The Antarcalypse
Yesterday we had a vehicle fire on the shortcut road to Pegasus Field. Not sure of the cause, but I can comfortably say that something went wrong in the engine compartment, which ignited, and both the engine and passenger compartments were lost. The truck bed and lift were saved, along with most of what the truck was hauling. The Fire Department responded and controlled the situation. Thankfully, there were no injuries.
This was, for us, relatively routine. A bit exciting, but pretty routine. Because "routine" makes for uninteresting stories, I have jazzed up my story as if it were written by Michael Bay. Please enjoy. I call it "The Antarcalypse", because I think that's what the supremely untalented Mr. Bay might call it.
THE ANTARCALYPSE
It's sunrise, or sunset. Hard to tell. The sky is bright and orange, and everyone is silhouetted against the sky. Two beautiful people are looking beautiful despite being all silhouettey. A song, written just for this occasion, is loudly playing in the background. It's loud, and you can almost see the long hair of the singer blowing in a stiff breeze. He's somehow related to the woman, her father perhaps. She is one of the silhouettes. They are making love on the back of a motorcycle. The silhouettes are. The singer isn't there, just the music. It's loud.
"You are so beautiful it hurts*, " he says.
"It's your nose that hurts*," she says, as she punches him in the nose.
"I think it's my heart*," he says as the music swells.
We're in a tower. A large, snow covered tower with shiny black floors. An evil man twirls his massive, digital moustache. His cold-weather gear is impeccably tailored. A giant, round, white orphan-fur-covered bed rotates in the background. The bed is covered with the scantily-clad bodies of Misty May, Natalie Portman, and Gisele Bundchen lookalikes, along with a pair of spare umlauts. They are wearing color-coordinated lingerie.
The Evil Man's henchman appears. He's large, muscular, and equally evil to the Evil Man, but in a slightly different way. The Henchman approaches the Evil Man and removes A Device from the Evil Man's digital moustache, which he holds out towards The Evil Man. The Evil Man presses a button on the Device. The Henchman throws a guy wearing a tie off the tower. The guy with the tie screams.
In the distance, a pickup truck is consumed by a fireball. This image is repeated seven or eight times, from three different angles. In slow motion.
Now we're in the Firehouse. It's underground, and has a metal ramp leading up to the bright sky. Giant video monitors cover every surface. Alarms are going off. The silhouettes are there, only they aren't silhouettes anymore. They are the beautiful people. Two of them, one of each. Dozens of people in color-coordinated overalls are running in every direction, carrying mysterious equipment. The Beautiful People jump onto their Fire Engine, which does zero-to-sixty up the metal ramp and out into the snow. The Fire Chief looks off into the distance, the mountains reflected in his eyes despite the fact that he's twelve stories underground. The camera rotates around him quickly.
"Recognize," says the Fire Chief. Loud music starts, and the Fire Chief breakdances.
We're in a tower. A large, snow covered tower with shiny black floors. An evil man twirls his massive, digital moustache. In the distance, a helicopter collides with a speeding train in slow motion. The Henchman throws a large knife into a door.
The Fire Engine goes twice as fast as anything else as it tears through crowded streets. The Beautiful People are sipping tea. They have a Hardened Veteran and a Plucky Sidekick in the truck with them. A car explodes as it crashes into a donut shop filled with horrified onlookers. The Fire Engine crashes through a line of water barrels that had been set up as a barrier. In slow motion. Water flies everywhere. The Beautiful People are kissing again.
"Get some!" says the Plucky Sidekick.
"Be careful with the lady folk... they cloud the mind*," says the Hardened Veteran.
The Evil Man is on the move in his portable command center, hidden in the back of an 18-wheeler. Half a dozen technicians are hard at work on computer consoles while wearing matching white outfits with little white hats. The Evil Man is dressed in a tuxedo. His moustache twitches, and he kills one of the technicians. A motorcycle comes to a screeching halt in front of him.
The Fire Engine comes to a screeching, spinning halt in front of a pickup truck. In the truck are six orphans, a Franciscan Nun, an attractive teenage girl (white), an attractive teenage boy (black or hispanic), and a basket of puppies. Despite having already exploded when the Evil Man pushed his secret Device button, the truck bursts into flames. The doors of the truck won't open. The camera spins around the truck, showing the four firefighters as they exit the giant, impressive, and shiny black Fire Engine. They stand in a straight line, and we have to look at them through the waves of heat given off by the flaming pickup truck. They walk towards the camera in slow motion.
A puppy cries.
The Firefighters charge, completely failing to use any type of safety gear like breathing apparatus or hoses, opting instead to look good for the camera. For a moment, they are silhouetted against the flames. A motorcycle jumps over the burning wreckage and explodes. The attractive teenagers are making love while the Franciscan Nun smiles in adoring approval. After a brief struggle, the doors fly open and each Firefighter runs away from the burning wreckage carrying a different victim. The Plucky Sidekick carries the Franciscan Nun, the Beautiful Woman carries the copulating teenagers, and the Hardened Veteran carries a basket full of puppies, which in a blunt reference to his hidden soft side. Orphans run in all directions.
The Beautiful Man stands to the side, his face now heroically dirty, with a shiny axe rested on his left shoulder. A bald eagle lands on his right shoulder and screams defiantly as the pickup truck explodes again, in slow motion.
A herd of wild horses gallops across a plain of green, waving grasses. Somewhere in India, an old man cries. There's an American flag. A child eats breakfast.
Suddenly, the Henchman rises up from behind the Fire Engine. He's cradling a 50-caliber minigun in the crook of his arm, and the belt-fed ammunition in his left hand. Brass cartridges land at his feet in slow motion. The Hardened Veteran is cut to pieces, puppies flying everywhere. He falls to the ground. The Firefighters gather around him as the Fire Chief cradles the dying man's head in his lap.
"I was, like, gettin' 'em all in before you showed up*," he says, and then he dies.
The Firefighters are all silhouetted against a red, white and blue sky as they circle around their dead companion. Behind them, the Henchman dies a horrible death as a helicopter and a motorcycle explode on him. A puppy walks over and pees on the wreckage. There's fireworks.
The Evil Man, now wearing a bathrobe made out of a Laotian family, turns away from his window in the Tower. Two women that look suspiciously like Grace Park and Sarah Vowell support him as he crosses his impossibly shiny room over to a terminal where he will get his moustache calibrated for his appearance in the sequel.
The Firefighters walk home across the ice shelf as the music swells.
THE END
* indicates actual dialogue from a real Michael Bay film.
This was, for us, relatively routine. A bit exciting, but pretty routine. Because "routine" makes for uninteresting stories, I have jazzed up my story as if it were written by Michael Bay. Please enjoy. I call it "The Antarcalypse", because I think that's what the supremely untalented Mr. Bay might call it.
THE ANTARCALYPSE
It's sunrise, or sunset. Hard to tell. The sky is bright and orange, and everyone is silhouetted against the sky. Two beautiful people are looking beautiful despite being all silhouettey. A song, written just for this occasion, is loudly playing in the background. It's loud, and you can almost see the long hair of the singer blowing in a stiff breeze. He's somehow related to the woman, her father perhaps. She is one of the silhouettes. They are making love on the back of a motorcycle. The silhouettes are. The singer isn't there, just the music. It's loud.
"You are so beautiful it hurts*, " he says.
"It's your nose that hurts*," she says, as she punches him in the nose.
"I think it's my heart*," he says as the music swells.
We're in a tower. A large, snow covered tower with shiny black floors. An evil man twirls his massive, digital moustache. His cold-weather gear is impeccably tailored. A giant, round, white orphan-fur-covered bed rotates in the background. The bed is covered with the scantily-clad bodies of Misty May, Natalie Portman, and Gisele Bundchen lookalikes, along with a pair of spare umlauts. They are wearing color-coordinated lingerie.
The Evil Man's henchman appears. He's large, muscular, and equally evil to the Evil Man, but in a slightly different way. The Henchman approaches the Evil Man and removes A Device from the Evil Man's digital moustache, which he holds out towards The Evil Man. The Evil Man presses a button on the Device. The Henchman throws a guy wearing a tie off the tower. The guy with the tie screams.
In the distance, a pickup truck is consumed by a fireball. This image is repeated seven or eight times, from three different angles. In slow motion.
Now we're in the Firehouse. It's underground, and has a metal ramp leading up to the bright sky. Giant video monitors cover every surface. Alarms are going off. The silhouettes are there, only they aren't silhouettes anymore. They are the beautiful people. Two of them, one of each. Dozens of people in color-coordinated overalls are running in every direction, carrying mysterious equipment. The Beautiful People jump onto their Fire Engine, which does zero-to-sixty up the metal ramp and out into the snow. The Fire Chief looks off into the distance, the mountains reflected in his eyes despite the fact that he's twelve stories underground. The camera rotates around him quickly.
"Recognize," says the Fire Chief. Loud music starts, and the Fire Chief breakdances.
We're in a tower. A large, snow covered tower with shiny black floors. An evil man twirls his massive, digital moustache. In the distance, a helicopter collides with a speeding train in slow motion. The Henchman throws a large knife into a door.
The Fire Engine goes twice as fast as anything else as it tears through crowded streets. The Beautiful People are sipping tea. They have a Hardened Veteran and a Plucky Sidekick in the truck with them. A car explodes as it crashes into a donut shop filled with horrified onlookers. The Fire Engine crashes through a line of water barrels that had been set up as a barrier. In slow motion. Water flies everywhere. The Beautiful People are kissing again.
"Get some!" says the Plucky Sidekick.
"Be careful with the lady folk... they cloud the mind*," says the Hardened Veteran.
The Evil Man is on the move in his portable command center, hidden in the back of an 18-wheeler. Half a dozen technicians are hard at work on computer consoles while wearing matching white outfits with little white hats. The Evil Man is dressed in a tuxedo. His moustache twitches, and he kills one of the technicians. A motorcycle comes to a screeching halt in front of him.
The Fire Engine comes to a screeching, spinning halt in front of a pickup truck. In the truck are six orphans, a Franciscan Nun, an attractive teenage girl (white), an attractive teenage boy (black or hispanic), and a basket of puppies. Despite having already exploded when the Evil Man pushed his secret Device button, the truck bursts into flames. The doors of the truck won't open. The camera spins around the truck, showing the four firefighters as they exit the giant, impressive, and shiny black Fire Engine. They stand in a straight line, and we have to look at them through the waves of heat given off by the flaming pickup truck. They walk towards the camera in slow motion.
A puppy cries.
The Firefighters charge, completely failing to use any type of safety gear like breathing apparatus or hoses, opting instead to look good for the camera. For a moment, they are silhouetted against the flames. A motorcycle jumps over the burning wreckage and explodes. The attractive teenagers are making love while the Franciscan Nun smiles in adoring approval. After a brief struggle, the doors fly open and each Firefighter runs away from the burning wreckage carrying a different victim. The Plucky Sidekick carries the Franciscan Nun, the Beautiful Woman carries the copulating teenagers, and the Hardened Veteran carries a basket full of puppies, which in a blunt reference to his hidden soft side. Orphans run in all directions.
The Beautiful Man stands to the side, his face now heroically dirty, with a shiny axe rested on his left shoulder. A bald eagle lands on his right shoulder and screams defiantly as the pickup truck explodes again, in slow motion.
A herd of wild horses gallops across a plain of green, waving grasses. Somewhere in India, an old man cries. There's an American flag. A child eats breakfast.
Suddenly, the Henchman rises up from behind the Fire Engine. He's cradling a 50-caliber minigun in the crook of his arm, and the belt-fed ammunition in his left hand. Brass cartridges land at his feet in slow motion. The Hardened Veteran is cut to pieces, puppies flying everywhere. He falls to the ground. The Firefighters gather around him as the Fire Chief cradles the dying man's head in his lap.
"I was, like, gettin' 'em all in before you showed up*," he says, and then he dies.
The Firefighters are all silhouetted against a red, white and blue sky as they circle around their dead companion. Behind them, the Henchman dies a horrible death as a helicopter and a motorcycle explode on him. A puppy walks over and pees on the wreckage. There's fireworks.
The Evil Man, now wearing a bathrobe made out of a Laotian family, turns away from his window in the Tower. Two women that look suspiciously like Grace Park and Sarah Vowell support him as he crosses his impossibly shiny room over to a terminal where he will get his moustache calibrated for his appearance in the sequel.
The Firefighters walk home across the ice shelf as the music swells.
THE END
* indicates actual dialogue from a real Michael Bay film.