Because Dancing Helps Your Forget Whats Behind Innocent Eyes...
I have a very complicated thought string at the moment.
Brittany texted me Thursday telling me to not have feelings for Shieanne anymore.
I could have lied to save myself some trouble, but I wanted to be truthful, not to her, but to myself. So the more she said made me feel worse for sitting here waiting for my life to pick itself up and make things right so that I could have a girlfriend.
And it turns out Shieanne didn't know about anything that was said.
My phone was turned off all day Friday.
I didn't get any messages and I slept until 3. Power Nap to the extreme, yo.
So then, I meet up with Derek saturday morning looking to go downtown and escape life for a while when Shieanne texts me asking me how I'm doing. Her checking up on me makes me feel better, but everything is still in the back of my head ticking away. She was at Spirit Square, so Derek and I walked over there to see the Dance competition there. We met up with Shieanne and D'mitri and her parents and just walked around for a little bit. I kept to myself a little more than I should have, but y'know, whatever.
I finally asked her if she knew what Brittany and I talked about.
She told me she didn't. And I believed her.
Something about the way she looked at me right then, I dunno. I'm a sucker when it comes to mushy things.
But I kept thinking about it, and I asked her again later when I wasn't standing right in front of her. She said the same thing.
But I doubted her, and I hate to doubt.
I don't know how a person manages to trust someone and doubt them in the same instant, but I just can't decide.
And then I hear things from other people and I think more on what I should leave alone.
I sat down to do some writing, when I found some old letters I had written for you. Either I really wanted you to trust me or I wanted you to be comfortable with me, I dunno, but it was weird seeing my heart plastered all over those papers. Especially when not very many people see me when I'm upset with myself or worse.
I think about you.
And then I'm not so sure I should be waiting in line.
I guess I'm tired of being the 'brother' types in all my relationships.
Sure, they yield some fun times and profound thoughts, but I want to BELONG to someone. And with his name sitting here in my phone, it just pisses me off to see it sitting there taunting me. It makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort to even consider. And that doesn't go for you, that goes for every other girl I've been interested in. I don't know if you can see how much I've fought for you or how much strength I've got left while I'm just hanging on flapping in the wind like this, but once my life comes together, I can't guarantee that I'll still be waiting. I might try one last time for you, and if it comes down to nothing more than a simple friendship, then I'll have to settle for it.
I almost took for granted the friends that I have and how much help they can be.
It's heartwarming to know that I'm thought about and that my heart is actually thought about, but for once I know exactly what has to go down for all this to click together. And a single ounce of Doubt could ruin that whole plan.
I've learned to follow my heart as best as I can, and so far the name pulsing inside of it hasn't changed. I don't know why, I couldn't tell you. But, until her name fades off or I die in the meantime trying to get her, I'm always going to love her from top to bottom, it's as simple as that.
This is how I was taught to love - wholeheartedly or not at all.
Brittany texted me Thursday telling me to not have feelings for Shieanne anymore.
I could have lied to save myself some trouble, but I wanted to be truthful, not to her, but to myself. So the more she said made me feel worse for sitting here waiting for my life to pick itself up and make things right so that I could have a girlfriend.
And it turns out Shieanne didn't know about anything that was said.
My phone was turned off all day Friday.
I didn't get any messages and I slept until 3. Power Nap to the extreme, yo.
So then, I meet up with Derek saturday morning looking to go downtown and escape life for a while when Shieanne texts me asking me how I'm doing. Her checking up on me makes me feel better, but everything is still in the back of my head ticking away. She was at Spirit Square, so Derek and I walked over there to see the Dance competition there. We met up with Shieanne and D'mitri and her parents and just walked around for a little bit. I kept to myself a little more than I should have, but y'know, whatever.
I finally asked her if she knew what Brittany and I talked about.
She told me she didn't. And I believed her.
Something about the way she looked at me right then, I dunno. I'm a sucker when it comes to mushy things.
But I kept thinking about it, and I asked her again later when I wasn't standing right in front of her. She said the same thing.
But I doubted her, and I hate to doubt.
I don't know how a person manages to trust someone and doubt them in the same instant, but I just can't decide.
And then I hear things from other people and I think more on what I should leave alone.
I sat down to do some writing, when I found some old letters I had written for you. Either I really wanted you to trust me or I wanted you to be comfortable with me, I dunno, but it was weird seeing my heart plastered all over those papers. Especially when not very many people see me when I'm upset with myself or worse.
I think about you.
And then I'm not so sure I should be waiting in line.
I guess I'm tired of being the 'brother' types in all my relationships.
Sure, they yield some fun times and profound thoughts, but I want to BELONG to someone. And with his name sitting here in my phone, it just pisses me off to see it sitting there taunting me. It makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort to even consider. And that doesn't go for you, that goes for every other girl I've been interested in. I don't know if you can see how much I've fought for you or how much strength I've got left while I'm just hanging on flapping in the wind like this, but once my life comes together, I can't guarantee that I'll still be waiting. I might try one last time for you, and if it comes down to nothing more than a simple friendship, then I'll have to settle for it.
I almost took for granted the friends that I have and how much help they can be.
It's heartwarming to know that I'm thought about and that my heart is actually thought about, but for once I know exactly what has to go down for all this to click together. And a single ounce of Doubt could ruin that whole plan.
I've learned to follow my heart as best as I can, and so far the name pulsing inside of it hasn't changed. I don't know why, I couldn't tell you. But, until her name fades off or I die in the meantime trying to get her, I'm always going to love her from top to bottom, it's as simple as that.
This is how I was taught to love - wholeheartedly or not at all.