Why moms and non-moms have trouble being friends sometimes...
A friend of mine posted this on facebook, saying she "couldn't say it any better."
Really? That's too bad, because being bitter and judgmental is a deeply ironic way to "punish" someone for being bitter and judgmental.
I will allow that I, as a woman with no children, have no idea what motherhood is like. I can observe that everything takes longer. I can observe that pretty much everything is more stressful. I can imagine that mothers have very, very little time to themselves.
So when I call a friend who is a mother and she says, "I'm sorry, but I'm too busy to talk to you" I don't jump to the conclusion that she must be lying or completely ineffective with her time like the wench writing a letter to the columnist above.
On the other hand, when my mom friends *do* have time to talk and they mention the 6 seasons of R rated television they watched last month, or the 80 books they've read since February, or giving themselves a pedicure, or they post to facebook about spending hours walking and talking with another mom friend *without* children present...
I have to assume that "I am too busy to talk to you" really means "You aren't mom enough to understand the real reason I don't feel like talking right now, so I'm going to tell you a white lie and if you don't swallow it, I will lay the mommiest guilt trip that you've ever seen all over you."
The thing is, when we start judging other people we will see their judgments everywhere. Moms are under a lot of pressure from society and from their own internalized standards. It's easy to start resenting anyone who takes your freedom away. If you start to resent your kids, you feel guilty, and then angry, and it is so very easy to take it all out on the next person who dares to judge you.
Or who you think is judging you even if they don't ever say they are.
Or who you think might judge you, if given the chance, so you are going to prevent that possibility by lying to them. And then you have to be careful what you tell them, because they might notice the lie. And so you just avoid talking to them about anything of substance until they start to question the value of calling you at all... and then when you realize they haven't called you in a while, you haul off and shoot them an angry e-mail, text or phone call about why they are a horrible person/bad friend/liar.
Is every mom like this? Absolutely not. Are all these examples drawn from multiple real life experiences? Absolutely yes.
The bottom line here is, if moms start from the assumption that their friends cannot understand what life is like as a parent, they create their own experience of being surrounded by judgmental assholes. If moms were willing to tell the truth and say things like "Hey, this is the first 10 minutes in 3 days that I've had to myself and I don't have the energy to be a good friend to you right now so can I call you back when my children start daycare/school/go through puberty/move out on their own?" they might lose a couple friends - but those would be friends worth losing. By trying to put on a good face and constantly saying "I don't have enough time for you" they risk losing *real* friends who maybe would understand if they were only given the chance.
Really? That's too bad, because being bitter and judgmental is a deeply ironic way to "punish" someone for being bitter and judgmental.
I will allow that I, as a woman with no children, have no idea what motherhood is like. I can observe that everything takes longer. I can observe that pretty much everything is more stressful. I can imagine that mothers have very, very little time to themselves.
So when I call a friend who is a mother and she says, "I'm sorry, but I'm too busy to talk to you" I don't jump to the conclusion that she must be lying or completely ineffective with her time like the wench writing a letter to the columnist above.
On the other hand, when my mom friends *do* have time to talk and they mention the 6 seasons of R rated television they watched last month, or the 80 books they've read since February, or giving themselves a pedicure, or they post to facebook about spending hours walking and talking with another mom friend *without* children present...
I have to assume that "I am too busy to talk to you" really means "You aren't mom enough to understand the real reason I don't feel like talking right now, so I'm going to tell you a white lie and if you don't swallow it, I will lay the mommiest guilt trip that you've ever seen all over you."
The thing is, when we start judging other people we will see their judgments everywhere. Moms are under a lot of pressure from society and from their own internalized standards. It's easy to start resenting anyone who takes your freedom away. If you start to resent your kids, you feel guilty, and then angry, and it is so very easy to take it all out on the next person who dares to judge you.
Or who you think is judging you even if they don't ever say they are.
Or who you think might judge you, if given the chance, so you are going to prevent that possibility by lying to them. And then you have to be careful what you tell them, because they might notice the lie. And so you just avoid talking to them about anything of substance until they start to question the value of calling you at all... and then when you realize they haven't called you in a while, you haul off and shoot them an angry e-mail, text or phone call about why they are a horrible person/bad friend/liar.
Is every mom like this? Absolutely not. Are all these examples drawn from multiple real life experiences? Absolutely yes.
The bottom line here is, if moms start from the assumption that their friends cannot understand what life is like as a parent, they create their own experience of being surrounded by judgmental assholes. If moms were willing to tell the truth and say things like "Hey, this is the first 10 minutes in 3 days that I've had to myself and I don't have the energy to be a good friend to you right now so can I call you back when my children start daycare/school/go through puberty/move out on their own?" they might lose a couple friends - but those would be friends worth losing. By trying to put on a good face and constantly saying "I don't have enough time for you" they risk losing *real* friends who maybe would understand if they were only given the chance.