(no subject)

[mcnastyfilth]

At this point I'm pretty much on cruise control. Part of me wants to wait for a sign, period pointblank about anything, and part of me knows I need to make that sign, you feel me? I have been doing the same things and seeing the same people and making the same mistakes. Right now, life is on repeat repeat repeat.  I'm not even gonna delve into my situation with Sierra, or lack there of. Well, not so much a lack. The more time I spend picking his brain or just in his presence period, the more I realize he is all about himself. He cannot be faulted for that, it's just not in my personal nature to be so absorbed in myself that it's to the detriment of my relationships with other people. Last night I was actually over at his place to watch some quantum physics pseudo-science movie about the power of the self starring Marlee Matlin called, "What the Bleep Do We Know." He spent like, the first whole hour on the phone with Baby Mama talking about this, that, and the other. At one point I texted Justine and asked her to please come get me because I didn't wanna be there anymore but I have no idea where Sierra lives so that was pointless. I waited it out and seethed in silence but he knew something was up. He's bright enough to pick up on vibes but not self-aware enough to recognize that his behaviors might be the catalyst in such mood changes. One out of two ain't bad? No, it's totally bad. It's the equivalent of failing. He offered me a foot rub and tried to pinch me and smack me to get my attention but I wasn't having any of it. At one point I realized that my bad mood was only affecting me because obviously he had no clue that his ignoring me while he was on the phone to someone he says he doesn't wanna see anymore pissed me off and I lightened up. For my own sake if nothing else. I'm not even sure of what I'm doing with him anymore. Things get more "serious" while they still remain painfully up in the air and uncertain. I guess that would mean they're not serious in the slightest.

I am still not driving, but my whole entire life is getting to the point where I am overcome with ennui so I've gotta make a move soon or risk some kind of serious clinical mood issues.