i am not still in high school anymore
i woke up this morning to a flood of messages via facespace regarding the executive administrator at my alma matter, pvpa. who knew he was being pushed out? this is how i've been feeling since getting through the mess o' messages.
i have to say that i've been a pretty bad alumni. as with most things in my past, i continually try to leave them as far back as i can. i've always has a pretty hard time letting things go emotionally and psychologically. i dream about high school probably once a week. its scary to say, but when i think of happier times, i tend to think of pvpa. maybe it was the structure or the freedom within that structure, or just the feeling that my whole life was ahead of me. regardless, i haven't participated in a lot of presentness with the alumni association because i'm still there in my head and heart most of the time. am i afraid that being present would make me question these things more? am i actively not participating in order to hold on to memories that i wish i could step back from a little more, in order to live my current life?
as for bob, the administrator in question, i've heard lots of different things since i graduated back in 2002. he was leaving of his own free will, he was getting pushed out by the board of directors, he was sending the institution to hell in a hand basket. all i know is that bob brick never missed a show that i worked on in high school. i know that he always had five minutes to sit down with me and talk about my course work, my dreams, my "talents" and my goals. he visited me a my various high school jobs, talked to my parents on the phone, and chose me as one of the two speakers at my high school graduation. he also pushed me to go further, gave me the only black mark on my record on principal and called me out when i was being stupid more times than i can count. i can speak about these things regarding bob brick, but i don't think i can speak to what he's done over the past seven years since i've left the school. i know its changed greatly, so much so that i question if i would still choose to attend the school that changed my entire life.
reading alumni response to these events has made me question what PVPA and high school, should produce in their graduates. am i any less valid than these folks because i've discovered another vocation? because i didn't go on to be the performing artist that i promised everyone i would be? i continued to perform in various aspects until i reached this gotham city (that i've admitted numerous times has killed my self confidence and creativity). looking to my fellow classmates makes me feel that i've let down the memory of bob and the school in general. could i petition the board of directors with the proofs that i'm a struggling-wanna-be-cafe-owner and hopeful-historical-fiction-writer living with his boyfriend and cat next to a highway? how does that compare to touring the world, designing for catherine malandrino or organizing disenfranchised immigrants into performing arts troupes? its my age old problem of feeling like i've failed when my dreams have just changed. as much as i can adapt to this, for others i imagine it just makes me look like a cop out and failure. it makes me want to remain silent.
i don't think that bob staying at pvpa will have a great effect one way or another on the school. it has already become a place of conformity, regularity and has lost the feel of that crazy tribe that saved my life as a teenager. when alumni want to petition the board is it to save bob? or to save their memories of high school? i don't begrudge anyone their voice and i will sign my name to their words of woe but i don't think i can write my own. and that burns.
i have to say that i've been a pretty bad alumni. as with most things in my past, i continually try to leave them as far back as i can. i've always has a pretty hard time letting things go emotionally and psychologically. i dream about high school probably once a week. its scary to say, but when i think of happier times, i tend to think of pvpa. maybe it was the structure or the freedom within that structure, or just the feeling that my whole life was ahead of me. regardless, i haven't participated in a lot of presentness with the alumni association because i'm still there in my head and heart most of the time. am i afraid that being present would make me question these things more? am i actively not participating in order to hold on to memories that i wish i could step back from a little more, in order to live my current life?
as for bob, the administrator in question, i've heard lots of different things since i graduated back in 2002. he was leaving of his own free will, he was getting pushed out by the board of directors, he was sending the institution to hell in a hand basket. all i know is that bob brick never missed a show that i worked on in high school. i know that he always had five minutes to sit down with me and talk about my course work, my dreams, my "talents" and my goals. he visited me a my various high school jobs, talked to my parents on the phone, and chose me as one of the two speakers at my high school graduation. he also pushed me to go further, gave me the only black mark on my record on principal and called me out when i was being stupid more times than i can count. i can speak about these things regarding bob brick, but i don't think i can speak to what he's done over the past seven years since i've left the school. i know its changed greatly, so much so that i question if i would still choose to attend the school that changed my entire life.
reading alumni response to these events has made me question what PVPA and high school, should produce in their graduates. am i any less valid than these folks because i've discovered another vocation? because i didn't go on to be the performing artist that i promised everyone i would be? i continued to perform in various aspects until i reached this gotham city (that i've admitted numerous times has killed my self confidence and creativity). looking to my fellow classmates makes me feel that i've let down the memory of bob and the school in general. could i petition the board of directors with the proofs that i'm a struggling-wanna-be-cafe-owner and hopeful-historical-fiction-writer living with his boyfriend and cat next to a highway? how does that compare to touring the world, designing for catherine malandrino or organizing disenfranchised immigrants into performing arts troupes? its my age old problem of feeling like i've failed when my dreams have just changed. as much as i can adapt to this, for others i imagine it just makes me look like a cop out and failure. it makes me want to remain silent.
i don't think that bob staying at pvpa will have a great effect one way or another on the school. it has already become a place of conformity, regularity and has lost the feel of that crazy tribe that saved my life as a teenager. when alumni want to petition the board is it to save bob? or to save their memories of high school? i don't begrudge anyone their voice and i will sign my name to their words of woe but i don't think i can write my own. and that burns.