GET OVER IT!
OK, soo you all will hate me for this one...but I don't hate myself
I cleaned my apt and did all the dishes last night soo Jason could come over and watch the Matthew Shepard movie while I was at class...
Now, I knew he would have his new bf John with him....but I don't think I fully had a grip on how that would affect me.
The first time I walked into my apt to see John snuggling up next to Jason, I almost fell to the floor. It was like I could have cried, passed out, and thrown up all in one action.
Soo, what did I do...I DRANK...and I drank A LOT!
....But I did open up and get to talk to John and Jason both.
This is pathetic also, but I am very happy for Jason. John is butcher than I...but he is still effeminite! He and Jason have the same sick sense of humor that I could never understand...and they both like cars....plus John really seems to respect and love Jason.
It was almost refreshing to see Jason happy, now I know I don't have to be the one to make him smile....but it still hurts to think that I can't be the one, ya know?
The thing that hurt the most was seeing them bond...I realized I am not that person that has the inside jokes now...and not the one Jason looks at or touches when he wants to make a point or tell a story....and what really hurt is how the both of them laughed at me when I was acting a bit to girly (but I was nervous...and didn't know how else to talk or act, you all understand).
Soo I went out with friends and drownded my sorrows in BIG FISH BOWLS of beer...it made me feel good..and I even met a wonderful,gay,black man at 707 (whom is NOT single)....but I drank soo much I woke up 30 min late for work today...however, Barb is soo cool and very understanding.
He loves me though, I know he does. If he didn't love me and care about me he would have turned me down when I offered my apt for them to watch MTV...he would not have stuck around and talk to me...he would not have smiled at me and just been jason when I needed him to be.
I can't stop thinking that someone else is cuddling with him at night though...I helped him move in some this last weekend...and when I saw his bed (the bed we made love on and had our first kiss on and the bed we slept in the night he proposed to me) I just cried and cried...he almost held me....Almost!
Well, I have a date this Friday...as you can all tell (and I know it also) I am not ready for it. I would not call it rebound, I just need to know that there is another guy out there, someplace, who cares for me and is attracted to me while I am attracted to him.
Matthew is from KU. He is not the type of guy that I ususally find attractive. He is about my stature but has the most beautiful eyes. He just broke up with his bf about a month ago...Soo we have both agreed not to be Rebounds of our lost loves...but we have also both agreed not to get too serious too soon...and just have fun cuddling and sharing time!
Niether of us want sex (which is cool) cause niether of us can get over being with our exes....but I have asked him to spend the night soo I have someone to cuddle with.
***Do you realize how lonely I am at night...especially now that I know jason is cuddling next to someone else....for soo many months I fell asleep next to a nice warm body with my hand on a hairy little belly....someday that will be replaced, someday!
I am wrighting this because I feel lost and lonely on the inside...
Usually I shut off and stay away from all of you...this does not mean I want hords of people showing up at my house...but a phone call or a short message would be nice!
I think I am strong....and I know that I should be, but I have to go at my own pace and learn to get on with things.
Priority #1 is school this semester...
I know I will have Jason on my mind a LOT...but at the same time....I am not gonna let him get me down!
Just a foreshadowing... March 11th is fast approaching, it will be here before we know it! That is the day that Jason proposed to me...
I really would like to have dinner and a movie that night! NO DRINKING! But I wanna take lots of pictures of my friends and "family" here...soo I know I am loved and appreciated!
I love all of you...I know I say that and it sounds shallow...but you have made me feel like a friend, brother, and more...
THANKS!
I cleaned my apt and did all the dishes last night soo Jason could come over and watch the Matthew Shepard movie while I was at class...
Now, I knew he would have his new bf John with him....but I don't think I fully had a grip on how that would affect me.
The first time I walked into my apt to see John snuggling up next to Jason, I almost fell to the floor. It was like I could have cried, passed out, and thrown up all in one action.
Soo, what did I do...I DRANK...and I drank A LOT!
....But I did open up and get to talk to John and Jason both.
This is pathetic also, but I am very happy for Jason. John is butcher than I...but he is still effeminite! He and Jason have the same sick sense of humor that I could never understand...and they both like cars....plus John really seems to respect and love Jason.
It was almost refreshing to see Jason happy, now I know I don't have to be the one to make him smile....but it still hurts to think that I can't be the one, ya know?
The thing that hurt the most was seeing them bond...I realized I am not that person that has the inside jokes now...and not the one Jason looks at or touches when he wants to make a point or tell a story....and what really hurt is how the both of them laughed at me when I was acting a bit to girly (but I was nervous...and didn't know how else to talk or act, you all understand).
Soo I went out with friends and drownded my sorrows in BIG FISH BOWLS of beer...it made me feel good..and I even met a wonderful,gay,black man at 707 (whom is NOT single)....but I drank soo much I woke up 30 min late for work today...however, Barb is soo cool and very understanding.
He loves me though, I know he does. If he didn't love me and care about me he would have turned me down when I offered my apt for them to watch MTV...he would not have stuck around and talk to me...he would not have smiled at me and just been jason when I needed him to be.
I can't stop thinking that someone else is cuddling with him at night though...I helped him move in some this last weekend...and when I saw his bed (the bed we made love on and had our first kiss on and the bed we slept in the night he proposed to me) I just cried and cried...he almost held me....Almost!
Well, I have a date this Friday...as you can all tell (and I know it also) I am not ready for it. I would not call it rebound, I just need to know that there is another guy out there, someplace, who cares for me and is attracted to me while I am attracted to him.
Matthew is from KU. He is not the type of guy that I ususally find attractive. He is about my stature but has the most beautiful eyes. He just broke up with his bf about a month ago...Soo we have both agreed not to be Rebounds of our lost loves...but we have also both agreed not to get too serious too soon...and just have fun cuddling and sharing time!
Niether of us want sex (which is cool) cause niether of us can get over being with our exes....but I have asked him to spend the night soo I have someone to cuddle with.
***Do you realize how lonely I am at night...especially now that I know jason is cuddling next to someone else....for soo many months I fell asleep next to a nice warm body with my hand on a hairy little belly....someday that will be replaced, someday!
I am wrighting this because I feel lost and lonely on the inside...
Usually I shut off and stay away from all of you...this does not mean I want hords of people showing up at my house...but a phone call or a short message would be nice!
I think I am strong....and I know that I should be, but I have to go at my own pace and learn to get on with things.
Priority #1 is school this semester...
I know I will have Jason on my mind a LOT...but at the same time....I am not gonna let him get me down!
Just a foreshadowing... March 11th is fast approaching, it will be here before we know it! That is the day that Jason proposed to me...
I really would like to have dinner and a movie that night! NO DRINKING! But I wanna take lots of pictures of my friends and "family" here...soo I know I am loved and appreciated!
I love all of you...I know I say that and it sounds shallow...but you have made me feel like a friend, brother, and more...
THANKS!