CRACKFIC.
Title: Every Town Needs Its Bike
Fandom: Gilmore Girls
Pairing: Dean/Stars Hollow
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 912 words
Summary: For a brilliant, thrilling moment, the townsfolk held their breath, hopeful faces turned up toward this giant sent from the Windy City to step into Eastside Tilly's slutty shoes.
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Every town, they say, needs its bike.
For Stars Hollow, nestled in lush Connecticut thirty miles from New Haven in some direction or another, it was Eastside Tilly. Since 1974 and until recently, everyone in town had had a taste of Tilly, whether they were willing to admit it or not. And not just the people you'd think, either. You'd be surprised.
But twenty-five years of sleeping around had made Eastside Tilly very tired, and by New Year's Eve 1999, when people were getting ready to party in the town square, she took the mic in the gazebo and solemnly announced her retirement. This proclamation was met with a hum of disappointment and a smidgen of panic. Not the type to go out with a whimper, Eastside Tilly went out with, well, a bang. As a farewell performance, she slept with Andrew's brother Jed, and they did it on the swing in Mrs. Slutzky's yard. Mrs. Slutzky got quite the eyeful; legend says she's never quite been the same since.
For the remainder of the winter and all of spring and summer, the good people of Stars Hollow walked around in a daze, lost without their town slut. Miss Patty tried to alleviate some of the pent-up frustration by adding an extra pole-dancing workout class to her schedule, but despite her best efforts, the town ended up with the biggest case of blue balls since the great historic mattress shortage of 1841.
Legitimate spouses couldn't keep up. Girlfriends were getting sore. Tilly took up knitting.
Fortunately for all, halfway through the new year, the town welcomed its newest family, straight from Chicago and settling into Miller's old place on Peach Street. The Foresters, a foursome of respectable red-blooded Americans, supplied the local clinic with an extra records-keeper, and its appliance shop with a new repairman. The little girl joined Miss Patty's baton-twirling class and made town news when she failed to maim anyone.
But of more interest to most was the lanky young man suddenly popping up everywere you went, fond of leaning against things and looking dashing. For a brilliant, thrilling moment, the townsfolk held their breath, hopeful faces turned up toward this giant sent from the Windy City to step into Eastside Tilly's slutty shoes. (Though not literally, since Tilly fancied sequined four-inch heels and this kid was a tall enough drink of water as it was. And preferred glitter.)
By the time the foliage turned that fall, Dean Forester had already fucked his way through half the town, and smiles were back on people's faces. Bootsy sat at his magazine stand and whistled. Gypsy wore a skirt. Even the Reverend had an extra skip in his step. Crisis averted! A special town meeting was held, and it was unanimously decided that the title of Town Bike would be bestowed on this virile young newcomer, who demonstratively had more where that had come from. Dean took the honors graciously, and went on to bend Mrs. Kim over one of her antique dressers in celebration. Never one to purposely dampen town morale, Taylor offered anyone who had already "hit that" five percent off the pharmacy section at Doosey's.
In short, Stars Hollow rejoiced.
Then, right in time to qualify as a denouement, when things were finally back to normal for this slutty little hamlet, something terrible happened. Boy met Girl. The town Ingénue, her nose usually in a book as she dreamt of higher education and ambled through the square followed by cute little animals, fell and fell hard. "Get in line!" the townspeople cried as they witnessed their brand new stud sink to his knees, powerless to resist the guileless virtue of Rory Gilmore, virgin extraordinaire, whose effortless self-restraint was talked about in hushed reverent tones throughout most surrounding counties.
Stars Hollow sounded its church bells, once, mournfully, and the townsfolk bowed down their heads in grief. In more subversive circles, there were brief talks of stoning the Virgin, Lottery-style, but in the end everyone agreed that the town needed its Ingénue as much as it needed its Bike and its Idiot (who was currently missing. Damn Hotchings kid always got himself lost. Probably up in Litchfield by now. Idiot).
And thus ended the short-lived but legendary reign of Dean Forester, bona fide Bike, who banged a whole town in less time than it took his mother to unpack the china. And so, consequently, began the much more family-friendly tale of the latest Star-Crossed Lovers, another cherished part of Stars Hollow's heritage. Oddly enough, they managed to keep it in their pants for half a decade, outlasting every bet in the pool except for Eastside Tilly's, who had a knack for that sort of thing.