The Creepy Castle Sticker Book!
Do you know what I like? Buying random cheap stuff. If it looks nice and interesting, and it's cheap, I'm sure to snatch it up. So I found myself recently purchasing 'Our World Poster Sticker Book: Creepy Castle'. Not only was it cheap, but the cover was ever so tempting, featuring Frankenstein's monster, a vampire of the non-sparkly variety, a werewolf, a demonic little imp, a skeleton and a ghost, all gathered around a gargoyle on a castle wall, complete with a full moon in the background. With a cover like that, I couldn't expect anything less than a fearful orgy of horror and depravity.
This thing is a poster showing the backdrop of an ancient castle, illuminated by a fearsome thunderstorm, and it even seems to have a little portal to Hell near its entrance. It also comes with a sheet of stickers, and he who purchases this mystic item must place the stickers around the poster to create an unnerving scene of terror. Doesn't that sound so frightening? No, it sounds juvenile. But I had five minutes to kill, and I wanted to exercise my creative juices, so I undertook the labour of completing the Creepy Castle and creating a crazy cacophony of (insert c word here) creatures.
Here's my canvas, and ain't she a beaut? Wow, it has everything. An evil lab, a big ding dong bell, a pipe organ, a swamp and of course, the portal to Hades. I would say I'd like to live there, but the lack of walls in some places would be pretty drafty, not to mention dangerous during a thunderstorm.
So what about the abominations of the occult that live here? Where are they?
Behold the most grisly assortment of devils and demons known to man! It's a nice assortment of nasties and spookies we've got here; the Universal Studios standbys, a shitload of skeletons and gargoyles, some scared old lady, a nastier version of a Where the Wild Things Are character, what looks like a James Bond villain of some kind in a bloody apron and what spooky castle is complete with a Lovecraftian alien monstrosity? Problem is, these stickers may have nice artwork, but each still have an annoying white outline. The 'guide' in an inside flap show them not having the outline, but the real stickers have it and flaunt it. I didn't bother cutting them off or anything, so I'm just pretending they're spectral auras. You know, 'cause they're spoooky monsters!
Now let's see the fruit of my toils:
The first monster to go down was the Grim Reaper because the Grim Reaper's awesome. Or is it the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come? Either way he's cool. I wonder what he's pointing at. Maybe he saw a nice-looking bird. Birds are also awesome.
The Eldritch beast is chilling in the swamp. That other tentacle belongs to his girlfriend. Ah, young love.
Yeah, I know Quasimodo should go in the belltower, but I'm going to pretend the dungeon is actually a gymnasium, and Quasi is doing exercise with Igor. Hunchbacks gotta stick together you know. They take enough crap.
The vampire's in the organ room because organ music goes well with vampires. Yeah, the organ playing skeleton is supposed to go there, but I don't like the fact it wears a tailcoat but no pants. Granted, it must be hard wearing trousers when you have no calves, thighs or ass, but it still looks wrong.
This skeleton can't take life anymore. Um, moving on...
"I NEEDED THAT!" Anyone else remember Groovie Ghoulies? I love paying homage to obscure cartoons barely anyone cares about.
The James Bond villain mad scientist is going to go kill him a werewolf, and he's enjoying every minute of it. And I thought Professor Kemp was bad.
"Shit! I'm missing Doctor Who!"
There were actually two stickers featuring this poor chap, so I had to place at least one down. I wonder if the rats are bullying him or it's some perverse sexual game.
Geez, it's like the result of a one night stand between a spider and a black cat. We should breed those to create the most terrifying beast in existence!
A skeleton stares in awe at the portal to Hell, instantly regretting the choices he made in life. The artists for this get points for trying to subtly add theological imagery to a kiddie activity book. Bravo, boys.
The Where the Wild Things Are reject is raving. Those aren't shackles, they're neat fashion accessories.
Some cameramen came to the castle, so Wolfie struck a dramatic pose for them. In fact, lots of these characters, like the doctor and the Reaper have dramatic poses. What are the chances that several monsters would strike dramatic poses at the same time? Do they do nothing but strike dramatic poses all day?
I think this witch had a bit too much to drink. And check out the pervy skeleton trying to sneak a peek.
Don't try this at home. This skeleton is a trained professional.
Two ghosts mock an unseen character with red eyes, and the shadowed character doesn't look too pleased. Well you'd be pissed if flying toothed sperm insulted your mother.
DRAMATIC POSE TIME!
Here's the obligatory mummy. Well, since it's so close to the doctor's lab, maybe it's not really a mummy, but someone who's just had plastic surgery like in Transylvania 6-5000.
This witch is flying into some flames. What is it with this place that makes its residents commit suicide?
"Aw great, I dropped 50p."
And that's not all, the inside flap also has a spooooky story about the castle, where two kids visit and meet the monsters. And...that's basically it. Well, you shouldn't expect Kafka with a sticker poster. At least it lets you find out the monsters' names! The catspider is named Bristles, a werewolf is named Wolfie (same name as my cat!), the Cthulhu is named Ozzy (same name as my dog! I didn't know my pets were supernatural terrors!), the pantsless organ skeleton is Pipes, the witches are Screetch and Scratch, the furry horned thing is Grumbly, the doctor is Doctor Bumpenstump (that name does not fit his maniacal appearance. You'd expect a guy who looks like that to be called Dr Nastymeanie or Professor Annhilation, not fucking 'Bumpenstump') and Quasimodo is named Bigben. Nice shoutout to one of our monuments there.
Childish as it may be, I had some amusement with this, and I'm even pleased with the end product. There's like a hundred stories that could be told with it. Not really terrifying, but the guilty fun makes up for the lack of dismemberment and fear.