I'm jaded... I hate it
I try not to make these entries stupid.
I try not to make these entries super emotional and blah.
I don't really see the point.
But right now I kind of feel like I need to work things out.
First of all, yes I am the wicked cool kid who is home on a Friday night. Score one for me.
But anyways, I've been thinking...
In about 8th grade I learned the word façade. It was defined as something like "a fake exterior." Or something along those lines. It was pretty much my favorite word, and not just because of that little squiggle under the "c", which on a side note, I thought was the coolest thing ever to write. I perceived it as a good thing - like when a fresh coat of paint on a building made that building pretty and rejuvenated. Yeah so... I was wrong. They are not good things. But I realize.. soooo many people have them. It seems as if everyone has this mask of some sort, this fake exterior, because everyone has something that they want to hide. These things vary - one could be trying to hide an emotion (or several), or one could be hiding a situation or an issue that they are dealing with. But I think that whenever a person puts up this façade, they are not being true to themselves or to others. Wow reading that, it seems so cheesy and corny (typically two adjectives I do not like to have describing myself or things that I say or do), buy I do really believe this is true.
I'm Greek. Specifically, I'm Spartan. My dad used to teach me what the Spartan motto was. When they went to war, the soldiers were told to either come back victorious or come back dead on their shield. I think that this philosophy has made me a fighter by instinct. It is a sign of weakness for me to show negative emotion. I have to be strong, I need to keep in firm grasp of my emotions - I cannot let them get out of control. This is my mask.
When I feel like these emotions are getting out of control, I panic. I try to compensate by being overly happy, if that even makes sense. The more things build up, the more I smile and reassure others that I'm okay. Tonight I took off that mask. I had one of those self realization moments (which I know you allll care about...) when I let my mind finally wrap around the fact that I was upset. I was upset that nothing can ever fucking go right in my life. I was upset about the fact that I was lied to. I was upset about the fact that I had no fucking control over the situation, what went down, and the result (yeah some of you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, sorryyyy). I was upset at myself for acting like everything was okay. And I was upset that I was getting this upset.
So then. I took a deep breath. And a HOT shower. And I cried. Yeah it happens, I'm a girl, I'm emotional, I cry. Sorry. But I got out. And now I'm okay. And really, like, I'm not lying. This isn't the mask. This is me, hate it or love it. I've realized that some things are out of my control, and while yes, I'm frustrated, I'm not angry or upset anymore. Regarding a specific situation, I'm hoping that everything is for the better - for both me and you. And in generalities, I'm hoping that the façade makes less frequent appearances and that I stop bottling things up. This statement in and of itself is a lie, beacuse I know myself well enough to know that I will keep up this bad habit, but I will try to break it I guess. And now I'm feeling kinda empty since I spilled this all out but whatever, I'll get over it.
That's about it...
To anyone who actually read that: sorry for my ranting and raving... I realize I don't do it often, and I'll try to keep it that way...
Have a good night (:
I try not to make these entries super emotional and blah.
I don't really see the point.
But right now I kind of feel like I need to work things out.
First of all, yes I am the wicked cool kid who is home on a Friday night. Score one for me.
But anyways, I've been thinking...
In about 8th grade I learned the word façade. It was defined as something like "a fake exterior." Or something along those lines. It was pretty much my favorite word, and not just because of that little squiggle under the "c", which on a side note, I thought was the coolest thing ever to write. I perceived it as a good thing - like when a fresh coat of paint on a building made that building pretty and rejuvenated. Yeah so... I was wrong. They are not good things. But I realize.. soooo many people have them. It seems as if everyone has this mask of some sort, this fake exterior, because everyone has something that they want to hide. These things vary - one could be trying to hide an emotion (or several), or one could be hiding a situation or an issue that they are dealing with. But I think that whenever a person puts up this façade, they are not being true to themselves or to others. Wow reading that, it seems so cheesy and corny (typically two adjectives I do not like to have describing myself or things that I say or do), buy I do really believe this is true.
I'm Greek. Specifically, I'm Spartan. My dad used to teach me what the Spartan motto was. When they went to war, the soldiers were told to either come back victorious or come back dead on their shield. I think that this philosophy has made me a fighter by instinct. It is a sign of weakness for me to show negative emotion. I have to be strong, I need to keep in firm grasp of my emotions - I cannot let them get out of control. This is my mask.
When I feel like these emotions are getting out of control, I panic. I try to compensate by being overly happy, if that even makes sense. The more things build up, the more I smile and reassure others that I'm okay. Tonight I took off that mask. I had one of those self realization moments (which I know you allll care about...) when I let my mind finally wrap around the fact that I was upset. I was upset that nothing can ever fucking go right in my life. I was upset about the fact that I was lied to. I was upset about the fact that I had no fucking control over the situation, what went down, and the result (yeah some of you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, sorryyyy). I was upset at myself for acting like everything was okay. And I was upset that I was getting this upset.
So then. I took a deep breath. And a HOT shower. And I cried. Yeah it happens, I'm a girl, I'm emotional, I cry. Sorry. But I got out. And now I'm okay. And really, like, I'm not lying. This isn't the mask. This is me, hate it or love it. I've realized that some things are out of my control, and while yes, I'm frustrated, I'm not angry or upset anymore. Regarding a specific situation, I'm hoping that everything is for the better - for both me and you. And in generalities, I'm hoping that the façade makes less frequent appearances and that I stop bottling things up. This statement in and of itself is a lie, beacuse I know myself well enough to know that I will keep up this bad habit, but I will try to break it I guess. And now I'm feeling kinda empty since I spilled this all out but whatever, I'll get over it.
That's about it...
To anyone who actually read that: sorry for my ranting and raving... I realize I don't do it often, and I'll try to keep it that way...
Have a good night (: