(no subject)
ok kids, i havent updated in sometime and i have a lot of stuff built up...so if you arent that interested this is your disclaimer. im going to try to break this up into themes...but i can almost guarantee that it will take a rambling turn.
where to start...thanksgiving was a disaster. i went home a week early because my dad was going to west virginia to do some hunting so i was staying with my mom and helping her out. dad came back the day before thanksgiving...he blew up on thanksgiving concerning a couch over a vent. this escalated into a threeway fight between the parents and myself. this is two hours before dinner. my mom ended up crying...threw away all the table stuff and stopped making dinner. i managed to talk her into finishing a smaller dinner and turning it into lunch. so i ate thanksgiving dinner at 11am and then i left for cincinnati. ive spent too much time in willard this year. so it was a surprise when i got home for xmas and had a pretty good time. i even ate sea urchin with michelle.
ive been back to the doctor regarding my thyroid. after 3 months of blood tests etc, he has come to the conclusion that the tests were inconclusive. thank god i waited on pins and needles for that news. so we switched my anti-anxiety medicine in attempts to curve the weightgain i had on the previous medicine. ive gained 40 lbs since january. ive complained 3 or 4 times at various points through the year about said weight gain to the apporpriate authorities...and my cries have gone unheeded. do you have any idea how awful it feels to be on a medicine that makes you eat nonstop for 11 months? i would eat 5-6 full meals a day most days. so now, im stuck with my highest weight total in my life. i feel disgusting and im so disappointed with myself. i keep thinking that i should have had more self control...but when i would wake up at 3am and feel like i havent eaten for 3 days...im not sure i could really control that. so the doctor has given up and is sending me to psychiatry. anyway you look at it, im still a fat blob who is pissed and depressed.
im also frustrated bc i feel like ive lost friends...but at my own cause. in some cases i feel like ive just exhausted all the options. hearing no frustrates me everytime i hear it so it feels like my efforts are in vain and then i just start to ignore people. in other cases people call/text/email me and i just cant find the effort to return their efforts. its not that i dont like these people...bc i love them. i just dont have the energy to do it. it really is an awful cycle. im just so frustrated with everything and everyone that i want to sit in my recliner and hide...but then i do and i get frustrated bc ive wasted another day. i havent even been to the symphony this year. bah.
2008 was supposed to be a year of rebuilding and it turned into a year of desperation and remorse...now 2009 has to be a cleanup year. so i guess ill have to make that the silver lining in my cloud?
who knows.
bah humbug stockholm
where to start...thanksgiving was a disaster. i went home a week early because my dad was going to west virginia to do some hunting so i was staying with my mom and helping her out. dad came back the day before thanksgiving...he blew up on thanksgiving concerning a couch over a vent. this escalated into a threeway fight between the parents and myself. this is two hours before dinner. my mom ended up crying...threw away all the table stuff and stopped making dinner. i managed to talk her into finishing a smaller dinner and turning it into lunch. so i ate thanksgiving dinner at 11am and then i left for cincinnati. ive spent too much time in willard this year. so it was a surprise when i got home for xmas and had a pretty good time. i even ate sea urchin with michelle.
ive been back to the doctor regarding my thyroid. after 3 months of blood tests etc, he has come to the conclusion that the tests were inconclusive. thank god i waited on pins and needles for that news. so we switched my anti-anxiety medicine in attempts to curve the weightgain i had on the previous medicine. ive gained 40 lbs since january. ive complained 3 or 4 times at various points through the year about said weight gain to the apporpriate authorities...and my cries have gone unheeded. do you have any idea how awful it feels to be on a medicine that makes you eat nonstop for 11 months? i would eat 5-6 full meals a day most days. so now, im stuck with my highest weight total in my life. i feel disgusting and im so disappointed with myself. i keep thinking that i should have had more self control...but when i would wake up at 3am and feel like i havent eaten for 3 days...im not sure i could really control that. so the doctor has given up and is sending me to psychiatry. anyway you look at it, im still a fat blob who is pissed and depressed.
im also frustrated bc i feel like ive lost friends...but at my own cause. in some cases i feel like ive just exhausted all the options. hearing no frustrates me everytime i hear it so it feels like my efforts are in vain and then i just start to ignore people. in other cases people call/text/email me and i just cant find the effort to return their efforts. its not that i dont like these people...bc i love them. i just dont have the energy to do it. it really is an awful cycle. im just so frustrated with everything and everyone that i want to sit in my recliner and hide...but then i do and i get frustrated bc ive wasted another day. i havent even been to the symphony this year. bah.
2008 was supposed to be a year of rebuilding and it turned into a year of desperation and remorse...now 2009 has to be a cleanup year. so i guess ill have to make that the silver lining in my cloud?
who knows.
bah humbug stockholm