The American Test
Mr. Jury, front-and-center, if you please.
The tall Kiwi with the sandy-brown hair leapt to his feet and took his place in the center of the circle, exaggerating his military-style snap to attention sarcastically.
Yes, Sir. Sarcastically.
As you are the only Immigrant on this crew, we will give you the opportunity to join us, should you pass this test. Are you ready for the test, Mr. Jury?
We're going to make him an honorary American, should he pass. He's ready.
Question number one - which of these was not a US President? Chester Arthur, James Polk, or Gordon Lightfoot?
Gordon Lightfoot? Wasn't he a singer or something?
That is correct. He sang The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Next question: Why do you hate the Yankees?
Uncertain. Thinking.
Because I like Baseball?
That is correct! Well done! This next question is a tricky one, are you ready?
Confidently, Yes, Sir.
How many US States suck?
Uh... Pause. I can't even remember how many US States there are. Let me think... Ohio, Indiana. Utah. I'm going to say six.
I'm sorry, but the correct answer is seven. But, you did name three of them. What do you think, guys? Give it to him?
The group agrees.
The correct answer is seven. Ohio, Indiana, Utah, Arizona, Pennsylvania, Texas and Idaho. Fuck Idaho.
Last question is a math question, are you up for that?
Yes. The sarcastic snap to attention straightens even tighter.
Ok. A hooker leaves Las Vegas in the trunk of a Toyota at an average speed of seventy-five miles per hour. How long before she's buried in a shallow grave outside of Barstow?
Confusion, for a moment. Then the answer.
That's a bullshit question. It would never happen. This is America. The hooker would be in a Ford, or a Chevy, not a Toyota.
Correct! Welcome to America, my friend.
The tall Kiwi with the sandy-brown hair leapt to his feet and took his place in the center of the circle, exaggerating his military-style snap to attention sarcastically.
Yes, Sir. Sarcastically.
As you are the only Immigrant on this crew, we will give you the opportunity to join us, should you pass this test. Are you ready for the test, Mr. Jury?
We're going to make him an honorary American, should he pass. He's ready.
Question number one - which of these was not a US President? Chester Arthur, James Polk, or Gordon Lightfoot?
Gordon Lightfoot? Wasn't he a singer or something?
That is correct. He sang The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Next question: Why do you hate the Yankees?
Uncertain. Thinking.
Because I like Baseball?
That is correct! Well done! This next question is a tricky one, are you ready?
Confidently, Yes, Sir.
How many US States suck?
Uh... Pause. I can't even remember how many US States there are. Let me think... Ohio, Indiana. Utah. I'm going to say six.
I'm sorry, but the correct answer is seven. But, you did name three of them. What do you think, guys? Give it to him?
The group agrees.
The correct answer is seven. Ohio, Indiana, Utah, Arizona, Pennsylvania, Texas and Idaho. Fuck Idaho.
Last question is a math question, are you up for that?
Yes. The sarcastic snap to attention straightens even tighter.
Ok. A hooker leaves Las Vegas in the trunk of a Toyota at an average speed of seventy-five miles per hour. How long before she's buried in a shallow grave outside of Barstow?
Confusion, for a moment. Then the answer.
That's a bullshit question. It would never happen. This is America. The hooker would be in a Ford, or a Chevy, not a Toyota.
Correct! Welcome to America, my friend.