...falling down the wormhole
I'm rewriting this over and over in the vain hope I can make sense of the last 24 hours.
Earlier this week I rediscovered the joys of going to the gym. Today I'm finding out the pains. I have to plan stuff today but another part of me wants to go & pound the cross-trainer into the ground to work out the crap I've been dealing with from the mental stuff but know if I do I'll probably put myself out of whack for a couple of days and I can't take the time out on that particular arena right now.I'm trying to unravel a particularly knotty set of thoughts & self-image stuff and it's proving difficult - part of me wants to adopt Alexander's solution but that would take me down the wrong road.
Now ask yourself how this is different from change, of course it isn't... it's going to be one of those days. I can't fight it - painful as it may be it needs to happen. Feels like I'm riding an edge. Can't look down because if you do that's when the fear hits. Course correction is tricky in this state but I know I'm drifting off course again and looking back I've been off-course for a couple of months at least.
I decided this year I'd adopt a stop-loss approach to what's leeching me and achieved things I didn't expect. What happens when you yourself are one of those people that's leeching your vitality away? I get too drawn in and try to make sense of it because I'm one of those people who finds patterns out of chaos. I keep trying for the wider picture but I'm not even sure it makes any sense.
Incidentally, did anyone else notice the world has gone mad? I mean, Saturnalia isn't for another 2 1/2 weeks but is it normal for a woman, a complete stranger to shout her hotel room number at me last night while I was walking past the Sal? I realised the world is currently so screwed up people have to literally become someone else to release what they're suppressing. The difference between this and change can be measured in about a second following an exhalation.
Practice makes perfect I guess. Have faith. Endure.
I've got a month left of this year to achieve all the things I'd hoped to set out. Within that frame of reference there's things I have to carry on. It's not defeat if you redefine your success I'm told. I need to dream big but make small steps towards that goal in order to reach it.
So what now?
Earlier this week I rediscovered the joys of going to the gym. Today I'm finding out the pains. I have to plan stuff today but another part of me wants to go & pound the cross-trainer into the ground to work out the crap I've been dealing with from the mental stuff but know if I do I'll probably put myself out of whack for a couple of days and I can't take the time out on that particular arena right now.I'm trying to unravel a particularly knotty set of thoughts & self-image stuff and it's proving difficult - part of me wants to adopt Alexander's solution but that would take me down the wrong road.
Now ask yourself how this is different from change, of course it isn't... it's going to be one of those days. I can't fight it - painful as it may be it needs to happen. Feels like I'm riding an edge. Can't look down because if you do that's when the fear hits. Course correction is tricky in this state but I know I'm drifting off course again and looking back I've been off-course for a couple of months at least.
I decided this year I'd adopt a stop-loss approach to what's leeching me and achieved things I didn't expect. What happens when you yourself are one of those people that's leeching your vitality away? I get too drawn in and try to make sense of it because I'm one of those people who finds patterns out of chaos. I keep trying for the wider picture but I'm not even sure it makes any sense.
Incidentally, did anyone else notice the world has gone mad? I mean, Saturnalia isn't for another 2 1/2 weeks but is it normal for a woman, a complete stranger to shout her hotel room number at me last night while I was walking past the Sal? I realised the world is currently so screwed up people have to literally become someone else to release what they're suppressing. The difference between this and change can be measured in about a second following an exhalation.
Practice makes perfect I guess. Have faith. Endure.
I've got a month left of this year to achieve all the things I'd hoped to set out. Within that frame of reference there's things I have to carry on. It's not defeat if you redefine your success I'm told. I need to dream big but make small steps towards that goal in order to reach it.
So what now?