Happy Independence Day!!
The last couple weeks have been nice working just 3 or so days a week! I did go in this Monday the third of July, but my ride in was awesome! It took me about ½ the normal time and I didn’t hit a single red light!! I was to my parking spot like 15 minutes after I left my house! Never before have I put my feet up while leaving the driveway to next put them down in the parking ramp. If only every day could be like that!
We didn’t do a lot for the 4th. Davin and I went to the De Forest parade even though the other guys didn’t want to go. Which was alright since Julien is getting a little big to be out there getting candy with all the little ones. Davin did awesome and we had a good time checking out all the different groups in the parade. There were things going on at the park afterwards, but it was pretty warm so we just decided to head home afterwards.
Jan started a new series on Netflix…some Flash show…so now that’s the bulk of what he’s been doing.. Seems like all day when he’s home its one episode or another… I’m getting sick of it! Before he would always say things like “well it’s not often there is a game/show/book I’m really into so you just have to deal with it when I go into obsessive mode over it” (my summary of his words/actions) But lately it seems like he just goes from one to another. And this series has multiple seasons at 20+ episodes each, and these are 40 some minute shows not 20 some minutes.. I get that everyone needs some time to veg out once in a while. But when it starts to become every day, and any free moment, that is too much. And he gets upset when I ask when the episode will be over. Really?? I’m not even asking you to stop watching, I’m just wondering how long I have to wait before it’s okay to talk to you about something, or to perhaps spend a few minutes with you.. What else am I supposed to say? He doesn’t like to be interrupted, but when it’s always going how can I not??
He hasn’t cleaned for shit in months either. Last Saturday he wanted to have a cleaning day so we didn’t go to my mom’s or go motocrossing, but then about all he did was clean off the table and move the crap to the hutch instead… really we wasted a whole day for that?? Oh I forgot, he did watch a lot of Flash!!! Arrrggg…. Sorry, rant over!
So I was really happy to have the 4th off, and I wanted to do something! No one else did, so I ended up going on a couple motorcycle rides by myself! I just went about 30 miles both times tooling around the country roads between my town and the ones around us, which is a lot of space actually. It was a lot of fun, and really nice because there were no hot waits at any stop lights or anything. I even unzipped my jacket and let my girls hang out a little, hehe. So desolate though, I think I probably only flashed a cow or two, haha!!
Last Friday Jan got off work early and he and Davin rode up to Black River Falls to pick up a kitten from my brother Anthony’s fiancé Taylor’s mother. Kind of a long way for a kitten.. But they picked out a little white girl with dark sports. Davin named her Sam because he knows three Sam’s at school. Haha. At first she was so skittish, she would run away if we even walked across the room she was in, had me wondering if she was perhaps a wild cat… But she’s warmed up to us some now and she’s a lot calmer. She has also figured out the litter box already, which is awesome!! (Something for Jan to clean, not me! So we’ll see how that goes…) The kids really like her too and have been good with her, making sure she has water, food, and someone to play with.
Blah! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! I get so antsy at work in the afternoon…. I just want to leave.. It doesn’t help that I have a headache today either…
I was tempted to text Jan just to say what’s up, cause I’m bored, but I don’t think I will, or I think I’ll try not to anyway.. I think it would be interesting to see what happens if I don’t initiate any conversation with him for a while. I wonder how many hours (or days??) will go by..??... The hardest part is when we’re at home and he’s just sitting around while I run around the house cleaning/tidying this, that, and the other thing… I feel bad for the kids too…they’ve had too much computer access and we hardly see them at all either.. but I think that’s working out well for Jan and his Netflix binging… but I hate it!
So at what point does tv binging become as bad as other binging, such as say alcohol?? Luckily this show isn’t costing us any extra money (like some of the shows he’s bought season for on Amazon..) but it is robbing all of us of good family time together (dinner at the table?? What?), and robbing him and I of having any meaningful time together as well. It’s causing arguments because he is slipping with his regular home responsibilities, and he just doesn’t seem to care about any of that anymore.
Of course this is making it easier for me to see that I don’t want to stay with him. Bad enough when he’s engaged, but what the hell am I sticking around for if he doesn’t even have a ½ hour for me each day? Why would I want to be with someone who is always watching tv and snaps at me when I try to talk to him? All I hear is “I don’t want to talk about that now (bed time) (morning) (while watching tv)”. He’s just pushing me farther away. I need more than this! I need more human interaction!! I need more touch. I need more closeness. I am not getting anything I need, other than a place to live. It’s like having a platonic roommate, except he won’t let me see other people! Haha!!
I REALLY look forward to the day when I have a place of my own! I’ll be doing all the cleaning, but I would expect nothing less, so it wouldn’t feel like a disappointment. I wouldn’t have to clean up after him anymore, so I’d probably be saving time! Haha. (he leaves more kitchen messes and dishes/cans/bottles around the house than even the kids!). His inactivity lately has me wondering how messy his house would get without me there to clean it up.. Historically he has not been a really messy person, but he hasn’t really had to put all the effort necessary into keeping a whole apartment clean as I have. So would he just step up and do all the cleaning necessary for keeping a tidy apartment? Would he just make the kids do more? (PROBABLY!!) Or would it just get messy?? Or of course there is the option of finding someone new to clean for him.. Either way.. who cares! As long as I am free of him, and my kids are not in any danger, who the fuck cares if his house is messy! Won’t be my problem anymore!!
I also look forward to having the kids alone when I have them. I feel like now whenever I say something to them they look to Dad to see if he’s going to repeat/affirm what I say or not. If he doesn’t they don’t do it! What I say means shit in my house if I don’t have Dad’s stamp of approval!! And I hate that!!! It is driving me fucking insane! But I hope that once we are separate and they see me as the queen of my own castle with no one around to belittle what I say, that perhaps they will come to see me as a person of actual authority and someone to be respected. I mean we both are well educated individuals with master’s degrees, but I feel like I am constantly put down and second guessed by Jan, and frequently in front of the kids, so I have no credibility in their eyes.. I can only hope this can/will change…