Massive: my epiphany
so this is a massive post..... I don't know. Whatever. This is my epiphany.
I hate writing "bios."
But if I had to tell you about myself; you need to know I've been through a lot.
Lots of kids come from broken homes, but my parents are repeat offenders. Each married three times. And numerous lovers and relationships. My dad wasn't around. He was in the Military. My Mom was forced out of my life until a couple of months ago. Probably a good thing since neither of us were ready for each other until now most likely. So I lived with my dad's parents.
My Nana & Ba.
(I lived with them off and on. Sometimes the family "decided" I would live with my dad and stepmom #1-gail. Sometimes I decided life might be better with my dad.)
My Nana is the most important person in the world to me. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. but she was amazing. Beautiful. Intelligent. And Fucking Funny. She died a year and a half ago. I haven't dealt with it yet. I don't want to. My Ba (Ba is short for father in greek) is the kindest, gentlest, most sincear and loving man you'll ever meet. There is no questioning of his motives or thoughts. He's straight up just perfect. He never did anything but love and care for his family. And is eternally faithfull to my Nana. I'm not gonna get into my relationship with my dad. We had some good times, but it mostly was not a peachy keen time. I still wish for the dad I never had. But then I stop, slap myself and say "You do, it's your Ba."
I've been arrested three times. Twice for theft and once for fraud. I didn't graduate from highschool. I started going to University, but I dropped out at the end of my second year when I started spending all my money on cocaine and clublife instead of tuition and rent. I've dabbled in paganism, and left all religion behind a while ago, but my heart lies with God. I did not realize this till recently. I still am having trouble with giving up control to religion. So I wont. I believe everyone should feel what they feel. All truths lead to the one truth and are all part of it. I hate change. But I seem to need it.
Music is my life and I want to learn how to spin records. Helping others, (hopefully through music) is my calling. I'm battling a war with addictions. I will come out strong. I really want to learn how to love and let myself be loved. I need to learn how to hate and let myself be hated. I need to learn to feel and feel what others feel about me, instead of putting my emotions into a deep dark gaping whole inside me that I'm still trying to fill. I am conceited. I am shallow. I am smart. I am me. Take it or leave it bitches.
Now all that emotional bullshit is done, you know why I am the way I am. My passion is....
My favorite thing to do is dance. I don't care what kind of music it is, but if you can make me dance, I will. When I dance I forget about everything. It's just me, moving with the music, letting those beats flow through my body. The bass shaking through my bones. The beast of a melody making my muscles flex. The lyrics pusing me to perform. Speeding up, cooling off, slowing down, getting sweaty. My true drug. Better than sex (nah, but pretty damn close to the next best thing). And on that wood in front of a DJ is where I loose myself. Move myself.
I AM...
I am one of the shyest outgoing people you will meet. I love cooking and baking. I hate cleaning up the mess. I'm tall & skinny. I'm lucky that way, I eat whatever, whenever, however I like. But constantly, in a little dank corner of my brain, I'm watching my figure. My Nana was a model and dancer when she was my age. I wish I was a model. But I'm getting too old. And I'm probably too ethnic.
I like people who I can have stupid fun with. Like retarded road trips from Nanaimo to Vic to see a band. Or a boy that's there to see a band. Or going to the bar half an hour after it opens and dancing till close non-stop without a drop of alcohol touching my tongue or any drugs. Except cigarettes. And I refuse to give those up right now. But I can't afford to smoke, so I bum them like an 18 year old waiting for his 19th birthday so he can buy them. Playing tetris for hours. Hosting "p" parties, pudding wrestling parties, dress to be screwed parties. I miss skipping classes to go be a "tourist" in the next town over. Or Tuesday night movies which were cheap and we'd drive around like fools. I miss going for coffee and feeling like we were better than everyone. I miss being happy.
I want to be passionate again. I started this so I'd have something to fill that BIO: space or the about me! blank. But I think Someone wanted me to write this so I would know about me. Because I don't anymore. I don't know myself. I need to learn about me, and I need help doing this. So I'll pray. To the stars tonight, that I'll learn. And be passionate again.