horrible things always come in threes
I hate to be debbie downer yet again but I just need to get this out there.
I feel like my life has fallen apart over the last few months and is just now starting to swing back towards positive. My godfather died in the middle of May, I didn't even know he was sick and then he was gone. He did so much for me when I was growing up. Gave me a home away from home over the summer when I needed it the most and I feel like I didn't get a chance to let him know how much I love him. When I moved halfway across the country several years ago I vowed never to go back unless absolutely necessary and I've kept that promise. Only visiting a few times and only for a day or two each time. I was so worried about making sure I didn't get sucked back into my parents issues that I failed to realize all the other wonderful people who cared for me that I was cutting out of my life at the same time and now it's too late.
Then in June my parents finally announced they are getting divorced. Something they should have done ages ago. I'm so conflicted by this. Not the actually divorce, that's a good thing, but I feel like they are both trying to make me choose sides. Which parent do I want to have associations with because if I talk to the one of them then obviously I've chosen their side and can't speak to the other one ever again. It's so frustrating because I think they are both horrible people and I really don't ever want to see either of them again, especially my mother. Then on the other hand they are my family and as much as I'd love to write them all off I feel like I have some obligation to at least try to work through this. But I have to wonder if that isn't just my need for their approval talking. I know I'm too old to still think they'll only love me if I do something spectacular as if I need to prove that I'm worth loving but somewhere not so deep inside that young child who always got brushed off, was always yelled at for doing the wrong thing, the one who always seemed to be in the way and never seemed to be good enough is still waiting for them to say they love me and that I finally did something right, something they're proud of. Something to make me worth their time and energy. But I know if I wait for them to say any of that, I'll be waiting forever. My mother is crying victim and claiming my dad was emotionally abusive to her for the last 35 years. And yes he was abusive emotionally to all of us. But she did nothing about it. She's been unhappy and claiming she was going to leave him for as long as I can remember but she never did a thing saying she was only staying for me and my sister. I just want to say that that is complete bull shit. She stayed because she was too afraid to leave. She knew what was happening and instead of finding a way to get herself, me, and my sister out of there she stayed and let it all happen. And I know it isn't fair because fear is a powerful tool and my dad knows how to use it without raising a finger. But I feel like the only true victims in this situation were me and my sister. We didn't have a choice about being there or not, and we had no control over their actions or how they treated us. All we could do was sit back and hope we made it out okay, and I know I didn't, not really. I feel betrayed and angry and afraid. Afraid all the horrible things he said about me are true.
And it doesn't help when at the end of July I get the same things that I ran away from thrown back in my face. My roommate Kate and I had a rather spectacular falling out and not in a good way. The short version of the story is, she decided to move out with a friend and leave me behind. Which doesn't sound that bad, things like that happen all the time. But it was the horrible weeks worth of angry accusations and name calling that made it all horrible. It was like living with my dad again, and I have to wonder if she didn't use that knowledge against me. We'd lived together for just over two years and were best friends for most of it. I told her things I've never told anyone and she used it to try to bully me into giving her what she wanted which was my cat, my car, and my money. All things I obviously wasn't willing to give her yet she somehow felt entitled to anyway. And I know she's out there crying victim just like my mother and it makes me sick and angry to think about what she could be saying.
I'm just so so angry I want to break something or scream or pull my hair out or something to make it all go away but it won't. Because I'm mostly angry at myself for wasting so much of my time and energy caring about people who find it so easy to break me into a thousand pieces and walk away. Why do I still care about my parents? Why do I still care about Kate? I wonder if she's okay and if she found someplace to live. But why? Why can't I just walk away like they did and not look back. Why do I want them back in my life when they are obviously so bad for me?
Needless to say my summer was complete crap. How was yours?
I feel like my life has fallen apart over the last few months and is just now starting to swing back towards positive. My godfather died in the middle of May, I didn't even know he was sick and then he was gone. He did so much for me when I was growing up. Gave me a home away from home over the summer when I needed it the most and I feel like I didn't get a chance to let him know how much I love him. When I moved halfway across the country several years ago I vowed never to go back unless absolutely necessary and I've kept that promise. Only visiting a few times and only for a day or two each time. I was so worried about making sure I didn't get sucked back into my parents issues that I failed to realize all the other wonderful people who cared for me that I was cutting out of my life at the same time and now it's too late.
Then in June my parents finally announced they are getting divorced. Something they should have done ages ago. I'm so conflicted by this. Not the actually divorce, that's a good thing, but I feel like they are both trying to make me choose sides. Which parent do I want to have associations with because if I talk to the one of them then obviously I've chosen their side and can't speak to the other one ever again. It's so frustrating because I think they are both horrible people and I really don't ever want to see either of them again, especially my mother. Then on the other hand they are my family and as much as I'd love to write them all off I feel like I have some obligation to at least try to work through this. But I have to wonder if that isn't just my need for their approval talking. I know I'm too old to still think they'll only love me if I do something spectacular as if I need to prove that I'm worth loving but somewhere not so deep inside that young child who always got brushed off, was always yelled at for doing the wrong thing, the one who always seemed to be in the way and never seemed to be good enough is still waiting for them to say they love me and that I finally did something right, something they're proud of. Something to make me worth their time and energy. But I know if I wait for them to say any of that, I'll be waiting forever. My mother is crying victim and claiming my dad was emotionally abusive to her for the last 35 years. And yes he was abusive emotionally to all of us. But she did nothing about it. She's been unhappy and claiming she was going to leave him for as long as I can remember but she never did a thing saying she was only staying for me and my sister. I just want to say that that is complete bull shit. She stayed because she was too afraid to leave. She knew what was happening and instead of finding a way to get herself, me, and my sister out of there she stayed and let it all happen. And I know it isn't fair because fear is a powerful tool and my dad knows how to use it without raising a finger. But I feel like the only true victims in this situation were me and my sister. We didn't have a choice about being there or not, and we had no control over their actions or how they treated us. All we could do was sit back and hope we made it out okay, and I know I didn't, not really. I feel betrayed and angry and afraid. Afraid all the horrible things he said about me are true.
And it doesn't help when at the end of July I get the same things that I ran away from thrown back in my face. My roommate Kate and I had a rather spectacular falling out and not in a good way. The short version of the story is, she decided to move out with a friend and leave me behind. Which doesn't sound that bad, things like that happen all the time. But it was the horrible weeks worth of angry accusations and name calling that made it all horrible. It was like living with my dad again, and I have to wonder if she didn't use that knowledge against me. We'd lived together for just over two years and were best friends for most of it. I told her things I've never told anyone and she used it to try to bully me into giving her what she wanted which was my cat, my car, and my money. All things I obviously wasn't willing to give her yet she somehow felt entitled to anyway. And I know she's out there crying victim just like my mother and it makes me sick and angry to think about what she could be saying.
I'm just so so angry I want to break something or scream or pull my hair out or something to make it all go away but it won't. Because I'm mostly angry at myself for wasting so much of my time and energy caring about people who find it so easy to break me into a thousand pieces and walk away. Why do I still care about my parents? Why do I still care about Kate? I wonder if she's okay and if she found someplace to live. But why? Why can't I just walk away like they did and not look back. Why do I want them back in my life when they are obviously so bad for me?
Needless to say my summer was complete crap. How was yours?