MERLIN AND THE TIME RICHARD WILSON OUT-AWESOMED PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE
Geoffrey: This is a library, so shut the merry hell up, pipsqueak.
Merlin: :/
Geoffrey: I was just reviewing my travel diary. I visited the moon in a rocketship, you know.
Rumbleroar lent me his until I can get one of my own. Do you have a rocketship, Merlin?
Merlin: No, I don't have a - who's Rumbleroar?
Geoffrey: He's a lion. Who can talk.
Merlin: What do you mean I can't reach? Where the hell is Leon when you need him?
Merlin: I seem to be alone in a room full of magical things! In lieu of a pensieve to stick my nose into, I think I'll just
open this talking box!
Goblin: Hello gorgeous, how you doin'?...What? I've been trapped in a box for fifty years, everything looks good to
me right now.
Merlin: I know how to deal with you! Peskipiski Pesternomi!
Goblin: Firstly, wrong franchise sweetheart. Secondly, wrong species. Thirdly, duck.
Merlin: I was under the mistaken impression that I had killed in cold blood before, so I am 85% certain that I can do
so again -- oh dear. Does this mean he's coming back as a force ghost?
Goblin: *MIN MIN LIGHTS*
Merlin: Hey! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BLUE!
Arthur: I don't know about where you come from, Merlin, but the rest of the world tends to find it really creepy when
they find people skulking about under their beds.
Merlin: Even if I raise my eyebrow suggestively like this?
Merlin: Given past behaviour, is there anything I can say to convince you that I'm not actually a cross-dresser?
Gwen: Do you really want me to answer that question?
Merlin: So...are you mad that I've let another potentially dangerous magical creature loose?
Arthur: Now, this is actually pretty hilarious, but if you so much as think about giggling, I will kill you, then repeal the
laws against magic just so that I can raise you from the dead and kill you all over again.
Gaius: Oh God, it's like the Creature from the Black Lagoon, only with male patten baldness.
Uther: Thanks for the support, Gay-us.
Merlin: That was actually really funny though, Gaius. I should get points for not laughing in there.
Gaius: You won't be laughing for long once Arthur figures out baldness is hereditary. Which won't take long at all,
because I'll tell him.
Merlin: Oh come on.
Merlin: Why does he never wear a shirt? He should be freezing! I bet he isn't even wearing any - no, Merlin - focus!
Finish your job and ninja-cat away! Sneaking like a thing that - DAMMIT WHY DOES THAT NEVER WORK?
(from tumblr)
Merlin: Are you sure this is going to work?
Gaius: Of course it's going to work! This is television!
Goblin: Myyyy Precioussssssss
Merlin & Gaius: 0 :: Goblin: over 9000
Merlin: I swear to God if you tell me to 'Stop! Listen!' I will grind you into dust and serve you on toast as fairybread
at the next feast.
Goblin: ALL YOUR GAIUS ARE BELONG TO US!
Gaius: Well, I'm off to the pub, and then I think I might find myself a pretty little hooker or two at Madame Big Tits
House of Ill Repute. Don't wait up.
Merlin: But you don't drink, AND YOU'RE QUEERER THAN A TWO BOB WATCH!
Gaius: mmm, what a hunk of spunk that one is!
Gaius: You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals - if you get my meaning.
Ye Olde Medieval Roid!Man: I do...but I really wish I didn't.
Gaius: Aw, sugar, if you don't come home with me I'm just going to have to drink myself silly.
Gaius: I can't believe I had to drink myself silly.
Merlin: It's not often that I get to be the smug one who knew better with you, so I'm just going to be over here enjoying
it. LOUDLY. LOUDLY AND BRIGHTLY.
Morgana: Gaius, I was just wondering if you -
Gaius: FECK OFF, WITCH!
Morgana: You can't speak to me like that!
Gaius: I can speak to you however I want! FECK! ARSE! DRINK! THAT'S AN ECUMENICAL MATTER!
Random Villager: Can you help me, Doctor?
Gaius: I'm sorry, you appear to have caught a Welsh accent. There's nothing I can do.
Random Villager's Wife: But he's always been so careful!
Gaius: Respectfully? Cut your losses and run, ma'am. It's all downhill from here.
Gaius: *swindles everybody*
Gwen: ...are you fucking serious, Gaius?
Remus Lupin: Nope, that'd be me.
Gwen: Ugh. Men.
Uther: Stop beating out a samba and get on with making my hair grow back.
Merlin: It's almost like I've walked in on him looking at porn, only that would not be as awkward.
Uther: Stop laughing at my hat! Laugh at the girl with intestinal discomfort instead!
Arthur: Normally I'd be happy to, because as a stereotypical male I find that shit insanely funny, but this little warning
bell is going off in my head and telling me that if I so much as smirk, I am never getting any. EVER.
Merlin: I suppose you think that was funny. Well it wasn't. It was wildly inappropriate, and you are in so much trouble.
Gaius: Oh come on, it was genius!
Merlin: GO TO YOUR ROOM THIS INSTANT, OLD MAN!
Gaius: You're not the boss of me! I hate you!
Geoffrey: Hello there sugarlump! I was just about to come and see you!
Gaius: Sugarlump? As if I'd go with a fatty like you!
Geoffrey:
Arthur: Merlin, my father has told me to arrest you. Well, actually he told me to arrest Melvin, but he meant you.
I think he's found and read my diary - we are in so much trouble now.
Merlin: ...You keep a diary?
Uther: All right Melvin, lets get this over with. I have places to be, and people to make lifelong enemies of. Gaius
here says you're a super secret sorcerer. Are you?
Merlin: Can I phone a friend?
Uther: No, because you'd only phone Arthur, who always manages to get his way somehow and I haven't burned
anybody alive for a really long time now.
Uther: Actually Malcolm, you know what? I don't even care. OFF WITH HIS HEAD!
Gaius: LOL BYE BITCH
Leon: Gaius! What are you doing out so late? Isn't it past your bedtime?
Gaius: Yeah, I was busy. Doing your mother.
Leon: DOROTHY LE FABULEAUX IS A SAINT! A SAINT!
Merlin: In for a penny, in for a pound!
Merlin: AND IT'S UP AND UNDER, HERE WE GO! ARE YOU READY, YES OR NO? UP AND UNDER, HERE WE
GO! IT'S THE SOUND OF THE PONTYPOOL FRONT ROW! YET ANOTHER PRISONER ESCAPING FROM THE
DUNGEONS!
Arthur: I used to talk with Merlin about our feelings every day around this time, and since you spent the most time
with him I thought you could be his substitute. So, how do you feel about his impending death?
Gaius: I feel happy! Joyous! Elated! Many other positive adjectives!
Arthur: Imposter! The REAL Gaius would know that I would never under any circumstances ever discuss my feelings!
Not even with Merlin! Any last words?
Gaius: Yes. Duck.
Gwen: This is another one of those situations that are hilariously funny yet we're not allowed to laugh, isn't it?
Gwen: So, Arthur won't help at all because he's an ass. And by ass, I mean he has actually grown donkey ears.
Merlin: It is the little moments like this that make my life worth living.
Gwen: I understand the plan, Merlin. You're going to poison Gaius, and then I'm going to give him the antidote before
he dies. I'm just concerned - anything could go wrong! Have you ever even had any experience with this sort of thing?
Merlin: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM. WELL.
Gaius: ....MERLIN, YOU'VE POISONED THIS, HAVEN'T YOU? Dammit, this is why I never let you cook!
Merlin: GET IN THE BOX, GOBLIN!
Gaius: Aw come one bro, don't be like that.
Gwen: Oh BOOBS, I've lost the antidote. Wait, I mean balls. Oh BALLS.
Goblin: FEE FI FO FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISH - no, wait, that's not right. Oh, oh, I know -
RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN, YOU CAN'T CATCH ME I'M THE GINGERBREAD MAN!
Merlin: I hate gingerbread.
~QUEUE MERLIN HUNTING A GOBLIN LIKE A BAMF SPAM~
Merlin: That was so unhygienic.
Merlin: This is it! Eenie Meenie Miney Mo is never wrong!
Gwen: My boobs, though neither psychic nor weather predicting, would like to point out the illogicality of that statement.
Merlin: A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, yada yada please don't die, Gaius!
Gaius: Well, since you asked so nicely.
Gaius: and in conclusion it both was and was not my fault, and Merlin is not a super secret sorcerer as far as you know.
Uther: Well, I'm glad that you are no longer possessed, my hair is back, and order is restored to the kingdom. But mostly
the part about my hair.
Uther: Are you sure I can’t set him on fire? Just a little?
Gaius: Just ignore him Merlin. He’ll be distracted by something else flammable soon enough.
Arthur: Guinevere! Hello! Fancy seeing you here! Ah, I see you have folded those fitted sheets perfectly. That is amazing,
how did you do it?
Gwen: They’re not fitted sheets. Elastic hasn’t been invented yet.
Arthur: So it hasn’t. Would you like it to be? I’ll set my best men on it now.
Gwen: That’s very sweet of you, but I’m fine for now, thanks.
Arthur: I’d probably better save it for next week then.