Ha Ha. Look What I found!
PAINTBALL? MAYBE IT SHOULD BE CALLED "PAINBALL"
by Matt Burke
Historian, author, renowned ruiner of Sunday school lessons, and all around pretty smart guy.
It really should be called "painball." (Get it? I left out the 'T'! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, you're right. It's not that funny.)
I. History
Paintball began to catch on as a sport back in, well the actual date escapes me, but I can guarantee that it did in deed begin at one point or another. This sport was invented by some criminally insane sadist who simply wanted an excuse to run around in the woods and shoot people with harmless paintball "guns". WAIT!! I have just received word from the Fraternal Order of Paintball Players that "guns," a callous and vile word is politically incorrect. If something is not done, future people may begin to naively refer to the devices used to shoot one another in a paintball game as "guns." Henceforth it has become my responsibility, a responsibility that will not be taken lightly, to for now on and forever more, refer to those "paintball guns" as "markers." Clearly this will preserve and protect the fine noble game of paintball for untold millions to enjoy. And since, quite frankly, I hate history, we will now commence to move our discussion to the pros and cons of this game.
II. Cons
As many of you prepare yourselves to take place in the holy game in which the members of Christ United Methodist Church dart around in the woods and shoot each other in Christian love and fellowship. This is obviously a great ministry tool. However, when done improperly, this game may reek havoc on the small and wimpy. These young, or old, as the case may be, people may sustain numerous ailments including (but not limited to):
-bruises
-lacerations
-broken bones
-damaged egos
-loss of consciousness
-concussions
-welts
-tumors
-black eyes
-broken noses
-Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome
-Moles
-cancer
-blood leakage
-torn clothes
-disorientation
-liver disease
-minor confusion
-miner confusion (if you're a miner)
-minor confusion (if you're under 18)
-loss of income
-punitive discharge from the military
-sudden amnesia
-athlete's foot
This list, while although unexhaustive, should give demonstration to the myriad of afflictions that one may sustain.
III. Pros
I've racked my brain and came up with the following comprehensive list of pros:
-It's fun
OK. I couldn't really think of much. Apparently this is the only reason that this game is played. The winners don't get into good colleges, obtain trophies, or become world famous. So it a question remains to be answered: Why does one participate in this brutal and insane game?
IV. Why one participates in this brutal and insane game.
I believe this question was answered in part III. Pros. While this could be the most in depth portion of today's discussion, the answer can be resolved in a few words: It's fun. So says Scripture: "Blessed are those that play paintball, for they should inherit the turpentine (for paint removal)". Now I realize that that was not really Scripture, but it remains to be seen why we do this .
V. Equipment
OK. Against my warnings and urgent urgings, you've accepted the call and agreed to the long and arduous affair of playing this exciting game. First we shall have a quick conversation on the equipment and then a rundown of an example game. Here is a simple list of typical devices that may prove helpful in the coming storm:
-Flashlight
-Battery Operated Radio
- Umbrella
What's that? The "coming storm" is a metaphor for playing paintball? Well why didn't you say so?
Sorry folks. The equipment for the metaphorical coming storm may include:
-Goggles (GAH-gulz) > These are necessary pieces of safety equipment to protect your eyeballs from flying projectiles which are a sure part of the game.
-"Marker" (MAR-kur) > ie gun. shoots a painball
-Paintball (PAENT-bul) > small gelatinous ball filled with colored paint
-Hopper (HAH-pur) > small container for storing paintballs about to be fired
VI. Simple walkthrough of a typical game.
Person A hides in a bunker (B). He sticks out his "marker" (C) and shoots a paintball (D) at person E, sticking out of his bunker (F). D comes out of C , flies across B, leaving A behind, strikes E who falls backwards into F and cries while A laughs his head (G) off until E's teammate (H) commences to shoot A in the knee (I) and the referee (J) removes A, E, and H from the field (K) and places them on the bench (L) because they broke the paintball Geneva Convention rules (M) section N paragraph O sentence P which states, "do not engage in combat until J declares the game to be on.
That was heinous.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you ready to spend the day playing paintball. I am tired now, not sleeping for two days while working on a report will do that to you, and shall now begin to snooze through the rest of my weekend.
by Matt Burke
Historian, author, renowned ruiner of Sunday school lessons, and all around pretty smart guy.
It really should be called "painball." (Get it? I left out the 'T'! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, you're right. It's not that funny.)
I. History
Paintball began to catch on as a sport back in, well the actual date escapes me, but I can guarantee that it did in deed begin at one point or another. This sport was invented by some criminally insane sadist who simply wanted an excuse to run around in the woods and shoot people with harmless paintball "guns". WAIT!! I have just received word from the Fraternal Order of Paintball Players that "guns," a callous and vile word is politically incorrect. If something is not done, future people may begin to naively refer to the devices used to shoot one another in a paintball game as "guns." Henceforth it has become my responsibility, a responsibility that will not be taken lightly, to for now on and forever more, refer to those "paintball guns" as "markers." Clearly this will preserve and protect the fine noble game of paintball for untold millions to enjoy. And since, quite frankly, I hate history, we will now commence to move our discussion to the pros and cons of this game.
II. Cons
As many of you prepare yourselves to take place in the holy game in which the members of Christ United Methodist Church dart around in the woods and shoot each other in Christian love and fellowship. This is obviously a great ministry tool. However, when done improperly, this game may reek havoc on the small and wimpy. These young, or old, as the case may be, people may sustain numerous ailments including (but not limited to):
-bruises
-lacerations
-broken bones
-damaged egos
-loss of consciousness
-concussions
-welts
-tumors
-black eyes
-broken noses
-Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome
-Moles
-cancer
-blood leakage
-torn clothes
-disorientation
-liver disease
-minor confusion
-miner confusion (if you're a miner)
-minor confusion (if you're under 18)
-loss of income
-punitive discharge from the military
-sudden amnesia
-athlete's foot
This list, while although unexhaustive, should give demonstration to the myriad of afflictions that one may sustain.
III. Pros
I've racked my brain and came up with the following comprehensive list of pros:
-It's fun
OK. I couldn't really think of much. Apparently this is the only reason that this game is played. The winners don't get into good colleges, obtain trophies, or become world famous. So it a question remains to be answered: Why does one participate in this brutal and insane game?
IV. Why one participates in this brutal and insane game.
I believe this question was answered in part III. Pros. While this could be the most in depth portion of today's discussion, the answer can be resolved in a few words: It's fun. So says Scripture: "Blessed are those that play paintball, for they should inherit the turpentine (for paint removal)". Now I realize that that was not really Scripture, but it remains to be seen why we do this .
V. Equipment
OK. Against my warnings and urgent urgings, you've accepted the call and agreed to the long and arduous affair of playing this exciting game. First we shall have a quick conversation on the equipment and then a rundown of an example game. Here is a simple list of typical devices that may prove helpful in the coming storm:
-Flashlight
-Battery Operated Radio
- Umbrella
What's that? The "coming storm" is a metaphor for playing paintball? Well why didn't you say so?
Sorry folks. The equipment for the metaphorical coming storm may include:
-Goggles (GAH-gulz) > These are necessary pieces of safety equipment to protect your eyeballs from flying projectiles which are a sure part of the game.
-"Marker" (MAR-kur) > ie gun. shoots a painball
-Paintball (PAENT-bul) > small gelatinous ball filled with colored paint
-Hopper (HAH-pur) > small container for storing paintballs about to be fired
VI. Simple walkthrough of a typical game.
Person A hides in a bunker (B). He sticks out his "marker" (C) and shoots a paintball (D) at person E, sticking out of his bunker (F). D comes out of C , flies across B, leaving A behind, strikes E who falls backwards into F and cries while A laughs his head (G) off until E's teammate (H) commences to shoot A in the knee (I) and the referee (J) removes A, E, and H from the field (K) and places them on the bench (L) because they broke the paintball Geneva Convention rules (M) section N paragraph O sentence P which states, "do not engage in combat until J declares the game to be on.
That was heinous.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you ready to spend the day playing paintball. I am tired now, not sleeping for two days while working on a report will do that to you, and shall now begin to snooze through the rest of my weekend.