Feeling Electric: Easier to Say
Natalie couldn’t look at him-she chose instead to look at her hands, plastered flat against her thighs. Her nails had been nibbled down to almost nothing, and she winced and curled her fingers into a fist to avoid looking at them. It was a really awful habit, and she didn’t want Tweak to notice. She had no idea how he was going to react, and if he reacted badly and started pointing out her flaws, she didn’t want to give him anything tangible to yell about.
Tweak was sitting across from her, looking oddly solemn and serious and not like himself at all. Which was both good and bad-at least she didn’t have to make him focus, but having his complete attention scared her a little bit. She let out a deep breath, adjusted herself, and looked up at his face.
“Connor,” she said, using his real name. She stopped herself, took another breath, and started again. “Tweak…” she stopped again. This would have been so much easier if they were both high, but seeing as you weren’t supposed to smoke cigarettes, Natalie figured this also ruled out pot. As for anything else they might have taken… well, Natalie couldn’t think of any good reasons why she couldn’t take those, except you probably weren’t supposed to, and the fact that they had probably been the cause of (or at least played a major role in) this whole mess just made her sick.
“Tweak,” she began again. She sighed heavily. They hadn’t ever really talked in the time they had been together, and now she had to tell him this.
“I’m…” Okay, Nat, come on, you can do this. Deep breath. “I’m pregnant.” She fought the urge to close her eyes and await the explosion of rage and fear. She just sat there, looking him straight in the eye, and he did the same. The room was perfectly silent while Tweak processed the information. It didn’t take very long. He sat back casually and picked at the upholstery on the arm of his chair.
“I suppose,” he said slowly, eyes still fixated almost dully on her, “this means you can’t get rid of it. Otherwise you’d be telling me you needed some money to do so.” He paused. “Unless you were going to ask and I interrupted?”
Natalie almost laughed-she wasn’t sure why. Instead she just shook her head. That was much more appropriate, wasn’t it? “It’s too late to do it legally,” she said.
“And when have we ever done anything legal?” Tweak asked, raising an eyebrow in what Natalie knew to be an attempt to look like the Vulcan Mr. Spock from Star Trek. When Natalie opened her mouth to explain how dangerous it was, she just shook his head and held up one hand to stop her. “I know, I know,” he said. “So what’s the plan? Have you told your dad yet?”
“No,” Natalie replied, shaking her head. “Not that it matters much.” All her dad did anyway was sit and stare at the wall.
“Yeah, well, you should probably still tell him.” A pause. “Do you want me to be there with you?” Natalie was a little startled he offered. Sweet was not a word she would use to describe Tweak, and that offer could only be called sweet.
“No, thank you,” she said politely. “I can do it by myself.” She paused. “Thank you though.” She almost winced at how stiff that sounded. They were going to have a baby, not a salad. Couldn’t she act a little less formal?
“So… have you looked for a family?” Natalie shot him an odd look. Tweak almost snorted. “Oh come on. You didn’t think we’d get married and raise it together.”
Natalie blushed. She had kind of thought that. “Well, why not?” she sort of snapped. Because why not? They didn’t have to get married necessarily, but they could live together, certainly.
“Because we don’t have anything, Nat. Not really. I mean…” he paused, looked away from her for the first time, and exhaled heavily. “I don’t love you,” he finally admitted.
Natalie sat, stunned. Not by his words, but by the fact that she didn’t love him either. They had been together for over a year, sort of. Had they ever ‘been together’? Why had she slept with him in the first place? Why had this happened? She began to cry.
“I can’t do this,” she gasped between sobs. “I can’t do this, I’m too young, we’re too young. I’m gonna go insane and the baby’s gonna die and…” She stopped trying to form words and just cried and cried. Tweak sat across from her awkwardly, rocking the tiniest bit on the balls of his feet.
The crying went on for three, four minutes before Natalie got a hold on herself. “Sorry,” she mumbled, then sniffed. “Hormones.”
“I figured,” he replied, digging into his pocket and producing a wad of mushed up tissues. “They haven’t been used, I don’t think.”
“Thanks.” Natalie accepted them and wiped her nose a few times, sniffling all the way. Finally, she took in a deep breath.
“I wanna keep it,” she announced. Tweak just looked at her.
“I thought you just said-“
“No.” She shook her head vigorously. “I owe it to the kid. I mean… you’ve seen the statistics of what happens to adopted kids, right?” She let out a breath. “No. If this kid’s gonna be fucked up, it’s going to be my fault.”
Tweak looked like he was about to argue, but after a moment he just sighed and sat back in his chair. “Okay,” he said.
“Okay,” Natalie replied.
“We’re gonna have a kid,” Tweak said.
“Yeah.”
Tweak just smiled.
Tweak was sitting across from her, looking oddly solemn and serious and not like himself at all. Which was both good and bad-at least she didn’t have to make him focus, but having his complete attention scared her a little bit. She let out a deep breath, adjusted herself, and looked up at his face.
“Connor,” she said, using his real name. She stopped herself, took another breath, and started again. “Tweak…” she stopped again. This would have been so much easier if they were both high, but seeing as you weren’t supposed to smoke cigarettes, Natalie figured this also ruled out pot. As for anything else they might have taken… well, Natalie couldn’t think of any good reasons why she couldn’t take those, except you probably weren’t supposed to, and the fact that they had probably been the cause of (or at least played a major role in) this whole mess just made her sick.
“Tweak,” she began again. She sighed heavily. They hadn’t ever really talked in the time they had been together, and now she had to tell him this.
“I’m…” Okay, Nat, come on, you can do this. Deep breath. “I’m pregnant.” She fought the urge to close her eyes and await the explosion of rage and fear. She just sat there, looking him straight in the eye, and he did the same. The room was perfectly silent while Tweak processed the information. It didn’t take very long. He sat back casually and picked at the upholstery on the arm of his chair.
“I suppose,” he said slowly, eyes still fixated almost dully on her, “this means you can’t get rid of it. Otherwise you’d be telling me you needed some money to do so.” He paused. “Unless you were going to ask and I interrupted?”
Natalie almost laughed-she wasn’t sure why. Instead she just shook her head. That was much more appropriate, wasn’t it? “It’s too late to do it legally,” she said.
“And when have we ever done anything legal?” Tweak asked, raising an eyebrow in what Natalie knew to be an attempt to look like the Vulcan Mr. Spock from Star Trek. When Natalie opened her mouth to explain how dangerous it was, she just shook his head and held up one hand to stop her. “I know, I know,” he said. “So what’s the plan? Have you told your dad yet?”
“No,” Natalie replied, shaking her head. “Not that it matters much.” All her dad did anyway was sit and stare at the wall.
“Yeah, well, you should probably still tell him.” A pause. “Do you want me to be there with you?” Natalie was a little startled he offered. Sweet was not a word she would use to describe Tweak, and that offer could only be called sweet.
“No, thank you,” she said politely. “I can do it by myself.” She paused. “Thank you though.” She almost winced at how stiff that sounded. They were going to have a baby, not a salad. Couldn’t she act a little less formal?
“So… have you looked for a family?” Natalie shot him an odd look. Tweak almost snorted. “Oh come on. You didn’t think we’d get married and raise it together.”
Natalie blushed. She had kind of thought that. “Well, why not?” she sort of snapped. Because why not? They didn’t have to get married necessarily, but they could live together, certainly.
“Because we don’t have anything, Nat. Not really. I mean…” he paused, looked away from her for the first time, and exhaled heavily. “I don’t love you,” he finally admitted.
Natalie sat, stunned. Not by his words, but by the fact that she didn’t love him either. They had been together for over a year, sort of. Had they ever ‘been together’? Why had she slept with him in the first place? Why had this happened? She began to cry.
“I can’t do this,” she gasped between sobs. “I can’t do this, I’m too young, we’re too young. I’m gonna go insane and the baby’s gonna die and…” She stopped trying to form words and just cried and cried. Tweak sat across from her awkwardly, rocking the tiniest bit on the balls of his feet.
The crying went on for three, four minutes before Natalie got a hold on herself. “Sorry,” she mumbled, then sniffed. “Hormones.”
“I figured,” he replied, digging into his pocket and producing a wad of mushed up tissues. “They haven’t been used, I don’t think.”
“Thanks.” Natalie accepted them and wiped her nose a few times, sniffling all the way. Finally, she took in a deep breath.
“I wanna keep it,” she announced. Tweak just looked at her.
“I thought you just said-“
“No.” She shook her head vigorously. “I owe it to the kid. I mean… you’ve seen the statistics of what happens to adopted kids, right?” She let out a breath. “No. If this kid’s gonna be fucked up, it’s going to be my fault.”
Tweak looked like he was about to argue, but after a moment he just sighed and sat back in his chair. “Okay,” he said.
“Okay,” Natalie replied.
“We’re gonna have a kid,” Tweak said.
“Yeah.”
Tweak just smiled.