life crisisisisises
i almost never write in here, but i figured i should probably at least put my thoughts into writing to at least express some of my pent up stress.
there are so sososo many things. this will be a negative post by the way. i dont really like to talk about crap, so i just dont talk if thats all i have to say. but i think that is unhealthy so here is a quick burst of emotion.
not that everything is crap, but i am not feeling alot of positive emotions at the moment. i want to. so badly. im trying to get myself out of this rut. its hard though. so many obstructions.
so for the longest time i have been lost as to what i want to do with my life. i now pretty much understand that it is hard to decide anything for myself when i am waiting for someone else to figure themselves out first. i know it his not his fault, but because shinji has so many uncertainties in his life, i am forced to wait around to check out my options. he wants to live abroad so badly... that is fine. i dont mind moving anywhere. ANYWHERE... just fucking... when? how long will i be dragged out in this limbo?? i cant plan on staying here, yet i cannot plan on going home. i cannot settle even though my body is telling me to. so is my mind. shin is trying his best at work, but changes are too slow. he wants a kid. fine. then give me a fucking baby. ill quit work and go to school. but i cant live in this tiny fucking apartment with a kid. ok, then lets buy a place. fucking japan doesnt make that easy. the value of apartments and homes never NEVER raises. it only drops. drastically. so if we decide to go abroad, we will have to sell our place for a lot less than we payed for it. also, used houses are hard to sell here. we will have to pay taxes on it for a long ass time. plus, they are terribly expensive. not just the mortgage, but the maintenance fees are sooo expensive. and they get even more expensive with older buildings which are the only ones we can afford for the size we want. so just fuck me in the ass japan.
so i cant have a happy settled down life here. i cant go home. i cant see my mom and my friends. i have very very few friends here. i have only one friend i hang out with every once in a while and i dont consider her that close. im alone all the time. shin is busier because of work and grumpy a lot of the time. we fight alot because we are both frustrated. he gets irritated easily. our vac in greece this year looked awesome, but we fought so much. i actually have a lot of bad memories from that trip. i have no one to talk to anymore and i just rot inside. the gym is far from my place so i dont work out like i used to. i tried to lose myself in art, but i have a hard time with inspiration because im so shut out of the world. no experiences.
when shin is home, i feel like i am just sitting on the floor behind him while he plays on the computer. when he isnt, i just sit around singing or cleaning or watching some stupid movie or something.
i decided that i will start up school again in jan. i dont really like it. it is a pain and im not very interested in the subject. all i want to do is make pots. thats all i ever wanted to do.... but since i cant buy a fucking place, i cant even do that. even if i have the money, i cant do what i want. i cant just up and go home. i have to wait for shin. i have a good job here. i dont have skills for a job at home right now. i dont know what to do. if only i wasnt so alone.. i know i need to branch out, but ive gotten to a point where i dont know how to anymore. japanese people are shy to accept me, or they only consider that im foreign instead of seeing who i am. i hate almost all foreigners here. they are arrogant, petty and selfish. thats what happens to a lot of the foreigners who come here. they get treated so nice that they think they can just do whatever the fuck they want with no consequences. shin keeps me in place but now i cant relate with them and they cant with me either.
i have tried to be positive and make decisions lately. start school, get knocked up, quit work and finish my degree while the baby is young. then, i can work at a uni a couple times a week and do ceramics the rest. this is my dream and goal and i dont think i am asking too much. i think this is a reasonable goal and not hard to do,... if only i wasnt waiting for shin... im so frustrated. i want him to realize his dream, i really do. but fuckin.... just do it already!!! i cant move on with MY life at all! and the most fucked up thing is that even if he decided that he doesnt need to go abroad, if we buy a house here, the odds are very likely that his company will make him work in at a different location so he wont quit. this is a gimmick they use here to scare people from quitting. as soon as they get married and buy a house,they send them to work across the country. since selling a house is such a waste of money here, families just live separately for years. i cant fucking handle that! living by myself with a kid with no friends and no family except for shin's parents. that is not a happy life for me. like i said, im trying to stay positive and not get all frustrated. but im miserable and need company and want to have the freedom to go for my goals! i make a list of the things i need to do to realize my dreams and they ALL depend on what shin finally does. he of course cant just make teh decision. he has to have a job that will send him first. but i dont have time to be waiting for this!! if we want a kid, we need it now! im 32!! times running out for that shit! who the fuck cares about money! just buy a fucking place and we can sell it or rent it and jsut pay the fucking taxes, i dont care!! i just want my fucking freedom!!
ok, i guess that is enough ranting. ill let u know if i actually do get pregnant. we are now off protection. im fucking scared as fuck..
there are so sososo many things. this will be a negative post by the way. i dont really like to talk about crap, so i just dont talk if thats all i have to say. but i think that is unhealthy so here is a quick burst of emotion.
not that everything is crap, but i am not feeling alot of positive emotions at the moment. i want to. so badly. im trying to get myself out of this rut. its hard though. so many obstructions.
so for the longest time i have been lost as to what i want to do with my life. i now pretty much understand that it is hard to decide anything for myself when i am waiting for someone else to figure themselves out first. i know it his not his fault, but because shinji has so many uncertainties in his life, i am forced to wait around to check out my options. he wants to live abroad so badly... that is fine. i dont mind moving anywhere. ANYWHERE... just fucking... when? how long will i be dragged out in this limbo?? i cant plan on staying here, yet i cannot plan on going home. i cannot settle even though my body is telling me to. so is my mind. shin is trying his best at work, but changes are too slow. he wants a kid. fine. then give me a fucking baby. ill quit work and go to school. but i cant live in this tiny fucking apartment with a kid. ok, then lets buy a place. fucking japan doesnt make that easy. the value of apartments and homes never NEVER raises. it only drops. drastically. so if we decide to go abroad, we will have to sell our place for a lot less than we payed for it. also, used houses are hard to sell here. we will have to pay taxes on it for a long ass time. plus, they are terribly expensive. not just the mortgage, but the maintenance fees are sooo expensive. and they get even more expensive with older buildings which are the only ones we can afford for the size we want. so just fuck me in the ass japan.
so i cant have a happy settled down life here. i cant go home. i cant see my mom and my friends. i have very very few friends here. i have only one friend i hang out with every once in a while and i dont consider her that close. im alone all the time. shin is busier because of work and grumpy a lot of the time. we fight alot because we are both frustrated. he gets irritated easily. our vac in greece this year looked awesome, but we fought so much. i actually have a lot of bad memories from that trip. i have no one to talk to anymore and i just rot inside. the gym is far from my place so i dont work out like i used to. i tried to lose myself in art, but i have a hard time with inspiration because im so shut out of the world. no experiences.
when shin is home, i feel like i am just sitting on the floor behind him while he plays on the computer. when he isnt, i just sit around singing or cleaning or watching some stupid movie or something.
i decided that i will start up school again in jan. i dont really like it. it is a pain and im not very interested in the subject. all i want to do is make pots. thats all i ever wanted to do.... but since i cant buy a fucking place, i cant even do that. even if i have the money, i cant do what i want. i cant just up and go home. i have to wait for shin. i have a good job here. i dont have skills for a job at home right now. i dont know what to do. if only i wasnt so alone.. i know i need to branch out, but ive gotten to a point where i dont know how to anymore. japanese people are shy to accept me, or they only consider that im foreign instead of seeing who i am. i hate almost all foreigners here. they are arrogant, petty and selfish. thats what happens to a lot of the foreigners who come here. they get treated so nice that they think they can just do whatever the fuck they want with no consequences. shin keeps me in place but now i cant relate with them and they cant with me either.
i have tried to be positive and make decisions lately. start school, get knocked up, quit work and finish my degree while the baby is young. then, i can work at a uni a couple times a week and do ceramics the rest. this is my dream and goal and i dont think i am asking too much. i think this is a reasonable goal and not hard to do,... if only i wasnt waiting for shin... im so frustrated. i want him to realize his dream, i really do. but fuckin.... just do it already!!! i cant move on with MY life at all! and the most fucked up thing is that even if he decided that he doesnt need to go abroad, if we buy a house here, the odds are very likely that his company will make him work in at a different location so he wont quit. this is a gimmick they use here to scare people from quitting. as soon as they get married and buy a house,they send them to work across the country. since selling a house is such a waste of money here, families just live separately for years. i cant fucking handle that! living by myself with a kid with no friends and no family except for shin's parents. that is not a happy life for me. like i said, im trying to stay positive and not get all frustrated. but im miserable and need company and want to have the freedom to go for my goals! i make a list of the things i need to do to realize my dreams and they ALL depend on what shin finally does. he of course cant just make teh decision. he has to have a job that will send him first. but i dont have time to be waiting for this!! if we want a kid, we need it now! im 32!! times running out for that shit! who the fuck cares about money! just buy a fucking place and we can sell it or rent it and jsut pay the fucking taxes, i dont care!! i just want my fucking freedom!!
ok, i guess that is enough ranting. ill let u know if i actually do get pregnant. we are now off protection. im fucking scared as fuck..