ah crapola
so who doesn't love rollercoasters? I mean really, it spins you around, makes you feel high, then like puking, then like your free from everything, then it plunges you down into it's firey pits again- what a rush- great huh?. But see, my life's rollercoaster- not so much. See, things have been bad- I now know that I can't expect for things to ever really go the I want them too. I just can't help but want to control everything. HELLO?!? This is me we're talking about. But, see, God tells me to "BE STILL and know that I am God" so this is what I must do. So I did, i sat back, and tried to do nothing. I tried to let the situation be controled by other means outside of my own abilities and what happened?? It go out of control. Well actually, I guess that everything is really in control, but because i'm not controlling it and it's not the way i want it, i consider it disorderly. And it's funny how I knew things were in a state of tumult before i even found out! I mean, i actually gfuessed what thety were before they were told to me- now if that's not a sign of my doomed fate to be perpetually screwed over, i don't know what is. So anyways, I thought i could be fine with the outcome. and so i looked up the dictionary definition of the word "understanding" - here's what it said >> "the mental quality, act, or state of a person who understands; comprehension, knowledge, discernment, sympathetic awareness; a mutual agreement; having or characterized by sympathy." funny i didn't thihnk that that was what understanding would feel ike. Because honestly, I consider myself extremely understanding... honestly, like I'm not bragging, but I do have a large range of understanding and compassion because I know that people screw up. But i didn't think understanding required "comprehension" because in that definition of the word i am not understanding- i don't get it. So then, being an IB kid I looked up Love, to see if I was misinterpreting that definition too... "love- a strong feeling of attachment, affection, or devotion due to a strong, usually passionate liking or interest in a person or persons." So I wasn't too far off. "devotion". Tricky word. Now-a-days apparently it doesn't mean forever. hmmm... so can you love one person, but desire another? Is this simply a distinction between eros and agape? I don't know but i know i loved, i loved what my mind saw before- but then if what i loved has changed, and i don't like it then do i still love it? personally, yes, but does it work in the reversed scenario? Basically, since oct 10th, that fateful day when the world turned upsidedown, and freedom in the form of an 18 year old seemed better defined by frivilous physical acts, rater than by previously made and accepted feelings and emotions, no. I know i will always feel the way i do. There's nothting that can change it, but i am in love with a guy who is charming, considerate, intelligent, responsible, trustworthy, sypathetic, respectful, sweet, caring, mature,good listener, good kisser, comforting, strengthening, lovable, and so much more, but lately, this peroson who i envision in my mind, who i see before my eyes, has lost some of it's qualities. Am i being jealous when i don't want them to put their lips, the same ones i kissed, those same ones i breathed passionately over, those same ones who whispered those three fateful words.... all over someone else?? Is that wrong of me? I mean, who do i think i am right? I know that my happiness would not be anywhere nearly as high as it is now (even though it is pretty low) is he wasn't happy, so i guess I'm better off for being "understanding" right? I just want things to work out- even if it's not good for me in the long run- the indecisiveness is absolutely killing me. So i don't know, i'll always be here- enraptured by those words, breathtaken by those eyes, melting at that touch, but what of thise new presence? this new attitude which 11 days since has ruined my idealistic world? What if it's still here when the phase is over? what if thise phase lasts longer than we have together? what if he goes off to college next year and we're like this? In a sick and twisted turn out- what if we both end up at Univ. of Chicago- HAHAHA! I don't know- at first I was upset b/c of just being screwed over again, but now it's not even that. I dont even consider my pride as a factor in this at all. I just see this person who i fall in love with all over again, time and time again, changing. So what happens when he does run back? When the flippacy of this structure of life becomes old and stability is saught? When he realizes, as he has so many times in the past, that what is true, what is pure, what real happiness can feel like, lies within that which has been here all along. I don't know- i know that i haven't cried, i haven't broken anything, and although my headaches never cease, my heartache is only minimal compared to the earthquakes of previous years. I feel at peace knowing that this has passed, but teeter on the fact that it is never-ending- and i don't want it to be. I just seek stability- but i am forever assured in the ineptness of my heart to change in it's distinctive feelings- i have loved, love, and always will, forever more, and i don't know what i will do if i am ever re-presented with that which I love, and it is changed so much so that it is now longer of that same matter which i did love. Move on? sure it's possible. Sure, it's ineluctable really. But all I need is a push I guess... but what, or who, can i get to replace that which i am void of? Who knows, but I am sure it is someone who will stick with their present personality and preferences- not one to change on me and make me doubt my choice to fall for them in the first place. Will i always be here- yes- for the guy i fell in love with- not his new twin. I think things will be ok- "everything happens for a reason" this is my long-standing belief. For this I believe I am better off- so in the future- hopefully not after next May- I will be able to look back and see why this all happened- as for now.... I will continue with my consitent "understanding"... if in fact that is the actual characteristic I do possess.....