I need this out of my brain and not just in a notebook.

[mckilla]

Posting because I found out an old LJ friend is engaged to my last boyfriend. This dude made us go to his prior girlfriends jobs almost weekly while we dated even when I said I thought it was a shitty thing to do and made me uncomfortable. I got him a job at the sister store to my cafe and he attempted to work AT MINE without telling me. When I saw his name on the schedule I threatened to quit and he promised to STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. In January, I ended up in the psych ward and started intensive weekly therapy which did not bode well for my schedule. He started sneaking in to be a part of coffee tastings those two Mondays I missed. When he walked in the first time after I returned I had a breakdown and was sobbing at the cash register when my boss said I could leave early. I was told to get a RESTRAINING ORDER if I wanted to prevent him being there. Less than 4 days later our schedule was updated to show him working a shift that I had off. When I immediately reached out to my boss, I was told he WOULD be working at my job, and I COULD NOT change my schedule to avoid seeing him. For the first time in my life I quit, without two weeks notice, in an email. He had never worked a job between 19 and 38 because he was very, very wealthy. His mother, whom he had lived with his entire life with a room just for toys, used a cpap machine to breathe at night. He was well aware of my mental health struggles, knew I spent 1/4 of my income on health insurance and owed thousands in medical bills. I NEEDED that job and he did not. I knew I could never trust my boss, Charles, or the Vasquez family who own A Baked Joint and Vaked and Wired. I proceeded to take 4 times the seroquel I’m prescribed because I wanted to really make sure I wouldn’t wake up for my shift and feel guilty at all. Luckily I was sober at the time, and maintained that for months. I thought my anger would subside with lots of therapy, walking, a new job, and a fair amount of dating given the pandemic.

Then I heard he was engaged. I imagined a fellow chubby alt girl with a cool job who has friends, unlike him but I couldn’t imagine who would fall for his toxic, creepy bullshit enough to want to marry him. Then I found out it was a sick Baltimore HC friend who kinda dated Alan at one time. Alan who stole my credit card, threatened suicide regularly and tried to physically fight me after waking me up on a work night while visiting when he brought a party back to my apartment.

Girl, what the fuck is wrong with you to crave attention from the worst humans I’ve experienced in my life???