The Opossum
This is from March 2005, stolen from the jaeni journal when it used to be my personal one. It's funny, if kind of long.
Here you see a young Kelly Herzog involved in totally omgwtfness. ;)
So. Today a opossum tried to eat my face off. Okay, it was a little less dramatic than that. But you're hooked now, right?
Afterschool, Valeri, Laura and I were in Valeri's car, going to 7-11. Driving down my street, we pass this enclosed fenced in area that's across from the sump. I look out the window and see... a opossum impaled on a fence? Valeri turns the car around and we pull up to it again.
Many questions were asked: Is it dead ? Does it have rabies? Is it impaled on the fence? How did it get up there? Valeri, do you have a camera?
The solution to this of course is to call my mom up. We call her and she tells me to poke it with a stick. Poke. It. With. A. Stick. That it's probably just stuck up there and doesn't know how to get down. So I'm like: Fine. I'll poke it with a stick.
Laura and I get out of the car, because we're brave (note: sarcasm) and Valeri hid inside and watched us. Laura spots the stick we're going to use, as she's going to go get it, I pause and stare at this thing. I'm about three feet away, when it suddenly stands up and begins to snarl at me from its spot on the fence where it is apparently not impaled and not dead. I made a horrified noise, because it was damn scary. Laura is behind me, screaming. The oppossum is now getting ready to fly off the fence and eat me. We both run back into the car.
This is where we're supposed to make our speedy get away. Laura is shouting: GOGOGOGOGO!!! WHY ARE WE STILL HERE?!?! ... Why? Because Valeri is in a fit of laughter at our misfortune and terror, and at the fact that both of us now have premature grey hair.
Well... it might have been a regular day...
until..... WE WERE ALMOST KILLED BY AN OPOSSUM! AHHH!!!!!
So, school's over... Valeri and Kelly and I decide to take a ride. Maybe go to Sev's, maybe get some food at the White Castleee.....
But then we pass by an.... OPOSSUM IMPALED ON A CHAIN LINK FENCE.
But wait... was it really dead? So we turn around and go back.... pull over, and of course, take a picture with Valeri's phone.
WAIT HOLY SHIT, THAT OPOSSUM TURNED ITS HEAD TO LOOK AT ME! and it's balding! AHHH!!! What do we do? Call Kelly's mom! She says to poke it with a stick, maybe it's stuck, knock it off the fence. Mistake number 1 was Kelly and I getting out of the car. Valeri took the smart road and stayed put safely inside her metal cage. So we circle it... look for a stick, move in and suddenly.
HISSS!!!!! IT REARS BACK AND SNARLS LIKE CUJO. I swear to God, I have never seen an uglier face on an animal ever. So I scream "AHH!!!!! GET IN THE CAR!" and we do, but Valeri is laughing too hard to ......
"DRIVE, VALERI! WHY ARE WE STILL HERE?!"
That thing almost KILLED Kelly. She could have DIED. And I would have had to tell her mom that her daughter had been felled by a snarling, balding, rabid, obviously not nocturnal OPOSSUM.
So obviously, we have a new inside joke that we'll overuse but never get sick of.
But now I'm going, so watch out for angry marsupials. ;)
You'd think that was the end right? We'd drive off and that would be it? No. There's more to this story. We did in fact drive off and that was the last the three of us saw of the opossum. Not the same for my mom though!
She came rushing to the rescue only minutes after we left the scene because she was sure I'd poked the opossum and gotten bitten and had rabies.
When she gets there she finds that the poor creature is surrounded by: Three cop cars, an ambulance and three cops all with their guns drawn.
She comes running across the street with a box and told them to freeze. They were like: What are you doing here? And she points at our furry friend and says: I'm here for /him/.
They tell my mom that they're going to shoot the opossum because he's so clearly suffering. Meanwhile he's getting ready to launch off the fence again and eat someone. She tells them that he's got good color, forget /shooting/ him and that she'll be taking him to the animal hospital. XD They whip out the rabies poles and catch the tree next to the animal pretty good, but my mom has to rip away the branches to help them out. They finally got him into the box and she took him to Greco's.
He checked out clean, nothing wrong with him other than some scrapes and an eye infection. She said he had perfect teeth so he must have been a young guy too. Then they let him go.
vivaciousvalerii: LMFAO!
vivaciousvalerii: OMFG!
vivaciousvalerii: KELLYS MOM!
BrandoniaSparab: what?
vivaciousvalerii: SHE WENT THERE AND!
vivaciousvalerii: There were 3 cop cars animal control and an ambulance and they were going to shoot it!
BrandoniaSparab: oh my god.
vivaciousvalerii: LOL
vivaciousvalerii: so her mopm jumps out of her car and says "FREEZE!"
BrandoniaSparab: .....................................
vivaciousvalerii: It's just too funny
vivaciousvalerii: all in all she took it and it was fine!
BrandoniaSparab: are you SERIOUS?!
vivaciousvalerii: L:OL!
BrandoniaSparab: it's not at Kelly's house is it? It's at Greco's office, right?
vivaciousvalerii: they let it go
BrandoniaSparab: oh, thank god.
vivaciousvalerii: it had an eye infection that was it
BrandoniaSparab: WHAT?! IT HAD AN EYE INFECTION?!
vivaciousvalerii: she said that it probably got chassed there by a dog and then there was too much activty to not be scared to get down
BrandoniaSparab: Nah-uh. That thing was crazed. Eye infection doesn't begin to cover it.
BrandoniaSparab: wow... I can't believe that.
BrandoniaSparab: Where did they let it go?
vivaciousvalerii: behind grecios
BrandoniaSparab: My God. Kelly's mom is... like.... Xena.
**********************************************************************************
BrandoniaSparab: holy crap...
Jarkfwaaa88: OMG. I have the best story to tell you... EVER
BrandoniaSparab: Valeri told me!
Jarkfwaaa88: Oh, damn her!
BrandoniaSparab: Your mom is like Xena!
Jarkfwaaa88: vivaciousvalerii: BrandoniaSparab (9:22:04 PM): My God. Kelly's mom is... like.... Xena.
vivaciousvalerii (9:22:13 PM): LOL!
TheSunTsar: LOL
BrandoniaSparab: friggin' warrior princess, protecting all innocently rabid eye-infected opossums
Jarkfwaaa88: Apparently there was nothing wrong with it! They looked it all over, declared it healthy and set the bugger free!
BrandoniaSparab: That's so insane... and we were like "AAHHH!!!!! GET IN THE CARRR!!! IT'S RABID!!!"
Jarkfwaaa88: LOL!
Jarkfwaaa88: Yeah, and there were three cop cars there! And an ambulance!
BrandoniaSparab: They called out the whole brigade over this, apparently!
Jarkfwaaa88: Yeah, and all three had their guns drawn and we're going shoot it!
BrandoniaSparab: And your mom thwarted them and saved its life!
Jarkfwaaa88: Yeah! And at the end, one guy while putting his gun away said: This makes me happy. I didn't have to waste a bullet.
BrandoniaSparab: LOL
Jarkfwaaa88: Thank you Suffolk County PD for your overwhelming show of intelligence.
BrandoniaSparab: Is there no justice in the world for sick opossums?
Jarkfwaaa88: There is justice in the world.
Jarkfwaaa88: My mom is Oposssum Justice.
BrandoniaSparab: LOL
Jarkfwaaa88: My god. This whole tail will be funny for years to come.
Jarkfwaaa88: ...TALE!
BrandoniaSparab: hahahahahahaha
BrandoniaSparab: oh dear. too funny. Another chapter in the Misadventures of the Pope Clan
Jarkfwaaa88: The Pope Viglantes: Foiled by the Opossum, rescued by Justice.
Valeri doing the opossum:
Here you see a young Kelly Herzog involved in totally omgwtfness. ;)
So. Today a opossum tried to eat my face off. Okay, it was a little less dramatic than that. But you're hooked now, right?
Afterschool, Valeri, Laura and I were in Valeri's car, going to 7-11. Driving down my street, we pass this enclosed fenced in area that's across from the sump. I look out the window and see... a opossum impaled on a fence? Valeri turns the car around and we pull up to it again.
Many questions were asked: Is it dead ? Does it have rabies? Is it impaled on the fence? How did it get up there? Valeri, do you have a camera?
The solution to this of course is to call my mom up. We call her and she tells me to poke it with a stick. Poke. It. With. A. Stick. That it's probably just stuck up there and doesn't know how to get down. So I'm like: Fine. I'll poke it with a stick.
Laura and I get out of the car, because we're brave (note: sarcasm) and Valeri hid inside and watched us. Laura spots the stick we're going to use, as she's going to go get it, I pause and stare at this thing. I'm about three feet away, when it suddenly stands up and begins to snarl at me from its spot on the fence where it is apparently not impaled and not dead. I made a horrified noise, because it was damn scary. Laura is behind me, screaming. The oppossum is now getting ready to fly off the fence and eat me. We both run back into the car.
This is where we're supposed to make our speedy get away. Laura is shouting: GOGOGOGOGO!!! WHY ARE WE STILL HERE?!?! ... Why? Because Valeri is in a fit of laughter at our misfortune and terror, and at the fact that both of us now have premature grey hair.
Well... it might have been a regular day...
until..... WE WERE ALMOST KILLED BY AN OPOSSUM! AHHH!!!!!
So, school's over... Valeri and Kelly and I decide to take a ride. Maybe go to Sev's, maybe get some food at the White Castleee.....
But then we pass by an.... OPOSSUM IMPALED ON A CHAIN LINK FENCE.
But wait... was it really dead? So we turn around and go back.... pull over, and of course, take a picture with Valeri's phone.
WAIT HOLY SHIT, THAT OPOSSUM TURNED ITS HEAD TO LOOK AT ME! and it's balding! AHHH!!! What do we do? Call Kelly's mom! She says to poke it with a stick, maybe it's stuck, knock it off the fence. Mistake number 1 was Kelly and I getting out of the car. Valeri took the smart road and stayed put safely inside her metal cage. So we circle it... look for a stick, move in and suddenly.
HISSS!!!!! IT REARS BACK AND SNARLS LIKE CUJO. I swear to God, I have never seen an uglier face on an animal ever. So I scream "AHH!!!!! GET IN THE CAR!" and we do, but Valeri is laughing too hard to ......
"DRIVE, VALERI! WHY ARE WE STILL HERE?!"
That thing almost KILLED Kelly. She could have DIED. And I would have had to tell her mom that her daughter had been felled by a snarling, balding, rabid, obviously not nocturnal OPOSSUM.
So obviously, we have a new inside joke that we'll overuse but never get sick of.
But now I'm going, so watch out for angry marsupials. ;)
You'd think that was the end right? We'd drive off and that would be it? No. There's more to this story. We did in fact drive off and that was the last the three of us saw of the opossum. Not the same for my mom though!
She came rushing to the rescue only minutes after we left the scene because she was sure I'd poked the opossum and gotten bitten and had rabies.
When she gets there she finds that the poor creature is surrounded by: Three cop cars, an ambulance and three cops all with their guns drawn.
She comes running across the street with a box and told them to freeze. They were like: What are you doing here? And she points at our furry friend and says: I'm here for /him/.
They tell my mom that they're going to shoot the opossum because he's so clearly suffering. Meanwhile he's getting ready to launch off the fence again and eat someone. She tells them that he's got good color, forget /shooting/ him and that she'll be taking him to the animal hospital. XD They whip out the rabies poles and catch the tree next to the animal pretty good, but my mom has to rip away the branches to help them out. They finally got him into the box and she took him to Greco's.
He checked out clean, nothing wrong with him other than some scrapes and an eye infection. She said he had perfect teeth so he must have been a young guy too. Then they let him go.
vivaciousvalerii: LMFAO!
vivaciousvalerii: OMFG!
vivaciousvalerii: KELLYS MOM!
BrandoniaSparab: what?
vivaciousvalerii: SHE WENT THERE AND!
vivaciousvalerii: There were 3 cop cars animal control and an ambulance and they were going to shoot it!
BrandoniaSparab: oh my god.
vivaciousvalerii: LOL
vivaciousvalerii: so her mopm jumps out of her car and says "FREEZE!"
BrandoniaSparab: .....................................
vivaciousvalerii: It's just too funny
vivaciousvalerii: all in all she took it and it was fine!
BrandoniaSparab: are you SERIOUS?!
vivaciousvalerii: L:OL!
BrandoniaSparab: it's not at Kelly's house is it? It's at Greco's office, right?
vivaciousvalerii: they let it go
BrandoniaSparab: oh, thank god.
vivaciousvalerii: it had an eye infection that was it
BrandoniaSparab: WHAT?! IT HAD AN EYE INFECTION?!
vivaciousvalerii: she said that it probably got chassed there by a dog and then there was too much activty to not be scared to get down
BrandoniaSparab: Nah-uh. That thing was crazed. Eye infection doesn't begin to cover it.
BrandoniaSparab: wow... I can't believe that.
BrandoniaSparab: Where did they let it go?
vivaciousvalerii: behind grecios
BrandoniaSparab: My God. Kelly's mom is... like.... Xena.
**********************************************************************************
BrandoniaSparab: holy crap...
Jarkfwaaa88: OMG. I have the best story to tell you... EVER
BrandoniaSparab: Valeri told me!
Jarkfwaaa88: Oh, damn her!
BrandoniaSparab: Your mom is like Xena!
Jarkfwaaa88: vivaciousvalerii: BrandoniaSparab (9:22:04 PM): My God. Kelly's mom is... like.... Xena.
vivaciousvalerii (9:22:13 PM): LOL!
TheSunTsar: LOL
BrandoniaSparab: friggin' warrior princess, protecting all innocently rabid eye-infected opossums
Jarkfwaaa88: Apparently there was nothing wrong with it! They looked it all over, declared it healthy and set the bugger free!
BrandoniaSparab: That's so insane... and we were like "AAHHH!!!!! GET IN THE CARRR!!! IT'S RABID!!!"
Jarkfwaaa88: LOL!
Jarkfwaaa88: Yeah, and there were three cop cars there! And an ambulance!
BrandoniaSparab: They called out the whole brigade over this, apparently!
Jarkfwaaa88: Yeah, and all three had their guns drawn and we're going shoot it!
BrandoniaSparab: And your mom thwarted them and saved its life!
Jarkfwaaa88: Yeah! And at the end, one guy while putting his gun away said: This makes me happy. I didn't have to waste a bullet.
BrandoniaSparab: LOL
Jarkfwaaa88: Thank you Suffolk County PD for your overwhelming show of intelligence.
BrandoniaSparab: Is there no justice in the world for sick opossums?
Jarkfwaaa88: There is justice in the world.
Jarkfwaaa88: My mom is Oposssum Justice.
BrandoniaSparab: LOL
Jarkfwaaa88: My god. This whole tail will be funny for years to come.
Jarkfwaaa88: ...TALE!
BrandoniaSparab: hahahahahahaha
BrandoniaSparab: oh dear. too funny. Another chapter in the Misadventures of the Pope Clan
Jarkfwaaa88: The Pope Viglantes: Foiled by the Opossum, rescued by Justice.
Valeri doing the opossum: