The Demoralized Zone
Not sure what is up with me. I had two potential reasons to step out and actually connect with others, but decided otherwise in order to stay home and veg with my roomie. This next to just stepping out and gathering food for the week seemed like a more realistic thing to do. I dunno. I just feel as if there is no real stated reason to hang out then it isn't any kind of priority. It isn't that I have no wish to socialize, its just that I really feel that my time is being dictated by the job hunt as well as my financial burdens.
A coworker at my little law firm job pretty much summed it up when she said that it tends to be better when there already is a set work schedule set in stone before creating personal time for friends and so on. Makes great sense to me. Until I can feel secure enough to feed and house myself I just cant shell out too much time to even lay around with a pal outside my domicile.
This is where I feel lucky to have a roomy like I do...truly lucky.
A discussion has also come to be when she asked me as to the whys and hows of my lack of a love life, which we have discussed many a time, but only helps me better find my priorities within that particular storm.
Seems to me that my more insecure needs for a close partner are borne out of a combination of several factors. One of them easily being a deep seated need for something to focus on, as well as wishes for closeness akin to the most natural impulse.
But the thing is I think I've finally figured out that in the current scheme,I'm just not in the best place to be an attentive, providing partner as I would prefer to be. It would only put me in a babylike status of feeling needy, which is something I cannot allow to happen when there is so much to do. And while these thoughts finally come clear through the fog, it isn't as if I do not wish to give these impulses their due. I'm no different than so many. But the simple fact remains that I am weak to my nesting instincts, and that they are capable of doing more harm than good a lot of the time. Ive seen what they can do, and I have no wish to have them darken the doorstep of another lest they are upset by quite the surprising set of circumstance.
Someone really needs to surprise me in order for it to work, otherwise it will just be another selfish trip. Lest we both admit that this is all it really is, and nothing more, it would be history setting itself for yet another reload.
I know myself well enough now to know , and others deserve to know what they are getting involved in.
Hell, if I liked them enough, and they in turn,they are entitled.
In short I can definitely permit other types of relationships should they have honesty sewn on their jacket. At least in this, we can only blame ourselves for any oncoming wreckage that may ensue. Which is to say that not all wreckage is an evil though.
A coworker at my little law firm job pretty much summed it up when she said that it tends to be better when there already is a set work schedule set in stone before creating personal time for friends and so on. Makes great sense to me. Until I can feel secure enough to feed and house myself I just cant shell out too much time to even lay around with a pal outside my domicile.
This is where I feel lucky to have a roomy like I do...truly lucky.
A discussion has also come to be when she asked me as to the whys and hows of my lack of a love life, which we have discussed many a time, but only helps me better find my priorities within that particular storm.
Seems to me that my more insecure needs for a close partner are borne out of a combination of several factors. One of them easily being a deep seated need for something to focus on, as well as wishes for closeness akin to the most natural impulse.
But the thing is I think I've finally figured out that in the current scheme,I'm just not in the best place to be an attentive, providing partner as I would prefer to be. It would only put me in a babylike status of feeling needy, which is something I cannot allow to happen when there is so much to do. And while these thoughts finally come clear through the fog, it isn't as if I do not wish to give these impulses their due. I'm no different than so many. But the simple fact remains that I am weak to my nesting instincts, and that they are capable of doing more harm than good a lot of the time. Ive seen what they can do, and I have no wish to have them darken the doorstep of another lest they are upset by quite the surprising set of circumstance.
Someone really needs to surprise me in order for it to work, otherwise it will just be another selfish trip. Lest we both admit that this is all it really is, and nothing more, it would be history setting itself for yet another reload.
I know myself well enough now to know , and others deserve to know what they are getting involved in.
Hell, if I liked them enough, and they in turn,they are entitled.
In short I can definitely permit other types of relationships should they have honesty sewn on their jacket. At least in this, we can only blame ourselves for any oncoming wreckage that may ensue. Which is to say that not all wreckage is an evil though.