"Sacraficial Ram."
The following, behind the cut, is a live recap/MST3K inspired recap of the 2008 motion picture The Wrestler. Please see my previous entry for my disclaimer regarding reviews and critiques.
The opening credits set in to the tune of Quiet Riots, "Bang your head" and snippets of sports announcers discussing the amazingness that was Randy "the Ram" Robinson; a once great pro-wrestler. Pictures of his various conquests litter the screen, everything from newspaper clippings to publicity posters letting us in on what a big deal this dude was. Oh by the way, did I mention it's Mickey Rourke, and his face is really fucked up? Like, even more so then usual because he has to look like a motley crue blend of several well known pro wrestlers for story believability. It's rough man, I wonder if he started using Coke again after this movie, not sure I'd blame him.
A lone sports announcer (from what I can tell, the voice actor stays the same throughout the entire opening sequence, so I'm guessing this was all taken from one match and just spliced around) establishes key plot points for the audience, if they're paying attention, while also providing exposition. But it's all so seamless and clever you don't even notice you're getting supplied the info you need. Plus the song is still playing, and you can't help but follow Quiet Riot's instruction. Basically, everything was once awesomely awesome, and "The Ram" was wrestling God. Also, there's even subtle foreshadowing. The announcer tells us that "The Ram's" only real opponent of worth was the "Ayatollah--The Beast from the Middle East". Apparently that was a hardcore match, but luckily "RAM JAM-A-LAM" and everything turned out fine. Seriously, this is just the first like, four minutes, and yes it's really this in depth.
Then Darren Aronofsky comes in to *BITCHSLAP* us all with his dark and devious genius as the director credit flashes across the screen and the music cuts out completely and is replaced by the thick weight sad sack phlegm cough of none other then Randy "the Ram" Robinson. Only now he's like 20 years older and sounds like he's probably gonna die in about three scenes. The cinematogrophy quickly switches from music video type flash cuts to the hand held steady cam we are more used to from Aronofsky. Shakily and slowly we enter what appears to be an elementary school classrom?! with "Ram-A-Lam" seated in the corner, his bronzed tatooed back to us, Hulk Hogan esque locks cascading down his steroid bulked shoulders. He doesn't seem too happy, especially when his promoter walks in and hands him way less cash then he expected from the match. He's all, "Great show Ram, thought I'd be able to give you more money buuuuuut I'm a douche. Sorry you're old and can barely live, see you next match."* Ram's like, "Cool dude, yeah, I really feel like continuing to perform like the "trick pony" that I am. Whatever makes you happy man. I'm just that kind of guy." Actually, he just sits there and takes it, and I'm like, "Duuuude?!" It's really quite heart wrenching, TBH.
In the next scene for some reason Ram and everyone else on camera (two really awesome extras who actually got lines and managed not to look at the camera, so good on them) is wearing like their climbing Mount Everest gear, so my guess is that it must be really cold in semi-pro wrestling gyms? Or... something? Not real sure what that's all about. The Ram is getting ready to leave and go snort a line of coke but two fans want his autograph. Really, two. The gym is empty save for two. *My heart breaks a bit more* He grumble grunts friendly like and uses one of the guys' backs to sign their poster. Then they peace out and he stands there looking twirling his pen waiting for more fans in a brilliantly heart wrenching bit of acting on Rourke's part. Seriously, this guy should have won the Oscar. So hard. Oh and as he's leaving, he's pulling this little wheeley black suitcase, and it's really tiny. It's kind of a bizzare/depressing/disconcerting image.
After he finally gets out of there, he's driving in his car listening to Cinderalla's "Don't know what you got (Till It's Gone)" and there's this bobble head action figure of him from his more successful "RAM-A-LAM-JAM" days all sadly bobbing with the music. I'm not even kidding you. It's like "Geez Darren Aronofsky, we GET IT! The guy's a washout has-been but this is just cruel!" Luckily this scene ends quickly. Maybe we'll move on to something slightly more upbeat?
ME: So the Ram gets a break now?
DARREN ARONOFSKY: *BITCHSLAP OF DARKNESS* You silly little FOOL! Mwahahaha! MWAAHAHAHAHA!
ME: *facepalm*
Meanwhile, back in Sad Sackerson land, the Ram arrives home to his trailer park?!? Dude, seriously, WTF. He gets to the door and of COURSE he's locked out because he's behind on the rent because he's a poor little semi pro wrestler washed out has-been. In case you forgot about that in the last five seconds. Has. Been. Ram. Just to clarify things. He goes to appeal to his land lord who DOESN'T EVEN ANSWER THE DOOR! What a DICK. He's practically crying at this point and flounces back to his beater van in defeat.
So he gets in his van and pops a pain pill with a beer chaser. Awesome. It's like two minutes of thundering silence as he stares mistily and with regret at pictures tacked on the van wall of the "awesomeness that was." Again. Has been. We got it. The soundtrack strums the guitar licks of washout.
The scene that follows is perhaps one of the cutest moments in cimematic history, and, FINALLY, a light at the end of a 109 minute tunnel, er--towards the beginning I suppose--but you know what I mean. Our anti-hero is awakened to the peaceful sounds of neighborhood kids shouting and banging on his van window. He tries in vain to ignore the little fuckers and then gives up, bursting out of the van with the joking snarl of WHO WOKE ME UP?!. The trailer park boys are beyond thrilled and Ram proceeds to throw them around gently in a series of mock wrestling moves such as "choke slam". The kids are in freakin' HEAVEN and Ram is never more appealing. Too bad the rest of the movie couldn't just be like this. Damn you DA. Damn you.
Then his landlord shows up and all the fun comes to a screeching halt. Ram's all; "Dude my shit is fucked UP! My back's out! I'm sad! I'm old! I'm a wash out has been! Darren Aronofsky hates me! Please let me back in my two foot wide busted ass trailer, oh please Lenny, please??" And Lenny (the landlord) is like, "Yeah no dude, I don't really feel like ever being a redeamble character in this movie, especially since I'm not important to the plot line so much, so... no." And Ram's like, "Well. Fuck." Annnd it's off to work his thankless day job.
He works at some non-descript grocery store situation as a stocker and his boss? Is a D. I. C. K. Like, hardfuckingcore. He's all, "Hey so I'm like, homeless, could I maybe I dunno, actually work more?" And his boss, Wayne, actually fucking says, What's the matter did they raise the price of tights? and I'm like, "Uh dude? Ram Jam!" But no, once again, he just bends over and takes it. Damnitt.
Then there are some scenes of him actually working, which is so rare in a movie. Afterwards; another wrestling match!
He's in the green room and the promoter is letting everyone in on the order of the matches. The wrestler's names are hilarious btw. Ram's like, bandaging himself up, groaning and wincing and basically looking generally pained when his oppontent for the match, "Tommy Rotten" walks in. They have an almost uncannily natural exchange about how they should carry out the match and it's all very realistic and awesome. Then there are various shots of the other wrestlers figuring their matches out, and that's even good. I'm totally happy with this movie. The Ram is super friendly towards his opponent and then he [Rotten] leaves and Ram-A-Lam tapes a RAZOR BLADE into his wrist pad?! Oh shit, it's about to get real. Then he slams his elbows back and forth against his palms in his trademark action in preparation for the match.
He gets all amped up and struts in to "Bang your Head". The crowd is small but is extremely receptive towards him, reaching out to high five him and stuff. Then the match goes down and it actually looks pretty real. There's lots of wrestling drama camp, and Ram flips his hair about seventy times, which is great. For a while, Tommy Rotten almost seems like he's gonna win and the crowd is PISSED. Ram's a real good sport and allows himself to be body slammed several times. THE CROWD (to "Rotten"): YOU STILL SUCK! YOU STILL SUCK!. Ram's ear starts ringing a bit, which is worrisome, and then as he's down after his most recent mat slam, he cuts his forehead with the razor blade, which Mickey Rourke actually for real did, which is HARD. CORE. Then Rotten slams his head into the corner post a bagillion times and he's all bloody; the effect working quite nicely. He eventually gets the better of Rotten, slamming him down, climbing the ring, and jumping down onto him in his trademark "RAM JAM!". Awesome.
Then the medic fixes up his forehead and ever shadey promoter dude is all "Hey guess what? Rematch with you and the Allayotah?? It'll be awesome." Ram's like, "Uh, isn't he busy? Could we not." And promoter douche is like, "Nah we have to cuz I need the MONIES!" Douuuche.
After that, the guys from the match are all waiting to talk to Ram. They really like him so much that Ram finally goes, Come on guys, let's all go take a shower together. *sneeeeerk*
Time for a trip to the strip club. Complete with a dude waiting at the door propositioning Ram for drugs. Ram's all, "Yeah dude, I'm the mack fuckin' daddy, I got you covered." This strip club looks really clean and well light. Where's this supposed to be? He comes in, sits at the bar, orders a beer, and asks for "Cassidy", and the bartender chick says she's working VIP. He goes and preens in the bathroom and then spies on her in the VIP room. Yay! It's Marisa Tomei and she looks FIIIINE. She's in there with all these younger douches and they're apparently unsatisfied with her and had wanted a younger girl. They're all, You're old enough to be my mom and I'm like, "...!!!!" Ram's hovering, hearing all of this, so you know these kiddos are fucked soon. He makes his entrance and Cassidy's automatically on defense cuz you know, he could like, crush them with his pinky finger if he wanted. He's all, "WTF? Why are you bashing my lady? I will KEEL YOU!" And they're all stupid and posturing all, I'll talk to her however I wanna talk to her. No seriously. Cassidy's all, "Yeah it's cool, I get paid to be a trash can. Don't worry. It doesn't hurt my heart. I'm not sad." Eventually the little boys figure out what's good for them and they leave so we can get to Maria Tomei's awesome boobage. Yay for boobs!
She pretends to be all mad at him, "Dude my money just left thanks a lot fucker," but it doesn't last and he charms her with, I'm better lookin' then those guys anyway which is genuinely adorable. Soon she's all naked and lap-dancing on him and he's telling her about his days of actually being famous. WASH OUT HAS BEEN! That phrase doesn't even look like words anymore. He's all, "Can I stick my cock in you btw?" And she's like *evasive titty shake*. Then she notices his bloody forehead which hadn't actually happened yet because this was Maria Tomei's first day of shooting and they shot this scene first. Oh well. Then he shows her all of his battle scars and she says he's like The Passion of the Christ. You've got the same hair. He's a Sacraficial RAM, ya dig? Then the fun's over because its, Cassidy to the main stage.
She dances to 80's metal which to me is hot, but to the audience is dated. 'DOH!
The next scene is in the gym locker room, before Ramski trains. There's this giant younger wrestler lookin' dude, all shirtless and shit. Apparently he's got every drug known to man kind. Literally. It's like five minutes of him naming off any and all drugs you can think of and more. Ram accurately states--with chaigrined disbelief and slight admiration warring in the same space--,Opened up a pharmacy, brother. However all he really wants is steroids and other GH to bulk up for the big re-match. Even so the tally still comes to a whopping $900 but the dealer's so cool he hooks it up for $450 cuz that's all Ram-A-Lam has. He's all, I know you're good for it. Awww a drug dealer with a heart of gold. Kind of nice to know he at least won't get his ass beat by this dude's thugs on top of all the wash outness. At the end there's a sweet little bit where Ram convinces the dude to flex his muscles and the guy clearly is excited to get the attention, obviously admiring Ram. It's really nice, and again, another rare moment of happiness in this otherwise bleak film.
Next up: Ram Jam shoots 'Roids STRAIGHT INTO HIS ASS! No, really. We get to watch. Why? Who really knows. Because Darren Aronofsky likes to show you people destroying their bodies. It's good fun for him. I mean it's not as if we didn't know he was gonna go shoot it up, but GEEZ.
Then he goes to work out, pumping iron like it's going out of style. This dude is RUINING HIS BODY. Whhhhy DH, WHHHHY??
After he goes to get all asthetically prepared for his next match. First he gets his roots touched up and has a great little scene with his Asian hair dresser. Despite the slight language barrier, they seem to have a great repoir. It'd kind of nice to get more insight into what kind of person he is. Yay for actual character development! Next, tanning! Although I'm not sure how he can get any oranger.
Next he and his heart of gold dealer buddy head to the hardware store to pick up supplies for what at first appears to be Meth cooking. Bug spray, foil, other various household poison and items. I'm like, "Um... maybe that's not such a great plan guys." Thankfully, as the scene progresses, you realize it is actually for an upcoming seemingly themed match. Ram tries out various props such as sheet metal, playfully bashing HOG (Heart of Gold) dealer over his shiney bald head. Well that's much better then my previous assumption. They even get the cashier involved, Ram boxes his ears lightly with padded ear muff thingeys. Dude I'm sorry, I have no idea what stuff is in hardware stores, I'm not gonna pretend.
Ah, now the explanation for why all the weirdly violent props, ie MOUSETRAPS?! It's called a "hardcore match" and according to his opponent "Necro" (LOVE. The wrestling aliases) it's all about being as shocking and fucked up as possible. I'm sure this will bode well for Ram's already teetering health. So Ram's all, "How do you wanna do this shit?" And Necro's like, "How about I whip out my handy dandy stapler gun??" And Ram's like, "Um... Staples???" Good times. The dude actually tries to reassure him all like, "They don't hurt going in, just getting RIPPED BACK OUT!" Oh joyous. Apparently Ram's fine with it all though he's all, Rock and roll--take it easy with that staple gun. Which SO DOESN'T HAPPEN.
Transition to the match where Necro apparently pulled a Jesus and is like laying there all bloody and pulpy. Uh? Shitballs? The crowd is going nuts, YOU'RE SO DEAD, YOU'RE SO DEAD! Necro struggles up out of the BARBED FUCKING WIRE PILE only to be smashed over the head with a glass fucking table and the match is OVER. Ram staggers off stage and we're left to assume that's not the end of the match coverage. Everyone backstage is all, "Uh, damn dude!" And Ram is like "Eh whatever, all in a days work." And then they have to like, glue and stitch him up because he's so ripped to peices. SAD! Also, impeccable makeup. Necro comes back with a frickin' eye patch and Ram's like, "Um sorry about smashing you over the head with a glass table dude." And Necro's like, "Yo it's cool."
It turns out the reason it's cool is because he basically fucked Ram in the ass with a chain saw for the first half of the match; as evidenced in the FOURTEEN MINUTES EARLIER flash back. They're all slapping the shit out of each other and at one point Necro actually CLIMBS A LADDER on stage and carreens down on top of poor Ram. He also sprays BUG SPRAY (ohhhh okay) in his face and then staples his nipples and the general crap out of himself and Ram. The crowd gets it right with the chanted unison shout of, YOU SICK FUCK! YOU SICK FUCK. Um, yes. And then he actually RIPS A STAPLE out of Ram's forehead Ram retaliates with a slam to the face with sheet metal. Then the fight progresses out to the crowd and the event supervisors have a coniption fit. Then some dude actually TAKES OFF HIS PROSTETIC LEG and hands it to Ram all, USE MY LEG! and then the whole crowd is chanting for him to, USE HIS LEG! USE HIS LEG. Oh and apparently this actually happened, so... that's cool. So Ram starts pummeling the crap out of Necro with the guy's leg. Then back in the ring he gets slammed into the spike of one of the rubber thingies surrounding the ring (I don't know ok, I really don't.) and it seriously punctures the crap out of his back! OUCH! The match continues on like this, really painful to watch. Thankfully, we are spared from watching the rest of it. The scene goes back to present time and they finish patching Ram up and tell him to go take a shower.
He sits there for a sec to recover then stands, approaches his locker, and proceeds to vomit all over the floor. And then the sound cuts to this horrifying ringing, which obviously is what he's hearing and he collapses to muted shouts of RAM! RAM!. Holy. Shit. Oh. NOES.
This concludes part one of this recap because it's getting long and I need a break. Part 2 will be up soonish.
*Dialogue in quotes such as " " is not actually from the movie, I made it up for comedic effect or the sake of saving time. If it's in italics then it's a direct quote. Just in case anyone was confused.
The opening credits set in to the tune of Quiet Riots, "Bang your head" and snippets of sports announcers discussing the amazingness that was Randy "the Ram" Robinson; a once great pro-wrestler. Pictures of his various conquests litter the screen, everything from newspaper clippings to publicity posters letting us in on what a big deal this dude was. Oh by the way, did I mention it's Mickey Rourke, and his face is really fucked up? Like, even more so then usual because he has to look like a motley crue blend of several well known pro wrestlers for story believability. It's rough man, I wonder if he started using Coke again after this movie, not sure I'd blame him.
A lone sports announcer (from what I can tell, the voice actor stays the same throughout the entire opening sequence, so I'm guessing this was all taken from one match and just spliced around) establishes key plot points for the audience, if they're paying attention, while also providing exposition. But it's all so seamless and clever you don't even notice you're getting supplied the info you need. Plus the song is still playing, and you can't help but follow Quiet Riot's instruction. Basically, everything was once awesomely awesome, and "The Ram" was wrestling God. Also, there's even subtle foreshadowing. The announcer tells us that "The Ram's" only real opponent of worth was the "Ayatollah--The Beast from the Middle East". Apparently that was a hardcore match, but luckily "RAM JAM-A-LAM" and everything turned out fine. Seriously, this is just the first like, four minutes, and yes it's really this in depth.
Then Darren Aronofsky comes in to *BITCHSLAP* us all with his dark and devious genius as the director credit flashes across the screen and the music cuts out completely and is replaced by the thick weight sad sack phlegm cough of none other then Randy "the Ram" Robinson. Only now he's like 20 years older and sounds like he's probably gonna die in about three scenes. The cinematogrophy quickly switches from music video type flash cuts to the hand held steady cam we are more used to from Aronofsky. Shakily and slowly we enter what appears to be an elementary school classrom?! with "Ram-A-Lam" seated in the corner, his bronzed tatooed back to us, Hulk Hogan esque locks cascading down his steroid bulked shoulders. He doesn't seem too happy, especially when his promoter walks in and hands him way less cash then he expected from the match. He's all, "Great show Ram, thought I'd be able to give you more money buuuuuut I'm a douche. Sorry you're old and can barely live, see you next match."* Ram's like, "Cool dude, yeah, I really feel like continuing to perform like the "trick pony" that I am. Whatever makes you happy man. I'm just that kind of guy." Actually, he just sits there and takes it, and I'm like, "Duuuude?!" It's really quite heart wrenching, TBH.
In the next scene for some reason Ram and everyone else on camera (two really awesome extras who actually got lines and managed not to look at the camera, so good on them) is wearing like their climbing Mount Everest gear, so my guess is that it must be really cold in semi-pro wrestling gyms? Or... something? Not real sure what that's all about. The Ram is getting ready to leave and go snort a line of coke but two fans want his autograph. Really, two. The gym is empty save for two. *My heart breaks a bit more* He grumble grunts friendly like and uses one of the guys' backs to sign their poster. Then they peace out and he stands there looking twirling his pen waiting for more fans in a brilliantly heart wrenching bit of acting on Rourke's part. Seriously, this guy should have won the Oscar. So hard. Oh and as he's leaving, he's pulling this little wheeley black suitcase, and it's really tiny. It's kind of a bizzare/depressing/disconcerting image.
After he finally gets out of there, he's driving in his car listening to Cinderalla's "Don't know what you got (Till It's Gone)" and there's this bobble head action figure of him from his more successful "RAM-A-LAM-JAM" days all sadly bobbing with the music. I'm not even kidding you. It's like "Geez Darren Aronofsky, we GET IT! The guy's a washout has-been but this is just cruel!" Luckily this scene ends quickly. Maybe we'll move on to something slightly more upbeat?
ME: So the Ram gets a break now?
DARREN ARONOFSKY: *BITCHSLAP OF DARKNESS* You silly little FOOL! Mwahahaha! MWAAHAHAHAHA!
ME: *facepalm*
Meanwhile, back in Sad Sackerson land, the Ram arrives home to his trailer park?!? Dude, seriously, WTF. He gets to the door and of COURSE he's locked out because he's behind on the rent because he's a poor little semi pro wrestler washed out has-been. In case you forgot about that in the last five seconds. Has. Been. Ram. Just to clarify things. He goes to appeal to his land lord who DOESN'T EVEN ANSWER THE DOOR! What a DICK. He's practically crying at this point and flounces back to his beater van in defeat.
So he gets in his van and pops a pain pill with a beer chaser. Awesome. It's like two minutes of thundering silence as he stares mistily and with regret at pictures tacked on the van wall of the "awesomeness that was." Again. Has been. We got it. The soundtrack strums the guitar licks of washout.
The scene that follows is perhaps one of the cutest moments in cimematic history, and, FINALLY, a light at the end of a 109 minute tunnel, er--towards the beginning I suppose--but you know what I mean. Our anti-hero is awakened to the peaceful sounds of neighborhood kids shouting and banging on his van window. He tries in vain to ignore the little fuckers and then gives up, bursting out of the van with the joking snarl of WHO WOKE ME UP?!. The trailer park boys are beyond thrilled and Ram proceeds to throw them around gently in a series of mock wrestling moves such as "choke slam". The kids are in freakin' HEAVEN and Ram is never more appealing. Too bad the rest of the movie couldn't just be like this. Damn you DA. Damn you.
Then his landlord shows up and all the fun comes to a screeching halt. Ram's all; "Dude my shit is fucked UP! My back's out! I'm sad! I'm old! I'm a wash out has been! Darren Aronofsky hates me! Please let me back in my two foot wide busted ass trailer, oh please Lenny, please??" And Lenny (the landlord) is like, "Yeah no dude, I don't really feel like ever being a redeamble character in this movie, especially since I'm not important to the plot line so much, so... no." And Ram's like, "Well. Fuck." Annnd it's off to work his thankless day job.
He works at some non-descript grocery store situation as a stocker and his boss? Is a D. I. C. K. Like, hardfuckingcore. He's all, "Hey so I'm like, homeless, could I maybe I dunno, actually work more?" And his boss, Wayne, actually fucking says, What's the matter did they raise the price of tights? and I'm like, "Uh dude? Ram Jam!" But no, once again, he just bends over and takes it. Damnitt.
Then there are some scenes of him actually working, which is so rare in a movie. Afterwards; another wrestling match!
He's in the green room and the promoter is letting everyone in on the order of the matches. The wrestler's names are hilarious btw. Ram's like, bandaging himself up, groaning and wincing and basically looking generally pained when his oppontent for the match, "Tommy Rotten" walks in. They have an almost uncannily natural exchange about how they should carry out the match and it's all very realistic and awesome. Then there are various shots of the other wrestlers figuring their matches out, and that's even good. I'm totally happy with this movie. The Ram is super friendly towards his opponent and then he [Rotten] leaves and Ram-A-Lam tapes a RAZOR BLADE into his wrist pad?! Oh shit, it's about to get real. Then he slams his elbows back and forth against his palms in his trademark action in preparation for the match.
He gets all amped up and struts in to "Bang your Head". The crowd is small but is extremely receptive towards him, reaching out to high five him and stuff. Then the match goes down and it actually looks pretty real. There's lots of wrestling drama camp, and Ram flips his hair about seventy times, which is great. For a while, Tommy Rotten almost seems like he's gonna win and the crowd is PISSED. Ram's a real good sport and allows himself to be body slammed several times. THE CROWD (to "Rotten"): YOU STILL SUCK! YOU STILL SUCK!. Ram's ear starts ringing a bit, which is worrisome, and then as he's down after his most recent mat slam, he cuts his forehead with the razor blade, which Mickey Rourke actually for real did, which is HARD. CORE. Then Rotten slams his head into the corner post a bagillion times and he's all bloody; the effect working quite nicely. He eventually gets the better of Rotten, slamming him down, climbing the ring, and jumping down onto him in his trademark "RAM JAM!". Awesome.
Then the medic fixes up his forehead and ever shadey promoter dude is all "Hey guess what? Rematch with you and the Allayotah?? It'll be awesome." Ram's like, "Uh, isn't he busy? Could we not." And promoter douche is like, "Nah we have to cuz I need the MONIES!" Douuuche.
After that, the guys from the match are all waiting to talk to Ram. They really like him so much that Ram finally goes, Come on guys, let's all go take a shower together. *sneeeeerk*
Time for a trip to the strip club. Complete with a dude waiting at the door propositioning Ram for drugs. Ram's all, "Yeah dude, I'm the mack fuckin' daddy, I got you covered." This strip club looks really clean and well light. Where's this supposed to be? He comes in, sits at the bar, orders a beer, and asks for "Cassidy", and the bartender chick says she's working VIP. He goes and preens in the bathroom and then spies on her in the VIP room. Yay! It's Marisa Tomei and she looks FIIIINE. She's in there with all these younger douches and they're apparently unsatisfied with her and had wanted a younger girl. They're all, You're old enough to be my mom and I'm like, "...!!!!" Ram's hovering, hearing all of this, so you know these kiddos are fucked soon. He makes his entrance and Cassidy's automatically on defense cuz you know, he could like, crush them with his pinky finger if he wanted. He's all, "WTF? Why are you bashing my lady? I will KEEL YOU!" And they're all stupid and posturing all, I'll talk to her however I wanna talk to her. No seriously. Cassidy's all, "Yeah it's cool, I get paid to be a trash can. Don't worry. It doesn't hurt my heart. I'm not sad." Eventually the little boys figure out what's good for them and they leave so we can get to Maria Tomei's awesome boobage. Yay for boobs!
She pretends to be all mad at him, "Dude my money just left thanks a lot fucker," but it doesn't last and he charms her with, I'm better lookin' then those guys anyway which is genuinely adorable. Soon she's all naked and lap-dancing on him and he's telling her about his days of actually being famous. WASH OUT HAS BEEN! That phrase doesn't even look like words anymore. He's all, "Can I stick my cock in you btw?" And she's like *evasive titty shake*. Then she notices his bloody forehead which hadn't actually happened yet because this was Maria Tomei's first day of shooting and they shot this scene first. Oh well. Then he shows her all of his battle scars and she says he's like The Passion of the Christ. You've got the same hair. He's a Sacraficial RAM, ya dig? Then the fun's over because its, Cassidy to the main stage.
She dances to 80's metal which to me is hot, but to the audience is dated. 'DOH!
The next scene is in the gym locker room, before Ramski trains. There's this giant younger wrestler lookin' dude, all shirtless and shit. Apparently he's got every drug known to man kind. Literally. It's like five minutes of him naming off any and all drugs you can think of and more. Ram accurately states--with chaigrined disbelief and slight admiration warring in the same space--,Opened up a pharmacy, brother. However all he really wants is steroids and other GH to bulk up for the big re-match. Even so the tally still comes to a whopping $900 but the dealer's so cool he hooks it up for $450 cuz that's all Ram-A-Lam has. He's all, I know you're good for it. Awww a drug dealer with a heart of gold. Kind of nice to know he at least won't get his ass beat by this dude's thugs on top of all the wash outness. At the end there's a sweet little bit where Ram convinces the dude to flex his muscles and the guy clearly is excited to get the attention, obviously admiring Ram. It's really nice, and again, another rare moment of happiness in this otherwise bleak film.
Next up: Ram Jam shoots 'Roids STRAIGHT INTO HIS ASS! No, really. We get to watch. Why? Who really knows. Because Darren Aronofsky likes to show you people destroying their bodies. It's good fun for him. I mean it's not as if we didn't know he was gonna go shoot it up, but GEEZ.
Then he goes to work out, pumping iron like it's going out of style. This dude is RUINING HIS BODY. Whhhhy DH, WHHHHY??
After he goes to get all asthetically prepared for his next match. First he gets his roots touched up and has a great little scene with his Asian hair dresser. Despite the slight language barrier, they seem to have a great repoir. It'd kind of nice to get more insight into what kind of person he is. Yay for actual character development! Next, tanning! Although I'm not sure how he can get any oranger.
Next he and his heart of gold dealer buddy head to the hardware store to pick up supplies for what at first appears to be Meth cooking. Bug spray, foil, other various household poison and items. I'm like, "Um... maybe that's not such a great plan guys." Thankfully, as the scene progresses, you realize it is actually for an upcoming seemingly themed match. Ram tries out various props such as sheet metal, playfully bashing HOG (Heart of Gold) dealer over his shiney bald head. Well that's much better then my previous assumption. They even get the cashier involved, Ram boxes his ears lightly with padded ear muff thingeys. Dude I'm sorry, I have no idea what stuff is in hardware stores, I'm not gonna pretend.
Ah, now the explanation for why all the weirdly violent props, ie MOUSETRAPS?! It's called a "hardcore match" and according to his opponent "Necro" (LOVE. The wrestling aliases) it's all about being as shocking and fucked up as possible. I'm sure this will bode well for Ram's already teetering health. So Ram's all, "How do you wanna do this shit?" And Necro's like, "How about I whip out my handy dandy stapler gun??" And Ram's like, "Um... Staples???" Good times. The dude actually tries to reassure him all like, "They don't hurt going in, just getting RIPPED BACK OUT!" Oh joyous. Apparently Ram's fine with it all though he's all, Rock and roll--take it easy with that staple gun. Which SO DOESN'T HAPPEN.
Transition to the match where Necro apparently pulled a Jesus and is like laying there all bloody and pulpy. Uh? Shitballs? The crowd is going nuts, YOU'RE SO DEAD, YOU'RE SO DEAD! Necro struggles up out of the BARBED FUCKING WIRE PILE only to be smashed over the head with a glass fucking table and the match is OVER. Ram staggers off stage and we're left to assume that's not the end of the match coverage. Everyone backstage is all, "Uh, damn dude!" And Ram is like "Eh whatever, all in a days work." And then they have to like, glue and stitch him up because he's so ripped to peices. SAD! Also, impeccable makeup. Necro comes back with a frickin' eye patch and Ram's like, "Um sorry about smashing you over the head with a glass table dude." And Necro's like, "Yo it's cool."
It turns out the reason it's cool is because he basically fucked Ram in the ass with a chain saw for the first half of the match; as evidenced in the FOURTEEN MINUTES EARLIER flash back. They're all slapping the shit out of each other and at one point Necro actually CLIMBS A LADDER on stage and carreens down on top of poor Ram. He also sprays BUG SPRAY (ohhhh okay) in his face and then staples his nipples and the general crap out of himself and Ram. The crowd gets it right with the chanted unison shout of, YOU SICK FUCK! YOU SICK FUCK. Um, yes. And then he actually RIPS A STAPLE out of Ram's forehead Ram retaliates with a slam to the face with sheet metal. Then the fight progresses out to the crowd and the event supervisors have a coniption fit. Then some dude actually TAKES OFF HIS PROSTETIC LEG and hands it to Ram all, USE MY LEG! and then the whole crowd is chanting for him to, USE HIS LEG! USE HIS LEG. Oh and apparently this actually happened, so... that's cool. So Ram starts pummeling the crap out of Necro with the guy's leg. Then back in the ring he gets slammed into the spike of one of the rubber thingies surrounding the ring (I don't know ok, I really don't.) and it seriously punctures the crap out of his back! OUCH! The match continues on like this, really painful to watch. Thankfully, we are spared from watching the rest of it. The scene goes back to present time and they finish patching Ram up and tell him to go take a shower.
He sits there for a sec to recover then stands, approaches his locker, and proceeds to vomit all over the floor. And then the sound cuts to this horrifying ringing, which obviously is what he's hearing and he collapses to muted shouts of RAM! RAM!. Holy. Shit. Oh. NOES.
This concludes part one of this recap because it's getting long and I need a break. Part 2 will be up soonish.
*Dialogue in quotes such as " " is not actually from the movie, I made it up for comedic effect or the sake of saving time. If it's in italics then it's a direct quote. Just in case anyone was confused.