Frustration
Some days I just really hate my life..
One thing that is REALLY irking me today is my job. I asked to take off the last week of this month for my kids spring break and to go visit Grandma Joan in FL since she’s getting old and won’t be coming up anymore, and who knows how long she’s going to keep kickin’ down there. But my request was denied because we are trying to get our CAFR (Consolidated Annual Financial Statements) opinion done by the end of the month too. So I have been working extra hours to help get that all done and now the end of the month is here, and I don’t really have anything to do… I was afraid this would happen. If I asked now I might be able to get the week off, but can we plan a vacation is just a day? Could Jan even get off?? And now we have the boys birthday party next weekend and Jan’s sister and family coming next Friday.
But that’s not all! I get in this morning to see that one of the directors is out today and all of next week! Probably for her kids’ spring break. GRRRR!!! So they turned down my request but are taking time of their own??? That’s not cool.
This would have been the PERFECT time to transition to a new job.. All my assignments are wrapped up, and it’s just before I’m starting a new big project.. that I’m not very excited about anyway. It’s a great lull to just clean out my desk and say bye bye! But I’m so awful at making changes so here I sit..
There is a job I have been eyeing too… It’s for International Relief & Development, or something like that. A nonprofit that does good deeds all over the world to help less fortunate people. They are looking for a staff accountant! I would LOVE to work for an organization like that.. Honestly what has been holding me back from applying is that it is also right down here on the capital square. While I LOVE working down here, parking is a bitch. I spent close to $250 a month just to park while at work! But…if they provided parking for their employees I would totally consider it. But not many companies do that, I don’t think, and I think the chance of a not for profit doing that seem slim to me. Also, can I just call and ask them that? Is that too weird?? I mean that is a make it or break it thing for me and it’s a simple yes or no question, it would save us all a lot of time if I knew up front..
Another part of my life I’m not happy with is my marriage..
I have been waiting for my first therapy appointment, yet still Jan will start attacking me out of nowhere for my problems. Saying I’ll never be poly. I’m just an addict. Whenever I talk about wanting to leave him he threatens me with my kids. Saying he won’t let them live with a pot head whose bringing home different people every other day. He exaggerates the issues he thinks I have and says he doesn’t want the kids around me/that. I feel like he is threatening/blackmailing me into staying with him!?!?
Times like these I really wish I had my dad’s life insurance money… How can I afford to leave??? My student loans are so high and rents are awful in town. Especially if you don’t want to live in a super crappy neighborhood/school district.. There are a lot of people looking for roommates and such, but who would want to be roommates with a woman with two boys?? I saw some of the coops have rooms available, and one even mentioned it welcomes families, but I’m just not too sure about those.. Would I really like living with so many people?? Would they like living with us?? But one of the biggest problems with those is that they tend to be near downtown with very limited parking options..
I just don’t even know how to start saving to move out…our money is always already spoken for. He says if I want to leave to just leave, but I can’t! I have nowhere to go. I have no savings. How would I even do it?? Besides I’m not just walking out the door without my kids, and without a plan for how to proceed with ‘sharing’ them!
I know I need at least a 2 bedroom, or a 3 bedroom and a roommate. Staying in Madison would be hard with the rent prices, but leaving town would suck because of the commute. If we want to try 50/50 with the kids we would also have to be in the same town/school district.. So that means picking a spot between our jobs somewhere. And I really want to stay as close to Madison as I can..
And this isn’t just because I want to sleep around with people. I have wanted a divorce from him for YEARS. I thought perhaps we could make it work if I didn’t have to resign myself to only ever being with him for the rest of my life. If I could still be free to make close connections with other people. But if that is not a possibility now or never, why am I still here?? Why should I keep sitting around being unhappy with him? Also, I am very bisexual and I don’t want to go the rest of my life never having the love and touch of another woman.
And, just because I may have made a mistake in poly, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t ever try it again. I mean I’ve made lots of mistakes with monogamy but he wants me to keep trying that!?!?
I just want out…I just want away…I just want to be free to start over and have another chance at love and happiness…
But how the fuck am I going to accomplish that???
One thing that is REALLY irking me today is my job. I asked to take off the last week of this month for my kids spring break and to go visit Grandma Joan in FL since she’s getting old and won’t be coming up anymore, and who knows how long she’s going to keep kickin’ down there. But my request was denied because we are trying to get our CAFR (Consolidated Annual Financial Statements) opinion done by the end of the month too. So I have been working extra hours to help get that all done and now the end of the month is here, and I don’t really have anything to do… I was afraid this would happen. If I asked now I might be able to get the week off, but can we plan a vacation is just a day? Could Jan even get off?? And now we have the boys birthday party next weekend and Jan’s sister and family coming next Friday.
But that’s not all! I get in this morning to see that one of the directors is out today and all of next week! Probably for her kids’ spring break. GRRRR!!! So they turned down my request but are taking time of their own??? That’s not cool.
This would have been the PERFECT time to transition to a new job.. All my assignments are wrapped up, and it’s just before I’m starting a new big project.. that I’m not very excited about anyway. It’s a great lull to just clean out my desk and say bye bye! But I’m so awful at making changes so here I sit..
There is a job I have been eyeing too… It’s for International Relief & Development, or something like that. A nonprofit that does good deeds all over the world to help less fortunate people. They are looking for a staff accountant! I would LOVE to work for an organization like that.. Honestly what has been holding me back from applying is that it is also right down here on the capital square. While I LOVE working down here, parking is a bitch. I spent close to $250 a month just to park while at work! But…if they provided parking for their employees I would totally consider it. But not many companies do that, I don’t think, and I think the chance of a not for profit doing that seem slim to me. Also, can I just call and ask them that? Is that too weird?? I mean that is a make it or break it thing for me and it’s a simple yes or no question, it would save us all a lot of time if I knew up front..
Another part of my life I’m not happy with is my marriage..
I have been waiting for my first therapy appointment, yet still Jan will start attacking me out of nowhere for my problems. Saying I’ll never be poly. I’m just an addict. Whenever I talk about wanting to leave him he threatens me with my kids. Saying he won’t let them live with a pot head whose bringing home different people every other day. He exaggerates the issues he thinks I have and says he doesn’t want the kids around me/that. I feel like he is threatening/blackmailing me into staying with him!?!?
Times like these I really wish I had my dad’s life insurance money… How can I afford to leave??? My student loans are so high and rents are awful in town. Especially if you don’t want to live in a super crappy neighborhood/school district.. There are a lot of people looking for roommates and such, but who would want to be roommates with a woman with two boys?? I saw some of the coops have rooms available, and one even mentioned it welcomes families, but I’m just not too sure about those.. Would I really like living with so many people?? Would they like living with us?? But one of the biggest problems with those is that they tend to be near downtown with very limited parking options..
I just don’t even know how to start saving to move out…our money is always already spoken for. He says if I want to leave to just leave, but I can’t! I have nowhere to go. I have no savings. How would I even do it?? Besides I’m not just walking out the door without my kids, and without a plan for how to proceed with ‘sharing’ them!
I know I need at least a 2 bedroom, or a 3 bedroom and a roommate. Staying in Madison would be hard with the rent prices, but leaving town would suck because of the commute. If we want to try 50/50 with the kids we would also have to be in the same town/school district.. So that means picking a spot between our jobs somewhere. And I really want to stay as close to Madison as I can..
And this isn’t just because I want to sleep around with people. I have wanted a divorce from him for YEARS. I thought perhaps we could make it work if I didn’t have to resign myself to only ever being with him for the rest of my life. If I could still be free to make close connections with other people. But if that is not a possibility now or never, why am I still here?? Why should I keep sitting around being unhappy with him? Also, I am very bisexual and I don’t want to go the rest of my life never having the love and touch of another woman.
And, just because I may have made a mistake in poly, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t ever try it again. I mean I’ve made lots of mistakes with monogamy but he wants me to keep trying that!?!?
I just want out…I just want away…I just want to be free to start over and have another chance at love and happiness…
But how the fuck am I going to accomplish that???