The Lord Giveth and The Lord Taketh Away ...
Fair warning, this is one of those journal entries where I just dump everything out in the open to make myself feel better. Will it make sense, maybe but only to me. You have been warned and you are welcome to skip this entry if you so please
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For me to finally admit that those actions in those times weren't mine was a huge hurtle, and I believe that writing them out has helped me come to grips with this fact. I have never been a big religious guy, so I am still struggling with the "why me?" aspect of it all now.
I don't feel as though God abandoned me when I went into the church, I feel as though his role in my life shifted. I went from the one that he was using to being the one that he was helping with other people. I notice now that others around knew what to say to me about how i was feeling, but since I didn't know what was going on I barely listened cause the role shift was so jarring. and I just sunk further. He didn't give up on me, he kept giving me oppertunities, and I kept destroying them.
Good friends or not doesn't really matter to me when it comes to you and me, all that matters is that you have been consistantly there in my life, and sometimes thats better than actually being a friend, just being there for some one to say hi to, or to leave something for them to read. I know you still read LiveJournal, and part of me wrote what I wrote to receive validation from you, I knew you would read it, i just didn't know how you would respond, and thankfully, you have helped me not to feel foolish about what I have been thinking.
Thanks
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Scripture is filled with descriptions of times in which God does incredible things with people whom the world has written off. Heck, the disciples were the "JV" team, made up of "not-good-enoughs." God uses "anybodys" rather than "somebodys." Paul built a career on seeking out and murdering Christians before Jesus changed his life, and he went on to write most of the New Testament.
It's funny...what you've essentially described at the end is the church and its purpose. God can do all kinds of things through others, but I believe that our most profound transformations take place directly between us and Him. The church should be a place where we can find people who share our faith, people to build us up and strengthen us. It's also a place where you shouldn't feel foolish expressing your thoughts and feelings.
Faith and our relationship with God is not an easy thing to accept or comprehend. We need to wrestle with things if we hope to gain any real revelation or understanding, and part of that requires having people to bounce ideas and concerns off of...people who we trust not to judge or attack, but to listen and respond with faith.
I'm glad to hear that you're going back to Faith (at least I think that's what you said). I wanted to say, though, if you feel like a change of pace or maybe just a change of faces, you're welcome to come to our church for a Sunday or two. St. Paul Lutheran is in Flint, just across Ballenger Hwy. from McLaren. We worship at 8:30 and 11:00 a.m.
If you're not already, I'd also encourage you to spend some time in God's Word somehow. You said you've been talking to God more lately, which is awesome, but you've got to be listening for Him to speak back to you as well. It doesn't have to be anything huge, maybe just like ten minutes a day. You should be able to get some little devotional books from the church if you want, or you can just read on your own.
Something that might be more up your alley though...There's a DVD series of Bible studies called Nooma, put out by a huge non-denominational church in Grand Rapids that's known for it's 20-something population. Basically, it's a 10-minute video with a book of thoughts and questions to consider. It's really awesome because it's not like traditional Bible study things. The videos are incredibly modern, the teachings are relevant to people our age and background, yet firmly grounded, and the questions are FAR from hokey and "railroady." I have access to about 6 of them if you're interested in borrowing one.
I'm sorry...this is getting way too long and going into way too much, so I'll shut up now. I know exactly what you're saying about our relationship and I want you to know that as irritated or pissed as I've been at you in the past, I've never written you off either. I'm truly happy that you've gone through this, and grateful for any part that I may have played in it. Above all else, I want you to know that regardless of where I am or what's going on, you can always send me something to read or give me a call if you need someone to talk to. If it's OK with you, I'd like to pray for you and your continuing quest for grace and knowledge. As I mentioned, I formally invite you to visit us at St. Paul, if you'd like, but please don't feel like you have to.
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Mars Hill?
Ironically if thats who you are talking about I went to a church service of theres about a year ago, oddly enough I left there with the strength to call Jessica and try to renew our relationship.
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The pastor at Mars Hill is a guy named Rob Bell. He's written a fantastic book about the spirituality of today's young progressive culture called Velvet Elvis.
But he also created and stars in the Nooma DVDs. Most Bible studies seem to be written by older southern evangelicals or those like them in the North. They can be very good studies, but they just don't naturally speak to today's young people very well. Rob's do...because he is one and has built a church on the relevance that young people are seeking in their faith today. The DVDs do a great job of inspiring thought and discussion which is what communal faith-shaping is all about.
Like I said, let me know if you want to borrow one.
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