(no subject)
This is a story I wrote for my friend Sarah...
(Not
blackeyedwicca , but a different Sarah who is a dork because she has no LJ)
I posted it a while back on my MySpace...
It probably won't matter to anyone who doesn't know her, but I'm posting it anyway for lulz...
Sarah's Life
Once upon a time, these two extremely passive people got married. Their last name was Justice. Mrs. Justice soon became pregnant with what was destined to be a very passive and unusual baby.
Meanwhile, in Utah, 14-year-old Jeph was an insane boy scout. He was really good at tying knots and setting up campsites, but he was still teased because he was a really good cook and everyone else's cooking tasted like crap. On a camping trip in the woods, his marshmallow fell into the campfire and he got really pissed off and bit a spider. This spider became infected with Jephitis and accidentally grew wings and flew to North Carolina. But North Carolina was a really long way away, so it took the spider 9 months to get there.
Back at the Justice house, no one was there. It was empty. Like, really, really empty. Really. Really. Really empty. The Justices(isisisiss....) were at this one hospital in room 666, because their baby was going to be a Christian devil child. Yep, that's right: a Christian devil child.
After Mrs. Justice gave Berth --I mean birth-- she decided to name the baby Sarah. Sarah didn't laugh or talk because she was a baby, and babies don't do that stuff.* The hospital people took her to that one big room with all the babies in it. Here, the Jephitis-infected spider was waiting. Waiting for its chance to strike. [Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuun]
When all the hospital people were gone, the spider flew over to Sarah and bit her on her arm, next to her head. She started laughing maniacally and saying "Jeph". She was all like, "Hahaha. Jeph. Hahahahahaha. Jeph."
All of the other babies were like, "Ohmigod! A talking baby!
Babies don't talk!" But Sarah did. Yep, a laughing, talking, breathing baby!
So then Sarah went back to her parents, still laughing and saying "Jeph". Her parents were all, "Who's Jeph?!?" but then they forgot.
After they took Sarah home, she stopped saying "Jeph" and laughing. She started again for about a year after she learned how to talk, because then she could talk, so it was okay. But then she stopped again for a really long time.
One day, Sarah and her mom walked by a poster. Sarah stopped and stared at it. When her mom asked wha was wrong, Sarah simply pointed to a kinda creepy-looking-tattoo-covered guy with big gauges and crazy hair.
"That's Jeph," she said.
"How do you know?" her mom asked, doubtful.
"I just do. And I love him," she replied.
"Whatever," said Sarah's mom, and she walked away, leaving Sarah staring at the poster.
Okay, so now I'm gonna make a time machine...
...Hold on --gimme a sec...
...DONE!
Okay. Now let's get in my time machine. Let's travel to the fyooooooooo-chur!
Okay, so we're in the future, right? It's 2010 in December and Sarah's 18 and Jeph's 31 (which isn't really that old, when you think about it... the age difference isn't that crazy either, compared to some other couples, but that's another story...) Anyways, Sarah was leaving a The Used concert and as ahe rounded the corner she came upon Jeph. They stared at each other for, like, a really long time.
"You're Sarah," Jeph finally said.
"How did you know that?" asked Sarah, "You're not the creepy pedophile/stalker/rapist Jeff."**
"No, I'm not," he said, "And I just know. The dinosai told me."
Then they went to a fancy restaurant and got drunk and, as luck would have it, they were in Vegas, so they got married that same night.
A few months later, Sarah got pregnant, but she decapitated the baby, so Jeph was kinda bummed for a couple of days.
Then everyone died when the world blew up on December 23rd, 2012. Just like the ancient Mayans said it would [dramatic pause] 50 jillion years ago....
The End!
*Just for the record, today Sarah laughs an average of every 10.2 seconds, or approximately 5.8 times per minute. I'm not sure how often she says Jeph, but I'll tell you when I figure it out.
**I meant to spell Jeff with two fs because it isn't Jeph but another, much weirder, Jeff.
Author's Note: I don't actually know Sarah's parents, so their personalities are compilations of what I've heard of them from Sarah, how I'd imagine them to be, and certain aspects of Sarah's personality. Their portrayals are not to be considered accurate. Sarah's personality, however, is spot on. How she is portrayed in this story is how she actually really is in actual real life. I don't personally know Jeph Howard, so his personality is completely fictional (but I think it's pretty darn close...).
(Not
blackeyedwicca , but a different Sarah who is a dork because she has no LJ)
I posted it a while back on my MySpace...
It probably won't matter to anyone who doesn't know her, but I'm posting it anyway for lulz...
Sarah's Life
Once upon a time, these two extremely passive people got married. Their last name was Justice. Mrs. Justice soon became pregnant with what was destined to be a very passive and unusual baby.
Meanwhile, in Utah, 14-year-old Jeph was an insane boy scout. He was really good at tying knots and setting up campsites, but he was still teased because he was a really good cook and everyone else's cooking tasted like crap. On a camping trip in the woods, his marshmallow fell into the campfire and he got really pissed off and bit a spider. This spider became infected with Jephitis and accidentally grew wings and flew to North Carolina. But North Carolina was a really long way away, so it took the spider 9 months to get there.
Back at the Justice house, no one was there. It was empty. Like, really, really empty. Really. Really. Really empty. The Justices(isisisiss....) were at this one hospital in room 666, because their baby was going to be a Christian devil child. Yep, that's right: a Christian devil child.
After Mrs. Justice gave Berth --I mean birth-- she decided to name the baby Sarah. Sarah didn't laugh or talk because she was a baby, and babies don't do that stuff.* The hospital people took her to that one big room with all the babies in it. Here, the Jephitis-infected spider was waiting. Waiting for its chance to strike. [Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuun]
When all the hospital people were gone, the spider flew over to Sarah and bit her on her arm, next to her head. She started laughing maniacally and saying "Jeph". She was all like, "Hahaha. Jeph. Hahahahahaha. Jeph."
All of the other babies were like, "Ohmigod! A talking baby!
Babies don't talk!" But Sarah did. Yep, a laughing, talking, breathing baby!
So then Sarah went back to her parents, still laughing and saying "Jeph". Her parents were all, "Who's Jeph?!?" but then they forgot.
After they took Sarah home, she stopped saying "Jeph" and laughing. She started again for about a year after she learned how to talk, because then she could talk, so it was okay. But then she stopped again for a really long time.
One day, Sarah and her mom walked by a poster. Sarah stopped and stared at it. When her mom asked wha was wrong, Sarah simply pointed to a kinda creepy-looking-tattoo-covered guy with big gauges and crazy hair.
"That's Jeph," she said.
"How do you know?" her mom asked, doubtful.
"I just do. And I love him," she replied.
"Whatever," said Sarah's mom, and she walked away, leaving Sarah staring at the poster.
Okay, so now I'm gonna make a time machine...
...Hold on --gimme a sec...
...DONE!
Okay. Now let's get in my time machine. Let's travel to the fyooooooooo-chur!
Okay, so we're in the future, right? It's 2010 in December and Sarah's 18 and Jeph's 31 (which isn't really that old, when you think about it... the age difference isn't that crazy either, compared to some other couples, but that's another story...) Anyways, Sarah was leaving a The Used concert and as ahe rounded the corner she came upon Jeph. They stared at each other for, like, a really long time.
"You're Sarah," Jeph finally said.
"How did you know that?" asked Sarah, "You're not the creepy pedophile/stalker/rapist Jeff."**
"No, I'm not," he said, "And I just know. The dinosai told me."
Then they went to a fancy restaurant and got drunk and, as luck would have it, they were in Vegas, so they got married that same night.
A few months later, Sarah got pregnant, but she decapitated the baby, so Jeph was kinda bummed for a couple of days.
Then everyone died when the world blew up on December 23rd, 2012. Just like the ancient Mayans said it would [dramatic pause] 50 jillion years ago....
The End!
*Just for the record, today Sarah laughs an average of every 10.2 seconds, or approximately 5.8 times per minute. I'm not sure how often she says Jeph, but I'll tell you when I figure it out.
**I meant to spell Jeff with two fs because it isn't Jeph but another, much weirder, Jeff.
Author's Note: I don't actually know Sarah's parents, so their personalities are compilations of what I've heard of them from Sarah, how I'd imagine them to be, and certain aspects of Sarah's personality. Their portrayals are not to be considered accurate. Sarah's personality, however, is spot on. How she is portrayed in this story is how she actually really is in actual real life. I don't personally know Jeph Howard, so his personality is completely fictional (but I think it's pretty darn close...).