to begin, yay for caridee
i have two years of memories of people who don't exist anymore. literally do not exist. half of my college life, the only college life i knew in berkeley until this semester, is dominated by people who do not exist. whether mental illness has stolen my friends, or self-absorbed ugly kids were their downfalls, i possess literally two years of life that aren't even real. Two of the people I told my biggest secrets to are gone, to superficiality or white walls. While I want to believe Anjana that I "dodged a bullet," it hurts my heart everytime something little happens and I want to call him. Or I think about how I could just pick up my phone and dial ten numbers until I heard her voice. But it would be the voice that willingly laughed at me when I was crying myself to sleep. And that's not a voice I deserve to hear, or really even want to hear, but a voicebox I wish I could bash in. I want Carol's trach tube in your throat so you can't finish your sentences, you unthoughtful bitch. Enjoy her ice chips, it's not like there's ever anything else your mouth anyway. I can't wait until karma walks up on you (though honestly, I've seen you, and it already has) and you realize what a giant fad you are. You are so rich LA it hurts. It hurts me that I cared about you. Almost more than it hurts me that some idiotic skinny fuck accentuated his drama and kept him from a reality he and I can share. But at the end of the day, at least I know that those two years were real with one of you. And it's not your fault I miss you, I just can't handle that kind of drama anymore. And I'm sorry, love, I really am.
What are two years here of people who don't exist and one year there with a boy who loved me more than I loved him? I feel terrible that I couldn't love back what he wanted. I feel terrible that you're gone. I feel cheated that you're gone. I hope a car hits you and your blubber can't stop it. I hope your serotonin finds a way back to your gill and the aplysia works again.
I miss things. I still have the people who really matter to me, it just makes me sad that after three years, only three people I used to know here still give a fuck.
Did you know I saw you the other night? I know you live time zones away, but there you were. A little straighter, and about 25, but his smile was yours. And I almost cringed when he spoke, your teeth shone so bright.
I think I just want you back.
What are two years here of people who don't exist and one year there with a boy who loved me more than I loved him? I feel terrible that I couldn't love back what he wanted. I feel terrible that you're gone. I feel cheated that you're gone. I hope a car hits you and your blubber can't stop it. I hope your serotonin finds a way back to your gill and the aplysia works again.
I miss things. I still have the people who really matter to me, it just makes me sad that after three years, only three people I used to know here still give a fuck.
Did you know I saw you the other night? I know you live time zones away, but there you were. A little straighter, and about 25, but his smile was yours. And I almost cringed when he spoke, your teeth shone so bright.
I think I just want you back.