MSU is under attack!
The squirrels have become hostile! And what's worse, they have agents within our very borders that have gone on the offensive! I have personally witnessed the atrocities they are capable of, and have seen just how far they are willing to go to achieve their nefarious goals! Now, listen as I tell my tale.
I had just gotten out of Spanish class in Berkey, and was quickly walking south to try to make it to the bus stop in time. My path took me underneath some trees, and I relished the shade, completely unaware of the danger that awaited me within the branches above. As I walked, I heard a rustling. I paused and glanced up just in time to see a large object fall from the tree, landing with a sickening thud just in front of me, kicking up a cloud of dust from the dirt path. Had I not paused, it would have landed directly on my head.
I leaned forward to examine the object, and was shocked when it suddenly moved back toward the tree. I was able to see the tell-tale, um, tail, of the creature as it scurried up the trunk of the tree. That's right, friends, this hadn't simply been part of a branch or some over-ripe fruit, it was a kamikaze squirrel warrior!
I can only assume that such squirrel attacks have taken place throughout campus within the last few hours with horrific results. We must defend ourselves! Avoid walking beneath trees whenever possible, for they are the optimal point for the squirrels to strike from. If you do have to walk beneath trees, bring a helmet to protect yourself from their suicide squads. I suggest being careful around any wildlife, as we don't yet know what allies the squirrels have. It might just be a renegade squirrel faction, or they may have raised an entire squirrel army. They may even have allied themselves with the dreaded chipmunks and bunny rabbits.
So please, if you must leave the safety of your home, be careful.
I had just gotten out of Spanish class in Berkey, and was quickly walking south to try to make it to the bus stop in time. My path took me underneath some trees, and I relished the shade, completely unaware of the danger that awaited me within the branches above. As I walked, I heard a rustling. I paused and glanced up just in time to see a large object fall from the tree, landing with a sickening thud just in front of me, kicking up a cloud of dust from the dirt path. Had I not paused, it would have landed directly on my head.
I leaned forward to examine the object, and was shocked when it suddenly moved back toward the tree. I was able to see the tell-tale, um, tail, of the creature as it scurried up the trunk of the tree. That's right, friends, this hadn't simply been part of a branch or some over-ripe fruit, it was a kamikaze squirrel warrior!
I can only assume that such squirrel attacks have taken place throughout campus within the last few hours with horrific results. We must defend ourselves! Avoid walking beneath trees whenever possible, for they are the optimal point for the squirrels to strike from. If you do have to walk beneath trees, bring a helmet to protect yourself from their suicide squads. I suggest being careful around any wildlife, as we don't yet know what allies the squirrels have. It might just be a renegade squirrel faction, or they may have raised an entire squirrel army. They may even have allied themselves with the dreaded chipmunks and bunny rabbits.
So please, if you must leave the safety of your home, be careful.