A little update
I got a paper journal last monday... i've written quite a bit in that... however with writing there i have neglected this... i don't need journal after journal after journal. but for some reason when i write in my written journal i want to make sense and here i don't feel that need or want. It's great. I can just do anything say anything be anything and when people judge me i don't care because i'm still me. I like other people reading my writing and saying "Hey... i don't really understand" 'cause it makes me feel different. It make me feel my own and no one else's. I am me. I love it.
And when people talk behind my back that's fine. Let them think of me all the time. Let me be so important to them that i must be on their minds even when i am not present. Even if they say bad things. Let them. I don't care anymore. I'll live and all they are doing is wasting their own time by talking about me.
I've realized the uselessness of paranoia. It's not something that you can just take away... but what's the point? Oh no... their talking about me... who gives a care really?
I want to keep on going until all the words within me dry up and there is nothing left to say. Bt i can't. There is so much in me that is a part of what i have to say and i can not say it because it's someone else's to say. I want to say it all and i say nothing because they trust me. Everything i know about me i would share. But a part of me is them and so i will not.
I will no longer be a shattered mirror. I will not be a reflection of everybody and nothing of myself. No matter how hard that is I will achieve this goal. I want to be all me. Everything. I'm not even sure if that's possible.
I love my friends and what they are for me... but i am realizing slowly that those i call friends and those that actually are my friends are two different things. There is so much to friendship that no one even realizes. It revolves around trust and comfort, the ability to see that something is wrong.
I have a best friend. He does not call me his best friend... only i call him it. He alls me naught but a close friend. And that's ok. That doesn't make me any less sure of the fact that he is my best friend. He's learning what it means to be my bestfriend. He's treating me like a friend at all times. Someday i hope to hear him call me his best friend. If that day ever comes them that is fine as well. A wish is but a wish.
and so my life goes on.
And when people talk behind my back that's fine. Let them think of me all the time. Let me be so important to them that i must be on their minds even when i am not present. Even if they say bad things. Let them. I don't care anymore. I'll live and all they are doing is wasting their own time by talking about me.
I've realized the uselessness of paranoia. It's not something that you can just take away... but what's the point? Oh no... their talking about me... who gives a care really?
I want to keep on going until all the words within me dry up and there is nothing left to say. Bt i can't. There is so much in me that is a part of what i have to say and i can not say it because it's someone else's to say. I want to say it all and i say nothing because they trust me. Everything i know about me i would share. But a part of me is them and so i will not.
I will no longer be a shattered mirror. I will not be a reflection of everybody and nothing of myself. No matter how hard that is I will achieve this goal. I want to be all me. Everything. I'm not even sure if that's possible.
I love my friends and what they are for me... but i am realizing slowly that those i call friends and those that actually are my friends are two different things. There is so much to friendship that no one even realizes. It revolves around trust and comfort, the ability to see that something is wrong.
I have a best friend. He does not call me his best friend... only i call him it. He alls me naught but a close friend. And that's ok. That doesn't make me any less sure of the fact that he is my best friend. He's learning what it means to be my bestfriend. He's treating me like a friend at all times. Someday i hope to hear him call me his best friend. If that day ever comes them that is fine as well. A wish is but a wish.
and so my life goes on.