(no subject)
i kind of feel like a huge piece of shit for surviving this year unscathed. i got paid to stay home from march-july, and when i went back to work i had a panic attack and quit. i couldn’t sell luxury cosmetics in a combination pandemic and class war. carlos finally got a cush office job right before the demmy hit, so he’s been working from home for a boss he’s met once.
last february i was deeply sad, probably the most depressed i’ve ever been. life felt hopeless, routine, futile. i woke up feeling like trash every morning, i would puke when i brushed my teeth or sometimes i’d puke in the road while waiting for the bus at 5 am. once i had to run out of the starbs where i kept warm waiting for someone to open the store so i could go puke on the max tracks. i think it was from having to wake up super early because i’ve only had bad nausea once since then. i also used to have to slather my body in the stores tester of cbd lotion or i would have near-constant annoying aches & pains. i still have them ofc but nowhere near as bad.
so what changed? when i was getting ready to go back to work in july i reached out to some friends and asked for their advice. i told them how scared i was, how stupid i thought the job was in this moment in history, how i didn’t know what to do. they told me to quit. it’s what i wanted in the back of my mind but i don’t just *quit* jobs. i hate looking for a job, and now that i’m in my mid-30’s with a chronic illness and crippling depression i feel completely un-hireable. it was the scariest thing i’ve ever done but i’m so thankful for their encouragement because as soon as i got over the shock of choosing to be unemployed i felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. all the things i was worried would happen didn’t happen. the biggest repercussion was that i had to switch neurologists.
i’ll keep this part brief, because again, i feel guilty about it: i’ve been living my housewife dreams for the past few months. we straight up do not leave the house, which is very very hard for some people, but not at all hard for me. i feel like i’ve been training my whole life for this. i also feel like this is the best and easiest point in the history of the world to be stuck at home and i’m so confused why people are pushing against it. for YEARS i used to dream about being at home while i was working. for years i also used to try to convince carlos how nice it would be for him to have a housewife taking care of his shit, and he rightfully balked because that is patriarchal af, but that’s pretty much what i do now and it really working for us. i will say that i am TERRIFIED of re-entering the work force now that i have had a taste of my dream job.
what are my dreams for the future? well my friends kids are starting to grow up so i’m turning up my auntie mode. lots and lots and lots of babies were born in 2020! too many for me to make them all blankies. i want to keep making improvements on our home-we finally turned the attic into an office and i set up a desk so i could unpack my shit. i also really want to finally paint my bathroom. i want to keep shopping in bulk from our restaurant wholesaler! i miss going to the grocery store but i am saving so much money now that we don’t go 2-4x week. being at home means i get to watch a ton more movies, something that i didn’t have the energy for outside of oscar season.
2020 has been all about change and adaptation. i am glad to say i survived, and proud of my actions this year. i made sacrifices, i prioritized safety and inclusion for all, and i was loudly and proudly anti-fascist. that that is even a THING that needs to be said in 2020 is mind boggling but oh well. i cannot fix the world but i can fix my teeny tiny spot
last february i was deeply sad, probably the most depressed i’ve ever been. life felt hopeless, routine, futile. i woke up feeling like trash every morning, i would puke when i brushed my teeth or sometimes i’d puke in the road while waiting for the bus at 5 am. once i had to run out of the starbs where i kept warm waiting for someone to open the store so i could go puke on the max tracks. i think it was from having to wake up super early because i’ve only had bad nausea once since then. i also used to have to slather my body in the stores tester of cbd lotion or i would have near-constant annoying aches & pains. i still have them ofc but nowhere near as bad.
so what changed? when i was getting ready to go back to work in july i reached out to some friends and asked for their advice. i told them how scared i was, how stupid i thought the job was in this moment in history, how i didn’t know what to do. they told me to quit. it’s what i wanted in the back of my mind but i don’t just *quit* jobs. i hate looking for a job, and now that i’m in my mid-30’s with a chronic illness and crippling depression i feel completely un-hireable. it was the scariest thing i’ve ever done but i’m so thankful for their encouragement because as soon as i got over the shock of choosing to be unemployed i felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. all the things i was worried would happen didn’t happen. the biggest repercussion was that i had to switch neurologists.
i’ll keep this part brief, because again, i feel guilty about it: i’ve been living my housewife dreams for the past few months. we straight up do not leave the house, which is very very hard for some people, but not at all hard for me. i feel like i’ve been training my whole life for this. i also feel like this is the best and easiest point in the history of the world to be stuck at home and i’m so confused why people are pushing against it. for YEARS i used to dream about being at home while i was working. for years i also used to try to convince carlos how nice it would be for him to have a housewife taking care of his shit, and he rightfully balked because that is patriarchal af, but that’s pretty much what i do now and it really working for us. i will say that i am TERRIFIED of re-entering the work force now that i have had a taste of my dream job.
what are my dreams for the future? well my friends kids are starting to grow up so i’m turning up my auntie mode. lots and lots and lots of babies were born in 2020! too many for me to make them all blankies. i want to keep making improvements on our home-we finally turned the attic into an office and i set up a desk so i could unpack my shit. i also really want to finally paint my bathroom. i want to keep shopping in bulk from our restaurant wholesaler! i miss going to the grocery store but i am saving so much money now that we don’t go 2-4x week. being at home means i get to watch a ton more movies, something that i didn’t have the energy for outside of oscar season.
2020 has been all about change and adaptation. i am glad to say i survived, and proud of my actions this year. i made sacrifices, i prioritized safety and inclusion for all, and i was loudly and proudly anti-fascist. that that is even a THING that needs to be said in 2020 is mind boggling but oh well. i cannot fix the world but i can fix my teeny tiny spot