The Process
Time to be a little more honest.
There is no real way I can better express my personal feelings about the last few months except to say that the general air is somethin akin to restless. And I guess its safe to admit that when this happens, I tend to make the most mistakes. And I'm not absolutely 100% sure if this is attributed to a short attention span, or if its just some subconscious wish to push on and make up for lost time. And in many ways I find this feeling to both be a blessing and a curse since this constant jumping around tends to frustrate some, and puzzle others. Many don't seem to see why I find it boring to merely find comfort in an occupation in order to feel secure in my living situation. Thing is, since moving to the LB area I have never fully felt so comfortable that I could just fall into the cushions and kick my feet up so to speak. Knowing that my move was coming, a part of me just resigned to the fact that comfort wasn't to be had until schooling was done, and depending on my living situation, it wasn't bound to get better immediately. Some ask me if its all worth it, while others have trouble imagining why I would put myself through this especially at this age. But that's just it. My twenties were all about idle fears. And despite my initial resistance to making any huge life mistakes, it just felt time to just put on the helmet n pads, and just see this through.
Yes, as a result it makes me a little reclusive. And yes, it creates a more intense version of me that is very impatient for bullshit. And as such the biggest sacrifice it has demanded of me has been something akin to an actual social life. The price has been high, but a part of me feels that such sacrifices may be worth it in big picture terms. And while I do tend to really miss many elements of my life in the desert, the world feels saturated with unpredictability, and without sounding too lame, it is most fitting for me. Now I will not balk at helping old and potential future friendships grow, but another part of me isn't quite sure how to start with most around me these days. I just plain have a hard time relating to many. I wish I knew where to start. And perhaps the biggest tragedy is that when I actually do send myself out into the wild, there isn't a great deal that these folks say that remotely interests me. This can be a problem.
I've spent a long time doing what I can to reach out in the little time I have, but it never really helps except for with older pals, which sometimes makes me wonder how I reached out to my older pals in the first place. The ennui expands ever forward, and trial & error seems to be the only solution. I do not like going to bars and I certainly do not enjoy pestering people.- This could be key. Perhaps seeing myself as a nuisance is a normal thing in my daily life, and this is a major stumbling block. However when I do exhude "confidence", it does little else but ward some off as if I have some kind of ulterior motives. And why not? Perhaps I do come off as standoffish to some & off-putting to others. Yes. I can be quite picky when it comes to interests. Absolutely.Many of my points of view do not react in ways that many can fathom. To be fair, there are even times when I'm not so sure of these things myself.
And then again, I am living within a stone's throw from Los Angeles, and as such a lot of the proverbial no-duh is that we are in an area very much in love with the surface of things. A place where the nurturing of the heart isn't on the time management list very often. And while there is so much to love about the area & people, there is also a pervasive sense of fleeting that still gnaws at the gut everyday. And then sometimes it feels as if the necessary wires that some require disconnection from in order to interact with others are inaccessible by me. A lot of the time, my senses get pretty wonky. Sometimes I'm not sure whether I'm too disconnected, or others are. These are feelings that are always around everyday I'm out there, and it sometimes feels very alien. One wonders if my footsteps will in fact be trailed by black coated creatures of the night, in search of answers as to why my injections never took.
There is no real way I can better express my personal feelings about the last few months except to say that the general air is somethin akin to restless. And I guess its safe to admit that when this happens, I tend to make the most mistakes. And I'm not absolutely 100% sure if this is attributed to a short attention span, or if its just some subconscious wish to push on and make up for lost time. And in many ways I find this feeling to both be a blessing and a curse since this constant jumping around tends to frustrate some, and puzzle others. Many don't seem to see why I find it boring to merely find comfort in an occupation in order to feel secure in my living situation. Thing is, since moving to the LB area I have never fully felt so comfortable that I could just fall into the cushions and kick my feet up so to speak. Knowing that my move was coming, a part of me just resigned to the fact that comfort wasn't to be had until schooling was done, and depending on my living situation, it wasn't bound to get better immediately. Some ask me if its all worth it, while others have trouble imagining why I would put myself through this especially at this age. But that's just it. My twenties were all about idle fears. And despite my initial resistance to making any huge life mistakes, it just felt time to just put on the helmet n pads, and just see this through.
Yes, as a result it makes me a little reclusive. And yes, it creates a more intense version of me that is very impatient for bullshit. And as such the biggest sacrifice it has demanded of me has been something akin to an actual social life. The price has been high, but a part of me feels that such sacrifices may be worth it in big picture terms. And while I do tend to really miss many elements of my life in the desert, the world feels saturated with unpredictability, and without sounding too lame, it is most fitting for me. Now I will not balk at helping old and potential future friendships grow, but another part of me isn't quite sure how to start with most around me these days. I just plain have a hard time relating to many. I wish I knew where to start. And perhaps the biggest tragedy is that when I actually do send myself out into the wild, there isn't a great deal that these folks say that remotely interests me. This can be a problem.
I've spent a long time doing what I can to reach out in the little time I have, but it never really helps except for with older pals, which sometimes makes me wonder how I reached out to my older pals in the first place. The ennui expands ever forward, and trial & error seems to be the only solution. I do not like going to bars and I certainly do not enjoy pestering people.- This could be key. Perhaps seeing myself as a nuisance is a normal thing in my daily life, and this is a major stumbling block. However when I do exhude "confidence", it does little else but ward some off as if I have some kind of ulterior motives. And why not? Perhaps I do come off as standoffish to some & off-putting to others. Yes. I can be quite picky when it comes to interests. Absolutely.Many of my points of view do not react in ways that many can fathom. To be fair, there are even times when I'm not so sure of these things myself.
And then again, I am living within a stone's throw from Los Angeles, and as such a lot of the proverbial no-duh is that we are in an area very much in love with the surface of things. A place where the nurturing of the heart isn't on the time management list very often. And while there is so much to love about the area & people, there is also a pervasive sense of fleeting that still gnaws at the gut everyday. And then sometimes it feels as if the necessary wires that some require disconnection from in order to interact with others are inaccessible by me. A lot of the time, my senses get pretty wonky. Sometimes I'm not sure whether I'm too disconnected, or others are. These are feelings that are always around everyday I'm out there, and it sometimes feels very alien. One wonders if my footsteps will in fact be trailed by black coated creatures of the night, in search of answers as to why my injections never took.