Scissorhands MST
Note: This was originally submitted during Halloween.
Bruzzini: Halloween Halloween HALLOWEEN! We continue the Halloweeny MSTy goodness with a couple of Edward Scissorhands fanfics! OK, one is set at Xmas, but it's still sorta Halloweeny!
Edward scisorhands was down to his last straw.
(Bruzzini: Well, something like straws wouldn't last a minute under fingers like his.)
(Hatter: Scisorhands? Oh, not again.)
For too long had he been in the castle ont the hill.
(Hatter: The castle in that movie actually looked quite like my kind of place.)
(Queen: It would be more appropriate for American McGee Mad Scientist you. Think of what he would do to that cookie machine.)
His time was now when the people in the city would not expect him to com edown to get them. Irt was a time for BLOOD.
(Queen: Well, since Kim told them all he was dead, most of the time would be when they don't expect him.)
(Bruzzini: BLOOD? If I may paraphrase Card Trick...)
(Queen: Don't.)
It was a crime that he wasnt already amongst thenm.
(Queen: When you can kill or wound people just by touching them, it wouldn't.)
He would noew forever come to them. His plan was great
(Bruzzini: Was it an ingenious plane to impersonate Mr. Bean?)
(Queen: Have you been reading diesir's stuff again?)
He wiould be the new santa claus but with real claus because of his hands were made out of metal.
(Hatter: Quite the overused pun.)
(Queen: Todd McFarlane sorta used it with his action figure.)
(POP! A huge green blob dressed as Santa appears. THE GHOST OF XMAS PRESENT!)
(GOXP: Don't talk bad about my recruits!)
(Hatter: Not you.)
He captrued the real santa and then put him in an ice paintfing in his houtse on the hill.
(Hatter: I certainly wish Mr. Scissorhands would do the same to you.)
(GOXP: You can shut up! Your heart's as black as coal!)
(Queen (ignoring them): OK, Edward, stop ripping off fellow Tim Burton characters!)
It was now time for chrsitmas to be celerated in the town below.
(GOXP: YAY! JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS!)
The snow fgell all around Edward as he glistened mencially. He rode down the mountain like a grinch but in bkalck leather instead of red robes.
(GOXP: The Grinch didn't wear robes, he was a Pantsless Joe!)
(Queen: And you, don't rip off Foster's.)
When he entered the house of the first person he was already laughingf to much to control his hands. They went cracy.
(Hatter: So Edward is like Master Derek.)
(GOXP: Don't you start; Darky is good as dead.)
(Hatter: At least he doesn't stem from a dull piece of literature!)
They killed the famiyl with head shcops and then they were dead. It was not long before police came but edward had a plan! He gave them presents then laughed too much again and his handfs hilled the coppr and they were now dead. It was a sad christmas for their famlies that year.
(Bruzzini: What a cheerful Christmas scene!)
(Queen: Does anyone use the word 'copper' for a policeman anymore?)
(GOXP: Maybe those guys deserved it.)
Edawrd was happy again. He had ruined chrisrtmas but santa was now dead in his basemtn
(GOXP: Bastard.)
(Hatter: If you weren't a ghost, I'd definately kill you.)
it was so cold there at night. He laughed and his hasnd went crazya nd killed himslef and chopped themsleves off and the moral is to love christmas.
(GOXP: A good moral too.)
(Hatter: Begone!)
(GOXP buggers off)
(Queen: The real moral here seems to be don't go on a sugar overload before going near a keyboard!)
(Bruzzini: Next one!)
The pale, lonely man stared out of the dark castle window,
(Bruzzini (Edward): When's the pizza guy gonna get here?)
(Queen: Would a joke about 'built-in slicers' be too obvious?)
his scarred face gazing on the quaint little town with a heartbreaking expression. Once, long ago, he had wondered what it would be like to be a part of that world. Now he knew.
(Queen: To be part of any world is utter hell.)
(Bruzzini: Of course, it would have been better had he been completed before Vincent Price guy died.)
(Hatter: Or he had the sense to use a better substitute than scissors for hands!)
It was ecstasy mixed with pain.
(Queen: He did drugs while down there?)
The girl had said she loved him. She fell into his arms, and yes: she kissed him.
(Bruzzini: But not much else, 'cause...you know.)
That had been nearly sixty years ago. Yet the longing feeling still gnawed away at his soul on that morning,
(Bruzzini: OW! Stop gnawing at my soul, it HURTS!)
(Hatter: If you can't make an original joke, be quiet!)
just as it had every other one for what seemed like forever. She gave him such happiness, and then took it all away in an instant.
(Bruzzini: What a heartless bitch!)
He supposed he had always known that the last goodbye had meant goodbye for forever. Still, in some corner of his bewildered mind, the hope still lingered. What did he know or care of the passage of time, the wear and tear the years bring. In his heart she was still a young lovely woman, dancing in the snow.
(Queen: Or to be more precise, cuttings from a giant lump of ice.)
(Bruzzini: Poor Eddy. He should put an ad in the personals: Frankenstein scissor-handed guy seeks young woman who likes sculptures!)
(Queen: That'll work!)
He heard a creaking noise behind him but did not turn from the window. "I suppose they finally have come for me he thought. It hardly matters now, and what's the point of living anyways?"
(Queen: He actually said 'he thought'?)
(Hatter: Oh, suicide!)
The voice, so different from the one he had once known, sounded as tired as he.
"Edward..."
(Queen: YOUR RENT'S DUE, PAY UP!)
He whirled quickly, and the old woman slumped to the ground. Even with all the lines that were never there before and the snow-white hair, he knew.
He fell to his knees, knowing he could not help her. Why, he couldn't even touch her.
"I... I wanted to see you. One last time."
(Queen: So romantic...so unrealistic. Seriously, nobody would ever do this to me!)
(Bruzzini: Um, because you're an annoying bitch?)
(Queen growls)
If his heart had been breaking slowly over the years, now it was tearing out if his chest.
(Bruzzini: Like on Alien!)
He could hardly breath as he gazed at the woman he had loved, now so old, so weak.
"I love you." He whispered the words to the elderly woman.
Her eyes sparkled with tears. She had always known it, straight from the start, but now she heard it and it filled her with warmth even though the snow outside made the aged house so cold.
It was to be the last thing she would ever hear.
(Queen: Now she's dead. What sentimental crap.)
(Bruzzini: It was either that or a story about Kim finding a videotape on how to make hands!)
(Queen: Gwah. Movies by Tim Burton and/or starring Jonny Depp always get crap like this!)
Bruzzini: Halloween Halloween HALLOWEEN! We continue the Halloweeny MSTy goodness with a couple of Edward Scissorhands fanfics! OK, one is set at Xmas, but it's still sorta Halloweeny!
Edward scisorhands was down to his last straw.
(Bruzzini: Well, something like straws wouldn't last a minute under fingers like his.)
(Hatter: Scisorhands? Oh, not again.)
For too long had he been in the castle ont the hill.
(Hatter: The castle in that movie actually looked quite like my kind of place.)
(Queen: It would be more appropriate for American McGee Mad Scientist you. Think of what he would do to that cookie machine.)
His time was now when the people in the city would not expect him to com edown to get them. Irt was a time for BLOOD.
(Queen: Well, since Kim told them all he was dead, most of the time would be when they don't expect him.)
(Bruzzini: BLOOD? If I may paraphrase Card Trick...)
(Queen: Don't.)
It was a crime that he wasnt already amongst thenm.
(Queen: When you can kill or wound people just by touching them, it wouldn't.)
He would noew forever come to them. His plan was great
(Bruzzini: Was it an ingenious plane to impersonate Mr. Bean?)
(Queen: Have you been reading diesir's stuff again?)
He wiould be the new santa claus but with real claus because of his hands were made out of metal.
(Hatter: Quite the overused pun.)
(Queen: Todd McFarlane sorta used it with his action figure.)
(POP! A huge green blob dressed as Santa appears. THE GHOST OF XMAS PRESENT!)
(GOXP: Don't talk bad about my recruits!)
(Hatter: Not you.)
He captrued the real santa and then put him in an ice paintfing in his houtse on the hill.
(Hatter: I certainly wish Mr. Scissorhands would do the same to you.)
(GOXP: You can shut up! Your heart's as black as coal!)
(Queen (ignoring them): OK, Edward, stop ripping off fellow Tim Burton characters!)
It was now time for chrsitmas to be celerated in the town below.
(GOXP: YAY! JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS!)
The snow fgell all around Edward as he glistened mencially. He rode down the mountain like a grinch but in bkalck leather instead of red robes.
(GOXP: The Grinch didn't wear robes, he was a Pantsless Joe!)
(Queen: And you, don't rip off Foster's.)
When he entered the house of the first person he was already laughingf to much to control his hands. They went cracy.
(Hatter: So Edward is like Master Derek.)
(GOXP: Don't you start; Darky is good as dead.)
(Hatter: At least he doesn't stem from a dull piece of literature!)
They killed the famiyl with head shcops and then they were dead. It was not long before police came but edward had a plan! He gave them presents then laughed too much again and his handfs hilled the coppr and they were now dead. It was a sad christmas for their famlies that year.
(Bruzzini: What a cheerful Christmas scene!)
(Queen: Does anyone use the word 'copper' for a policeman anymore?)
(GOXP: Maybe those guys deserved it.)
Edawrd was happy again. He had ruined chrisrtmas but santa was now dead in his basemtn
(GOXP: Bastard.)
(Hatter: If you weren't a ghost, I'd definately kill you.)
it was so cold there at night. He laughed and his hasnd went crazya nd killed himslef and chopped themsleves off and the moral is to love christmas.
(GOXP: A good moral too.)
(Hatter: Begone!)
(GOXP buggers off)
(Queen: The real moral here seems to be don't go on a sugar overload before going near a keyboard!)
(Bruzzini: Next one!)
The pale, lonely man stared out of the dark castle window,
(Bruzzini (Edward): When's the pizza guy gonna get here?)
(Queen: Would a joke about 'built-in slicers' be too obvious?)
his scarred face gazing on the quaint little town with a heartbreaking expression. Once, long ago, he had wondered what it would be like to be a part of that world. Now he knew.
(Queen: To be part of any world is utter hell.)
(Bruzzini: Of course, it would have been better had he been completed before Vincent Price guy died.)
(Hatter: Or he had the sense to use a better substitute than scissors for hands!)
It was ecstasy mixed with pain.
(Queen: He did drugs while down there?)
The girl had said she loved him. She fell into his arms, and yes: she kissed him.
(Bruzzini: But not much else, 'cause...you know.)
That had been nearly sixty years ago. Yet the longing feeling still gnawed away at his soul on that morning,
(Bruzzini: OW! Stop gnawing at my soul, it HURTS!)
(Hatter: If you can't make an original joke, be quiet!)
just as it had every other one for what seemed like forever. She gave him such happiness, and then took it all away in an instant.
(Bruzzini: What a heartless bitch!)
He supposed he had always known that the last goodbye had meant goodbye for forever. Still, in some corner of his bewildered mind, the hope still lingered. What did he know or care of the passage of time, the wear and tear the years bring. In his heart she was still a young lovely woman, dancing in the snow.
(Queen: Or to be more precise, cuttings from a giant lump of ice.)
(Bruzzini: Poor Eddy. He should put an ad in the personals: Frankenstein scissor-handed guy seeks young woman who likes sculptures!)
(Queen: That'll work!)
He heard a creaking noise behind him but did not turn from the window. "I suppose they finally have come for me he thought. It hardly matters now, and what's the point of living anyways?"
(Queen: He actually said 'he thought'?)
(Hatter: Oh, suicide!)
The voice, so different from the one he had once known, sounded as tired as he.
"Edward..."
(Queen: YOUR RENT'S DUE, PAY UP!)
He whirled quickly, and the old woman slumped to the ground. Even with all the lines that were never there before and the snow-white hair, he knew.
He fell to his knees, knowing he could not help her. Why, he couldn't even touch her.
"I... I wanted to see you. One last time."
(Queen: So romantic...so unrealistic. Seriously, nobody would ever do this to me!)
(Bruzzini: Um, because you're an annoying bitch?)
(Queen growls)
If his heart had been breaking slowly over the years, now it was tearing out if his chest.
(Bruzzini: Like on Alien!)
He could hardly breath as he gazed at the woman he had loved, now so old, so weak.
"I love you." He whispered the words to the elderly woman.
Her eyes sparkled with tears. She had always known it, straight from the start, but now she heard it and it filled her with warmth even though the snow outside made the aged house so cold.
It was to be the last thing she would ever hear.
(Queen: Now she's dead. What sentimental crap.)
(Bruzzini: It was either that or a story about Kim finding a videotape on how to make hands!)
(Queen: Gwah. Movies by Tim Burton and/or starring Jonny Depp always get crap like this!)