i can't go on (PG-13)
Title: I can't go on.
Author: Lorientad
Pairing: mckay/sheppard
warning: a little angst
disclaimer: sadly, i don't own them.
this story wasn't beta read. feedback appreciated.
{I can’t do it anymore}, thought John looking at Rodney, through the window of the main lab. {I love him so much.} he sighed. {the worse is that he doesn’t even see me like a man. For him, I’m only a soldier, a ^doohickey-light-up^.} he snorted at that thought. {Lorne and his sentence. Well, it’s true enough.} He left the corridor and went to his favorite place, the balcony on the far east of the city where no one ever went. {I don’t have a choice}, he sighed, leaning on the railing, toward the water, looking at it dejectedly. {with constant contact with Earth, I can ask for a transfer. I know the SGC will take me, since I talked with Landry.} he fought the tears that were trying to fall. {I don’t want to leave them, Atlantis, Teyla, Ronon, the others… Rodney!} he sighed at that name. {but I can’t stay… it hurts too much.}. He stared at the depth of the ocean surrounding his city.
{seeing him… but unable to touch him… I dread the day he’ll find someone to love. What can I do? I’m not brave enough to face him and not enough to stay anymore.} he stayed there a long time, then went to his room where he let himself fall on the bed. {I lived with those feelings for a long time, now.} he thought looking at the ceiling. {but more the time is passing, the worse this pain is.} lying on the bed, he put a hand on the wall. {I’m sorry, my lady} he thought to Atlantis. {but I can’t go on, I know you’ll understand.}. Before falling asleep, it seemed to him that Atlantis’ murmur at the back of his head was sad but gentle and encouraging. He fell asleep with a little shy smile, hoping that all will be better.
He woke up feeling a little better, relieved to have reached a decision. After the breakfast, he went to find Elizabeth.
« Elizabeth, can I talk to you… privately? »
Elizabeth looked at him wondering and nodded toward her office. They sat down.
« I’d like to be transferred. I know you’ll gate Earth in two days.
- but John, why? » she asked flabbergasted and sad.
John stiffened.
« It’s personal. I’ll be with the SGC, Landry okayed it.
-okay. Who’ll take over?
- Evan Lorne. Before you ask, he knows. »
She frowned.
« why are they knowing and not me? Why inform me so late?
-because I talked with them in theory. And because I’ve only accepted to take this step yesterday.
-are you sure? »
John sighed and leaned forward.
« yes. It wasn’t easy to take this decision. As you know I love this City. Maybe one day I’ll come back but for now… »
She looked at him with understanding.
« is it because of Rodney? »
John sat there silently, she sighed.
« all right. It’s approved. But what will you tell to your team? »
He sighed.
« don’t know yet. It’ll be hard but I think Teyla and Ronon will understand.
- and Rodney? »
John snorted.
« he’ll be pissed as hell, because I won’t be here anymore to play with his things, but apart for that…
- John! » exclaimed Elizabeth.
« you can’t tell me you really believe that. He’s your friend.
-I know, I‘m unfair, but… » he shrugged.
« okay! I understand. It’s your life.
- thanks Elizabeth. I’ll miss you.
- I’ll miss you too. »
He left to go to his room and started organizing his packing before going to Teyla and Ronon to explain what will happen. They understood, were sad but they knew why. In the evening, he started his packing knowing that the following day would be exhausting, when McKay called him to his lab, John opened his com and said.
« I’m not on duty. Call someone else from now on.
- how come you’re not on duty? And even if… Colonel, I need you…
- no…you don’t need me. You need my gene as usual. » he said bitterly.
« what do you mean? » asked McKay, sounding surprised.
« exactly what I said. I’m only a gene for you. Now, go bother someone else, I need to finish my packing.
-PACKING?!
- yes, packing. » with that said, he cut off his com. He sighed, thinking { not how I’d have liked it to go, but God he always manage to set me off.}. He sat down on his bed looking around him sadly. {it’s really the first time that I’ll regret leaving a post, oh well…} his thoughts were interrupted by someone knocking at his door, he opened it, only to find Rodney on his doorstep. He sighed before collecting himself behind his mask.
« what do you want? » he snapped.
« an explanation. » snarled McKay, forcing Sheppard aside to step in the room.
« I don’t have to give you one. I’m a big boy. » he said coldly.
McKay seemed to deflate at that, he sat down on a chair.
« why? I thought you loved this City. » he asked slowly.
« I love it. Believe me it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. » he gently replied.
« so why?
- I don’t have to explain. But I have to go. » trying to stay calm.
McKay looked at him, with wide blue eyes, misting over.
« will you come back? » he said with a soft voice.
« I don’t know. » replied John sincerely.
« but… I don’t understand… is… » he swallowed. « is it something I’ve done? »
John was taken aback. {I didn’t thought he’d take it this bad.} he thought looking at the man before him.
« no, it’s not you. I need to get away for awhile.
- so you’ll come back? » asked McKay with a little voice.
« eventually. » said John shrugging.
« but.. » began Rodney, then he looked at John closed face and stopped, standing up. « as you wish! »
He went to the door, he stopped but didn’t turn toward John.
« but you misunderstood me. I need YOU, John. ONLY YOU and not your gene. » he said before leaving. John sat down, surprised and trying to stifle the hope.
Suddenly, he stood up and ran to Rodney’s room, knowing his friend would be there. He didn’t bother to knock and opened the door; the vision before him was astounding. Rodney was sitting on his bed, head between hands, visibly shaking with the effort to not cry. John was before him in a flash, he knelt and took one of Rodney’s hand between his, letting his feelings shows and tears fall.
« oh God! I’m sorry! » he whispered afraid to spook Rodney. « I need you too… I… » he took a deep breath. « I love you… that’s why I am leaving. »
Rodney was looking at John’s crying face.
« I don’t understand » voice shaking with hope and despair. John sighed trying to compose himself.
« I’m in love you since so long… I can’t go on… » he stood up, facing away from Rodney, shaking.
« It hurt so much…being so near and unable to do anything… if I stay here, I’m going to go insane or worse… » John’s voice broke, Rodney stood up and took him in his arms, face in John’s neck.
« I’m sorry John. I didn’t think that you could felt the same. When you told me you were packing… I panicked…I love you so much. And I can understand your pain… » he turned John toward him, locking his blue eyes with John’s hazel one. « I feel it too. »
John laced his arms around Rodney’s neck and hid his face against it.
« God! So long… »
Rodney tightened his arms and whispered.
« what do you want from me? »
John shook.
« nothing… all of you… all you can give me… I love you… my heart, my soul… even my life are yours. »
Astounded by so much feelings from John, Rodney began crying even as he brought John’s lips to his own for a deep, slow kiss. After breaking it, Rodney looked at John.
« all of me… and more… all of it is for you. It always has been. My heart beat for you, my soul sing for you and my life » he sighed. « my life is nothing without you in it.
- oh God! My love! »
He kissed Rodney with passion and love. They separated and Rodney looked at John seriously.
« will you stay? »
John stepped away.
« I still want to go… »
He saw Rodney’s face fell, he put a hand on his cheek.
« no my love! Don’t worry. Only for a little vacation time and… »
Rodney led him to his bed where they sat next to each other.
« and? »
John bit his lips.
« well! Maybe it’s too soon. But I’d like to give you all I have. Even my pension, if something happened. »
Rodney took him in his arms.
« I’ll go with you. I’ll do the same, all my estates will be at both our names. »
John looked at him, still hesitating.
« when we come back, would you.. » his voice broke, he faced away. Rodney took his chin to make him look at him.
« what? You can tell me… don’t be afraid, nothing can make me run. »
John took a deep breath and looking at Rodney, he smiled shyly.
« would you like to live with me?
- yes! » said Rodney immediately.
John kissed him so passionately that Rodney ended lying on his back. They stayed lying close, whispering.
« Have you already been with a man, John?
- yes. But it was always one nights stand, I couldn’t take the risk.
- I don’t know for you. But I, for one, would like to take my time. All my past experience were rushed and they all ended badly.
- I’d like that too. With men, it’s something I never had.
- me neither. So it’ll be new for us. »
John nodded and bit his lips, hesitant. Rodney smiled gently.
« what?
- can I stay tonight? » he asked then said rapidly.
« because if I wake up in my room alone, I’ll think that it was a dream. »
Rodney kissed him and held him tightly.
« of course you can. Tomorrow we will talk to Elizabeth. »
John nodded and settled comfortably next to Rodney, his head on Rodney’s chest. They fell asleep with every thing in contact.
In the morning they went to see dr. Weir in her office.
« what now? » she asked, John looked down, Rodney took his hand and smirked.
« John will leave as I…
- what? » she interrupted.
« wait, let me finish. We’ll leave for vacation time, we have some paper to do. »
John looked at her, encouraged by Rodney.
« and when we come back, we’ll ask for shared quarters. » he said.
Elizabeth looked at them relieved and happy.
« congrats! I’m relieved. Alright! I’ll notify the right people. Departure tomorrow at 8 AM.
- thanks Liz. »
They exited and Rodney turned toward John.
« we must tell Teyla and Ronon. »
John nodded.
« they are at the gym, come on. »
They went to the gym, where they found the two sparring. They waited for them to finish. Teyla turned toward them.
« is everything alright, Colonel? Are you still leaving?
- yes, but I’ll come back.
- why this change? » asked Ronon. John blushed, Rodney grinned.
« for me. He’s coming back to be with me. » said Rodney.
Teyla smiled and Ronon smirked.
« I’m pleased for you.
- thanks » said McKay. « well I’ll go packing. We’ll see you two when we return. »
They left the gym and Rodney went packing and notified Zelenka of the recent developments. The rest of the day went uneventfully. They left the following morning.
Author: Lorientad
Pairing: mckay/sheppard
warning: a little angst
disclaimer: sadly, i don't own them.
this story wasn't beta read. feedback appreciated.
{I can’t do it anymore}, thought John looking at Rodney, through the window of the main lab. {I love him so much.} he sighed. {the worse is that he doesn’t even see me like a man. For him, I’m only a soldier, a ^doohickey-light-up^.} he snorted at that thought. {Lorne and his sentence. Well, it’s true enough.} He left the corridor and went to his favorite place, the balcony on the far east of the city where no one ever went. {I don’t have a choice}, he sighed, leaning on the railing, toward the water, looking at it dejectedly. {with constant contact with Earth, I can ask for a transfer. I know the SGC will take me, since I talked with Landry.} he fought the tears that were trying to fall. {I don’t want to leave them, Atlantis, Teyla, Ronon, the others… Rodney!} he sighed at that name. {but I can’t stay… it hurts too much.}. He stared at the depth of the ocean surrounding his city.
{seeing him… but unable to touch him… I dread the day he’ll find someone to love. What can I do? I’m not brave enough to face him and not enough to stay anymore.} he stayed there a long time, then went to his room where he let himself fall on the bed. {I lived with those feelings for a long time, now.} he thought looking at the ceiling. {but more the time is passing, the worse this pain is.} lying on the bed, he put a hand on the wall. {I’m sorry, my lady} he thought to Atlantis. {but I can’t go on, I know you’ll understand.}. Before falling asleep, it seemed to him that Atlantis’ murmur at the back of his head was sad but gentle and encouraging. He fell asleep with a little shy smile, hoping that all will be better.
He woke up feeling a little better, relieved to have reached a decision. After the breakfast, he went to find Elizabeth.
« Elizabeth, can I talk to you… privately? »
Elizabeth looked at him wondering and nodded toward her office. They sat down.
« I’d like to be transferred. I know you’ll gate Earth in two days.
- but John, why? » she asked flabbergasted and sad.
John stiffened.
« It’s personal. I’ll be with the SGC, Landry okayed it.
-okay. Who’ll take over?
- Evan Lorne. Before you ask, he knows. »
She frowned.
« why are they knowing and not me? Why inform me so late?
-because I talked with them in theory. And because I’ve only accepted to take this step yesterday.
-are you sure? »
John sighed and leaned forward.
« yes. It wasn’t easy to take this decision. As you know I love this City. Maybe one day I’ll come back but for now… »
She looked at him with understanding.
« is it because of Rodney? »
John sat there silently, she sighed.
« all right. It’s approved. But what will you tell to your team? »
He sighed.
« don’t know yet. It’ll be hard but I think Teyla and Ronon will understand.
- and Rodney? »
John snorted.
« he’ll be pissed as hell, because I won’t be here anymore to play with his things, but apart for that…
- John! » exclaimed Elizabeth.
« you can’t tell me you really believe that. He’s your friend.
-I know, I‘m unfair, but… » he shrugged.
« okay! I understand. It’s your life.
- thanks Elizabeth. I’ll miss you.
- I’ll miss you too. »
He left to go to his room and started organizing his packing before going to Teyla and Ronon to explain what will happen. They understood, were sad but they knew why. In the evening, he started his packing knowing that the following day would be exhausting, when McKay called him to his lab, John opened his com and said.
« I’m not on duty. Call someone else from now on.
- how come you’re not on duty? And even if… Colonel, I need you…
- no…you don’t need me. You need my gene as usual. » he said bitterly.
« what do you mean? » asked McKay, sounding surprised.
« exactly what I said. I’m only a gene for you. Now, go bother someone else, I need to finish my packing.
-PACKING?!
- yes, packing. » with that said, he cut off his com. He sighed, thinking { not how I’d have liked it to go, but God he always manage to set me off.}. He sat down on his bed looking around him sadly. {it’s really the first time that I’ll regret leaving a post, oh well…} his thoughts were interrupted by someone knocking at his door, he opened it, only to find Rodney on his doorstep. He sighed before collecting himself behind his mask.
« what do you want? » he snapped.
« an explanation. » snarled McKay, forcing Sheppard aside to step in the room.
« I don’t have to give you one. I’m a big boy. » he said coldly.
McKay seemed to deflate at that, he sat down on a chair.
« why? I thought you loved this City. » he asked slowly.
« I love it. Believe me it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. » he gently replied.
« so why?
- I don’t have to explain. But I have to go. » trying to stay calm.
McKay looked at him, with wide blue eyes, misting over.
« will you come back? » he said with a soft voice.
« I don’t know. » replied John sincerely.
« but… I don’t understand… is… » he swallowed. « is it something I’ve done? »
John was taken aback. {I didn’t thought he’d take it this bad.} he thought looking at the man before him.
« no, it’s not you. I need to get away for awhile.
- so you’ll come back? » asked McKay with a little voice.
« eventually. » said John shrugging.
« but.. » began Rodney, then he looked at John closed face and stopped, standing up. « as you wish! »
He went to the door, he stopped but didn’t turn toward John.
« but you misunderstood me. I need YOU, John. ONLY YOU and not your gene. » he said before leaving. John sat down, surprised and trying to stifle the hope.
Suddenly, he stood up and ran to Rodney’s room, knowing his friend would be there. He didn’t bother to knock and opened the door; the vision before him was astounding. Rodney was sitting on his bed, head between hands, visibly shaking with the effort to not cry. John was before him in a flash, he knelt and took one of Rodney’s hand between his, letting his feelings shows and tears fall.
« oh God! I’m sorry! » he whispered afraid to spook Rodney. « I need you too… I… » he took a deep breath. « I love you… that’s why I am leaving. »
Rodney was looking at John’s crying face.
« I don’t understand » voice shaking with hope and despair. John sighed trying to compose himself.
« I’m in love you since so long… I can’t go on… » he stood up, facing away from Rodney, shaking.
« It hurt so much…being so near and unable to do anything… if I stay here, I’m going to go insane or worse… » John’s voice broke, Rodney stood up and took him in his arms, face in John’s neck.
« I’m sorry John. I didn’t think that you could felt the same. When you told me you were packing… I panicked…I love you so much. And I can understand your pain… » he turned John toward him, locking his blue eyes with John’s hazel one. « I feel it too. »
John laced his arms around Rodney’s neck and hid his face against it.
« God! So long… »
Rodney tightened his arms and whispered.
« what do you want from me? »
John shook.
« nothing… all of you… all you can give me… I love you… my heart, my soul… even my life are yours. »
Astounded by so much feelings from John, Rodney began crying even as he brought John’s lips to his own for a deep, slow kiss. After breaking it, Rodney looked at John.
« all of me… and more… all of it is for you. It always has been. My heart beat for you, my soul sing for you and my life » he sighed. « my life is nothing without you in it.
- oh God! My love! »
He kissed Rodney with passion and love. They separated and Rodney looked at John seriously.
« will you stay? »
John stepped away.
« I still want to go… »
He saw Rodney’s face fell, he put a hand on his cheek.
« no my love! Don’t worry. Only for a little vacation time and… »
Rodney led him to his bed where they sat next to each other.
« and? »
John bit his lips.
« well! Maybe it’s too soon. But I’d like to give you all I have. Even my pension, if something happened. »
Rodney took him in his arms.
« I’ll go with you. I’ll do the same, all my estates will be at both our names. »
John looked at him, still hesitating.
« when we come back, would you.. » his voice broke, he faced away. Rodney took his chin to make him look at him.
« what? You can tell me… don’t be afraid, nothing can make me run. »
John took a deep breath and looking at Rodney, he smiled shyly.
« would you like to live with me?
- yes! » said Rodney immediately.
John kissed him so passionately that Rodney ended lying on his back. They stayed lying close, whispering.
« Have you already been with a man, John?
- yes. But it was always one nights stand, I couldn’t take the risk.
- I don’t know for you. But I, for one, would like to take my time. All my past experience were rushed and they all ended badly.
- I’d like that too. With men, it’s something I never had.
- me neither. So it’ll be new for us. »
John nodded and bit his lips, hesitant. Rodney smiled gently.
« what?
- can I stay tonight? » he asked then said rapidly.
« because if I wake up in my room alone, I’ll think that it was a dream. »
Rodney kissed him and held him tightly.
« of course you can. Tomorrow we will talk to Elizabeth. »
John nodded and settled comfortably next to Rodney, his head on Rodney’s chest. They fell asleep with every thing in contact.
In the morning they went to see dr. Weir in her office.
« what now? » she asked, John looked down, Rodney took his hand and smirked.
« John will leave as I…
- what? » she interrupted.
« wait, let me finish. We’ll leave for vacation time, we have some paper to do. »
John looked at her, encouraged by Rodney.
« and when we come back, we’ll ask for shared quarters. » he said.
Elizabeth looked at them relieved and happy.
« congrats! I’m relieved. Alright! I’ll notify the right people. Departure tomorrow at 8 AM.
- thanks Liz. »
They exited and Rodney turned toward John.
« we must tell Teyla and Ronon. »
John nodded.
« they are at the gym, come on. »
They went to the gym, where they found the two sparring. They waited for them to finish. Teyla turned toward them.
« is everything alright, Colonel? Are you still leaving?
- yes, but I’ll come back.
- why this change? » asked Ronon. John blushed, Rodney grinned.
« for me. He’s coming back to be with me. » said Rodney.
Teyla smiled and Ronon smirked.
« I’m pleased for you.
- thanks » said McKay. « well I’ll go packing. We’ll see you two when we return. »
They left the gym and Rodney went packing and notified Zelenka of the recent developments. The rest of the day went uneventfully. They left the following morning.