(no subject)
I'm pretty angery right now.
maybe sad.
its like a lack of recognition,
and then a panic,
and then lonliness.
and then the sorrowful realization that you have not changed.
its a horrible cycle.
You asked for it. [27 May 2004|03:38pm]
In this entry i have kinda off crossed the line. Your not suppose to put what you are feeling in full in these things cause other peole see them, But i feel this os what i have to do, adn if you are not, Annie,Hannah,Mo,Nadine, Dan or ryan, this may not make sense.
If i tell you nothing's wrong, it means i don't want to tell you,....or there is actually nothing wrong. get it? So please for the last time will you stop because it doesnt matter how many times you ask you are still going to get the same 2 letter answer. But now,as you have all pushed me to that breaking point, here you go.
Im the odd ball. Literally. There is 7 of us. And everyone is in a pair, but me.You have no idea how difficult that is. Everyone else does things together, just the 2 of you, but no, not nearly as much with me. Everyone has their best friend of their best friends who they can talk too. And yes One of you has offered to talk, a numerous amount of times,..but its not the same, cause i will never be your best friend,and their is nothing you or I can do about that,...and i would never, ever wanna break two best friends apart.....again:(.
I have different veiws. With you guys its all about school. getting the A's, going to harvard, being in a musical, becoming an actor, a doctor ect.. Its not like that for me, and it never will.I want a reason to be happy with my life. My goal is to find something worth living for, some type of talent, that will make me beable to look in the mirror and say that i have given something to this world, and i deserve to be here.And no money, no school, no grade, no award is going to beable to give me that.
"I'm Sweden", as ryan says.Always nutruel. Everyone always comes to me when they have a problem, always.And it's nice, it makes me feel important and less like the odd ball, but it definitely has its toll. Its emotionally draining,trying to keep everyone out of a fight. I use all of my stable emotions on helping you guys, that none are left for me, i just cant live my own life anymore. I just watch you expressoinless as you progress and start dating people and growing up, but i am put in this frozen stage.No one talks to me about that stuff anymore.I would fall apart if no one told me anything, cause it would seprate me more. A lose lose situation.
So there you have it. You wanted it, you got it. This is what is in my head.Satisfied?
[25 May 2004|06:19pm]
[ music | Don't stop believing ]
warning: This entry is just me...venting if you will, and i know some people get emotional over this stuff, so i wouldnt read if that fits your personality
Sometimes i just hate my friends.I am so utterly different them them, and it pisses me off. My veiws and opinions are on the other end of the spectrum and it bothers. I know im stubborn, but some people,..I mean where does preparing end and your life begin?
I hate school. I know, i know you're thinking well deosnt everyone? Im not talking about school in that manner. I mean i hate the whole society of school. I think its one of the cruelest place you can ever be in. I'm not made for middle school or high school. Why is everyone just a jerk to everyone else? Would it be so bad for one day to just smile at someone who you don't particularly like, just to be nice? Or to go one day without gossiping about someone else?I mean it could make a world of a difference.School is basically your life, and its really diasssapointing that its based on gossip and rumors, and cruelty. Lately ive just been really quiet if you noticed. And its not because "somethings wrong", im just tired of all this stuff. And it kills me because i know that my one group of friends is totally dependent on this type of stuff.It's what hold us together-which is repulsive, and you dont realize that this is the type of stuff that creates all the drama. I'm not doing that anymore.
I seriously need some new friends. Or creating better relationships with old friends. I mean I love all of you, and yeah i still wanna be close and friends, but i need different people to.
would anyone like to be friends with me?
yeah. that one goes under stupidest question ever.
maybe sad.
its like a lack of recognition,
and then a panic,
and then lonliness.
and then the sorrowful realization that you have not changed.
its a horrible cycle.
You asked for it. [27 May 2004|03:38pm]
In this entry i have kinda off crossed the line. Your not suppose to put what you are feeling in full in these things cause other peole see them, But i feel this os what i have to do, adn if you are not, Annie,Hannah,Mo,Nadine, Dan or ryan, this may not make sense.
If i tell you nothing's wrong, it means i don't want to tell you,....or there is actually nothing wrong. get it? So please for the last time will you stop because it doesnt matter how many times you ask you are still going to get the same 2 letter answer. But now,as you have all pushed me to that breaking point, here you go.
Im the odd ball. Literally. There is 7 of us. And everyone is in a pair, but me.You have no idea how difficult that is. Everyone else does things together, just the 2 of you, but no, not nearly as much with me. Everyone has their best friend of their best friends who they can talk too. And yes One of you has offered to talk, a numerous amount of times,..but its not the same, cause i will never be your best friend,and their is nothing you or I can do about that,...and i would never, ever wanna break two best friends apart.....again:(.
I have different veiws. With you guys its all about school. getting the A's, going to harvard, being in a musical, becoming an actor, a doctor ect.. Its not like that for me, and it never will.I want a reason to be happy with my life. My goal is to find something worth living for, some type of talent, that will make me beable to look in the mirror and say that i have given something to this world, and i deserve to be here.And no money, no school, no grade, no award is going to beable to give me that.
"I'm Sweden", as ryan says.Always nutruel. Everyone always comes to me when they have a problem, always.And it's nice, it makes me feel important and less like the odd ball, but it definitely has its toll. Its emotionally draining,trying to keep everyone out of a fight. I use all of my stable emotions on helping you guys, that none are left for me, i just cant live my own life anymore. I just watch you expressoinless as you progress and start dating people and growing up, but i am put in this frozen stage.No one talks to me about that stuff anymore.I would fall apart if no one told me anything, cause it would seprate me more. A lose lose situation.
So there you have it. You wanted it, you got it. This is what is in my head.Satisfied?
[25 May 2004|06:19pm]
[ music | Don't stop believing ]
warning: This entry is just me...venting if you will, and i know some people get emotional over this stuff, so i wouldnt read if that fits your personality
Sometimes i just hate my friends.I am so utterly different them them, and it pisses me off. My veiws and opinions are on the other end of the spectrum and it bothers. I know im stubborn, but some people,..I mean where does preparing end and your life begin?
I hate school. I know, i know you're thinking well deosnt everyone? Im not talking about school in that manner. I mean i hate the whole society of school. I think its one of the cruelest place you can ever be in. I'm not made for middle school or high school. Why is everyone just a jerk to everyone else? Would it be so bad for one day to just smile at someone who you don't particularly like, just to be nice? Or to go one day without gossiping about someone else?I mean it could make a world of a difference.School is basically your life, and its really diasssapointing that its based on gossip and rumors, and cruelty. Lately ive just been really quiet if you noticed. And its not because "somethings wrong", im just tired of all this stuff. And it kills me because i know that my one group of friends is totally dependent on this type of stuff.It's what hold us together-which is repulsive, and you dont realize that this is the type of stuff that creates all the drama. I'm not doing that anymore.
I seriously need some new friends. Or creating better relationships with old friends. I mean I love all of you, and yeah i still wanna be close and friends, but i need different people to.
would anyone like to be friends with me?
yeah. that one goes under stupidest question ever.