MERLIN EPISODE FOUR: A NEW WHORE
SLUTABOUTALOT? I THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF HIM?
MORGANA: PINCH A PENNY, SOMEONE'S SLACKING
ARTHUR: DO I LOOK LIKE A MILKMAID? BECAUSE SOMEBODY FEELS LIKE A COW
IN CASE YOU'D FORGOTTEN, OR JUST PLUM DIDN'T NOTICE, THERE'S SEXUAL TENSION
OKAY, REMEMBER ITS 10 POINTS FOR THE GUARDS, 15 FOR GWEN, AND 30 IF YOU HIT MORGANA
BECAUSE SHE'S SUCH A BADASS NINJA
I AM THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS. I MIGHT KILL YOU TOMORROW.
INCONCEIVABLE!
UTHER: MY SOURCES TELL ME MORGANA IS IN DANGER
ARTHUR: QUICK MERLIN! TO THE BATMOBILE!
TITS OR GTFO
CAKE OR DEATH?
MERLIN: WOW, MORGANA WRITES SOME REALLY SHITTY EMO POETRY
ARTHUR: WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW WHAT KILLED THESE POOR BASTARDS
MERLIN: ARTHUR YOU PANSY, SHE WAS WORTH THIRTY POINTS
UTHER: SEE, THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.
ARTHUR: MMMM, BOOBIES. OH, SOMEONE WAS WATCHING, PLAY IT COOL, PLAY IT COOL.
...
VILLAIN VON UBERPANTS, SEAL CLUBBER FROM THE FRIGID NORTHLANDS
ARTHUR: OMFG SHUT YOUR NAGGING! I'LL GO, I'LL GO
MERLIN: AND IN CONCLUSION THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD SUPPORT ME IN HAIR BRAINED SCHEME #198328
GAIUS: FRANKLY MY DEAR, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
ARTHUR: ...SERIOUSLY?
RAW. THEY ATE RAW MEAT. I WAS NEARLY SICK ALL OVER MY KEYBOARD
EVIL GUY: AND IN THE LEFT CORNER: SOME MUSCLY TURKISH REDSHIRT (SANS SHIRT)
EVIL GUY: AND IN THE RIGHT CORNER: LADIES, HOLD ON TO YOUR KNICKERS, IT'S SIR SLUTABOUTALOT!
LANCE: HEY BABY HEY
GWEN: OH DON'T EVEN, BUCKO
LANCE: SO, AFTER AN UNSEXY FIGHT I'VE DECIDED I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO KILL YOU OUT OF PITY
SO I'M LEAVING YOU TO A FATE MUCH WORSE THAN BEING THRUST INTO REPEATEDLY WITH MY SWORD.
EVIL GUY: DUDE, THAT'S COLD
GWEN: THAT BETTER HAVE BEEN A EUPHEMISM
LANCE: AW BABY, DON'T BE THAT WAY. I LOOK TOO MUCH LIKE ANDREW G
FOR YOU TO STAY MAD AT ME AND YOU KNOW IT
MUSCLY TURKISH REDSHIRT: BUT I DIDN'T THINK RODENTS OF UNUSUAL SIZE EXISTED!
MERLIN: *FALLS OFF HORSE AND IS ADORABLE*
ARTHUR: NORMAL PEOPLE EAT SO THEY DON'T GO INTO DIABETIC COMAS, MERLIN.
GWEN: SO IS THIS WHERE YOU TELL ME HORRENDOUSLY SAPPY AND MANIPULATIVE THINGS?
LANCE: THE FIRST TIME OF MANY, SWEETHEART
LANCELOT: SO, DO I DAZZLE YOU?
MERLIN: *IS SLEEPY AND ADORABLE*
ARTHUR: OOH, PORN
MERLIN: WHERE!? LET ME SEE
ARTHUR: NOT UNTIL WE'VE FINISHED THIS QUEST
LOOK, I COULD SAY A MILLION AND ONE THINGS BUT THEY WON'T BE FUNNIER THAN THIS SCENE ANYWAY
ARTHUR: THEY'RE LIKE T-REX'S. IF YOU DON'T MOVE, THEY CAN'T SEE YOU
MERLIN: JURASSIC PARK REFERENCES ARE NOT COOL ARTHUR YOU KNOW HOW I HAVE NIGHTMARES
MERLIN: *BUSTS A NUT AND IS ADORABLE*
ARTHUR: LOL
MERLIN: *HAS VIOLENT MOODSWINGS AND IS ADORABLE*
ARTHUR: I AM MANLY AND MANLY MEN DO NOT TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS
MERLIN: WHATEVER BRO
LANCE: HOLD ON SPIDERMONKEY, LETS GET OUT OF HERE. YOU ARE MY LIFE NOW, ETC ETC
GWEN: I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT THAT'S THE LAMEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD
LANCELOT: THIS IS THE PART WHERE I MARTYR MYSELF AND LEAVE YOU ALL ALONE IN THE WOODS
FOR WEREWOLVES TO FIND YOU. I MEAN, I HAVE A PLAN, AND IT INVOLVES YOU RUNNING AND ME
STAYING AND DYING. FOR YOU. SO FEEL FREE TO BLAME YOURSELF FOR MY DEMISE
EVIL GUY: WELL MR BOND, LET ME TELL YOU MY PLAN IN MIND-NUMBINGLY BORING DETAIL BEFORE I KILL YOU
GWEN: BEFORE YOU DO, LET ME TELL HIM HOW MUCH I THINK HIS PLAN FUCKING SUCKED
MERLIN: SPIDER MERLIN, SPIDER MERLIN! DOES WHATEVER A SPIDERMERLIN DOES!
ARTHUR: IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I'M GOING TO PUSH YOU TO A PAINFUL SCREAMY DEATH
MERLIN: AT LEAST I DIDNT MAKE A CLIFFS OF INSANITY JOKE?
MERLIN: YOU'D BETTER NOT SASS ME. ARTHUR'S BEEN TAKING LESSONS OFF GAIUS
ARTHUR: WHO'S BOSS? I'M BOSS.
ARTHUR: NO. NO, I WILL NOT SAY 'AS YOU WISH'. FUCK OFF.
MERLIN: *IS A ONE TRICK PONY (AND STILL ADORABLE)*
ARTHUR: TACTICAL. MANLY. RETREAT.
MERLIN: MY MAMA WARNED ME THERE'D BE DAYS LIKE THESE, THERE'D BE DAYS LIKE THESE, MY MAMA SAID
~ MEANINGFUL LOOK ~
MERLIN: ...EXCUSE ME WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
ARTHUR: *WIBBLE*
LANCE: DUDE, I AM SO. HIGH.
ARTHUR: LADIES. PRESENT. CONTAIN. RAGE.
MERLIN: WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD.
LANCE: SO I'M HEADING OUT NOW. LOT OF LADIES MISSING OUT ON THIS, WOULDN'T BE KNIGHTLY OF ME TO DENY THEM
MERLIN: YOU ARE SUCH A DICK.
GWEN: FINE. I WON'T CRY, BUT FROM NOW ON I'LL MEASURE EVERYONE AGAINST HIM AND FIND THEM
WANTING, AND PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY GIVE THEM HOPE THAT ONE DAY THEY'LL BE GOOD ENOUGH
EVEN THOUGH THEY NEVER WILL. ALSO I WILL EAT MY FEELINGS
ARTHUR: I SHOULD BE HAPPY LANCELOT IS GONE, BUT GWEN IS ALL *SADFACE* AND SO AM I. THIS LOVE THING
SUCKS GREAT BIG DRAGON BALLS
ARTHUR: CAMELOT!
GWEN: CAMELOT!
MERLIN: IT'S ONLY A MODEL
ARTHUR: WHO'S THE BEST BIG BROTHER EVER?
ARTHUR: I RISK LIFE AND LIMB AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO DO THIS
WEARING BIKINIS IN A TUB OF WHIPPED CREAM. THAT'S GRATITUDE FOR YOU
MERLIN: AND WHAT HAS THIS ADVENTURE TAUGHT US?
ARTHUR: BROS BEFORE HOS MAN, BROS BEFORE HOS
MERLIN: DAMN STRAIGHT
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN UTHER IS A DICK, AND THE BALANCE IS RESTORED TO NATURE