(no subject)
it turns out i've been living a lie. yes it's true, and one i will vehemently deny even after i write this entry. but i don't care because it's my fucking journal and i'll do as i please.
i am still in love the THE exboyfriend. i always have been. it's taken on a different form as of late however.
in the past, even thinking of THE exboyfriend caused a lump so huge in my thoart i was glad it wasn't food because i wouldn't want to have to shit it out. then poured in the unrelenting pining for his attention and affection which i knew he knew i desparately wanted. i hopped from boyfriend to boyfriend, assuring all of them with my overly sized eyes and fabulously mascaraed lashes that i was over THE exboyfriend and couldn't understand why it took me so long to be so. this way of life worked perfectly well for me for many years. i knew we were never going to be together again and this torch i carried would rapidly morph into an enternal flame for a love so pure i didn't even wear mascara.
that didn't happen. just as he begins to fade into true memory, THE exboyfriend and i find ourselves wrapped in regularly scheduled late night convos and strolls down memory lane. however, since i've been home i haven't really chatted with him much and i haven't seen him since christmas break. given this especially long gap between akward eye contact (should i kiss him? should i wait for him to? i really hope i don't have an eye booger...) one would think maybe i could really completely let go. one would be correct in assuming this but the wrench in the gears of this master plan is the mildly cantankerous bus boy (not to be confused with the one i've/am (depending on the day) slept with. we'll just call him mcbb for short.
mcbb looks like him. mcbb speaks like him. mcbb even smiles and jokes like him. mcbb is also two years younger than me, fyi. mcbb makes me miss him. i miss the joking around. good god do i miss his smile. most of all, i miss loving him without limit (barf-o cheez-o line, but at 2am i can't come up with anything better, apologies to my fellow cynics). he is the only boy i haven't had one foot out the door the entire duration of the relationship (in all fairness he is the cause of that nasty habit, i refuse to be reduced to a puddle of self-pity by any boy ever again).
i don't want a relationship by any means now, even with him, but i'm going to stop questioning why the hell i miss him so much and what it means because i already know that answer. i love him and always have. now what kind of love remains to be seen, especially considering we've never seen each other naked.
i am still in love the THE exboyfriend. i always have been. it's taken on a different form as of late however.
in the past, even thinking of THE exboyfriend caused a lump so huge in my thoart i was glad it wasn't food because i wouldn't want to have to shit it out. then poured in the unrelenting pining for his attention and affection which i knew he knew i desparately wanted. i hopped from boyfriend to boyfriend, assuring all of them with my overly sized eyes and fabulously mascaraed lashes that i was over THE exboyfriend and couldn't understand why it took me so long to be so. this way of life worked perfectly well for me for many years. i knew we were never going to be together again and this torch i carried would rapidly morph into an enternal flame for a love so pure i didn't even wear mascara.
that didn't happen. just as he begins to fade into true memory, THE exboyfriend and i find ourselves wrapped in regularly scheduled late night convos and strolls down memory lane. however, since i've been home i haven't really chatted with him much and i haven't seen him since christmas break. given this especially long gap between akward eye contact (should i kiss him? should i wait for him to? i really hope i don't have an eye booger...) one would think maybe i could really completely let go. one would be correct in assuming this but the wrench in the gears of this master plan is the mildly cantankerous bus boy (not to be confused with the one i've/am (depending on the day) slept with. we'll just call him mcbb for short.
mcbb looks like him. mcbb speaks like him. mcbb even smiles and jokes like him. mcbb is also two years younger than me, fyi. mcbb makes me miss him. i miss the joking around. good god do i miss his smile. most of all, i miss loving him without limit (barf-o cheez-o line, but at 2am i can't come up with anything better, apologies to my fellow cynics). he is the only boy i haven't had one foot out the door the entire duration of the relationship (in all fairness he is the cause of that nasty habit, i refuse to be reduced to a puddle of self-pity by any boy ever again).
i don't want a relationship by any means now, even with him, but i'm going to stop questioning why the hell i miss him so much and what it means because i already know that answer. i love him and always have. now what kind of love remains to be seen, especially considering we've never seen each other naked.