Text messaging has made phone calling much less emotionally uncertain. You can text a person and ask "Are you busy? Is this a good time to talk?" (or words to that effect). They'll tell you whether or not you're interrupting anything important - they may very likely even call you. Either way, it eliminates you having to make the initial phone call that triggers the feeling you're not as important as everything else in their life. Then you can work on that self-esteem problem ;-)
A text message is far less immediately intrusive than a phone call. The recipient can finish what they're doing, or at least reach a convenient break point, before they even reply to you. And you can even say "Call me when you get a chance", thereby removing any necessity for you to initiate a phone call at all.
Even though I know this intellectually, it's still hard. In part this is because even though I have a phone with a (tiny) keyboard, it's still a complex operation and I'm always screwing up, hitting send or back when I meant backspace or delete.
But part of it is something weird that I still haven't figured out.
I just feel like, if they're busy they'll ignore the text until they have time to check the phone. If they don't feel like talking, they don't even have to say so; they can just ignore the text.
But this only works if the friend you're planning to call has texting, of course.
And if they know what to do when they get one. And if I have enough time and attention to remember to compose a message that they can respond sensibly to by phone or text, even if I don't know which one they're not comfortable with.
Which is to say, it appears to be really easy for me to make up reasons not to initiate the conversation.
Well, yes. We pre-arranged this. When I am interested in calling, I send my friend a message saying "Chat?" And she either calls me or texts back "Can't. Tomorrow?" or doesn't get back to me in which case I assume she is busy or away from her phone.
But if there are people you want to call regularly, you could arrange this with them when they call--or send them an e-mail asking if they're interested in such an arrangement. Or send a paper letter asking them to text you if they're interested in such an arrangement.
There are all kinds of not-demanding-extra-attention ways to set this up. Whatever you're most comfortable with.
I think almost anybody who owns a cell phone knows what to do with a text message. As for composing something sensible: a simple "Can you talk now?" will elicit either a text message saying "Yes", a text message saying "No, not now", a text message about continuing the conversation via text messages, or a phone call from the recipient, all at the recipient's convenience and comfort level.
See "Which is to say, it appears to be really easy for me to make up reasons not to initiate the conversation.", above. It's pretty obvious to me that I'm making up excuses; what's not obvious is why.
Until I figure that out, it's going to continue to be a problem.
Okay, a little "practicing psychology without a license" here...
What is it you dislike and/or fear about initiating conversations? Why do you dislike and/or fear that? What is the worst thing that could possibly happen if you did initiate a conversation? How likely is it to happen? What if something else happens?
Please note that I am not asking you these questions in order to get answers from you; I'm asking you to ask yourself these questions, and then think hard about your answers. You don't actually have to tell me anything - just follow the line of questioning yourself, to its logical conclusion.
Thanks. Yeah, very much like that. I keep thinking that if I could figure out why the wall is there, I could do something about it. acelightning has some good suggestions, but her first question -- "What is it you dislike and/or fear about initiating conversations?" -- that seems the hardest one to answer.
Well, most "land line" phones don't do text messages - and some people still don't have cell phones, or the only phone available to them at a particular time is a land line. This will stop being a problem when everyone gets an implanted subminiature phone as soon as they've learned to talk :-)
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Though, even texting is a problem; I think it's not just self-esteem, though that's a large part of it.
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But part of it is something weird that I still haven't figured out.
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I just feel like, if they're busy they'll ignore the text until they have time to check the phone. If they don't feel like talking, they don't even have to say so; they can just ignore the text.
But this only works if the friend you're planning to call has texting, of course.
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Which is to say, it appears to be really easy for me to make up reasons not to initiate the conversation.
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But if there are people you want to call regularly, you could arrange this with them when they call--or send them an e-mail asking if they're interested in such an arrangement. Or send a paper letter asking them to text you if they're interested in such an arrangement.
There are all kinds of not-demanding-extra-attention ways to set this up. Whatever you're most comfortable with.
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Ask yourself why you keep making up excuses.
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Until I figure that out, it's going to continue to be a problem.
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What is it you dislike and/or fear about initiating conversations? Why do you dislike and/or fear that? What is the worst thing that could possibly happen if you did initiate a conversation? How likely is it to happen? What if something else happens?
Please note that I am not asking you these questions in order to get answers from you; I'm asking you to ask yourself these questions, and then think hard about your answers. You don't actually have to tell me anything - just follow the line of questioning yourself, to its logical conclusion.
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It seems to be bothering you, is all. It's like you find starting a conversation means climbing over a wall to begin.
I wish I could lower the wall. Or get you a ladder.
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Thanks. Yeah, very much like that. I keep thinking that if I could figure out why the wall is there, I could do something about it. acelightning has some good suggestions, but her first question -- "What is it you dislike and/or fear about initiating conversations?" -- that seems the hardest one to answer.
It'll take some thinking, I guess.
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By random four year olds who are likely to forget to turn off their phone at bedtime?
The kids will start believing in spirits--but the spirits are all cranky grownups who tell them to turn their phones off.
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