Imprinted.
Just to state a random fact:
Even though I had a fantastic weekend, I still feel empty and incomplete. Unimportant sex just doesn't cut it for me.
And reading through your journal entries doesn't exactly feel good anymore either. It just makes me feel like a super douche.
I keep reading the entries around 2004 and 2005, before I got trapped in a long drawn out process. And out of all the things I expected to remember, I got none of those. I remembered how shitty I felt trying to cover my thoughts from Lauren Glass, even though I knew every night that I missed her and deeply regretted being such a stupid, blind asshat to her. Even though we both kinda moved on after that, it was still hard on me when we'd hang out or talk. I know that she could tell, but she didn't press the issue, which I'm grateful for.
I had a dream last week about her, and now she's been on my mind. I doubt anything will come of it, because there's something about the time and distance between me and a girl that's always insanely busy that makes everything just a little bit harder on me to handle. We've been talking via myspace for a while, but y'know, it never hurts to dream.
I don't know if after this whole forgetting process, repressed things are bubbling up, or if there's something more to it, but I've got to do something about this feeling I have. It's like all the paint I threw on the wall is starting to peel off just as I move out of this house, and the last night before the lease is up, I sit and look at all the layers and see who imprinted with me the strongest.
I think the purple wall won.
I don't like feeling like a super douche, I don't know why I acted that way back then. I'd never do it now, because I've mellowed out a crapload, but I definitely feel slightly guilty about that. And, not to mention that I STILL think that breaking up with her was my biggest mistake.
Bah. Resolution will come one day.