'So much to lose, so much more to gain' for wondering_why_i
Merry Christmas, wondering_why_i!
Title: So much to lose, so much more to gain.
Author: ???
Rating: PG-15
Pairing: Judd/Jones
Word count: 1927
Summary: It all just starts out as a bit of fun…
A/N: This isn’t quite as fluffy as it started out in my mind, but then the boys just got carried away with being a bit angsty and arguing in my head and this was the outcome. I hope you like it anyways and I hope you have a lovely Christmas!
He wasn’t entirely sure when this thing - which was neither just sex nor an actual relationship had started. It was years ago really, drunken fumbles when they were both too horny to sleep but too intoxicated to entertain woman, meaningless kisses to wind Tom up, stupid flirting in front of the cameras - all off which was supposed to mean nothing to either of them. For a long time it didn’t but eventually Danny came to realise he just didn’t care about pulling women the way he used to and instead found himself craving Harry’s touch not just when he’d drank too much, but on sober nights as well. It was on these nights that he would lie in bed and try to think of an excuse - any excuse to pick up the phone and ask Harry to come and join him. Usually he didn’t call the other man, but rather fell into a restless sleep which replayed visions of blue eyes, messy brown hair and calloused hands back to him all night.
For a while he fought the idea that the could possibly feel more for his band mate than just friendship and maybe a little sexual attraction, but ultimately he couldn’t deny the tingling in his stomach when the drummer smiled his way or pushed stray hairs away from his forehead or kissed down his freckly skin from earlobe to collar bone. In the end Danny had to admit this was something more, something which felt strangely like love - though he wasn’t an expert on the matter by any means. It was months before he finally, with hands shaking slightly, plucked up the courage to tell his friend or lover or whatever how he felt.
It had been a cold autumn morning after the last date of tour when he blurted it out - they’d spent the morning having slow, exhausted but amazing sex when the words just slipped passed his lips. It wasn’t anything elaborate just a simple ‘I think I’m in love with you Harry’ whispered into the other mans hair, but it was enough. In an instant the drummer was sat bolt upright in bed, startled and naked and vulnerable. He processed the words for what felt like a life time to Danny before starting to pull on clothes, any clothes - his t-shirt, Danny’s jeans and odd socks while Danny just lay there in exactly the same position, heart slowly sinking. And then Harry was gone, leaving the guitarist to sit and mentally kick himself over and over.
--
Things were awkward after that, so awkward that neither man could look the other in the face and it didn’t take long for Tom or Dougie to realise they wouldn’t get an explanation no matter how many times they asked what had happened. Harry was only ever around when he had to be, when the band needed him. For months there were no trips to the pub, no movie nights at Tom’s… nothing. It was only when Harry missed practice completely on four consecutive days that Danny decided enough was enough. They were in a fucking band, they needed to sort this out and figure out how to function together again because if they didn’t things would be ruined completely, not just for the two of them, but for Dougie and Tom as well.
It was with that thought in his mind that he left the studio and headed over to the house that he hadn’t seen since that morning. It was quiet when he got there, the blinds shut and no signs of life, but Harry’s car was in the drive so he knocked and waited. He hadn’t really expected an answer and when one didn’t come he wasted no time in slipping a hand under the door matt to retrieve the key he knew was hidden there. It slipped easily into the lock but inside the house was just as silent.
“Harry? Harry are you here?”
There was no answer, but again Danny hadn’t expected one. Slowly he made his way through the house which, quite uncharacteristically was a complete mess and when he realised Harry definitely wasn’t downstairs he made his way up to the second floor, heart lurching unpleasantly. Danny wasn’t sure that he could cope with finding Harry in bed with a woman, or worse still another man.
His mind had already formulated a far too detailed depiction of what he could find behind the closed door of Harry’s bedroom but when he pushed it open the sight inside hadn’t been what he was expecting. There were a few similarities to the vision his over active imagination had provided - Harry was half naked on the bed, sheets rumpled around him and sweat covering his brow, but thankfully he was very much alone and looking so unwell it made Danny’s stomach clench.
“You look like shit” Danny said causing the drummers head to snap up in surprise, his eyes locking for a second with blue counterparts.
“I feel like it” was the scratchy reply.
Within minutes Danny had crossed the room, rearranged Harry into a more comfortable position, stripped off the drenched bed sheets, refilled the glass from the beside table with water, found a packet of nurofen and dampened a flannel to wipe across the brunettes feverish brow. Nothing was said for a long time as Danny fussed and took control of the situation whilst Harry sat feeling marginally better than he had before his band mate’s intrusion. It was only once all the movement stopped that the two men finally had to deal with the situation - they were together, alone, for the first time in months. Danny couldn’t decide if he wanted to scream and shout at the other man, or bundle him up in his arms and never let go.
“Why are you doing all this Dan?” the question was a small, feeble almost.
“I came over because I thought your texts to Tom about being sick had been an excuse. I came over because I thought it was about time we sorted this mess between us out.”
“Why did you stay? Why didn’t you just leave once you saw that I was in fact dying?”
“You’re so melodramatic, it’s only the flu. And I’ve stayed because I care. And because we still need to sort things out - it’s not fair to carry on like this, not on me or you or Tom or Dougie… none of its fair.” Silence lingered after Danny’s words whilst the ailing man beside him contemplated them, trying desperately to thing of something, anything to say that could even begin to explain his actions.
In the end Harry just decided to tell the truth.
“I shouldn’t have left you that morning Dan. I regretted it straight away but I couldn’t come back… Love just fucks things up. And we can’t fuck this up - this is bigger than me and you, it’s not just our futures that would be a mess if things went wrong between us. There are the others to think about, we can’t risk it, we can’t risk the band.”
“Can’t you see that things are already fucked up? You never even gave it - us, a proper thought and everything is a mess anyway.” Danny’s voice was close to breaking and so was his resolve because it hurt too much to sit and discuss things when all he wanted to do was kiss Harry and take away the drummer’s pain, as well as his own.
“You think I haven’t thought about it? Danny it’s all I’ve fucking thought about since those words left your mouth. But that is exactly my point, if things are like this and barely anything has happened…” Danny’s expression changed so quickly from hurt to anger that the rest of Harry’s sentence died in his throat.
“Barely anything has happened? Yeah me falling in love is barely anything…” he shook his head, trying for a moment to clear it before deciding to just walk away, it was too painful to sit there and listen to Harry dismiss his feelings. He stood and was about to move away from the bed when fingers wrapped around his wrist, pulling him back.
“Danny… Dan please don’t go.”
“I can’t stay and listen to you talk about this like its no big deal. I love you Harry okay? I fucking love you. And you don’t seem to give a shit.” The words we broken as the lump rose in Danny’s throat, but he was past caring. He thought he could do this, he thought he could come and salvage their friendship, but it was just too hard.
“You think I don’t give a shit? You think I don’t feel exactly the fucking same? Of course I love you too. If I didn’t this would be easy. If I didn’t then it wouldn’t kill me to see you every day and not kiss you… I’m just trying to do what is best for us all, what is right and sensible.”
“Fuck what’s right and sensible. Fuck Tom and Dougie. Fuck the band. I don’t care about any of that right now, because I can’t focus on any of it anyway, not when it feels like someone is kicking me in the gut every time you walk into the room.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I can’t do this any more. If you love me but you’re not willing to even give us a chance then I can’t carry on acting like nothing ever happened.” There was a pause, a long silent moment which stretched endlessly between the two men until eventually Harry shook his head, tears finally falling loose from his eyes.
“I’m scared Danny.”
“What of?”
“If I lose you, then I lose it all. My career, my best friends, my lover… everything. Too much is at stake.”
“And what if you don’t lose me? What if this is exactly what we’ve both spent the last however many years looking for? What if we give this a chance and it’s the best fucking thing to happen to either of us?” The speech was punctuated by freckled hand running through spiky brown hair, along a stubbled jaw before coming to rest against a beating heart.
“I love you Harry. We can make this work.” There was a nod, barely a movement, but it was enough and then they were kissing, all tongue and breathe and lips. It didn’t matter that Harry was probably contagious, it didn’t matter that they both had tears in their eyes - all that mattered was just how right it felt.
--
Looking back on that afternoon two months later Danny could barely believe how much had changed. They came out to Tom and Dougie the very next day deciding that they needed to know. No one else did, not right then at least and so they kept all the kisses and touches and whispered words for behind closed doors.
It was everything Danny had thought it could be, plus so much more besides. One night when they were lay together beneath the duvet, cuddled so close for warmth and protection against the cool December air Harry turned to him and smiled and it made those months of heartache seem worthwhile, because now they both knew what they had to lose.
“Kiss me.” Was whispered by the drummer, and his lover didn’t hesitate before joining their lips in a searing, passionate yet loving embrace. It was exciting, it was firey, it was tender, it was perfect.
Title: So much to lose, so much more to gain.
Author: ???
Rating: PG-15
Pairing: Judd/Jones
Word count: 1927
Summary: It all just starts out as a bit of fun…
A/N: This isn’t quite as fluffy as it started out in my mind, but then the boys just got carried away with being a bit angsty and arguing in my head and this was the outcome. I hope you like it anyways and I hope you have a lovely Christmas!
He wasn’t entirely sure when this thing - which was neither just sex nor an actual relationship had started. It was years ago really, drunken fumbles when they were both too horny to sleep but too intoxicated to entertain woman, meaningless kisses to wind Tom up, stupid flirting in front of the cameras - all off which was supposed to mean nothing to either of them. For a long time it didn’t but eventually Danny came to realise he just didn’t care about pulling women the way he used to and instead found himself craving Harry’s touch not just when he’d drank too much, but on sober nights as well. It was on these nights that he would lie in bed and try to think of an excuse - any excuse to pick up the phone and ask Harry to come and join him. Usually he didn’t call the other man, but rather fell into a restless sleep which replayed visions of blue eyes, messy brown hair and calloused hands back to him all night.
For a while he fought the idea that the could possibly feel more for his band mate than just friendship and maybe a little sexual attraction, but ultimately he couldn’t deny the tingling in his stomach when the drummer smiled his way or pushed stray hairs away from his forehead or kissed down his freckly skin from earlobe to collar bone. In the end Danny had to admit this was something more, something which felt strangely like love - though he wasn’t an expert on the matter by any means. It was months before he finally, with hands shaking slightly, plucked up the courage to tell his friend or lover or whatever how he felt.
It had been a cold autumn morning after the last date of tour when he blurted it out - they’d spent the morning having slow, exhausted but amazing sex when the words just slipped passed his lips. It wasn’t anything elaborate just a simple ‘I think I’m in love with you Harry’ whispered into the other mans hair, but it was enough. In an instant the drummer was sat bolt upright in bed, startled and naked and vulnerable. He processed the words for what felt like a life time to Danny before starting to pull on clothes, any clothes - his t-shirt, Danny’s jeans and odd socks while Danny just lay there in exactly the same position, heart slowly sinking. And then Harry was gone, leaving the guitarist to sit and mentally kick himself over and over.
--
Things were awkward after that, so awkward that neither man could look the other in the face and it didn’t take long for Tom or Dougie to realise they wouldn’t get an explanation no matter how many times they asked what had happened. Harry was only ever around when he had to be, when the band needed him. For months there were no trips to the pub, no movie nights at Tom’s… nothing. It was only when Harry missed practice completely on four consecutive days that Danny decided enough was enough. They were in a fucking band, they needed to sort this out and figure out how to function together again because if they didn’t things would be ruined completely, not just for the two of them, but for Dougie and Tom as well.
It was with that thought in his mind that he left the studio and headed over to the house that he hadn’t seen since that morning. It was quiet when he got there, the blinds shut and no signs of life, but Harry’s car was in the drive so he knocked and waited. He hadn’t really expected an answer and when one didn’t come he wasted no time in slipping a hand under the door matt to retrieve the key he knew was hidden there. It slipped easily into the lock but inside the house was just as silent.
“Harry? Harry are you here?”
There was no answer, but again Danny hadn’t expected one. Slowly he made his way through the house which, quite uncharacteristically was a complete mess and when he realised Harry definitely wasn’t downstairs he made his way up to the second floor, heart lurching unpleasantly. Danny wasn’t sure that he could cope with finding Harry in bed with a woman, or worse still another man.
His mind had already formulated a far too detailed depiction of what he could find behind the closed door of Harry’s bedroom but when he pushed it open the sight inside hadn’t been what he was expecting. There were a few similarities to the vision his over active imagination had provided - Harry was half naked on the bed, sheets rumpled around him and sweat covering his brow, but thankfully he was very much alone and looking so unwell it made Danny’s stomach clench.
“You look like shit” Danny said causing the drummers head to snap up in surprise, his eyes locking for a second with blue counterparts.
“I feel like it” was the scratchy reply.
Within minutes Danny had crossed the room, rearranged Harry into a more comfortable position, stripped off the drenched bed sheets, refilled the glass from the beside table with water, found a packet of nurofen and dampened a flannel to wipe across the brunettes feverish brow. Nothing was said for a long time as Danny fussed and took control of the situation whilst Harry sat feeling marginally better than he had before his band mate’s intrusion. It was only once all the movement stopped that the two men finally had to deal with the situation - they were together, alone, for the first time in months. Danny couldn’t decide if he wanted to scream and shout at the other man, or bundle him up in his arms and never let go.
“Why are you doing all this Dan?” the question was a small, feeble almost.
“I came over because I thought your texts to Tom about being sick had been an excuse. I came over because I thought it was about time we sorted this mess between us out.”
“Why did you stay? Why didn’t you just leave once you saw that I was in fact dying?”
“You’re so melodramatic, it’s only the flu. And I’ve stayed because I care. And because we still need to sort things out - it’s not fair to carry on like this, not on me or you or Tom or Dougie… none of its fair.” Silence lingered after Danny’s words whilst the ailing man beside him contemplated them, trying desperately to thing of something, anything to say that could even begin to explain his actions.
In the end Harry just decided to tell the truth.
“I shouldn’t have left you that morning Dan. I regretted it straight away but I couldn’t come back… Love just fucks things up. And we can’t fuck this up - this is bigger than me and you, it’s not just our futures that would be a mess if things went wrong between us. There are the others to think about, we can’t risk it, we can’t risk the band.”
“Can’t you see that things are already fucked up? You never even gave it - us, a proper thought and everything is a mess anyway.” Danny’s voice was close to breaking and so was his resolve because it hurt too much to sit and discuss things when all he wanted to do was kiss Harry and take away the drummer’s pain, as well as his own.
“You think I haven’t thought about it? Danny it’s all I’ve fucking thought about since those words left your mouth. But that is exactly my point, if things are like this and barely anything has happened…” Danny’s expression changed so quickly from hurt to anger that the rest of Harry’s sentence died in his throat.
“Barely anything has happened? Yeah me falling in love is barely anything…” he shook his head, trying for a moment to clear it before deciding to just walk away, it was too painful to sit there and listen to Harry dismiss his feelings. He stood and was about to move away from the bed when fingers wrapped around his wrist, pulling him back.
“Danny… Dan please don’t go.”
“I can’t stay and listen to you talk about this like its no big deal. I love you Harry okay? I fucking love you. And you don’t seem to give a shit.” The words we broken as the lump rose in Danny’s throat, but he was past caring. He thought he could do this, he thought he could come and salvage their friendship, but it was just too hard.
“You think I don’t give a shit? You think I don’t feel exactly the fucking same? Of course I love you too. If I didn’t this would be easy. If I didn’t then it wouldn’t kill me to see you every day and not kiss you… I’m just trying to do what is best for us all, what is right and sensible.”
“Fuck what’s right and sensible. Fuck Tom and Dougie. Fuck the band. I don’t care about any of that right now, because I can’t focus on any of it anyway, not when it feels like someone is kicking me in the gut every time you walk into the room.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I can’t do this any more. If you love me but you’re not willing to even give us a chance then I can’t carry on acting like nothing ever happened.” There was a pause, a long silent moment which stretched endlessly between the two men until eventually Harry shook his head, tears finally falling loose from his eyes.
“I’m scared Danny.”
“What of?”
“If I lose you, then I lose it all. My career, my best friends, my lover… everything. Too much is at stake.”
“And what if you don’t lose me? What if this is exactly what we’ve both spent the last however many years looking for? What if we give this a chance and it’s the best fucking thing to happen to either of us?” The speech was punctuated by freckled hand running through spiky brown hair, along a stubbled jaw before coming to rest against a beating heart.
“I love you Harry. We can make this work.” There was a nod, barely a movement, but it was enough and then they were kissing, all tongue and breathe and lips. It didn’t matter that Harry was probably contagious, it didn’t matter that they both had tears in their eyes - all that mattered was just how right it felt.
--
Looking back on that afternoon two months later Danny could barely believe how much had changed. They came out to Tom and Dougie the very next day deciding that they needed to know. No one else did, not right then at least and so they kept all the kisses and touches and whispered words for behind closed doors.
It was everything Danny had thought it could be, plus so much more besides. One night when they were lay together beneath the duvet, cuddled so close for warmth and protection against the cool December air Harry turned to him and smiled and it made those months of heartache seem worthwhile, because now they both knew what they had to lose.
“Kiss me.” Was whispered by the drummer, and his lover didn’t hesitate before joining their lips in a searing, passionate yet loving embrace. It was exciting, it was firey, it was tender, it was perfect.