Got Change?
I think I am about to lose my shit.. I am just going crazy at work… I can’t stand this anymore..
This week I started looking for a new position and I found one or two I’d like to apply for. I want to only apply for positions that I am really interested in, but there are not a lot of them honestly.. But I don’t want to limit myself too much either and wait too long for something to work out if I only apply for one or two and I don’t get them… So not sure what to do there. It’s just so time consuming to search, write cover letters, tweak the resume, and then all the phone interviews and in person interviews to deal with.. But there is really no way around it.. So I just need to sit my ass down and do it!
I did sit down last night to work on the cover letter for one job I’m interested in, but I didn’t get very far before I decided to just go to bed and not think about it.. I was in bed pretty much all afternoon/evening yesterday.. just avoiding life. Well, and getting caught up on sleep because I stay up too late..
This job that is currently first on my list is for a senior accountant position at a non-profit called End Domestic Abuse Wisconsin. In addition to resume, cover letter, and company application, applicants also have to write a one page paper about what domestic abuse means to them. I think applications are due sometime next week, so I really need to sit down and work on this. I think this would be a fulfilling place to work. Similarly to how I felt about working for the state initially. I like working for the state because I feel like I’m doing my part to help ensure the state runs smoothly and efficiently. But I don’t think I’m very good at it.. Perhaps my services could be more useful somewhere else?? I also am gravitating towards this position because perhaps I would still be eligible for the federal student loan forgiveness program..?.. Although there has been some news about folks being told the not for profit they work for will be covered, then later find out it wasn’t. And also has been some talk of removing the program all together… But I don’t really want to work for the state again, so I think a non-profit would be a good next choice. And it is a place where I can feel like I am doing my part to help people. So perhaps I’ll work on that paper tonight…
Also, perhaps working someplace like that will help make me a stronger person in my personal life too..
I had about a month off from seeing my therapist and I felt bad that I hadn’t really made any progress in that time, that I could see anyway. But she was not concerned, she said I am doing fine and that she does not have any sort of time line for me. She thinks I have been making progress because I am able to look at my past and my current life and see things and reflect on and analyze them. I’ve been articulating to her things that I have discovered/thought about regarding my behaviors and how I relate to others. Her ‘assignment’ for me now is for me think about how I am feeling in certain situations everyday and to think about what I want my boundaries to be and then acting on that. Setting healthy boundaries for myself and sticking with it, even if it’s difficult. We have both seen that I tend to just ‘go with the flow’ with things even if that is not what I really want for myself. So I need to work harder on advocating for myself and start making my life match my feelings. Whatever that may be, so that I feel better about myself and my life. Try to get those two things lined up.
I mentioned to her that was one of the reasons Jan wanted me to start therapy so that I could set healthy boundaries for myself (when it comes to dating and such), so that I don’t feel so pressured to do things I don’t want to do. But ironically, the situations where I am most likely to feel pressured to do things I don’t want to do are with him! So has he unknowingly sent me to therapy to help me stand up to him??
I told her a little about how he asked me to marry him over and over again and I kept saying no. but that one day he came home from visiting his family and he told them I had said yes and that kind of set it all in motion. I just went with it.. And I’m still going with it despite the fact that I have made it 100% clear to him that I do not want to continue with this marriage.
So right now I am being pressured to remain in a marriage that I am extremely unhappy with because when I try to bring it up he just gets REALLY angry and puts me down. Telling me I’m selfish and not a good mother. He tells me to just move out and get an efficiency because I don’t really want to be a mom anyway. And threatening me with spreading rumors about me and pretty much saying he’ll guarantee the whole divorce will be hell. And I’ve let this abuse get to me and stop me from talking about it so much…
I have stopped initiating sex with him. As much as I love sex….I realized I probably shouldn’t be doing it with him if I don’t really want to be with him. Although when he asks I usually just go along with it. I’m not really an ‘active’ participant anymore though, it just feels like in the past when I was pressured to do it and I just laid there and waited for it to be over. It’s been easier to avoid sex lately though because I have been sleeping on the couch every night. Part of it is because of his crazy hours and I want to make sure he gets enough sleep to be safe, but it’s also because I don’t really like him, and I don’t really want to share a bed with him anymore.
But should I put my foot down and stop having sex with him altogether? Should I set that boundary if I don’t really want to do it? Or just do it as my ‘wifely duty’? It’s not like it’s been great anyway… It’s usually over in like 2 minutes and lately he likes to just shove it in even if I’m not ready (because it feels good for him..). He doesn’t really care about what I like: he hardly ever goes down on me, and even more rarely indulges my fantasies such as BDSM or other kinky stuff, and if I even try to touch/rub myself before or during sex he pulls my hand away. And when I was still initiating if I’d come in the room and he’d suspect I was in the mood he’d make a rude comment like “I suppose you’re going to rape me now”. Da fuk!
That last comment makes me really upset and sad.. He says that because there have been some days where I might start fondling him in his sleep and want to have sex in the middle of the night. But there were times (months/years) when I REALLY did not want to have sex with him, like seriously at all. But he would still do it even though I didn’t want to. I would just lay there and do nothing but stare off into space and wish/wait for it to be over.. And worse I would ask him not to cum in me because I didn’t want to get pregnant at those times, but he would do it anyway! Such a violation. I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten over him doing that to me and treating me that way..
I sent him an article the other day about how divorce can actually be a good thing for kids if the marriage is really bad. Which seems to make sense to me, it can’t be good for anyone to be around people fighting like we do, and seeing how we treat each other. But instead of even trying to talk about that with me he instead sent me an article back about how people who get divorced are likely to just get divorced again later if they remarry. But what the fuck does that have to do with the situation we are in right now?? Who said I ever want to get remarried!?!? There just appears to be no way to rationally talk with him about this.. If I want to do it I’ve realized I have to do it on my own. I just hope that when it comes down to it that he will try to work with me so that we can TRY and be amicable for the kids’ sake, especially when it comes to shared custody and where we are going to live. Because to do 50/50 we’d likely have to be in the same school district..
I know that I am not perfect either. I know that I have some issues that could perhaps lead to another divorce later such as being too nitpicky and naggy. But I don’t deny that. I am in therapy and yesterday I talked to her about how when I look at the lists about abuse that I recognize some of the things in myself such as yelling and arguing. But I honestly think that most of my issues come from feeling trapped someplace I really do not want to be. But I am also willing to work on my interpersonal skills to help me be a better friend (and make friends) and partner. I have been reading a lot about relationships and I hope my therapy will help me chill out a bit too.
But overall I have been on this moving sidewalk of a relationship for 15 years now! 21 to 36.. That’s a big chunk of my life…and now I want off! God knows there have been many many times that I have wanted to get off this path that Jan has set up for us, but I haven’t been strong enough to just do it. I keep hoping Jan will finally see the light and be willing to help. But I know he won’t. I know now that this is something I have to do myself. No one else is going to give me the push off this sidewalk I really need. I just need to jump!!
I know I should at least talk to my mom about this. But part of me is afraid to because then it will make it really real. Then she will become concerned for me and probably start to ask me more how it’s going towards my goal and such. While it scares me, I know this is probably what I need too. While my therapist is helpful for 45 minutes every other week I know that I really need some support from my ‘real life’. And then if I do talk to her perhaps I won’t keep letting it go on for years and years more..
I am glad that I still have this journal to vent to. It really helps me to get my thoughts down and sort out how I am feeling. Although it is ‘public’ now so I feel like I have to watch what I say somewhat, which I don’t really like.. And I don’t mean just because of Jan. Although Jan can read what I write these days, I don’t think he has in quite a while. After he convinced me to change my settings I feel like he just kind of forgot about it. Although I’m sure he will get caught up some day!
This week I started looking for a new position and I found one or two I’d like to apply for. I want to only apply for positions that I am really interested in, but there are not a lot of them honestly.. But I don’t want to limit myself too much either and wait too long for something to work out if I only apply for one or two and I don’t get them… So not sure what to do there. It’s just so time consuming to search, write cover letters, tweak the resume, and then all the phone interviews and in person interviews to deal with.. But there is really no way around it.. So I just need to sit my ass down and do it!
I did sit down last night to work on the cover letter for one job I’m interested in, but I didn’t get very far before I decided to just go to bed and not think about it.. I was in bed pretty much all afternoon/evening yesterday.. just avoiding life. Well, and getting caught up on sleep because I stay up too late..
This job that is currently first on my list is for a senior accountant position at a non-profit called End Domestic Abuse Wisconsin. In addition to resume, cover letter, and company application, applicants also have to write a one page paper about what domestic abuse means to them. I think applications are due sometime next week, so I really need to sit down and work on this. I think this would be a fulfilling place to work. Similarly to how I felt about working for the state initially. I like working for the state because I feel like I’m doing my part to help ensure the state runs smoothly and efficiently. But I don’t think I’m very good at it.. Perhaps my services could be more useful somewhere else?? I also am gravitating towards this position because perhaps I would still be eligible for the federal student loan forgiveness program..?.. Although there has been some news about folks being told the not for profit they work for will be covered, then later find out it wasn’t. And also has been some talk of removing the program all together… But I don’t really want to work for the state again, so I think a non-profit would be a good next choice. And it is a place where I can feel like I am doing my part to help people. So perhaps I’ll work on that paper tonight…
Also, perhaps working someplace like that will help make me a stronger person in my personal life too..
I had about a month off from seeing my therapist and I felt bad that I hadn’t really made any progress in that time, that I could see anyway. But she was not concerned, she said I am doing fine and that she does not have any sort of time line for me. She thinks I have been making progress because I am able to look at my past and my current life and see things and reflect on and analyze them. I’ve been articulating to her things that I have discovered/thought about regarding my behaviors and how I relate to others. Her ‘assignment’ for me now is for me think about how I am feeling in certain situations everyday and to think about what I want my boundaries to be and then acting on that. Setting healthy boundaries for myself and sticking with it, even if it’s difficult. We have both seen that I tend to just ‘go with the flow’ with things even if that is not what I really want for myself. So I need to work harder on advocating for myself and start making my life match my feelings. Whatever that may be, so that I feel better about myself and my life. Try to get those two things lined up.
I mentioned to her that was one of the reasons Jan wanted me to start therapy so that I could set healthy boundaries for myself (when it comes to dating and such), so that I don’t feel so pressured to do things I don’t want to do. But ironically, the situations where I am most likely to feel pressured to do things I don’t want to do are with him! So has he unknowingly sent me to therapy to help me stand up to him??
I told her a little about how he asked me to marry him over and over again and I kept saying no. but that one day he came home from visiting his family and he told them I had said yes and that kind of set it all in motion. I just went with it.. And I’m still going with it despite the fact that I have made it 100% clear to him that I do not want to continue with this marriage.
So right now I am being pressured to remain in a marriage that I am extremely unhappy with because when I try to bring it up he just gets REALLY angry and puts me down. Telling me I’m selfish and not a good mother. He tells me to just move out and get an efficiency because I don’t really want to be a mom anyway. And threatening me with spreading rumors about me and pretty much saying he’ll guarantee the whole divorce will be hell. And I’ve let this abuse get to me and stop me from talking about it so much…
I have stopped initiating sex with him. As much as I love sex….I realized I probably shouldn’t be doing it with him if I don’t really want to be with him. Although when he asks I usually just go along with it. I’m not really an ‘active’ participant anymore though, it just feels like in the past when I was pressured to do it and I just laid there and waited for it to be over. It’s been easier to avoid sex lately though because I have been sleeping on the couch every night. Part of it is because of his crazy hours and I want to make sure he gets enough sleep to be safe, but it’s also because I don’t really like him, and I don’t really want to share a bed with him anymore.
But should I put my foot down and stop having sex with him altogether? Should I set that boundary if I don’t really want to do it? Or just do it as my ‘wifely duty’? It’s not like it’s been great anyway… It’s usually over in like 2 minutes and lately he likes to just shove it in even if I’m not ready (because it feels good for him..). He doesn’t really care about what I like: he hardly ever goes down on me, and even more rarely indulges my fantasies such as BDSM or other kinky stuff, and if I even try to touch/rub myself before or during sex he pulls my hand away. And when I was still initiating if I’d come in the room and he’d suspect I was in the mood he’d make a rude comment like “I suppose you’re going to rape me now”. Da fuk!
That last comment makes me really upset and sad.. He says that because there have been some days where I might start fondling him in his sleep and want to have sex in the middle of the night. But there were times (months/years) when I REALLY did not want to have sex with him, like seriously at all. But he would still do it even though I didn’t want to. I would just lay there and do nothing but stare off into space and wish/wait for it to be over.. And worse I would ask him not to cum in me because I didn’t want to get pregnant at those times, but he would do it anyway! Such a violation. I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten over him doing that to me and treating me that way..
I sent him an article the other day about how divorce can actually be a good thing for kids if the marriage is really bad. Which seems to make sense to me, it can’t be good for anyone to be around people fighting like we do, and seeing how we treat each other. But instead of even trying to talk about that with me he instead sent me an article back about how people who get divorced are likely to just get divorced again later if they remarry. But what the fuck does that have to do with the situation we are in right now?? Who said I ever want to get remarried!?!? There just appears to be no way to rationally talk with him about this.. If I want to do it I’ve realized I have to do it on my own. I just hope that when it comes down to it that he will try to work with me so that we can TRY and be amicable for the kids’ sake, especially when it comes to shared custody and where we are going to live. Because to do 50/50 we’d likely have to be in the same school district..
I know that I am not perfect either. I know that I have some issues that could perhaps lead to another divorce later such as being too nitpicky and naggy. But I don’t deny that. I am in therapy and yesterday I talked to her about how when I look at the lists about abuse that I recognize some of the things in myself such as yelling and arguing. But I honestly think that most of my issues come from feeling trapped someplace I really do not want to be. But I am also willing to work on my interpersonal skills to help me be a better friend (and make friends) and partner. I have been reading a lot about relationships and I hope my therapy will help me chill out a bit too.
But overall I have been on this moving sidewalk of a relationship for 15 years now! 21 to 36.. That’s a big chunk of my life…and now I want off! God knows there have been many many times that I have wanted to get off this path that Jan has set up for us, but I haven’t been strong enough to just do it. I keep hoping Jan will finally see the light and be willing to help. But I know he won’t. I know now that this is something I have to do myself. No one else is going to give me the push off this sidewalk I really need. I just need to jump!!
I know I should at least talk to my mom about this. But part of me is afraid to because then it will make it really real. Then she will become concerned for me and probably start to ask me more how it’s going towards my goal and such. While it scares me, I know this is probably what I need too. While my therapist is helpful for 45 minutes every other week I know that I really need some support from my ‘real life’. And then if I do talk to her perhaps I won’t keep letting it go on for years and years more..
I am glad that I still have this journal to vent to. It really helps me to get my thoughts down and sort out how I am feeling. Although it is ‘public’ now so I feel like I have to watch what I say somewhat, which I don’t really like.. And I don’t mean just because of Jan. Although Jan can read what I write these days, I don’t think he has in quite a while. After he convinced me to change my settings I feel like he just kind of forgot about it. Although I’m sure he will get caught up some day!