(no subject)
This is explicit and personal, and don't read it if you don't want to know intimate details about my sex life. If you want to know, and want to understand, and want to get pissed off, and want to maybe understand yourself better...
Ladies.
Have you ever sat and thought, really thought, about what sex has been to you over the course of your life? Has it been super-awesome, amazing, mind-blowing, sexy, and most importantly, has it felt good? Physically good? Really?
I have been lying to myself for years in answering this question. I have spent hours and hours of my life PRETENDING to enjoy sexual encounters. I represented myself as someone who enjoyed sex. I moaned, I breathed hard, I clawed, I faked so many orgasms it makes me want to scream. And sometimes I actually convinced myself that I really was enjoying it, that maybe if I pretended it felt good it would begin to.
How FUCKED is that?
Would a man ever find the need to do this? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think so. So why did I? For one thing, it was supposed to feel good, and if it didn't something was definitely wrong with me. Cosmo tells us that men find it unsexy when women aren't uber-responsive in bed. Porn tells me (and men) that women can get off virtually any way, and get off loudly. Men tell me that they make every girl come. Girls, stop pretending that a finger jabbing in and out of you for five minutes is really making you come. Do us all a favor. Stop being "hot" and "sexually responsive" and tell your man that you need to feel good or there is no reason to be doing this.
Men need to learn that they need to find out what really feels good for us. They need to learn that they have to find out or they are so not getting laid. This culture is fucked. Cosmo is always telling women how to really make men have great orgasms. Since when have men have a problem with that? You don't see men's magazines with articles on the clitoris ever.
This is a problem. Do you know how indoctrinated I was by these magazines? I compete with other women and don't know how to be friends with them. I am critical of my body but can't show it because then I clearly have an eating disorder. "Dress for your body type", says Cosmo, and proceeds to tell you how to cover your flaws instead of show off your assets. Cosmo used to tell me that my body hair was gross and my scent was gross (And many men do find these things gross, because they're indoctrinated too. I frankly don't give a flying fuck anymore). THey used to tell me that I could "succeed" in the world by thinking more like a man, because compassion and nurturing have no place in our society and the only viable measure of success if financial, acquired by stepping on other people. Cosmo taught me to manipulate, to play games, to envy, to calculate. Every woman is evil and out to get me, and every man is afraid of commitment so I have to use games to "snag" him.
I am aware that this is all sick and twisted and wrong, yet there's something automatic in me that still subscribes to all this bullshit.
.........
Here's the thing. I never wanted to be a cliche. I didn't want to believe the stereotype that women just want love and men just want sex. Sexual revolution! Women's sexual freedom! So I wanted desperately to enjoy sex for sex's sake. The thing is... sex was never what I wanted. I didn't realize that all those years of being coerced and manipulated and treated like trash, I really was looking for one thing.
I wanted someone to cup my face in his hands, look into my eyes, and say,
"You are beautiful, you are loved, and you are wanted".
Instead, here's what I got.
Junior High: Tongue down the throat, making me feel uncomfortable in the school hallways, literally choking me. Hand grabbing my ass as I walked up the stairs from the basement. Boys in Spanish class humping my desk, calling me names like "queen of cleavage", staring at my chest. Pictures of my breast on the internet. My boyfriend flirting with my best friend and later dating her (not to mention going in the toolshed with someone's little sister while we were together). The guy I had liked for three years manipulating me into phone sex, which was the only way I thought I could get him closer to me- and I just pretended all those times, by the way. My best friend's boyfriend lying to me about all his friends thought I was hot so that she would feel less attractive and not realize her own worth.
High School: Some guy from school coercing me, eventually giving me five dollars to get drunk so that he could make out with me on halloween in front of his ex-girlfriend. Later, continuously pursuing me until I was interested, and, at that point, shutting me down. The charming musician, acting like we were so meant to be, quoting Postal Service lyrics, all until I fooled around in his car and he left me in the dust. His friend going after me next, spending every weekend with me for months until my birthday, when we had plans and he never showed up. Never heard from him again. My ex-boyfriend roughly coercing me into giving him head, and when I stopped because I was uncomfortable and scared, he told me I wasn't good at it anyway. Guys texting me late at night, guys trying to get me drunk. My boyfriend trying to cheat on me during the fucking Harry Potter premier, and then telling everyone at school that we had had sex when I was actually still a virgin. My friend's neighbor showing me porn, cumming on me without warning, and then throwing me a towel and leaving. A party where the host told everyone he was going to sleep with me, and his friend later forced himself on top of me while I was sleeping and wouldn't leave. Having sex for the very first time and then being asked to keep it a secret from my best friend so nobody in our town would find out. Faking orgasms, dry, bad finger-jabbing, tongues attacking my mouth without even a whisper of lip-to-lip contact. Being with someone who refused to go down on me, who hated foreplay, but who "couldn't make it" without recieving blow jobs. Who got irritated when we had to stop because it hurt, because of course I wasn't turned on before we started.
The worst part of all this is that I didn't realize... I was worth SO MUCH MORE than this all along. I thought it was all my fault, I felt guilty and weird every time I was used as an object. No. It was not my fault, and I am no less of a person for any of the denigration I suffered. It is the fault of the way that men are being raised, the way they learn to mistreat, abuse, rape, hurt, use, and break women's spirits.
Ladies, can you understand this? Can you relate? You all need to know that you DESERVE BETTER. You deserve to be spoiled rotten, treated with love and respect, hear the whole "I love you, you're beautiful" rigamarole every day. You deserve to be allowed to have emotions and to show them: you are not a "crazy bitch" because you are scared or lonely or sad. You deserve someone who you respect and who respects you, a partner, an equal.
Please please please think about these things. Don't lie to yourself. I shared all this shit that hurts to write because I want you to know that you aren't alone. And guys, I want you to understand a woman's experience, rethink how you approach sex. Leave me comments, defend yourselves, whatever. I want to hear it.
Ladies.
Have you ever sat and thought, really thought, about what sex has been to you over the course of your life? Has it been super-awesome, amazing, mind-blowing, sexy, and most importantly, has it felt good? Physically good? Really?
I have been lying to myself for years in answering this question. I have spent hours and hours of my life PRETENDING to enjoy sexual encounters. I represented myself as someone who enjoyed sex. I moaned, I breathed hard, I clawed, I faked so many orgasms it makes me want to scream. And sometimes I actually convinced myself that I really was enjoying it, that maybe if I pretended it felt good it would begin to.
How FUCKED is that?
Would a man ever find the need to do this? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think so. So why did I? For one thing, it was supposed to feel good, and if it didn't something was definitely wrong with me. Cosmo tells us that men find it unsexy when women aren't uber-responsive in bed. Porn tells me (and men) that women can get off virtually any way, and get off loudly. Men tell me that they make every girl come. Girls, stop pretending that a finger jabbing in and out of you for five minutes is really making you come. Do us all a favor. Stop being "hot" and "sexually responsive" and tell your man that you need to feel good or there is no reason to be doing this.
Men need to learn that they need to find out what really feels good for us. They need to learn that they have to find out or they are so not getting laid. This culture is fucked. Cosmo is always telling women how to really make men have great orgasms. Since when have men have a problem with that? You don't see men's magazines with articles on the clitoris ever.
This is a problem. Do you know how indoctrinated I was by these magazines? I compete with other women and don't know how to be friends with them. I am critical of my body but can't show it because then I clearly have an eating disorder. "Dress for your body type", says Cosmo, and proceeds to tell you how to cover your flaws instead of show off your assets. Cosmo used to tell me that my body hair was gross and my scent was gross (And many men do find these things gross, because they're indoctrinated too. I frankly don't give a flying fuck anymore). THey used to tell me that I could "succeed" in the world by thinking more like a man, because compassion and nurturing have no place in our society and the only viable measure of success if financial, acquired by stepping on other people. Cosmo taught me to manipulate, to play games, to envy, to calculate. Every woman is evil and out to get me, and every man is afraid of commitment so I have to use games to "snag" him.
I am aware that this is all sick and twisted and wrong, yet there's something automatic in me that still subscribes to all this bullshit.
.........
Here's the thing. I never wanted to be a cliche. I didn't want to believe the stereotype that women just want love and men just want sex. Sexual revolution! Women's sexual freedom! So I wanted desperately to enjoy sex for sex's sake. The thing is... sex was never what I wanted. I didn't realize that all those years of being coerced and manipulated and treated like trash, I really was looking for one thing.
I wanted someone to cup my face in his hands, look into my eyes, and say,
"You are beautiful, you are loved, and you are wanted".
Instead, here's what I got.
Junior High: Tongue down the throat, making me feel uncomfortable in the school hallways, literally choking me. Hand grabbing my ass as I walked up the stairs from the basement. Boys in Spanish class humping my desk, calling me names like "queen of cleavage", staring at my chest. Pictures of my breast on the internet. My boyfriend flirting with my best friend and later dating her (not to mention going in the toolshed with someone's little sister while we were together). The guy I had liked for three years manipulating me into phone sex, which was the only way I thought I could get him closer to me- and I just pretended all those times, by the way. My best friend's boyfriend lying to me about all his friends thought I was hot so that she would feel less attractive and not realize her own worth.
High School: Some guy from school coercing me, eventually giving me five dollars to get drunk so that he could make out with me on halloween in front of his ex-girlfriend. Later, continuously pursuing me until I was interested, and, at that point, shutting me down. The charming musician, acting like we were so meant to be, quoting Postal Service lyrics, all until I fooled around in his car and he left me in the dust. His friend going after me next, spending every weekend with me for months until my birthday, when we had plans and he never showed up. Never heard from him again. My ex-boyfriend roughly coercing me into giving him head, and when I stopped because I was uncomfortable and scared, he told me I wasn't good at it anyway. Guys texting me late at night, guys trying to get me drunk. My boyfriend trying to cheat on me during the fucking Harry Potter premier, and then telling everyone at school that we had had sex when I was actually still a virgin. My friend's neighbor showing me porn, cumming on me without warning, and then throwing me a towel and leaving. A party where the host told everyone he was going to sleep with me, and his friend later forced himself on top of me while I was sleeping and wouldn't leave. Having sex for the very first time and then being asked to keep it a secret from my best friend so nobody in our town would find out. Faking orgasms, dry, bad finger-jabbing, tongues attacking my mouth without even a whisper of lip-to-lip contact. Being with someone who refused to go down on me, who hated foreplay, but who "couldn't make it" without recieving blow jobs. Who got irritated when we had to stop because it hurt, because of course I wasn't turned on before we started.
The worst part of all this is that I didn't realize... I was worth SO MUCH MORE than this all along. I thought it was all my fault, I felt guilty and weird every time I was used as an object. No. It was not my fault, and I am no less of a person for any of the denigration I suffered. It is the fault of the way that men are being raised, the way they learn to mistreat, abuse, rape, hurt, use, and break women's spirits.
Ladies, can you understand this? Can you relate? You all need to know that you DESERVE BETTER. You deserve to be spoiled rotten, treated with love and respect, hear the whole "I love you, you're beautiful" rigamarole every day. You deserve to be allowed to have emotions and to show them: you are not a "crazy bitch" because you are scared or lonely or sad. You deserve someone who you respect and who respects you, a partner, an equal.
Please please please think about these things. Don't lie to yourself. I shared all this shit that hurts to write because I want you to know that you aren't alone. And guys, I want you to understand a woman's experience, rethink how you approach sex. Leave me comments, defend yourselves, whatever. I want to hear it.