say what you will
another sick day from work.
more talk about leaving this city.
am i being ridiculous here? what's is it that makes me want to stay? the promise of a glamorous life, right? right. if i just work hard enough, if i just stay at this job long enough, something is bound to open up for me. ten years later, i'm worried i'll still be pushing data entry through.
you're supposed to ask yourself what you want and then do everything you can to get it. maybe i want this, but its unobtainable. certainly, it isn't what matt wants. and he's a trooper to let me try and have it. let's list what i have. a third floor walk up in a decent but desolate neighborhood. a job that works me to the bone, that i worry about constantly, but that pays the rent. a wonderful man. a wonderful cat. and pretty good taste if i say so myself. what else do i want?
lately, matt is reading more and more theorectial texts. and he wants to discuss them. and i have such a hard time trying to talk about them. i don't know if i have this block against them or if i just can't understand them or what. but it all ends up sounding like, author knows what's absolutely correct, the rest of us are idiots and if we just accept the authors premise and do exactly what he says, the world will be rainbows and moonbeams.
maybe i do want a garden. and then i think, we couldn't afford a space that would allow us a garden anyway. maybe i'm too stubborn. i want things the way i want them, and i refuse to give up. maybe i could move into an apartment complex. i will never move into an apartment complex. if i left, would i gain inspiration that i've lost since i've been here? will i want anything more than the little wants i have now?
i don't want my twenties to be a waste. i want us both to be happy. i want to make a decision and stick by it.
and i know all this will change in a month as soon as the sun comes back.
life's tough, ya know? wah wah.
more talk about leaving this city.
am i being ridiculous here? what's is it that makes me want to stay? the promise of a glamorous life, right? right. if i just work hard enough, if i just stay at this job long enough, something is bound to open up for me. ten years later, i'm worried i'll still be pushing data entry through.
you're supposed to ask yourself what you want and then do everything you can to get it. maybe i want this, but its unobtainable. certainly, it isn't what matt wants. and he's a trooper to let me try and have it. let's list what i have. a third floor walk up in a decent but desolate neighborhood. a job that works me to the bone, that i worry about constantly, but that pays the rent. a wonderful man. a wonderful cat. and pretty good taste if i say so myself. what else do i want?
lately, matt is reading more and more theorectial texts. and he wants to discuss them. and i have such a hard time trying to talk about them. i don't know if i have this block against them or if i just can't understand them or what. but it all ends up sounding like, author knows what's absolutely correct, the rest of us are idiots and if we just accept the authors premise and do exactly what he says, the world will be rainbows and moonbeams.
maybe i do want a garden. and then i think, we couldn't afford a space that would allow us a garden anyway. maybe i'm too stubborn. i want things the way i want them, and i refuse to give up. maybe i could move into an apartment complex. i will never move into an apartment complex. if i left, would i gain inspiration that i've lost since i've been here? will i want anything more than the little wants i have now?
i don't want my twenties to be a waste. i want us both to be happy. i want to make a decision and stick by it.
and i know all this will change in a month as soon as the sun comes back.
life's tough, ya know? wah wah.