,* Willow informed her.
*Is Buffy okay?*
*I'm fine, Dawn,* Buffy assured her.
*Oh…so you're listening too.*
*I'm sorry I scared you, Dawn,* thought Buffy. *I was really losing it down there, but I'm feeling a lot better now. Thanks again for your help.*
*It's what we heroes do,* Dawn responded.
*Listen, Dawnie,* Willow requested, *does anyone else know what happened?*
*Kennedy does,* replied Dawn.
*Get her to help you then,* Willow continued. *We need you to make an excuse for the others. Tell them I messed up a spell or something and that it's gonna take me a while to put it right - and that anyone who disturbs my concentration is getting turned into a bunny.*
*Anya won't like that.*
*Tell Anya first,* thought Willow, smiling at Buffy.
*Why don't you guys just come out of the closet already?*
*Not closeted,* Buffy thought defensively.
*Still fits,* Dawn countered.
*We might tell them soon,* Buffy supplied. *We haven't reached a decision yet.*
*Just make an excuse so we're covered either way,* Willow added.
*Fine, fine,* Dawn thought at them. *What about Kennedy's face? She's telling people you guys were sparring and it got out of hand.*
*Works for me,* Buffy thought back.
*We'll see you in the morning, okay Dawnie?* thought Willow.
*Okay,* Dawn thought back. *I love you guys.*
*We love you too,* Willow told her.
*Love you, Dawn,* supplemented Buffy.
The couple relaxed into each other's embrace.
"I'm glad you asked me to stay," Willow said gratefully.
"I'm glad you said yes," Buffy replied. "I really need you, Will. I think maybe more than you realize."
"I'm here for you, Buffy."
"Willow…" Buffy hesitated. "Can you go into my head?"
Willow froze.
"Please," added Buffy.
"Buffy," the witch said softly. "That's another thing I don't want you to do out of guilt."
"No," Buffy countered firmly. "Willow, I don't want you to."
"Huh?"
"The idea still scares me half to death, but I need you to."
"I'm still not following you, Buffy."
"Remember - when I said the Slayer's not here," Buffy reminded her. "Well, I meant that. That - that part of me - that way of thinking - those instincts and impulses… Willow, I can't get at them."
Willow sat up straight and stared into her lover's eyes.
"It's like that part of me is locked up," Buffy explained. "Like it threw a fit and locked itself in its room."
"And - just to verify," Willow prefaced, "you do want it back, right?"
"Yes," Buffy confirmed.
"Just checking," said the witch. "I mean, I know you've been conflicted about that."
"I wouldn't be me if we started taking pieces out," Buffy reasoned. "It's all part of who I am. Some day I might even come to terms with that."
"And…you're sure this is what you need, right?" Willow questioned. "I mean, the last time you were completely gone - so I had to. This - this is deep stuff, Buffy. With you conscious - it kinda scares me a little."
"I need all my parts in working order," Buffy answered. "And I've been trying to - to unlock the door myself, but I can't. You're the only person I could ever trust to help me with this, Willow."
"Okay," Willow assented. "This could take a while though."
:::
"Where'd you disappear to?" Dawn asked Vi as she slipped in the back door.
"Went for a walk," said Vi with a shrug, fridge bound.
"After sunset?" Dawn nodded toward the darkened windows. "Did you meet anything creepy?"
"I don't like to brag," said the potential Slayer, pulling a pizza box from the fridge.
"You did, didn't you?" Dawn's eyes widened.
"I dusted two," Vi admitted with a faint blush.
"Oh my God, that's so cool," Dawn praised.
"I was kinda nervous about the first one," Vi began, clearly eager to share the story. "We were staring each other down," she put a plate into the microwave, "and I thought to myself, 'I'm a potential Slayer. And what's this guy?'"
"And what was he?"
"A potential pile of dust." Vi hopped up on the counter as she waited for the microwave to finish.
"Well said." Dawn nodded in appreciation. "So what about the second one?"
"Scratched my shoulder," Vi noted, indicating the torn fabric of her shirt. "Other than that, no major damage. It was like Buffy said about that Turok-Han. 'Dust, just like the rest of them.'"
"Cool," Dawn repeated as Vi started in on her pizza.
"So," she mumbled between bites, "is Kennedy mad at me?"
"No," said Dawn. "Should she be?"
"I don't know." Vi swallowed a large mouthful. "She seemed pretty moody earlier."
"I think she was just stressed about that big bruise on her face."
"Maybe."
"Wow, you're really tearing into that pizza," Dawn observed.
"When did we even get pizza?" Vi questioned between bites.
"Xander orders one every few days," Dawn informed her. "I think he knows one of the managers there."
"Cool. Definitely glad it was here."
"I can see that."
"Sometimes, after training - or like tonight, after a fight - I just get so hungry."
"Sort of like those cravings Kennedy was talking about?" Dawn raised her eyebrows suggestively.
"Oh my God." Vi blushed. "Do you really think she was talking about me?"
"Come on," Dawn insisted, "she didn't have to bring up the color of her shirt. She was so totally coming on to you. You know, she told me she likes you," she added casually.
Vi's eyes widened as she forced herself to swallow again.
"Oh my God!" the potential Slayer exclaimed. "Why didn't you say so sooner?"
"I believe her exact words were, 'I like her' and 'she's got what it takes; she just needs to bring it.'"
"What do I do?"
"What do you mean, do? You walk up to her and just say, 'Hey, let's go out.'"
"I-I couldn't do that," Vi blushed.
"Oh sure," Dawn rolled her eyes. "Ask her to slay two vampires, no problem. Ask her to ask out the girl she's had a crush on for weeks, now she's shy."
:::
Buffy blinked dazedly. Sunlight was streaming through her window and a pair of arms was wrapped around her. A faint smell of strawberries lingered in the air and Buffy felt pleasantly warm. She pulled herself closer to the woman next to her.
"Did I fall asleep?" she asked drowsily.
"For a little while," Willow answered warmly. "How do you feel?"
"Warm, safe, whole," Buffy listed.
"You two getting along in there?" the witch questioned.
"Don't call me two," Buffy retorted.
"You know what I mean," said Willow with a sigh.
"And you know I'm not two," Buffy countered. "I'm like - I'm like those circles that you use when you compare and contrast - and they overlap."
"A Venn diagram," Willow supplied.
"That," Buffy confirmed.
"So, are you more in compare or contrast?"
"I think I'm a happy medium right now," Buffy decided. "Definitely feeling happy. And strangely well-organized."
"So…" Willow prompted. "How was it?"
"It was - intense. And scary too. Though not as scary as I expected it to be."
"Things rarely are," Willow said sagely.
"Thank you, Willow," said Buffy devoutly. "From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I love you, Willow."
"I love you more," Willow teased.
"Nope, I love you infinity," Buffy said dismissively.
"Well then, I love you the same." The witch leaned in for a kiss.
"I've missed you so much, Will."
"I know that now," Willow assured her. "I'm sorry I ever doubted you."
"I'm sorry I wasn't completely honest with you."
"I'm sorry infinity," Willow said smugly.
"Damn," said Buffy with a pout. "Well, I'm sorry infinity too."
They kissed again.
"I found something that might work on Spike's trigger," announced the witch.
"Yeah?" Buffy questioned casually.
"Yeah," Willow affirmed. "Just - try not to be too surprised when Giles brings it up. Or, you know, upset with him."
"No promises," Buffy qualified. "I mean, I'm starting to think the trigger's not even active anymore. Like, something about everything he's been through might've broken it or something. 'Cause The First has had plenty of chances. He's been alone with lots of those girls - and with you. Don't you think it would have activated him by now if it could?"
"I don't know, Buffy," said Willow. "It'll still be good to have the materials if we need them."
"Thanks for telling me."
"That's why I brought it up," Willow clarified. "I've known for a few days."
"Well, I'm sure you had a good reason for not telling me."
"In retrospect, it was probably a so-so reason," admitted the redhead.
"Well, then it was a learning experience for you," the Slayer reasoned.
"I'm glad you're in such a good mood this morning."
"I love you," Buffy answered simply.
"I love you too."
"I wish I was better at showing you how I feel," said the Slayer guiltily. "It really is hard for me to be away from you. And I knew that it was hard for you too - I guess I didn't realize how much though."
"Part of that's because I didn't want you to see it, Buffy," Willow explained.
"There's nothing else, right?" Buffy verified. "Nothing else you're hiding to try and keep me from worrying."
"We're fine," said Willow plainly. "Really, this time."
"I'm still trying to work the guilties out of my system."
"I know," the witch assured her. "Take your time, Buffy. I want you to be really, really ready."
"You don't sound worried," the Slayer noted.
"I'm not," Willow pledged. "Not anymore. I know that you really do want me. And even if you end up changing your mind about the room thing - it still makes a world of difference just to know that you want me."
"I'm sorry there was ever any doubt. I never meant for that to happen… It still feels terrible to think how much you were hurting."
"I feel bad for not telling you," replied the witch.
"We really should've gotten to the talking a lot sooner. I feel like we wasted so much time… And for what it's worth, I don't think I'm gonna change my mind."
"I don't think you will either," said Willow with a smile. "Take your time though. Not everything has to be all at once."
"Thanks again for - everything."
"I hope you learned something from this…"
"I've learned a lot of somethings from this," said the Slayer. "Wanna spell out which one you're thinking of."
"You can let go, Buffy," Willow said softly. "Even if you're afraid, you can let go and be Buffy. And if you can't get back to where you need to be by yourself, then I can help you."
"Thank you," Buffy said again.
"I love you, Buffy."
"I love you too. And it's so good to hear that from you," the Slayer added. "I mean, you've been in my head - my post-post-mortem head - you've seen what a mess it is in there - and you love me."
"Yes, I do," Willow answered solemnly. "I understood a lot of that before I went in there."
"It still means a lot to me."
"And it means a lot to me that you let me in. I'd like to return the favor sometime. I mean, I'm sure you're still getting comfortable in your own head - but sometime…"
"I'd love to, Will. Not right away or anything, but definitely sometime."
"It's a date," said Willow, grinning brightly.
:::
Next Chapter: Lies my Parents Told Me
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