TEAM ROMANCE: Déjà vu, "The One With the Staplers"
Title: The One With the Staplers
Author: icantfollow ( interview)
Team: Romance
Prompt: Déjà vu
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard (minor Teyla/Ronon)
Rating: PG13
Warnings: None
Summary: John Sheppard is the receptionist for Pegasus Software, Inc. and Rodney McKay's their top computer programmer. They've been best friends for years, causing as much mayhem in the office as they dare under the watchful eye of regional manager Elizabeth Weir. Lately, though, John's been having these strange dreams about something called the Stargate Program and even stranger feelings for Rodney...
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**
"Good morning, Pegasus Software, Inc. This is John."
Rodney McKay, senior computer programmer and resident loudmouth, is making faces at him from across the room. John retorts by sticking out his tongue while at the same time managing to say, "One moment please," though it sounds more like, "Un 'o'ent, pwease."
They both crack up. Mature, they are not.
Such is a typical morning at the office. Ronon Dex, from Human Resources, pauses by Rodney's desk and just stares - but Ronon's stare could shut down a frat party, so Rodney sobers immediately. John shrugs, tries not to smile, and answers the phone, "Good morning, Pegasus Software, Inc. This is John."
Kavanagh, a pissant software engineer who's usurped a cubicle in the middle of the office, much to John and Rodney's displeasure, comes in late, looking harried and red-faced.
"I'm here, I'm here!" he shouts, sliding into his desk chair with toilet paper trailing from his shoe and his fly undone. There's even spots of shampoo still in his hair.
"Psst, McKay," John whispers over the intercom.
"I set his special digital watch with optional alarm clock back an hour yesterday," Rodney replies, knowing what John is asking without actually asking. "Now go away, Sheppard, I'm busy."
Rodney returns to his very important game of solitaire, just as Kavanagh, who has leaned over to get something from his desk, yanks on the drawer and goes flying out of his chair, crashing down with all his paperwork swirling around him. Rodney pages the front desk.
"I glued all the drawers of his desk shut," John says, answering the phone.
Rodney hangs up with a grin on his face.
*
Teyla Emmagen from Accounting doesn't approve of their 'antics,' but she's not really a bad sort. Once John even caught her re-labeling all the cartons in the fridge marked, 'Kavanagh's - Do Not Touch' with mailing labels for Tanzania.
When he asks her about it, all she says is, "There are starving children in Africa, John."
*
Regional Manager Elizabeth Weir comes in at ten a.m. sharp and stops first at the front desk for her messages. She's a woman in a man's world, but John pities the man who tries to tell her that.
Part of the reason he thinks she's so good is that she keeps to a strict routine. Even though she doesn't come into the Atlanta office until ten, she's been up since six fielding her own phone calls and talking to potential buyers.
"Good morning, John," she says. "Messages?"
"You got two calls from IOA Insurance," John replies while simultaneously filing the letters she hands him, "and one from a group calling themselves 'The Trust'."
"Hm," is all she says. From the perfect cut of her suit to the tips of her Manolo Blahniks, she's the ideal professional. The only thing that could stand improvement, in the office's opinion, is her hair. "Did they leave a number?"
"No, they said they'd call back later."
"Hm," she says again. "Let me know as soon as they do, even if I'm in a meeting."
Then she disappears into her office and won't be seen again for several hours. John signals to Rodney over the top of his computer and sets the automated voicemail system.
"So last night, I had this crazy dream," John says in the break room as he pours Rodney's mug of Colombian Select.
"All of your dreams are crazy, Sheppard," Rodney replies, rolling his eyes. "Don't you remember that one the time you dreamt you were being chased by a giant stapler and then got three-hole punched to death?"
"Yeah, but this was different. This one felt real."
They sit down at the table and Rodney inhales the aroma of his coffee. John's taken out a PDA and starts typing in his schedule while he talks.
"You were a scientist and I was an Air Force Colonel, and we were traveling around outerspace using these things called 'stargates'. We met aliens and visited strange planets - it was very cool."
Rodney pauses, mid-sip, and his eyes widen slightly. "You were dreaming about me?"
John shakes his head, hoping to shrug this accidental revelation off. "Focus, McKay. Does that seem at all familiar to you? I can't shake the feeling that...I don't know, maybe it's all real."
"Okay, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Rodney checks his watch and, with obvious regret, pours the remainder of his coffee down the drain. "There's no such things as aliens and you don't work for the Air Force. You're a secretary."
"Receptionist."
"Whatever." Rodney looks at him like maybe he's gone insane in the last five minutes. "You don't really believe in any of that garbage, do you? Extraterrestrials, life on Mars? Come on, we've got to get back to work."
*
"Who am I having lunch with, John?" Elizabeth asks, emerging from her office like a bear from its cave.
John checks the schedule and feels an odd chill, which he ignores. "Caldwell, from the U.S. Air Force. He wants to talk about the new firewall we've developed."
"Right, thanks." And she's gone, just like that. Pretty easy woman to work for, and a hell of a lot better then the idiot who came before her.
The phone rings again. "Good afternoon, Pegasus Software, Inc. This is John."
A pleasant female voice says on the other end, "Rodney McKay, please."
Rodney hardly ever gets phone calls. "May I ask who's calling?"
"Samantha Carter."
John puts her on hold, then pages Rodney. "Hey, McKay, there's some chick on the line for you, says her name's Samantha Carter. Want me to put it to voicemail?"
Rodney's head snaps up so fast, John's sure he heard his neck break. "Put her on."
"What? You never take personal calls at work." Even Rodney's sister is put directly to voicemail.
"Well, I'm making an exception - put her on."
John transfers the call, and watches a smile spread over Rodney's face. He has to resist the impulse to eavesdrop - or smash something. It just figures. Four years, and he thought they were finally on the same page.
Clearly, they're not even reading the same book.
*
Rodney doesn't notice that John is glowering at him; he probably wouldn't understand even if he did. For a man who's studied binary as a second language, he's really, really thick.
*
Chuck Campbell is the new office temp, and John, as the previous holder of that title, feels some sage advice is in order.
"That copier," says John, pointing, "is just for the accountants. Teyla will kick your ass if you use even an ounce of toner."
"Copier off-limits - check," says Chuck. He claps John on the shoulder. "You know, I appreciate it, but I think I can handle myself. It's not like the fate of the universe rests in our hands or anything."
"Don't mind him," Rodney calls out, no longer on the phone, "he's just jealous because now he has competition. He was voted 'Hottest in the Office' last year."
"Says the man who stuffed the ballot box," John retorts.
Rodney only grins, and goes back to his programming. Chuck shoots John a sympathetic look, but doesn't quite meet his eyes after that.
John, flushing bright red, wonders what it would take to plant Rodney's fingerprints on Teyla's copier.
*
Kavanagh is a brown-noser, and a whistle-blower, and a general pain in the ass, but he's still a human being, so sometimes - once in a while - John feels guilty for the things he does.
But not the time with the wet paint sign on the men's bathroom door.
Because that one made Rodney laugh for a week.
*
"So Ronon and I are grabbing Chinese tonight," John says to Rodney in the lunchroom as he scarfs down a turkey sandwich. "Wanna come? I promise, no orange chicken."
"Can't," and the tips of Rodney's ears are pink. "I, uh, have a date."
"A date?" John suddenly has a hard time swallowing. "With a woman?"
Rodney shoots him a dirty look over the top of his blue jello cup. "Yes, with a woman, what's wrong with you?"
In the four years they've known each other and been best friends, the one subject they've never really discussed is their love lives. John doesn't talk about his feelings, period, and Rodney rarely dates anyone long enough to constitute a relationship. It's easier to keep things light, frothy even, to stick to tormenting Kavanagh and avoiding Elizabeth's wrath. Every time they accidentally mention something personal, one or both of them pay the price and their friendship becomes that much more unstable, like a radioactive isotope.
"Oh," says John, starting to shred napkins. "Well, have fun."
*
Elizabeth has tried to promote him several times. Once she even offered a substantial pay increase, but John likes working the front desk.
Well, actually that's a lie. No one likes working the front desk; it's mind-numbingly tedious. There are only two settings at reception - brain-melting boredom and frenzied call juggling. Still, John prefers that job to any other.
Mostly because it gives him the best view of Rodney McKay.
*
"We have an important potential client coming in tomorrow," Elizabeth announces. "His name is Acastus Kolya, and he works for the Genii Corporation. I want everyone on their best behavior!"
"What kind of a name is Kolya?" John asks, feeling like he's heard it somewhere before. He's been getting that feeling a lot lately.
"Sounds Russian," Rodney replies with a nervous edge to his voice; the Genii Corporation is well known for their hostile takeovers, so 'client' isn't the word so much as 'invader'.
Teyla asks if this Kolya person means to buy out the company, Radek Zelenka - one of the programmers who works with Rodney - panics about pensions, and Ronon just wants to know if there'll be cake.
"Okay, I'm sorry," says John, "but does this seem familiar to anyone else?"
Everyone stares at him.
"Familiar how?" Rodney asks eventually, cautiously, nervously.
Once, when John was in kindergarten, he accidentally told people he didn't believe in God. The looks he got back then were very similar to the ones he's getting now.
"Never mind," he says.
*
Samantha Carter has blonde hair, blue eyes, and no serious flaws that John can point out and ridicule. That's probably the hardest part.
"She's a genius," John, who's been kept awake by nightmares about aliens trying to eat him and is losing his mind, complains to Rodney, who rolls his eyes.
"So?"
"So, she's smarter than you! Doesn't that bother you?"
Rodney, who's been looking happier and thinner in the last few weeks, doesn't even come up with a decent retort. He just looks John in the eye and says:
"You know, she's got a friend."
*
Acastus Kolya of the Genii Corporation is tall, fat, and has a face that could stop a truck. He talks pretty, but John just has this itch to hit him with one of those viruses that would melt his hard drive. Kolya has plans and ideas bigger than his stomach. He gives a spiel about increasing productivity and revolutionizing the software industry while Evan Lorne in Sales rolls his eyes, Ronon and Teyla discuss possible lunch options, and Rodney pretends to snore with his head on John's shoulder.
It's the best day ever.
*
Elizabeth has a habit of trying to promote office unity by celebrating various holidays and employee birthdays. The process usually includes streamers, balloons, and Kavanagh locked in a closet, though that's more of an 'inside' tradition. When rumors of the merger abound, she decides it's time for a party.
"Is this what it's always like?" Chuck asks John when they stand together in the back of the room watching as Elizabeth leads the office in a chorus of 'Happy Birthday' while Ronon sits, stony-faced, and waits for his cue to blow out the candles.
Elizabeth likes Ronon, usually, but since he's not technically in her department, she has no real power over him - and she knows it. That tends to make her nervous. Ronon, for his part, treats Elizabeth like the annoying little sister he never wanted.
"No," replies John, staring; Rodney's got frosting on his nose. "Sometimes the cake's vanilla."
*
A woman named Chaya Sar who works at Staples often stops by the office with free samples. She's pretty, and charming, and interested, so John asks her out - but mostly because he just told Rodney that Samantha's on line five.
*
"I don't get you," Ronon says, stopping by the front desk, watching John's very involved game of Tetris.
John shrugs, hits enter, and says, "What's to get?"
"You're smart, smarter than you look anyway, you're charming when you want to be, and you seem okay with the fact that you're just a secretary. I don't get it."
John feels like Ronon poked him with a fork. "What's wrong with being a secretary?"
"Nothing," Ronon replies, completely unintimidated. "It's just that you could be a lot more."
"Well, I happen to like being a secretary." John knows he's a dirty rotten liar. He just can't help himself. He's gotten really good at denial.
Ronon stares. "Does this have anything to do with you being in love with McKay?"
*
Everyone knows Ronon and Teyla are sleeping together, but no one ever talks about it. Their hands brush in passing, and Teyla always comes out smiling after her mid-quarter review. Inter-office relationships are 'forbidden' under Elizabeth Weir's watch, but sometimes, when he's feeling particularly delusional or has just had a dream where he and Rodney went whale-watching underwater, John wonders if that rule might
only apply to heterosexual relationships.
Of course, when he wakes up, he realizes having an open relationship with the still-as-far-as-John-knows-completely-straight Rodney McKay would probably not go down well with their co-workers.
*
"Do you remember Michael?" John asks one day a few weeks after the New Year.
"Michael, 'The Wraith,' Michael? Our last office manager? Tall, pale, tried to suck the life out of this place?" Rodney's voice is full of scorn, but that's nothing unusual. "What made you think of him?"
"Oh, nothing." Just a dream. "I can't shake the feeling that we haven't seen the last of him..."
*
"So how long have you been seeing the Stapler Chick?" Lorne asks, and the other guys make those noises guys make when they think one of their own is getting laid. Apparently.
"Couple weeks," John replies, avoiding Ronon's eyes. Fortunately, Ronon's a man of few words, and 'revenge sex' isn't really in his vocabulary.
John's so busy avoiding Ronon's stare, that he completely misses the fact that Rodney's just poured hot coffee on his hand.
"Stapler Chick?" he croaks, and John's head snaps up.
"No need to be jealous, McKay," Lorne says, and John's heart starts to tap dance, "you've got a girl."
"I do?" Rodney actually looks confused, and for a moment, John feels bad for Samantha. He gets over it. "Oh, right, of course. Sheppard, could I talk to you for a moment?"
It's not really a question, so John allows himself to be dragged out of the breakroom and into the bathroom, where Rodney spends several minutes checking the stalls for bugs - and Kavanagh.
"Are you really seeing that woman from Staples?" he asks, though he keeps his back to John.
The fact that Rodney - who's been seeing a woman for months now - actually has the nerve to sound bothered by the idea of John with a social life infuriates him. It's none of his business.
"So what if I am? Don't tell me you're jealous, McKay. Samantha calls here everyday."
"I'm not jealous!" Rodney exclaims, and he starts to pace. "I just want to make sure you're being...safe."
John's not sure whether to laugh or smack Rodney upside the head. Is he actually threatening to give John a lecture on safe sex? If Rodney starts talking about condoms or birth control, then John really is going to hit him.
But he doesn't. He just looks at John like he's disappointed, and walks out of the bathroom into a crowd of waiting co-workers.
Of course, that night, John dreams of an ethereal woman named Chaya who Rodney hates, and she turns out to be some kind of energy-thing which leads to Rodney saying, I told you so, and then some kind of tentacle sex.
He's not sure how to interpret that one.
*
John's nemeses, Steve and Bob, work in the warehouse. They're not nice guys.
*
When Friday the 13th happens to coincide with a full moon, John spends the day pretending he's turning into a werewolf.
"I got bitten by a dog," he tells Lorne, when the salesman asks what happened to his hand. "One of those wolf-looking ones."
"Say," Lorne says as if it just occurs to him, "wasn't there a report about a wolf escaping from the zoo?"
They both somehow manage not to laugh when Kavanagh, leaning over to eavesdrop, falls out of his chair.
John wears his shirt open just below the collar, rolls up his sleeves, complains about the way his hamburger's cooked ('I asked for it raw!'), and leaves a copy of Teen Wolf on his desk.
"Research," he says, when Kavanagh asks, face pale.
Later, when John's getting coffee with Ronon in the break room he says, "I think I'm getting fleas."
Ronon just shrugs and replies, "It's possible."
Kavanagh starts checking the office for silver, and John leaves an internet search for metal-studded collars open on his desktop.
John's enjoying himself so much, that by the end of the day, he doesn't realize Kavanagh's not the only one who's been staring.
*
"Sheppard, I -"
John says, screw it, leans forward and kisses him, putting his hands where they belong. Rodney kisses back - but then he pulls away, looking confused and hurt. He stumbles against the vending machine.
"I can't," he says, still looking like he's been concussed. He licks his lips. "I won't."
*
After John accidentally tells Samantha that Rodney has an STD, he realizes that he's only got two choices: either Rodney's going to come to his senses, or John's going to have to find a new job.
He starts scanning the classifieds and breaks it off with Chaya. She's too high maintenance anyway and he can still taste Rodney on his lips.
*
"Please don't do it," John says, standing before Elizabeth's desk with his hair in even more disarray than usual. It's been a long week of sleepless nights, nightmares featuring Acastus Kolya in a starring role. John may never sleep again. Plus, then there's fact that Rodney isn't talking to him because of that whole kissing-STD fiasco, and now John kind of just wants to pack up and move to Alaska. He doesn't mind the cold.
"Don't do what?" Elizabeth replies without looking up from the contract she's scanning, bringing him back down to Earth.
"Don't get into bed with Kolya."
He's got her attention; she raises her head and just cocks an eyebrow. John, realizing how that sounds, hurries to correct himself. He really needs to get more sleep.
"I mean, don't go through with this merger. The Genii can't be trusted!"
"John, what are you talking about?" Elizabeth looks concerned, but John knows that look. That is the look Elizabeth Weir wears when she's talking to Kavanagh. He doesn't deserve that look, even if he is going insane.
"This is going to sound crazy - I can't really explain it. All I know is that Kolya's bad news."
Her smile is condescending, and that really pisses him off. He's trying to save the company. "John, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I think you should let me handle the business decisions. Don't worry, everything will be fine."
John's not convinced, but without Rodney's forceful personality to back him up, he backs off. He's warned her, there's not a lot else he can do. He's only the receptionist.
On his lunch break he has a flash of a face, a younger man with clever ideas and penchant for backstabbing. It restores his appetite.
Which is why, when news of young software engineer Ladon Radim's hostile takeover from within reaches Pegasus Software, Inc., John's the only one not all that surprised.
*
He is surprised, however, when one morning Rodney grabs him by the arm and drags him out into the hall. Rodney hasn't said two words to him in weeks.
"What's going on with you?" Rodney demands. Wow, five whole words. It must be his lucky day.
"I don't know what you mean," John replies; he recently had a dream where Rodney nearly died, and it still haunts him.
"Elizabeth told me you warned her off the Genii deal - said you just had a feeling." Rodney looks as if he suspects John of having precognitive abilities.
"I'm fine," John says, somewhat testily. This whole 'permanent state of deja vu' has not improved his mood. "So you can feel free to go back to ignoring me now."
"What are you talking about?" Rodney looks genuinely confused - but also guilty. "I haven't been ignoring you."
"Yes, you have," says John, and now he's staring at the truly ugly motel art on the walls so he doesn't have to look at Rodney. "Ever since I kissed you, which, you know, fine. I got the message. You're not interested. We're just friends."
Rodney's mouth falls open, and then it's like a cartoon lightbulb flashes on over his head.
"Oh, you are not actually that stupid," he growls. "Of course I'm interested in you. I've been interested in you since the moment I met you. I mean, you look like you walked out of one of those god-awful Abercrombie and Fitch catalogues. You've known me four years, do I usually let perfect strangers use my stapler?"
Either that's a double entendre or... "What about Samantha Carter?"
Rodney sighs. "I didn't know how to tell you...We were never dating. Samantha Carter is an old friend of mine from grad school. She started a software company out in Colorado Springs - Software, Gaming, Consoles - and she wants me to head up my own division. I said we were dating because I didn't want to tell you the truth. Truth is, she wouldn't date me if I were the last man on Earth."
John feels like the world's dropped out from under him. "You're moving?"
Rodney nods, miserably. "When you kissed me - part of me really wanted to - but I already agreed to take the job. I leave at the end of the week. I couldn't start something with you that I wouldn't be able to finish."
"Oh." John's quiet for a moment. "So where does that leave us?"
"Exactly where we were a minute ago except now you know I'm leaving."
And that, of course, is when their former office manager bursts in waving a gun.
*
"I don't belong here," Michael cries, alternately pointing the gun at John and Rodney whose hands are in the air, "and I don't belong in Corporate! I'm a man without a home!"
"Um, okay?" says Rodney. "What did you want us to do about it?"
Michael stares. "I...don't know."
"Then could you please take that gun out of my face?" Rodney demands. "I think you gave me a heart attack. Geez."
Then John does something completely unexpected - he grabs Michael's wrist, twists it, pulls the gun out of his hand and discharges the clip so it clatters to the floor.
"Ow," says Michael, rubbing his wrist. "Was that really necessary?"
Rodney stares at John. "Sheppard? Hello? Are you in there?"
John rubs his eyes, and suddenly everything about the last several months makes sense. He feels like he's just had a load of cotton wool removed from his head, just recovered from amnesia, just woke up from anesthesia.
"Yeah," he says. "I finally am. And this, this is Game Over."
Everything goes dark.
*
Zelenka apologizes later, for a multitude of things (including, John thinks, something the Czech Republic did to the United States in the mid 90s), but John tells him it was an accident, it could have happened to any of them, and at least there was no permanent damage.
Except, perhaps, to his relationship with Rodney.
Once he finally extricated himself from what Zelenka referred to as "a giant swirling vortex," by eventually recognizing that virtual reality for what it was, John woke up on the floor of one of the newly-explored rooms on the east side of the city, along with Ronon, Teyla, and Rodney.
They were all, of course, naked.
Each of them saw something different, locked in some kind of virtual game inspired by a past experience. John had subbed as a receptionist one summer just out of high school - it was kind of amazing that the vortex could build a world so complex out of such a short time. Of course, each 'world' was modeled off of their real one, which explained why so many people crossed over.
Or something like that. John kind of stops listening to Zelenka explain when it becomes clear that Rodney's having a silent freak out.
Unfortunately, before he can find out what's the matter, Elizabeth orders him to see Heightmeyer because he's having a minor freakout of his own.
"The room is apparently designed to draw out your subconscious fears or desires," Heightmeyer tells him. "So you can face them."
"So I'm afraid of becoming a secretary?" John asks. "Or I want to become one?"
"What else did you see?" she asks. "What were you experiencing?"
"Well...I guess there was this thing about Samantha Carter and Rodney...do you think that has anything to do with this?" Heightmeyer doesn't answer. "Like, I'm afraid Colonel Carter's going to come here and take Rodney away?"
Heightmeyer smiles. "I think you just answered your own question."
They have this sort of Romeo and Juliet thing, where they seem drawn to the balconies for scenes of dramatic tension. John corners him out there, staring out at the water, and Rodney doesn't turn, doesn't try to run away, just sighs as the breeze ruffles his hair.
"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours," John says, leaning on the railing. Jealousy. That's what the room showed him, and that's what he's supposed to face.
Rodney doesn't respond right away. Then he says: "I'm not a stupid man. We both know that. So I should have figured it out, right away."
"You're beating yourself up over that?" says John, who expected something much worse. "Come on, Rodney, it was a virtual reality. It happens. No harm done."
But Rodney's shaking his head. "I didn't figure it out, because-" deep breath, "-because I wanted it to be real."
And John's pretty sure he doesn't want to know, but that doesn't stop him from saying, "What, married to Colonel Carter with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence? Nobel Prize and a mansion in Canada?"
"No." Rodney seems to be steeling himself for something. "As a matter of fact, I was dating you."
When John doesn't say anything, he adds, "It was nice. It was homey. We were all a family, really, back on Earth. There was no danger, I was closer to Jeannie and her kids...we even had a dog."
The way he says 'we,' like it's the most natural thing in the world, sends a tingle down John's spine.
"But I should have known it wasn't real," Rodney continues, and John recognizes his babble for babble's sake. "I mean, you would never -"
Suddenly, it dawns on John what's been bothering him and he realizes that in any reality, one or both of them was going to get in their own way. "Oh, you are not actually that stupid."
Before Rodney can say another word, John's taken his face in his hands and kisses him. It's familiar and strange at the same time. It electrifies, and John can taste fear, excitement, anxiety, all at once.
"You can always use my stapler," he tells Rodney when they pull apart, though John still cradles Rodney's face in his hands.
"What?" Rodney replies, looking a bit dazed.
"Never mind."
And John kisses him again. This time, no one bursts in with a gun.
**
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Poll Vote for this story
Author: icantfollow ( interview)
Team: Romance
Prompt: Déjà vu
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard (minor Teyla/Ronon)
Rating: PG13
Warnings: None
Summary: John Sheppard is the receptionist for Pegasus Software, Inc. and Rodney McKay's their top computer programmer. They've been best friends for years, causing as much mayhem in the office as they dare under the watchful eye of regional manager Elizabeth Weir. Lately, though, John's been having these strange dreams about something called the Stargate Program and even stranger feelings for Rodney...
Once you've read the story, please take a moment to vote in the poll below. Ratings go from 1 (low) to 9 (high), so all you need to do is enter a single number in that range into each text entry box. You'll be able to see the Prompt and Team (Genre) information in the header above.
More details about the voting procedure can be found here.
**
"Good morning, Pegasus Software, Inc. This is John."
Rodney McKay, senior computer programmer and resident loudmouth, is making faces at him from across the room. John retorts by sticking out his tongue while at the same time managing to say, "One moment please," though it sounds more like, "Un 'o'ent, pwease."
They both crack up. Mature, they are not.
Such is a typical morning at the office. Ronon Dex, from Human Resources, pauses by Rodney's desk and just stares - but Ronon's stare could shut down a frat party, so Rodney sobers immediately. John shrugs, tries not to smile, and answers the phone, "Good morning, Pegasus Software, Inc. This is John."
Kavanagh, a pissant software engineer who's usurped a cubicle in the middle of the office, much to John and Rodney's displeasure, comes in late, looking harried and red-faced.
"I'm here, I'm here!" he shouts, sliding into his desk chair with toilet paper trailing from his shoe and his fly undone. There's even spots of shampoo still in his hair.
"Psst, McKay," John whispers over the intercom.
"I set his special digital watch with optional alarm clock back an hour yesterday," Rodney replies, knowing what John is asking without actually asking. "Now go away, Sheppard, I'm busy."
Rodney returns to his very important game of solitaire, just as Kavanagh, who has leaned over to get something from his desk, yanks on the drawer and goes flying out of his chair, crashing down with all his paperwork swirling around him. Rodney pages the front desk.
"I glued all the drawers of his desk shut," John says, answering the phone.
Rodney hangs up with a grin on his face.
*
Teyla Emmagen from Accounting doesn't approve of their 'antics,' but she's not really a bad sort. Once John even caught her re-labeling all the cartons in the fridge marked, 'Kavanagh's - Do Not Touch' with mailing labels for Tanzania.
When he asks her about it, all she says is, "There are starving children in Africa, John."
*
Regional Manager Elizabeth Weir comes in at ten a.m. sharp and stops first at the front desk for her messages. She's a woman in a man's world, but John pities the man who tries to tell her that.
Part of the reason he thinks she's so good is that she keeps to a strict routine. Even though she doesn't come into the Atlanta office until ten, she's been up since six fielding her own phone calls and talking to potential buyers.
"Good morning, John," she says. "Messages?"
"You got two calls from IOA Insurance," John replies while simultaneously filing the letters she hands him, "and one from a group calling themselves 'The Trust'."
"Hm," is all she says. From the perfect cut of her suit to the tips of her Manolo Blahniks, she's the ideal professional. The only thing that could stand improvement, in the office's opinion, is her hair. "Did they leave a number?"
"No, they said they'd call back later."
"Hm," she says again. "Let me know as soon as they do, even if I'm in a meeting."
Then she disappears into her office and won't be seen again for several hours. John signals to Rodney over the top of his computer and sets the automated voicemail system.
"So last night, I had this crazy dream," John says in the break room as he pours Rodney's mug of Colombian Select.
"All of your dreams are crazy, Sheppard," Rodney replies, rolling his eyes. "Don't you remember that one the time you dreamt you were being chased by a giant stapler and then got three-hole punched to death?"
"Yeah, but this was different. This one felt real."
They sit down at the table and Rodney inhales the aroma of his coffee. John's taken out a PDA and starts typing in his schedule while he talks.
"You were a scientist and I was an Air Force Colonel, and we were traveling around outerspace using these things called 'stargates'. We met aliens and visited strange planets - it was very cool."
Rodney pauses, mid-sip, and his eyes widen slightly. "You were dreaming about me?"
John shakes his head, hoping to shrug this accidental revelation off. "Focus, McKay. Does that seem at all familiar to you? I can't shake the feeling that...I don't know, maybe it's all real."
"Okay, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Rodney checks his watch and, with obvious regret, pours the remainder of his coffee down the drain. "There's no such things as aliens and you don't work for the Air Force. You're a secretary."
"Receptionist."
"Whatever." Rodney looks at him like maybe he's gone insane in the last five minutes. "You don't really believe in any of that garbage, do you? Extraterrestrials, life on Mars? Come on, we've got to get back to work."
*
"Who am I having lunch with, John?" Elizabeth asks, emerging from her office like a bear from its cave.
John checks the schedule and feels an odd chill, which he ignores. "Caldwell, from the U.S. Air Force. He wants to talk about the new firewall we've developed."
"Right, thanks." And she's gone, just like that. Pretty easy woman to work for, and a hell of a lot better then the idiot who came before her.
The phone rings again. "Good afternoon, Pegasus Software, Inc. This is John."
A pleasant female voice says on the other end, "Rodney McKay, please."
Rodney hardly ever gets phone calls. "May I ask who's calling?"
"Samantha Carter."
John puts her on hold, then pages Rodney. "Hey, McKay, there's some chick on the line for you, says her name's Samantha Carter. Want me to put it to voicemail?"
Rodney's head snaps up so fast, John's sure he heard his neck break. "Put her on."
"What? You never take personal calls at work." Even Rodney's sister is put directly to voicemail.
"Well, I'm making an exception - put her on."
John transfers the call, and watches a smile spread over Rodney's face. He has to resist the impulse to eavesdrop - or smash something. It just figures. Four years, and he thought they were finally on the same page.
Clearly, they're not even reading the same book.
*
Rodney doesn't notice that John is glowering at him; he probably wouldn't understand even if he did. For a man who's studied binary as a second language, he's really, really thick.
*
Chuck Campbell is the new office temp, and John, as the previous holder of that title, feels some sage advice is in order.
"That copier," says John, pointing, "is just for the accountants. Teyla will kick your ass if you use even an ounce of toner."
"Copier off-limits - check," says Chuck. He claps John on the shoulder. "You know, I appreciate it, but I think I can handle myself. It's not like the fate of the universe rests in our hands or anything."
"Don't mind him," Rodney calls out, no longer on the phone, "he's just jealous because now he has competition. He was voted 'Hottest in the Office' last year."
"Says the man who stuffed the ballot box," John retorts.
Rodney only grins, and goes back to his programming. Chuck shoots John a sympathetic look, but doesn't quite meet his eyes after that.
John, flushing bright red, wonders what it would take to plant Rodney's fingerprints on Teyla's copier.
*
Kavanagh is a brown-noser, and a whistle-blower, and a general pain in the ass, but he's still a human being, so sometimes - once in a while - John feels guilty for the things he does.
But not the time with the wet paint sign on the men's bathroom door.
Because that one made Rodney laugh for a week.
*
"So Ronon and I are grabbing Chinese tonight," John says to Rodney in the lunchroom as he scarfs down a turkey sandwich. "Wanna come? I promise, no orange chicken."
"Can't," and the tips of Rodney's ears are pink. "I, uh, have a date."
"A date?" John suddenly has a hard time swallowing. "With a woman?"
Rodney shoots him a dirty look over the top of his blue jello cup. "Yes, with a woman, what's wrong with you?"
In the four years they've known each other and been best friends, the one subject they've never really discussed is their love lives. John doesn't talk about his feelings, period, and Rodney rarely dates anyone long enough to constitute a relationship. It's easier to keep things light, frothy even, to stick to tormenting Kavanagh and avoiding Elizabeth's wrath. Every time they accidentally mention something personal, one or both of them pay the price and their friendship becomes that much more unstable, like a radioactive isotope.
"Oh," says John, starting to shred napkins. "Well, have fun."
*
Elizabeth has tried to promote him several times. Once she even offered a substantial pay increase, but John likes working the front desk.
Well, actually that's a lie. No one likes working the front desk; it's mind-numbingly tedious. There are only two settings at reception - brain-melting boredom and frenzied call juggling. Still, John prefers that job to any other.
Mostly because it gives him the best view of Rodney McKay.
*
"We have an important potential client coming in tomorrow," Elizabeth announces. "His name is Acastus Kolya, and he works for the Genii Corporation. I want everyone on their best behavior!"
"What kind of a name is Kolya?" John asks, feeling like he's heard it somewhere before. He's been getting that feeling a lot lately.
"Sounds Russian," Rodney replies with a nervous edge to his voice; the Genii Corporation is well known for their hostile takeovers, so 'client' isn't the word so much as 'invader'.
Teyla asks if this Kolya person means to buy out the company, Radek Zelenka - one of the programmers who works with Rodney - panics about pensions, and Ronon just wants to know if there'll be cake.
"Okay, I'm sorry," says John, "but does this seem familiar to anyone else?"
Everyone stares at him.
"Familiar how?" Rodney asks eventually, cautiously, nervously.
Once, when John was in kindergarten, he accidentally told people he didn't believe in God. The looks he got back then were very similar to the ones he's getting now.
"Never mind," he says.
*
Samantha Carter has blonde hair, blue eyes, and no serious flaws that John can point out and ridicule. That's probably the hardest part.
"She's a genius," John, who's been kept awake by nightmares about aliens trying to eat him and is losing his mind, complains to Rodney, who rolls his eyes.
"So?"
"So, she's smarter than you! Doesn't that bother you?"
Rodney, who's been looking happier and thinner in the last few weeks, doesn't even come up with a decent retort. He just looks John in the eye and says:
"You know, she's got a friend."
*
Acastus Kolya of the Genii Corporation is tall, fat, and has a face that could stop a truck. He talks pretty, but John just has this itch to hit him with one of those viruses that would melt his hard drive. Kolya has plans and ideas bigger than his stomach. He gives a spiel about increasing productivity and revolutionizing the software industry while Evan Lorne in Sales rolls his eyes, Ronon and Teyla discuss possible lunch options, and Rodney pretends to snore with his head on John's shoulder.
It's the best day ever.
*
Elizabeth has a habit of trying to promote office unity by celebrating various holidays and employee birthdays. The process usually includes streamers, balloons, and Kavanagh locked in a closet, though that's more of an 'inside' tradition. When rumors of the merger abound, she decides it's time for a party.
"Is this what it's always like?" Chuck asks John when they stand together in the back of the room watching as Elizabeth leads the office in a chorus of 'Happy Birthday' while Ronon sits, stony-faced, and waits for his cue to blow out the candles.
Elizabeth likes Ronon, usually, but since he's not technically in her department, she has no real power over him - and she knows it. That tends to make her nervous. Ronon, for his part, treats Elizabeth like the annoying little sister he never wanted.
"No," replies John, staring; Rodney's got frosting on his nose. "Sometimes the cake's vanilla."
*
A woman named Chaya Sar who works at Staples often stops by the office with free samples. She's pretty, and charming, and interested, so John asks her out - but mostly because he just told Rodney that Samantha's on line five.
*
"I don't get you," Ronon says, stopping by the front desk, watching John's very involved game of Tetris.
John shrugs, hits enter, and says, "What's to get?"
"You're smart, smarter than you look anyway, you're charming when you want to be, and you seem okay with the fact that you're just a secretary. I don't get it."
John feels like Ronon poked him with a fork. "What's wrong with being a secretary?"
"Nothing," Ronon replies, completely unintimidated. "It's just that you could be a lot more."
"Well, I happen to like being a secretary." John knows he's a dirty rotten liar. He just can't help himself. He's gotten really good at denial.
Ronon stares. "Does this have anything to do with you being in love with McKay?"
*
Everyone knows Ronon and Teyla are sleeping together, but no one ever talks about it. Their hands brush in passing, and Teyla always comes out smiling after her mid-quarter review. Inter-office relationships are 'forbidden' under Elizabeth Weir's watch, but sometimes, when he's feeling particularly delusional or has just had a dream where he and Rodney went whale-watching underwater, John wonders if that rule might
only apply to heterosexual relationships.
Of course, when he wakes up, he realizes having an open relationship with the still-as-far-as-John-knows-completely-straight Rodney McKay would probably not go down well with their co-workers.
*
"Do you remember Michael?" John asks one day a few weeks after the New Year.
"Michael, 'The Wraith,' Michael? Our last office manager? Tall, pale, tried to suck the life out of this place?" Rodney's voice is full of scorn, but that's nothing unusual. "What made you think of him?"
"Oh, nothing." Just a dream. "I can't shake the feeling that we haven't seen the last of him..."
*
"So how long have you been seeing the Stapler Chick?" Lorne asks, and the other guys make those noises guys make when they think one of their own is getting laid. Apparently.
"Couple weeks," John replies, avoiding Ronon's eyes. Fortunately, Ronon's a man of few words, and 'revenge sex' isn't really in his vocabulary.
John's so busy avoiding Ronon's stare, that he completely misses the fact that Rodney's just poured hot coffee on his hand.
"Stapler Chick?" he croaks, and John's head snaps up.
"No need to be jealous, McKay," Lorne says, and John's heart starts to tap dance, "you've got a girl."
"I do?" Rodney actually looks confused, and for a moment, John feels bad for Samantha. He gets over it. "Oh, right, of course. Sheppard, could I talk to you for a moment?"
It's not really a question, so John allows himself to be dragged out of the breakroom and into the bathroom, where Rodney spends several minutes checking the stalls for bugs - and Kavanagh.
"Are you really seeing that woman from Staples?" he asks, though he keeps his back to John.
The fact that Rodney - who's been seeing a woman for months now - actually has the nerve to sound bothered by the idea of John with a social life infuriates him. It's none of his business.
"So what if I am? Don't tell me you're jealous, McKay. Samantha calls here everyday."
"I'm not jealous!" Rodney exclaims, and he starts to pace. "I just want to make sure you're being...safe."
John's not sure whether to laugh or smack Rodney upside the head. Is he actually threatening to give John a lecture on safe sex? If Rodney starts talking about condoms or birth control, then John really is going to hit him.
But he doesn't. He just looks at John like he's disappointed, and walks out of the bathroom into a crowd of waiting co-workers.
Of course, that night, John dreams of an ethereal woman named Chaya who Rodney hates, and she turns out to be some kind of energy-thing which leads to Rodney saying, I told you so, and then some kind of tentacle sex.
He's not sure how to interpret that one.
*
John's nemeses, Steve and Bob, work in the warehouse. They're not nice guys.
*
When Friday the 13th happens to coincide with a full moon, John spends the day pretending he's turning into a werewolf.
"I got bitten by a dog," he tells Lorne, when the salesman asks what happened to his hand. "One of those wolf-looking ones."
"Say," Lorne says as if it just occurs to him, "wasn't there a report about a wolf escaping from the zoo?"
They both somehow manage not to laugh when Kavanagh, leaning over to eavesdrop, falls out of his chair.
John wears his shirt open just below the collar, rolls up his sleeves, complains about the way his hamburger's cooked ('I asked for it raw!'), and leaves a copy of Teen Wolf on his desk.
"Research," he says, when Kavanagh asks, face pale.
Later, when John's getting coffee with Ronon in the break room he says, "I think I'm getting fleas."
Ronon just shrugs and replies, "It's possible."
Kavanagh starts checking the office for silver, and John leaves an internet search for metal-studded collars open on his desktop.
John's enjoying himself so much, that by the end of the day, he doesn't realize Kavanagh's not the only one who's been staring.
*
"Sheppard, I -"
John says, screw it, leans forward and kisses him, putting his hands where they belong. Rodney kisses back - but then he pulls away, looking confused and hurt. He stumbles against the vending machine.
"I can't," he says, still looking like he's been concussed. He licks his lips. "I won't."
*
After John accidentally tells Samantha that Rodney has an STD, he realizes that he's only got two choices: either Rodney's going to come to his senses, or John's going to have to find a new job.
He starts scanning the classifieds and breaks it off with Chaya. She's too high maintenance anyway and he can still taste Rodney on his lips.
*
"Please don't do it," John says, standing before Elizabeth's desk with his hair in even more disarray than usual. It's been a long week of sleepless nights, nightmares featuring Acastus Kolya in a starring role. John may never sleep again. Plus, then there's fact that Rodney isn't talking to him because of that whole kissing-STD fiasco, and now John kind of just wants to pack up and move to Alaska. He doesn't mind the cold.
"Don't do what?" Elizabeth replies without looking up from the contract she's scanning, bringing him back down to Earth.
"Don't get into bed with Kolya."
He's got her attention; she raises her head and just cocks an eyebrow. John, realizing how that sounds, hurries to correct himself. He really needs to get more sleep.
"I mean, don't go through with this merger. The Genii can't be trusted!"
"John, what are you talking about?" Elizabeth looks concerned, but John knows that look. That is the look Elizabeth Weir wears when she's talking to Kavanagh. He doesn't deserve that look, even if he is going insane.
"This is going to sound crazy - I can't really explain it. All I know is that Kolya's bad news."
Her smile is condescending, and that really pisses him off. He's trying to save the company. "John, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I think you should let me handle the business decisions. Don't worry, everything will be fine."
John's not convinced, but without Rodney's forceful personality to back him up, he backs off. He's warned her, there's not a lot else he can do. He's only the receptionist.
On his lunch break he has a flash of a face, a younger man with clever ideas and penchant for backstabbing. It restores his appetite.
Which is why, when news of young software engineer Ladon Radim's hostile takeover from within reaches Pegasus Software, Inc., John's the only one not all that surprised.
*
He is surprised, however, when one morning Rodney grabs him by the arm and drags him out into the hall. Rodney hasn't said two words to him in weeks.
"What's going on with you?" Rodney demands. Wow, five whole words. It must be his lucky day.
"I don't know what you mean," John replies; he recently had a dream where Rodney nearly died, and it still haunts him.
"Elizabeth told me you warned her off the Genii deal - said you just had a feeling." Rodney looks as if he suspects John of having precognitive abilities.
"I'm fine," John says, somewhat testily. This whole 'permanent state of deja vu' has not improved his mood. "So you can feel free to go back to ignoring me now."
"What are you talking about?" Rodney looks genuinely confused - but also guilty. "I haven't been ignoring you."
"Yes, you have," says John, and now he's staring at the truly ugly motel art on the walls so he doesn't have to look at Rodney. "Ever since I kissed you, which, you know, fine. I got the message. You're not interested. We're just friends."
Rodney's mouth falls open, and then it's like a cartoon lightbulb flashes on over his head.
"Oh, you are not actually that stupid," he growls. "Of course I'm interested in you. I've been interested in you since the moment I met you. I mean, you look like you walked out of one of those god-awful Abercrombie and Fitch catalogues. You've known me four years, do I usually let perfect strangers use my stapler?"
Either that's a double entendre or... "What about Samantha Carter?"
Rodney sighs. "I didn't know how to tell you...We were never dating. Samantha Carter is an old friend of mine from grad school. She started a software company out in Colorado Springs - Software, Gaming, Consoles - and she wants me to head up my own division. I said we were dating because I didn't want to tell you the truth. Truth is, she wouldn't date me if I were the last man on Earth."
John feels like the world's dropped out from under him. "You're moving?"
Rodney nods, miserably. "When you kissed me - part of me really wanted to - but I already agreed to take the job. I leave at the end of the week. I couldn't start something with you that I wouldn't be able to finish."
"Oh." John's quiet for a moment. "So where does that leave us?"
"Exactly where we were a minute ago except now you know I'm leaving."
And that, of course, is when their former office manager bursts in waving a gun.
*
"I don't belong here," Michael cries, alternately pointing the gun at John and Rodney whose hands are in the air, "and I don't belong in Corporate! I'm a man without a home!"
"Um, okay?" says Rodney. "What did you want us to do about it?"
Michael stares. "I...don't know."
"Then could you please take that gun out of my face?" Rodney demands. "I think you gave me a heart attack. Geez."
Then John does something completely unexpected - he grabs Michael's wrist, twists it, pulls the gun out of his hand and discharges the clip so it clatters to the floor.
"Ow," says Michael, rubbing his wrist. "Was that really necessary?"
Rodney stares at John. "Sheppard? Hello? Are you in there?"
John rubs his eyes, and suddenly everything about the last several months makes sense. He feels like he's just had a load of cotton wool removed from his head, just recovered from amnesia, just woke up from anesthesia.
"Yeah," he says. "I finally am. And this, this is Game Over."
Everything goes dark.
*
Zelenka apologizes later, for a multitude of things (including, John thinks, something the Czech Republic did to the United States in the mid 90s), but John tells him it was an accident, it could have happened to any of them, and at least there was no permanent damage.
Except, perhaps, to his relationship with Rodney.
Once he finally extricated himself from what Zelenka referred to as "a giant swirling vortex," by eventually recognizing that virtual reality for what it was, John woke up on the floor of one of the newly-explored rooms on the east side of the city, along with Ronon, Teyla, and Rodney.
They were all, of course, naked.
Each of them saw something different, locked in some kind of virtual game inspired by a past experience. John had subbed as a receptionist one summer just out of high school - it was kind of amazing that the vortex could build a world so complex out of such a short time. Of course, each 'world' was modeled off of their real one, which explained why so many people crossed over.
Or something like that. John kind of stops listening to Zelenka explain when it becomes clear that Rodney's having a silent freak out.
Unfortunately, before he can find out what's the matter, Elizabeth orders him to see Heightmeyer because he's having a minor freakout of his own.
"The room is apparently designed to draw out your subconscious fears or desires," Heightmeyer tells him. "So you can face them."
"So I'm afraid of becoming a secretary?" John asks. "Or I want to become one?"
"What else did you see?" she asks. "What were you experiencing?"
"Well...I guess there was this thing about Samantha Carter and Rodney...do you think that has anything to do with this?" Heightmeyer doesn't answer. "Like, I'm afraid Colonel Carter's going to come here and take Rodney away?"
Heightmeyer smiles. "I think you just answered your own question."
They have this sort of Romeo and Juliet thing, where they seem drawn to the balconies for scenes of dramatic tension. John corners him out there, staring out at the water, and Rodney doesn't turn, doesn't try to run away, just sighs as the breeze ruffles his hair.
"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours," John says, leaning on the railing. Jealousy. That's what the room showed him, and that's what he's supposed to face.
Rodney doesn't respond right away. Then he says: "I'm not a stupid man. We both know that. So I should have figured it out, right away."
"You're beating yourself up over that?" says John, who expected something much worse. "Come on, Rodney, it was a virtual reality. It happens. No harm done."
But Rodney's shaking his head. "I didn't figure it out, because-" deep breath, "-because I wanted it to be real."
And John's pretty sure he doesn't want to know, but that doesn't stop him from saying, "What, married to Colonel Carter with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence? Nobel Prize and a mansion in Canada?"
"No." Rodney seems to be steeling himself for something. "As a matter of fact, I was dating you."
When John doesn't say anything, he adds, "It was nice. It was homey. We were all a family, really, back on Earth. There was no danger, I was closer to Jeannie and her kids...we even had a dog."
The way he says 'we,' like it's the most natural thing in the world, sends a tingle down John's spine.
"But I should have known it wasn't real," Rodney continues, and John recognizes his babble for babble's sake. "I mean, you would never -"
Suddenly, it dawns on John what's been bothering him and he realizes that in any reality, one or both of them was going to get in their own way. "Oh, you are not actually that stupid."
Before Rodney can say another word, John's taken his face in his hands and kisses him. It's familiar and strange at the same time. It electrifies, and John can taste fear, excitement, anxiety, all at once.
"You can always use my stapler," he tells Rodney when they pull apart, though John still cradles Rodney's face in his hands.
"What?" Rodney replies, looking a bit dazed.
"Never mind."
And John kisses him again. This time, no one bursts in with a gun.
**
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