2nd choice
I somehow forgot the password to my deadjournal which is frustrating because unless I remember it I will never be able to log in again! Whatever email that account has is so old by now I have no access to it so I can't do a password recovery. (http://www.deadjournal.com/support/faqbrowse.bml?faqid=183 told ya!) BUT I'M DEPRESSED AND I WANT TO WRITE A DEPRESSING RANT. Livejournal is just too happy of a place for such things. OR IS IT...?
I feel like I've reached that point where the world isn't laid out in front of me with the "you can do whatever you want" feeling abound. I no longer feel like I can be or do anything I want. That time has passed and now it's too late for me to get a degree in ichthyology, or do a semester abroad in Tunisia, or be a pilot, write a novel, or take gymnastics. I don't necessarily even want to do all those things, but the thought that I still had the choice meant the world was still fresh and full of life. Why does it feel so dead now? I'm not that old am I?
I'm not necessarily saying that I'm not where I want to be in life. I have accomplished lots of things and I feel proud of myself. I guess maybe I want more, or I want opportunity, or I want the ability to choose to do something else. Is it too late to do that? At this point my choice is EITHER go out and keep exploring the world and my knowledge OR follow the generic path of creating a family, buying a house, picket fence, etc. The latter never really interested me because I've always been more interested in adventure... but what about when that adventure is over? When I'm 55, do I want to come back to a rental place, alone, sharing my pictures to the internet hoping someone looks? Yikes...
If my dog would stop farting I could collect my thoughts better.
If I DO want the generic life that society dictates - how do I go about it? How do I find the person, the place, make the big decisions, make enough money for a family and a house? HOW DO I LEARN TO BE AN ADULT? DID I MISS THAT CLASS?
The other day for work I needed to visit a high school library to look at some old yearbooks. Before I left, I put on really pink lip gloss and asked my roommate if I could pass for a high schooler. She laughed at me and said I could maybe pass for 20. When did that happen? When did I go from young lady to old hag? Okay, old hag is a stretch, but I still feel on the inside that I could pass for a high schooler! That was, until I went to the high school and saw the students. Wow. Was that how young I used to look? Dayum! Even the way they carry themselves and talk and interact just seemed so juvenile, so distant. But before that I didn't feel like it was distant, I still felt youthful.
I guess I'm scared. I'm scared that if I don't make the right future-minded decisions now, then I'll end up in a terrible place later. I'm scared that I'll die alone. Alone is much scarier to me than it used to be. I used to fight to be alone, seek it out, and embrace it. Now it scares me. Now alone means I'm unloved or unwanted. I keep NPR on all the time just so I don't feel alone (even though I am). I can't tell if the right solution is to force myself to be alone until I can accept it, or surround myself with as many loved ones as possible, increasing the ranks so everywhere I turn will be a familiar face. That will take lots of work considering I feel like most of my friends are distant now, moving on with their lives.
Sometimes when I jog in the morning I'll have such staggering philosophical thoughts that I'll literally fight to catch my breath. I'll yank my brain out of the depths just so I can finish my jog. Why am I becoming so overwhelmed? Does this happen to other people? Do other people ponder life's quandaries daily and delve into despair? How do I preoccupy my brain into only happy thoughts? You know, that's the most ironic part - I've been trying my hardest to be a positive person. To reject negativity and encourage others to be positive. I felt like it was working for a while, and I still do it around others... but I can't do it with myself. With myself negativity tends to win.
I guess the biggest fear that I'm about to actualize is that I'm probably going to be alone on my birthday. Maybe I'll watch 16 Candles and pretend like everything ends happily in real life, too.
I feel like I've reached that point where the world isn't laid out in front of me with the "you can do whatever you want" feeling abound. I no longer feel like I can be or do anything I want. That time has passed and now it's too late for me to get a degree in ichthyology, or do a semester abroad in Tunisia, or be a pilot, write a novel, or take gymnastics. I don't necessarily even want to do all those things, but the thought that I still had the choice meant the world was still fresh and full of life. Why does it feel so dead now? I'm not that old am I?
I'm not necessarily saying that I'm not where I want to be in life. I have accomplished lots of things and I feel proud of myself. I guess maybe I want more, or I want opportunity, or I want the ability to choose to do something else. Is it too late to do that? At this point my choice is EITHER go out and keep exploring the world and my knowledge OR follow the generic path of creating a family, buying a house, picket fence, etc. The latter never really interested me because I've always been more interested in adventure... but what about when that adventure is over? When I'm 55, do I want to come back to a rental place, alone, sharing my pictures to the internet hoping someone looks? Yikes...
If my dog would stop farting I could collect my thoughts better.
If I DO want the generic life that society dictates - how do I go about it? How do I find the person, the place, make the big decisions, make enough money for a family and a house? HOW DO I LEARN TO BE AN ADULT? DID I MISS THAT CLASS?
The other day for work I needed to visit a high school library to look at some old yearbooks. Before I left, I put on really pink lip gloss and asked my roommate if I could pass for a high schooler. She laughed at me and said I could maybe pass for 20. When did that happen? When did I go from young lady to old hag? Okay, old hag is a stretch, but I still feel on the inside that I could pass for a high schooler! That was, until I went to the high school and saw the students. Wow. Was that how young I used to look? Dayum! Even the way they carry themselves and talk and interact just seemed so juvenile, so distant. But before that I didn't feel like it was distant, I still felt youthful.
I guess I'm scared. I'm scared that if I don't make the right future-minded decisions now, then I'll end up in a terrible place later. I'm scared that I'll die alone. Alone is much scarier to me than it used to be. I used to fight to be alone, seek it out, and embrace it. Now it scares me. Now alone means I'm unloved or unwanted. I keep NPR on all the time just so I don't feel alone (even though I am). I can't tell if the right solution is to force myself to be alone until I can accept it, or surround myself with as many loved ones as possible, increasing the ranks so everywhere I turn will be a familiar face. That will take lots of work considering I feel like most of my friends are distant now, moving on with their lives.
Sometimes when I jog in the morning I'll have such staggering philosophical thoughts that I'll literally fight to catch my breath. I'll yank my brain out of the depths just so I can finish my jog. Why am I becoming so overwhelmed? Does this happen to other people? Do other people ponder life's quandaries daily and delve into despair? How do I preoccupy my brain into only happy thoughts? You know, that's the most ironic part - I've been trying my hardest to be a positive person. To reject negativity and encourage others to be positive. I felt like it was working for a while, and I still do it around others... but I can't do it with myself. With myself negativity tends to win.
I guess the biggest fear that I'm about to actualize is that I'm probably going to be alone on my birthday. Maybe I'll watch 16 Candles and pretend like everything ends happily in real life, too.