The men in white coats are coming ....
I know it has been a long time since I have written anything and well I honestly can't even remember what the last thing I wrote about was. I am sure part of this is because for the last two weeks my boss took vacation after having his second child and I got left in charge of the dept at work so I essentially had to try and squeeze his job and mine into one. That means finding time to do 10 days worth of work and 80 hours worth of stuff into 40 hours spread over 7 days. I think I lost my mind somewhere in between. I think the other reason I haven't written is because I simply can't keep up with the changes both in my life and my emotions right now.
If I had written you two weeks ago I might have complained that I was ready to pull my hair out because the computer messed up my orders at work and for two days I just couldn't seem to do anything but play catch up. Now if I had written you anything on that Wednesday then well My attitude would have been different and aside from people not showing up I had decided there was simply nothing I could do except my best and work for the rest of the time went pretty easy after that. As of last Monday I thought things were going great. I had gotten compliments from my boss' boss and I thought everything was ok and going well with my children and my home life as well. We had seemed to get into a groove that was working for us and I was actually pretty content even though I didn't seem to have any free time at all. By Friday my boss was back and outside of having some pretty good size financial problems for the week I thought all was ok. By Saturday I was back in stress land over things here at the house and it had become apparent that once again things seem to go smother and easier when I was around less. Hard to cope with and deal with emotionally when all that you feel you are good for is a paycheck and nothing else. By Sunday afternoon I was completely exhausted. With it being Super Bowl weekend the store was packed, (we did over 107,000 dollars just on Saturday and my dept had done just over 8,000 of it ourselves.) Sunday was none the slower and I spent my entire day running trying to fill up the holes on the shelves and then running a register trying to get the people out the door so that they stayed happy and didn't have to wait in line. Needless to say the customers won this battle and well I got the glory of cleaning up messes all day today.
The worst of everything though didn't happen until Sunday evening. We went to my sisters house for the evening and while over there my nephew and my oldest started arguing over Yu-Gi-Oh Cards. (Explanation for those that don't know they are collectible cards that you can also play a battle like card game with.) Well trying to break up the argument I told my Son that all the cards that were there were staying there and did so before I looked at what they were arguing over. As it turns out (I looked after I spoke) the cards were actually mine. They were some of the first ones that had ever been released and well as the children got them I kinda confiscated them and tucked them away in my room ... hidden of course .. because of how rare and valuable they had become. Turns out my oldest had gone through my stuff and had been stealing from me once again. This could be dealt with in time but it gets worse. After getting the cards taken away (Yes .. they still stayed with my nephew) he argued with me and my sister and I admitadley gave him a smack across the face for talking back and arguing. Well he sat down and cried and then as my sister tried to console him he made some comments that could not be ignored.
Please understand for privacy sake of everyone involved (especially him and his mother) that I can not repeat what it was he said. I can say it resulted in an immidiate phone call to his mother and multiple conversation both last night and today. I can say that what he said and talked about can be nothing more then a cry for help from a very depressed child. EVERYTHING under the sun has been discussed when dealing with this and well the stress of it is driving me crazy. There has been conversation of him and his brothers being pulled from school and taking an early vacation to see their mother. There has been conversation of them going to stay with her permenantly and only coming to visit me. We have discussed me moving back to NY with the kids and quiting this career (one that I might add I really like) and trying to find something in that area so they can be closer to her and see her more often. We have discussed her moving this way and eventually living either here in KC or in STL. Like I said we have discussed quite a bit in the last 24 hours and still no solutions or final ideas.
In the mean time the same issues that are causing these problems still continue and well even though one of his chief complaints was being in his room all the time that is still where all of us have spent the majority of the night because of other people in the house hold. In the mean time the stress of the situation as normal and all of the new problems with my son on top of it have driven me over the edge.
I feel like a rotten parent who has let his son down and as of right now do not have a solution in hand to fix the problem. Common tasks such as fixing dinner and washing clothes have become a battle over the last two months and no matter how I try to rearrange my schedule it does not seem to work out. Tonight I wanted to cook dinner but by the time I got home at 4:30 the kitchen was being used and extra people were not welcome. (This is not normal by any means) Clothing is piling up because I have 5 peoples clothes to was and they have four but they do all of their separitly so although the loads are smaller there are more of them. I have often considered taking on a second job in order to help give us more help financially but that also means taking more time from my kids and asking more responsibility from my eldest considering the other four adults in the house don't or won't raise a finger to help out. Once again though both of these things fall under his current complaints about his situation and why he is depressed. He complains of not enough attention and too much responsibility and neither of those things are solved by taking on a second job.
As the stress over comes me I feel more and more exhausted and simple things like the children being in my room with me or them playing with their legos becomes a button pusher because I simply cannot handle the stress anymore. When they are in my room it means that at least one of them is on top of me or standing within a foot of me watching what I am doing just as my third son Shadowe does now. For a person that is somewhat clostraphobic and what not this is not a good thing. Not to mention when it comes to my older two I feel like they read everything I write and then feel uncomfortable saying anything at all.
I honestly have no idea of what to do. The mess that is this house bothers me because I am a clean freak by nature and have major OCD's that get violated every minute and well people just don't understand how I can get so worked up over something so small so I end up burying it inside and it is slowly eating me away. I know most of you are laughing by now but for me small things like the trash not being emptied when the bag is full or a towel setting on the floor in the bathroom just irritates and eats at a person that has an OCD about those things. So I pick up the towels and I take out the trash but in the mean time the fact that I had to do it in the first place or the fact that there is no real place to put the towels besides a pile in the corner (another OCD = can't stand piles of clothing) I am pretty much out of luck.
Anyways that is my life right now. I am pretty sure that the men in white coats are going to pull up at any minute to take me away and well I could probably make an entire post about my various OCD's and really give everyone a good laugh. I need to try and find soemthing to release this stress though and although I thought wriitng would work it just isn't cutting it right now.
If I had written you two weeks ago I might have complained that I was ready to pull my hair out because the computer messed up my orders at work and for two days I just couldn't seem to do anything but play catch up. Now if I had written you anything on that Wednesday then well My attitude would have been different and aside from people not showing up I had decided there was simply nothing I could do except my best and work for the rest of the time went pretty easy after that. As of last Monday I thought things were going great. I had gotten compliments from my boss' boss and I thought everything was ok and going well with my children and my home life as well. We had seemed to get into a groove that was working for us and I was actually pretty content even though I didn't seem to have any free time at all. By Friday my boss was back and outside of having some pretty good size financial problems for the week I thought all was ok. By Saturday I was back in stress land over things here at the house and it had become apparent that once again things seem to go smother and easier when I was around less. Hard to cope with and deal with emotionally when all that you feel you are good for is a paycheck and nothing else. By Sunday afternoon I was completely exhausted. With it being Super Bowl weekend the store was packed, (we did over 107,000 dollars just on Saturday and my dept had done just over 8,000 of it ourselves.) Sunday was none the slower and I spent my entire day running trying to fill up the holes on the shelves and then running a register trying to get the people out the door so that they stayed happy and didn't have to wait in line. Needless to say the customers won this battle and well I got the glory of cleaning up messes all day today.
The worst of everything though didn't happen until Sunday evening. We went to my sisters house for the evening and while over there my nephew and my oldest started arguing over Yu-Gi-Oh Cards. (Explanation for those that don't know they are collectible cards that you can also play a battle like card game with.) Well trying to break up the argument I told my Son that all the cards that were there were staying there and did so before I looked at what they were arguing over. As it turns out (I looked after I spoke) the cards were actually mine. They were some of the first ones that had ever been released and well as the children got them I kinda confiscated them and tucked them away in my room ... hidden of course .. because of how rare and valuable they had become. Turns out my oldest had gone through my stuff and had been stealing from me once again. This could be dealt with in time but it gets worse. After getting the cards taken away (Yes .. they still stayed with my nephew) he argued with me and my sister and I admitadley gave him a smack across the face for talking back and arguing. Well he sat down and cried and then as my sister tried to console him he made some comments that could not be ignored.
Please understand for privacy sake of everyone involved (especially him and his mother) that I can not repeat what it was he said. I can say it resulted in an immidiate phone call to his mother and multiple conversation both last night and today. I can say that what he said and talked about can be nothing more then a cry for help from a very depressed child. EVERYTHING under the sun has been discussed when dealing with this and well the stress of it is driving me crazy. There has been conversation of him and his brothers being pulled from school and taking an early vacation to see their mother. There has been conversation of them going to stay with her permenantly and only coming to visit me. We have discussed me moving back to NY with the kids and quiting this career (one that I might add I really like) and trying to find something in that area so they can be closer to her and see her more often. We have discussed her moving this way and eventually living either here in KC or in STL. Like I said we have discussed quite a bit in the last 24 hours and still no solutions or final ideas.
In the mean time the same issues that are causing these problems still continue and well even though one of his chief complaints was being in his room all the time that is still where all of us have spent the majority of the night because of other people in the house hold. In the mean time the stress of the situation as normal and all of the new problems with my son on top of it have driven me over the edge.
I feel like a rotten parent who has let his son down and as of right now do not have a solution in hand to fix the problem. Common tasks such as fixing dinner and washing clothes have become a battle over the last two months and no matter how I try to rearrange my schedule it does not seem to work out. Tonight I wanted to cook dinner but by the time I got home at 4:30 the kitchen was being used and extra people were not welcome. (This is not normal by any means) Clothing is piling up because I have 5 peoples clothes to was and they have four but they do all of their separitly so although the loads are smaller there are more of them. I have often considered taking on a second job in order to help give us more help financially but that also means taking more time from my kids and asking more responsibility from my eldest considering the other four adults in the house don't or won't raise a finger to help out. Once again though both of these things fall under his current complaints about his situation and why he is depressed. He complains of not enough attention and too much responsibility and neither of those things are solved by taking on a second job.
As the stress over comes me I feel more and more exhausted and simple things like the children being in my room with me or them playing with their legos becomes a button pusher because I simply cannot handle the stress anymore. When they are in my room it means that at least one of them is on top of me or standing within a foot of me watching what I am doing just as my third son Shadowe does now. For a person that is somewhat clostraphobic and what not this is not a good thing. Not to mention when it comes to my older two I feel like they read everything I write and then feel uncomfortable saying anything at all.
I honestly have no idea of what to do. The mess that is this house bothers me because I am a clean freak by nature and have major OCD's that get violated every minute and well people just don't understand how I can get so worked up over something so small so I end up burying it inside and it is slowly eating me away. I know most of you are laughing by now but for me small things like the trash not being emptied when the bag is full or a towel setting on the floor in the bathroom just irritates and eats at a person that has an OCD about those things. So I pick up the towels and I take out the trash but in the mean time the fact that I had to do it in the first place or the fact that there is no real place to put the towels besides a pile in the corner (another OCD = can't stand piles of clothing) I am pretty much out of luck.
Anyways that is my life right now. I am pretty sure that the men in white coats are going to pull up at any minute to take me away and well I could probably make an entire post about my various OCD's and really give everyone a good laugh. I need to try and find soemthing to release this stress though and although I thought wriitng would work it just isn't cutting it right now.