I'm back
I'm back from WV and am actually at the office right now. I am just a mess right now and I do not know what to do with myself. We got home late Sunday night and I spent the last two days in bed. I do not have the words to describe how sad and devastating it is to lose your mom so suddenly and at such a young age.
Please, please, please talk to your parents and make sure that they have a will and that you know what they want at the time of their death. This is such a devastating experience and it is even worse if you don't know what your parent would want you to do. Do not let them brush you off by saying that they have time, trust me, you might not. My mom was never diagnosed with any heart problems yet she is dead of a heart attack at the age of 57.
Also, obviously you cannot prepare for something like this but if something is hugely important to you or your parents try to get it done now. For instance, we were all just together 2 weekends ago for my cousin's baby shower - this was the first time that my parents, my sister, her husband and their son, and Todd and I had been together since the baby was born. My parents stayed with my uncle on Saturday night and had plans to come to my aunt's house where my sister and I were staying on Sunday morning and take a picture of the 7 of us all together. Well, my uncle was having computer problems and asked my dad to help him so they were very delayed getting to my aunt's house. By that time Todd and I had already left because we had such a long trip home. So, we did not get a picture of all of us together but we never thought that would be the last time we were together. I am quite certain that this will be one of the biggest regrets of my entire life. There are a ton of other things that we will always wish that we had done together but this one is the biggest.
My mom died of a massive heart attack last Tuesday. She, my dad, and my aunt (mom's sister) were at my sister's house and they had dinner together and she said she had a headache but it wasn't a big deal. She apparently started feeling "weird" and had some chest tightening so she told my dad she wanted to leave and go home. They only live 3 streets away from my sister. They said goodbye to my sister, the baby, and my aunt and headed home. She wanted to lay on the couch and about 5 minutes later my dad asked her how she was and she said her chest felt tight and her arm felt tingly. My dad asked her if she thought she should go to the hospital and she said no. About 3 minutes later she yelled my dad's name and then my dad said she went all stiff and started making noises. My dad immediately called 911 and they told him to do CPR, which he did and then the paramedics showed up very quickly (small town). They tried everything for 45 minutes but they never got her heart started again. They did transport her to the hospital but her heart never resumed working and there was nothing they could do. My dad said that he truly believes that she was dead within 15 seconds and that it was so fast she wasn't in pain. We will always wonder "what if?" she had gone straight to the hospital from my sister's house but we will never know if that would have made a difference or not since it was such a massive heart attack.
My uncle called me and asked to speak to Todd but he was at the Maryland game and he said he was so sorry to have to tell me when I was by myself but that my mom had a heart attack and was on the way to the hospital but things didn't look good. I still remember it was 9:20. I just started freaking out and trying to call Todd at the game and I started throwing things in the suitcase so that we could leave for WV as soon as Todd got home. I never got Todd on the phone. Our neighbor is the cheerleading coach and she was at the game also, so I got her on the phone and she tried to find Todd in the arena but couldn't and they wouldn't page him. My uncle called back shortly and said that she was dead and I just couldn't believe it. Even though he told me it wasn't good I never expected her to die. He called Todd's mom and she came over but I didn't want to talk to anyone. Finally, finally, finally we got Todd on the phone and he rushed home. My dad called and it was the worst phone conversation of my life. We stayed up nearly all night and left for the long trip early on Wednesday morning.
My parents did not do any advance planning for their funerals and even though my mom did try to talk about it with my dad, he told her he didn't want to talk about it, so we just had to guess at what she would want. If any of you have parents who have not planned or at least made their wishes known to you, please talk to them about this. Trust me, you do not want to have to think about and agonize over all of these decisions when you are grieving. We had so much to do in such a short amount of time and it was overwhelming. None of us had had any sleep and we had a memorial service and a funeral to plan. I had been such a mess until I got to WV but once we were there something came over me and it became really hard to cry and I just felt so much pressure to be strong for my dad and my sister. My sister was just so shocked and a mess- she was just with my mom 30 minutes before she died and she was supposed to go back to work this week and my mom was going to keep Ethan. Thank God that we have some cousins who own a funeral home so we just used them and they made things as easy as possible for us but it was still so awful I cannot even describe it. We had to choose a casket, casket flowers, write an obituary, pick out clothes for her to wear, decide which jewelry we were going to bury her in, choose cemetary plots, cemetary engravings, etc. Wednesday was horrific to say the least.
Thursday didn't start off any better when we found out that the newspaper printed the obituary wrong - they left my dad's name out and my mom's brother. I swear to God I almost killed someone at the newspaper office that day. How the fuck do you fuck something up that bad when it is such a sensitive issue? That day was a blur of preparations for the memorial service and tons and tons of family members coming into town. And, the incompetent fucking hairdresser who has done my mom's hair for years showed up over 3 hours late to fix my mom's hair. I was 5 minutes away from having to go to the funeral home and fix her hair myself because I wasn't going to let her look bad for the memorial service. I am so thankful she showed up finally. The viewing was very, very long and it was the most surreal experience of my life to see my mom in a casket. It didn't look real and I keep expecting her to just get up any moment. I don't know how my dad did it but he and I stood by the casket and talked to the over 300 people who came and it was just so sad and draining. The outpouring of support for us was amazing and I truly hope that all of those people who said they were going to call my dad and make plans with him really follow through on that because he is going to need the company. All of Todd's parents finally made it in that night at 1 a.m. after driving through a snowstorm and we were thankful that they were safe.
Friday morning was the funeral. We all made the decision together that we wanted to stand beside the casket while it was closed and that was awful but in a weird way I needed to see that to really believe that she was gone. My dad gave the most amazing eulogy I have ever heard and I am so proud of him. The graveside service was very short since it was so cold. My parent's church had a lunch for everyone afterwards and it was so weird to have all of our family and friends gathered together and not have my mom be there. We all agreed that my mom would have loved to have seen everyone together.
Saturday was just a blur of people, sadness, and family stuff. We left to come home on Sunday afternoon. My dad is staying with my sister and all things considered, is doing the best that he can. My parents were totally inseperable and my mom took care of my dad like he was a baby. He has no idea how to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. I have no idea how he is going to continue living without her. For now, he is with my sister and I am so thankful that she is so geographically close to him. Now that we are back in MD I am racked with guilt about what little we can do from this far away. I talk to him on the phone and I can write thank you cards for the flowers and stuff like that but what the hell can I really do to help him in day to day life? I was really holding everyone together and making decisions and keeping busy while I was in WV but now that I am home the reality has started to hit me and I am a mess. I have been taking sleeping pills because I can't sleep. I just spent that last 2 days in bed and I drug myself to work today at noon. My boss is amazing and I could take more time off but I am just so depressed at home I thought it might be best to get out and try to work. I am getting no work done but it has helped to get some of this stuff out. I think I will be hitting the martini shaker tonight.
Thank you all for your support. I cannot believe that all of this is real and that Ethan will grow up without a grandmother (my sister's husband's mom is dead also) and that mine and Todd's future babies will never know my mom. I am sick with regret that I hadn't talked to her since the baby shower and that I wasn't with her when she passed away. I am sick with dread about how my dad is going to continue living and how devastated he is to lose his whole world. I do not know how you get over something like this.